a tale told by an idiot- signifying nothing

son of a bitch!

2011-01-04T13:11:00.002-06:00

where the hell have i been for the past four hundred years?! well i'm back. i plan to resurrect my blog as soon as i find some chicken blood and a lizard eye in order to perform the correct ritual needed for blog resurrection. i haven't decided if it will be this blog or another, but keep your eyes peeled. (that goes double for the lizard...)

when did i grow up?

2010-05-12T13:19:00.003-05:00

i bought a house. well technically it's not mine yet, but it will be on Friday. it's essentially a giant dog house as i'm sure the goat-dog will run rampant while i cower in the corner hiding from his wet dog kisses.

it's a three bedroom/one bath cutesy wootsy little house that is completely remodeled. it's all brand new which is good because i'm not a lumberjack. the yard resembles the Amazon before it got bulldozed to death, but i've alerted my lawn service (a.k.a. Dad) of the situation so hopefully he'll jump right on that as soon as i get the keys.

my mortgage is less than my rent. yes, folks, i finagled an awesome deal. and that includes home owner's insurance and property tax. i'm awesome. you can't deny it now.

i'll post pics. and maybe i'll even post a vid of me doing the Snoopy dance. don't worry. i'll put a warning on that one if I do.

my life is BORING

2010-04-23T14:35:00.003-05:00

i have nothing to blog about. well i do, but i don't feel like blogging about those things. so i'm going to narrate my life for you.

going to eat carrot cake 100 calorie snack packs.
opening the wrapper.
putting one in my mouth.
mmmm! surprised that they have filling. wasn't anticipating that.
washing down with my monstrous Rockstar.

oh, and btw, i'm buying a house. eeeeek!

It's that time again...

2010-04-12T10:09:00.003-05:00

you guys know I do the March for Babies every year. i hate adults. i love babies. so click on the little badge if you want to support me this time around. and if you're in Lubbuttocks this weekend, come walk with me and Edgar, the goat-dog. you'll feel like a million bucks after, and you'll raise awareness for a great cause.

I'm a big ol' liar!

2010-02-03T14:58:00.003-06:00

i know i said that i was going to post more often in the new year and blah blah blah, but i was probably wasted when i wrote that. okay prob not wasted but definitely insane. so before i do anything, let me give a list of lame excuses as to why i haven't been posting anything.

1. i'm a lazy asshole. you guys already know that. no big surprises.

2. i started hitting the gym like six days a week. why? no real reason other than self loathing.

3. i think my thyroid is broken again. i'm exhausted all the time. on Sundays, i usually have time for a nap, and when i wake up, i need another nap in about 15 minutes. something is definitely wrong with me. but i'm avoiding the doc because he'll need to draw blood, and i'm a big pansy about it.

4. work has been hectic, and that's where i like to do a lot of my blogging. i've decided to stop stressing so much and start delegating. now most of my job entails making sure everyone does what i've delegated. well that and bugging my boss all day long.

5. i'll dedicate a whole post to this later, but i'm a new doggie mommy! details soon if you aren't my FB or Twitter peep.

So to sum it up, i'm a lazy, thyroid challenged, workaholic, doggie mommy who freakishly exercises all day. i'm surprised i had what it took to hammer out this pathetic post.

geeky conversation of the day

2010-01-02T10:40:00.002-06:00

this convo started off about the fallacies of the Star Trek holodeck. (how the hell do you gallop a damn horse into the sunset in a 6' by 6' room anyway?!) then it took an ugly turn.

peep: what i don't get is, with all of that technology, how come they can't invent doors that don't make so much noise when they open and close?

me: it's because they have that dumb blind bastard, Geordi, walking around! they can't very well have him standing in front of a door for ten minutes because it opened so quietly he didn't know about it. the Enterprise has to be handicapped accessible.

peep: oh. that makes sense.

me being shitty

2009-12-30T21:16:00.003-06:00

so there have been rude comments and texts directed at me for my lack of posts. well fuck off, people! some of us work at work and do other stuff at home. but i am planning on focusing more on my blog in the new year. i miss it. there was a time when i blogged once a day minimum, and i hope to get back to that. so here's a little bit of me being shitty today:

i was already in a borderline crusty mood. my simple eye exam took about sixteen hours and ate up half my day. but i didn't let that get to me. i was running some errands and stopped at the mall to buy some delicious hand soap from Bath&Bodyworks. i picked up a new scrubby, too, since i'm pretty sure mine is probably an eco-hazard if checked under a microscope.

i get in my car which is about fifteen miles away since everyone in Lubbsuck is shopping in our crappy mall, and i pull into a busy exit area. that's when i realize the flat tire. there are about fifty cars behind me that i have to wave around me. when the last one passes, i have to go in reverse so that i can pull over to a side area and figure out what to do.

that's when this douche yells at a stranger about how people need to learn how to drive. did he think that i was redirecting traffic, hobbling my poor Honda over to the edge of the parking lot, and otherwise wreaking havoc for fun?! the stranger he was talking to was not a complete dolt and pointed to my flat tire. so the a-hole felt like a real dipshit for displaying the idiocy that his parents passed onto him.

something set me off. i leaned out my window and in a voice louder than Zeus' said, "FUCK YOU!!!" well hearing someone yell such profanity at the top of her lungs in the middle of the Bible belt probably threw him for a loop. he looked like he was about to cry. i would have flipped him the bird, too, but i was busy trying to maneuver my poor Honda around a giant mountain of snow at the same time and thus using both hands.

and so later this week, i get to spend a day getting my tire fixed and my alignment fixed since i'm practically driving sideways at this point. hope your days were better.

conversation of the day

2009-11-30T12:10:00.002-06:00

this convo took place over IM with a work peep. i often compare the donuts in the vending machine to Snoopy's cookies who call to "eat me! eat me!"

me: i hear the donut chorus.

peep ignores me.

me: i said that i hear the donut chorus.

peep still ignores me.

me: brb. since you don't want to talk to me, i'm going to stuff my face and silence their little chorus!!!

peep: hey. sorry was busy.

this time i ignore him since i'm busy shoveling dimes into the vending machine.

peep: did you silence them?

me: i am. do you hear them screaming?

peep: (in his best Hannibal Lector voice) you stay in touch, Christine. let me know when those donuts stop screaming.

busy....and conversation of the day

2009-11-08T20:46:00.003-06:00

i know i haven't posted in a while. i still plan to post about my weasel. I've just been too emotional about it. and i haven't posted anything else because i've been busy with work and NaNoWriMo and lots of other crap. but i'm still alive...kinda. i had a bad case of mutant tonsils for a bit, but they seem to be simmering down. and i have zombie pics to post, but i'll do that later seeing as how i'm about ten thousand words behind on my novel. so here's a conversation that only begins to exemplify the bitterness that i'm feeling today:

me: wish i had a sweet.

peep: i've got two. you can have one.

me: is it stuffed with poison?

peep: it's stuffed with love.

me: same thing.

i miss his furry face.

2009-10-14T09:18:00.005-05:00

Most of you know that i had to put my Simon to sleep late Sunday night. i knew he had been sick, but i didn't think he would get that sick so fast. when Macaroni got sick, she showed symptoms for a long time that got progressively worse. so i thought i had more time with my Simon. i would never in a million years have thought that this weekend i would have to say good bye.

i knew he was bad late Sunday afternoon. i tried to make him comfortable. i really thought that he would still make it longer than he did, but by the evening, he was having seizures. and they were getting worse. when he started screaming, i had a friend arrange to take us to the emergency vet.

i cried the whole way there, but i didn't want him to suffer so i knew i was doing the right thing. it was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do.

when Macaroni died, i still had Simon so i didn't have to see an empty cage. a half empty food bowl. a brand new bag of kibble and litter. i don't have the heart to get rid of these things yet, but seeing them makes me very sad.

when i leave my house, it's habit to say good bye. in the mornings, i would feed and water my Simon, and now i have nothing to do. when i got some clothes out of the dryer yesterday, i instinctively turned around to see if the noise had woken him up only to remember that he was gone. there's a real emptiness in my heart and in my life. it's so surreal to think that i'm not a weasel mommy anymore.

i will post a 'remembering Simon' post later this week like i did for my Macaroni. he was so unique and intelligent that it would take me by surprise time and time again.

i can't picture my life without him. there were times when i felt like i had no one, but i always had him.

it's weird how attached we get to our furry babies. i miss Simon's little weasel face so much. i'm heartbroken.

shirking real duties by blogging

2009-10-08T14:39:00.003-05:00

-i know i've been MIA lately. work is being a little bitch. and i've been exercising a lot and watching a lot of TV. (you know...important stuff.) i've also been dipping my toe into the dating scene. i'll need to dedicate an entire post to that new endeavor.

-my eyelid has been twitching for the past week or so. it's driving me nuts. it started as a just a cute little unnoticeable spasm, and it's pretty much turned into a violent seizure that encompasses my entire body. (you can picture Elaine Benes' dancing if you need a visual aid.) does anyone have a home remedy or something that i can try? i'm desperate.

-i'm going to cut all my hair off. i need something new. i like this cute choppy look that i'm sporting now, but i need to do something a little more drastic. my mundane life is asking for some change.

-i got this awesome new app for my Pre-tty that logs location and has a real time compass. so now, rather than looking to see where i'm driving, i look down at my Pre-tty instead. it's like having Bat-vision. plus i can text, too! and now that this p.o.s. town is finally selling alcohol, i'll keep an open can o' beer on the dashboard since i'm not looking out the windshield anymore anyway.

-any suggestions for a Halloween costume? i'm leaning toward being a vampire. i want to be something that will let me do my make-ups a combination of pretty and wild.

-i'm often referred to as Dr. Christine or counselor because i'm a good listener/advice giver and because of my Pysch degree. someone at work told me that i reminded him of the therapist on Two and a Half Men. i take it as a compliment! i love that bitter, blunt bitch. she's one of my fave characters.

it's come to this?

2009-09-18T09:15:00.003-05:00

-i really shouldn't have to tell my sister to 'try to look like a woman.' however, after last year's fiasco concerning her work place physical mistaking her for a man, i thought i'd at least suggest it. unfortunately, she wasn't allowed to have coffee or food until after the damn thing was over so i'm pretty sure she'll be confused for a man yet again.

-i had a rockin' birthday weekend. i had so many people buying me dinner and drinks and just taking me out for a good time, that i feel really spoiled and blessed at the same time. at work, i had lots of people singing and giving me presents. one guy even did a sexy dance for me in my Dilbert cube since he arrived empty handed. and i still have some more things planned for this weekend. my hermity self is being over stimulated.

-i currently have the worst headache known to man. well maybe not the worst. Phineas Gage probably had more reason to complain. but anyway it kind of feels like someone is hammering some dull, rusty nails into my cranium. who would do such a thing?

-i'm way too excited about the Criminal Minds premier this coming Wed. to be honest, the writing has gone down hill compared to the first few seasons. (i've been watching a lot of the old shows on A&E.) but i need to see what's going on with Hotch. the suspense is killing me. and maybe him, too!

-speaking of incessant TV watching, is anyone else into Hoarders? it's fascinating and horrific at the same time. i love watching TV shows and movies about broken people. which brings me to the Biggest Loser. i really feel sorry for that 470 pound woman. i gained a couple of pounds, and of course all my weight goes to my boobs so they went up another cup size. and i thought that was uncomfortable! can you imagine being 470 pounds? if it was me, i'd kill myself if i thought i could find my own veins amidst all the extra weight.

ramblings of a crazy woman

2009-09-10T16:01:00.002-05:00

-i was eating my Lean Cuisine rice pilaf when something rather pungent yet recognizable landed on my palette. it took a while for me to recognize it. it tasted like a Marigold! why are they putting weeds into my food?!

-yest a friend of mine walked into my Dilbert cube. i didn't notice him, and i was just picking my nose like there's no tomorrow. it wasn't like i was up to my wrist or anything. i get scabby around my nostrils when my allergies are bad which is the last few days. and being the weird, compulsive person that i am, i pick at them. of course, this process results in just bleeding and more scabs. aren't you glad you read my blog?

-my birthday is tomorrow! and some of us are going out Sat night to celebrate. shoot me a message or a text if you want to know when and where.

-i forgot to eat the other day and went and did spin. i almost keeled over to my grisly death. i guess my blood sugar dropped suddenly. i was seeing stars (and not the hot Matt Damon celebrity type stars...) anyway, i made sure to eat my Marigold laced pilaf today so that won't happen again.

proof i need to go home

2009-09-04T09:36:00.004-05:00

i'm at work with a searing headache. it feels like someone is stabbing me repeatedly in the left temple with what could only be an ice pick dipped in alcohol. but besides that little conundrum, i was having an IM convo with a work peep. here's what he said:

"brb. need go go juice. actually that's gas, and i don't need that but coffee."

but I read that as:

"brb. need to get juice. actually that gives me gas so just coffee."

i had to read it three times before i realized he wasn't giving me the TMI treatment.

also, someone sent me this pic. (who else but Tangerine Dream...) what the hell pooped this giant turd? and why does he feel compelled to share this disgusting crap (pun intended) with me?

dumb ass Microsoft

2009-08-27T08:24:00.005-05:00

did anyone see this article where Microsoft edited the black man out of this pic? i'm too lazy to link the article. i barely exerted the effort to upload the pic. what i think is more offensive than the fact that the black man was replaced with a white man is the fact that the black man looked perfectly respectable and the white man looks like the biggest douche on the planet. oh, and no one bothered to edit the hand so the douche still has a black one. way to go, Microsoft!

new career

2009-08-21T15:17:00.003-05:00

okay, so i think i found my calling. you've heard of a life coach, right? they are people who help you decide what your purpose in life is supposed to be and then give you guidance and direction so you can fulfill that purpose. well i'm going to be the opposite of that. i'm going to tell you exactly what i think of you and why you're life sucks. does anyone want me to practice on them?

you're probably wondering why anyone would want to pay for these services, but let me tell you. people are DUMB. they bitch and moan about how awful their lives are but they don't do anything to fix it. it's like they're clueless that their stupid decisions are what's making them miserable.

so you're breaking your back and raising fifty kids while your husband sits on his huge ass watching porn all day, that's your fucking fault. you're on your eighth divorce and can't figure out why none of them last when you marry them after knowing them for only two seconds. guess what? that's your own damn fault/ too. you're a broke bastard who can't maintain a single relationship because the only thing you can actually stick with is your alcoholism. well, duh. you're lonely and pathetic because you're an idiot who needs to grow up.

see? my services are needed. sure some people need that loving prod that a life coach can provide, but some of you jack asses need a fucking kick in the teeth already.

so there. any takers?

buncha nothing

2009-08-20T13:47:00.003-05:00

-twice this week, i have accidentally kicked over my computer tower whilst using it like a foot stool. both times it died. now it's making a loud whirring sound mixed with a high pitched whine. any techie people out there know what's wrong with it? well i mean besides the fact that i keep beating the crap out of it.

-speaking of techie shit, my Pre-tty keyboard quit working last night. i started hyperventilating and seeing stars because i really don't know how to communicate anymore without text messaging. i've devolved to a higher functioning amoeba. anyway, i ended up doing a hard re-set on it, and it's working again. whew!

-sometimes when i have a lot on my mind, i like to drive around and listen to music. last night was one of those times. i drove down tons of busy streets for 45 minutes, and i didn't get a single red light that ENTIRE time. you'd think that's a good thing, but as i mentioned earlier, i need to text...a lot. so i need stops. what are the odds that during 45 min of driving, you get no fucking stops at all? that's just a microcosm for my life.

EEEEEEEEK!!!

2009-08-14T16:42:00.003-05:00

so someone told me to blog already. well, excuse me, a-hole, but some of us have jobs where we actually work rather than just sit and browse Craigslist ads all fucking day long!!! anyway, here's a Chrissy-skin rug to keep you entertained...

EEEEEEEEK!!!!

random crap

2009-08-12T12:12:00.002-05:00

-i had a doc appt today with my neuro specialist. i get worked up when i go in there because at any second he could order me down to the lab to have blood drawn. if you're a regular reader, you know that me and and giving blood means a really pathetic scenario full of panic attacks and flailing body parts.

-i'm reading The Catcher in the Rye again. when i read it the first time, i didn't really relate to the main character. my life was all on track, and i was pretty happy. but here lately i've felt lost and not sure about where my path lies. my sis was talking about reading it so i dug up my copy. i'm relating much more this time so i'm enjoying it much more, too.

-Honda got new tires finally! and he got a detail. he's so happy. he tells me everyday. plus, he just passed 30, 000 miles. he's been hinting that he wants to take a road trip.

-i've been battling a really bad case of nausea for about a month. i've lost like fifteen pounds. i'm pretty sure the root of the stomach problems is this stupid town. it's ugly, it stinks, and it's still freakin' dry. i'm going to end up keeling over from old age before i can walk down the street to pick up a beer.

conversation of the day

2009-07-28T09:39:00.002-05:00

this took place with Tangerine dream. (by the way, yesterday he made all his employees start calling him Maestro...)

me: i had a dream you had to go into some witness protection type deal.

T.D.: really? did i get a whole new life? new family?

me: i guess. it was kind of sad because we knew we would never see you again.

T.D.: did i change my name to Maestro?

me: i don't know what your dumbass name was.

T.D.: ugh! i hope the dream comes true. i want new friendlier siblings. mines suck!

me: fuck you!

T.D.: see?!

5 things you may not have known about Christine

2009-07-21T09:59:00.003-05:00

(and if you do know these, it may be because you know me sickeningly well or that i am senile and have posted these before)

1. i am scared of those little tree pod things. i have no idea what they're called, and you'd think that i, being a writer of magnificent talents, would be able to describe them better. but they're brown and long and a little curvy. they have seeds of death in them. i'd take a pic, but i'm too afraid of them to get near them. i know they are everywhere that trees hang out. at least here in Lubbock. i'm pretty sure they're alien in origin.

2. i'm creepy good at math. i guess i get it from ol' Dad. i passed my stats classes in college with literally perfect averages and that was with me sleeping through most of those classes as i hate math with a passion. i guess it's a good thing that i have this talent, but i prefer to not do any calculations at all...ever. i would rather stare at a blank wall. in fact, i find staring at blank walls rather enjoyable. (and, no, i'm not on a perpetual acid trip.)

3. i love me some Air Supply. if i hear it on at a store or in the car, you can bet gold coins that i am going to start belting out every lyric because i know them all from memory. i'm a sap for mushy music. (by the way, if you're betting gold coins, i'm assuming you're a Leprechaun, a doomsday-ologist, or a regular at Yoville.)

4. my taste in things changes virtually over night. i used to drink Dr. Pepper exclusively. but one day i woke up and hated it. same with tequila and sevens. and cheese cake only i like it now whereas before i hated it. i guess everything has it's day in court, and when it's over, it's over.

5. i love to write letters. i can write them all the live long day. of course, i type them now as i can type much faster than i can write, but it's the same damn thing, you hair splitters. anyway, i find letter writing is a lost art that should be resurrected. in fact, i think if people shut their trap every once in a while and actually thought things through for a change before communicating their stupidity, the world would be a better place.

conversation of the day #2

2009-07-17T16:40:00.003-05:00

Gold Digger: um, there is a black man walking down the street wearing a cloak and holding a staff.

me: is it Death?...is it a sickle?

G.D.: no, more like a sheep herder.

me: oh. BORING!

G.D.: and his cloak is more like a colorful rug.

me: maybe Death is gay...

G.D.: i would believe that.

conversation of the day

2009-07-17T15:28:00.002-05:00

this took place after i was bitching to my sister about how bored i was. (yes, i bitch when i'm busy at work, and then i bitch when i'm slow at work. i'm the Goldilocks of bitching.)

me: i should start pranking people. (offering a suggestion) Pat? Pat McGroin?

Gold Digger: that cracks me up!

me: me too. guess i never grew up.

G.D.: i grew up in the areas where it counts.

me: i guess i kinda did, too.

G.D.: i wasn't talking about boobs.

me: oh. my bad.

renewal

2009-07-15T12:46:00.002-05:00

hmmmm. so i have been doing a lot of thinking this year, and i am on the cusp of something life changing. but i'm still not a hundred percent sure on whether or not to go ahead with it for several reasons.

1. i am my father's daughter. that means i'm super cautious, not spontaneous, and very wary. i wouldn't have it any other way. the paternal unit is amazing.

2. the economy is a problem. these life changing steps could mean a financial crunch for me, and with the economy limping around its own death bed, i don't know that right now is the best time to be making such changes. but, if not now, then when?

3. what about other avenues? i guess i have several life changing options in my giant brain, and i can't decide which one is the best. i think i have finally settled on one, and then i start re-thinking another one. i'm half tempted to just fashion some time of primitive dart board apparatus and let chance pick and choose my future.

4. what's wrong with the life i'm leading? well, where do i freakin' start? just kidding. i have a great life full of friends and family, but that doesn't mean it can't be better. but i sure don't want to look back and regret rocking the boat.

so that leaves me nowhere really. but i should, hopefully, be making some kind of decision by the time my next birthday rolls around, and i will post the anti-climactic results then. if you feel that you are wise for whatever reasons, then feel free to shoot me an email or a text or leave me a comment with your thoughts. i can't promise to take you jokers seriously, but i could surprise you.

very interesting

2009-07-07T09:27:00.002-05:00

when people search for 'why do i attract weirdos?' it brings 'em right to my blog. that can't be good.

i've still been MIA because i've been super busy with work, but i'm taking a tiny breather today to blog a bit. i'm looking forward to a mini vacay that i'm taking in August. it's time to relax in Albuquerque. haven't been there in a few years so i'm ready to look at some Indians and eat some chilis.

i am covered in mosquito bites. i even have one on my ass. i'm not really sure how it got there as i don't remember sticking my ass in a mosquito's face, but alas, i must have at some point. i hope when i contract West Nile that they don't have to inspect the bite locations.

i ran out of checks. i never, ever write checks. the only thing i use them for is to pay my rent. for some reason i thought i had another book. so now, my rent is late, and i have to drag my mosquito bitten ass to the bank on my lunch for some temps. i hope i don't have to unleash my rage on a teller. i am not in the mood to deal with this crap.

i started to blog because, for once, it was slow at work. as soon as i start, it gets super busy. so this post probably sux and/or doesn't make sense. much like all the other posts i've ever written...

random thoughts (finally!)

2009-06-24T15:22:00.002-05:00

-i got the Palm Pre. it's the best phone on the planet. it's also so cute. i call it my Palm Pre-tty. it was an impulsive purchase, and i am not an impulsive person. (repulsive maybe thanks to my rude nature....) but on the day it launched, there i went to buy it without a thought in the world. and it's the best moo-lah i have spent in quite some time. (who needs new tires? bald ones work just fine!) anyway, as you regulars know, i don't always import my numbers in a timely manner. so if you haven't texted me in a while or anything, you may want to go ahead and do that so i can save your phone number. or shoot me an email so i can add it.

-i'm on a new med for my chronic nerve pain. it seems to be working well. but it has a side effect. it's making me very mellow. i'm still the same mean christine, but things just don't bug me as much. i'm not sure if it will wear off as i become accustomed to the med, but for now, i think i'm freaking out my co-workers. although, i did go on a rampage yesterday and today. i'd hate to think how that would have gone if i hadn't been mellow...

-i will hopefully post pics soon. i want to try out my new Pre-tty camera. maybe i will upload pics of me and Pre-tty frolicking through a field of daisies together.

it's alive!!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-09T10:57:00.001-05:00

and by it, i mean me. i know it's been sixty years since i posted. i've been getting my ass handed to me at work, and have been otherwise distracted. i will be back to regular blogging self soon, i hope.

nephew hit by a truck

2009-05-07T07:28:00.002-05:00

yes, that's right. the headline is no joke. i got the panicked call yesterday at work. at first i thought maybe it was only a small bump from a car in a parking lot, but when my mom showed up at the scene, it turns out that it was much worse.

luckily, it happened near a fire station, and the fire fighters were so great. they, along with bystanders and witnesses, began CPR and other emergency procedures to help, who i shall now call, Road Rash. (what kid who got hit by a truck doesn't deserve a cool nick name like that?!)

it was a long night. he has suffered multiple broken bones, tons of road rash, a possible collapsed lung, and (the biggest concern) a severe concussion.

the worst part was waiting as he was non-responsive until after midnight last night. once he began to stir, he was expectedly confused, but he seemed to be in good spirits. (he couldn't really talk as he was still intubated.) however, he resumed breathing on his own after a while so that's a good sign. more tests to come.

the support came out in droves. i swear that mini waiting room was no match for the people who love Road Rash. there must have been fifty or more people there for most of the evening waiting for him to wake up.

here are the local news links with video included. i'm wondering why i can't just have a non-dramatic life every once in a while. but i can't complain. as long as RR is getting better, i'm happy. i will tweet updates as i can from the hospital today.

local news story
another local news story

on a side note, his 8th grade banquet is coming up, and he was concerned that he didn't know how to dance. now he has a great excuse as he will be scooting about in a wheelchair for a while. he can tell people that he really can bust a move all Travolta style. he just can't show anyone since he got hit by a truck. maybe by the time he's healed up, they will forget his boastful proclamations.

the good, the bad, and the ugly

2009-05-05T07:18:00.003-05:00

the good news is that i actually finished my script for Script Frenzy. see?!

the bad news is that the zombie apocalypse is closer than we think: yikes!

and the ugly part of this post is that i only have a few days left until my mini vacay, and i don't think i'm going to make it. i'm seriously stressed to the max at work and might keel over at any second from some stress induced disease. good thing i'm eating my flax seed muffins every morning. serenity now!

alive

2009-04-28T11:18:00.002-05:00

yes, i'm alive. been busy with Script Frenzy and work. speaking of my script, i am so far behind. of course what else would you expect from a perpetual procrastinator like myself?

work is a mess. when people decide things need changing, it's always an arduous process. and making the sheep follow in line is a monumental task. i've resorted to shocking the sheep with cattle prods, so to speak.

i finished the MOD walk and was the first one from my company to cross the finish line. of course, i had to push and shove a couple of people, but that's not really the point. the point is that i win.

i've decided to have yet another garage sale to get rid of even more stuff. soon i'll be living in a mausoleum. eh. less to dust.

i love babies.

2009-04-21T11:50:00.003-05:00

this is the last reminder if you want to contribute any $$$ to help babies. if your company has a matching gift program or if you want to donate via check or cash, you can swing by my office or email me to arrange for me to pick up. here is the widget again if you wish to contribute via credit or debit card.

and i just want to say thanks. i love babies and think that preemies should be given the care they need to start out their lives in the best possible way. the walk is this weekend if anyone cares to join me.

the weekend's over already?

2009-04-19T22:26:00.003-05:00

-i got quite a bit of work done on my script yesterday. i'm still way behind. i also located that miscreant camera. (it was hiding in my laptop bag from when i went out of town.)

-i am craving a big ol' order of chili cheese tots. that can't be good.

-since i said i'd post more pics, here's Cornelius. he is wearing a makeshift poncho after getting caught in the thunderstorm on Thursday. everyone says he has my giant lips. he is just too cute in this pic!

April showers....

2009-04-17T11:28:00.002-05:00

-it's been hailing and raining and otherwise wreaking havoc all over this p.o.s. town. i love the rain. the hail not so much. i got stranded at Jason's Deli yesterday while hail the size of fists pummelled my poor Honda outside. he has a thick skin, though. he can take it. and luckily, i was stuck with a peep and tons of sammiches. it could have been worse. i could have been stuck at work or at the doctor's office.

-speaking of the doc office, i had an appt with mine yesterday. he's so awesome. he's constantly wanting to set me up on dates with his other patients. i should let him. he knows their medical history, and i'm sure he would pick a good one. and i was so nervous before hand because i knew they were going to draw blood. but, i kid you not, this RN made the last one look like a butcher! this one did it on the first try and with no real pain. i was so relieved. it wasn't a spectacle of drama like last time.

-i updated my concert countdown. i'm getting super hyped about the show.

-i bought the cutest vanity. it's a nice, old piece of art deco furniture. i am going to try to refurbish it this weekend, weather permitting. if i can find that wandering camera, i will post pics.

-i have the strangest neighbors. for one, they don't have curtains. wtf?! why do i attract weirdos? two, the dude was outside yesterday night as it was raining/hailing and singing loudly. i think it was a country song, but it was hard to tell over my TV and the weather.

-i'm working on my script diligently. okay, not diligently. but i am working on it. i have a hot, coffee date tomorrow where i will either be working on it or working on this blog. i need to update it really badly.

random crap

2009-04-10T11:52:00.002-05:00

- don't forget that the March for Babies is right around the corner. several of you have already donated or promised to donate. any little bit helps. and thanks to everyone who contributes. it really does mean a lot to me. here's the widget again if you'd like to use it.

-i accidentally sent a mass email out to my company that was meant for my sister. luckily, it was a very nice email and was mostly recalled. normally, emails to my sister are filled with profanity, name calling, and bitter comments. that was a close call!

-i haven't been able to go running because ol' Lubbsuck has been experiencing 50 mile per hour winds for the past six years. if i'm not in condition to run the March for Babies, then i will take a peep with me and enjoy a nice stroll. unless it's windy that day, too. then i will those around me will be experiencing a lot of profanity.

-i am still on this devil diet. after the initial sugar withdrawals, it's actually a good way to eat. i do miss beer and cereal a lot, though.

-my peep at work just told me to turn my TV to a particular music channel. he said, 'i just recently saw this band. they are hardcore.' so i flipped it over, and it was Anthrax. i was perplexed. turns out he was not watching it live, and he was talking about an entirely different band.

-i know i said i was going to post more pics, but i can't seem to find my digicam. i always have it in my purse or near me, but it grew legs and walked away. until it decides that my house is a better place than the cruel world and returns home, i won't be posting pics.

2009-04-08T18:00:00.002-05:00

so you guys know i love covers. i ran across this nice, odd gem today. it's a cover of Britney Spears' Womanizer. notice the weird creature humping the mike. and the one in the back scratching itself. and what's with the floating Obama heads? hmmm.

here it is if you've ever wondered what it sounds like as a folk song. i don't really care for it myself.

my day

2009-04-01T16:54:00.002-05:00

well i generally work banker's hours, but i occasionally go in later. today, i was going to go in at 11 so i planned to run before work. that was until i couldn't drag my lazy ass out of bed in a timely manner. good thing, too! the park where i normally go was the scene of an odd mishap. i could have been worm food!

so after i averted death, i remembered that i had a doc appt today. so i went to work early rather than use up any personal time. my doctor let me listen to myself with the stethoscope, too. that's a first. she wanted me to hear my breathing. it was raspy and wheezy as usual. so now i'm on more meds.

at work, i had two different people bring me Sonic teas! man, i'm so loved by everyone. although one or both may have been poisoned.

it's barely five, and i've run out of stuff to do at work. tonight is going to suck big donkey balls. i would work on my script for Script Frenzy, but i still have no clue what i'm going to write about. i'm the poster child for procrastination.

NIN put out a new album. you can check it out here. i don't think it's worth the twenty bucks what with no Miley or Lohan in it.

what a useless post for such a useless day.

yay!

2009-03-31T13:49:00.004-05:00

-someone finally decided to make a Where the Wild Things Are movie. yay! here's the trailer:

-i actually did what i said i would do yesterday. i went home and went to bed. it felt great!

-for some reason, my mention of bifocals yesterday sent the senior citizen crowd to my blog in droves. i need to stop acting like i'm eighty.

-the wind here in West Texas has been especially crappy lately. well really the weather has in general. it is 80 one day and snowing the next. it's really cutting into my running time, and it's making me crabby.

-i'm ordering a new phone tomorrow. mine is cracked so it's dead to me. i think it broke during a drunken stupor. details are fuzzy. anyway, any suggestions for a new phone?

random crap

2009-03-30T12:59:00.004-05:00

-i got NIN/JA tix. i failed miserably at the presale because i couldn't read the captcha...repeatedly. i think i need bifocals. that should prob exempt me from the pit, but i'm pretty sure they don't do a walkers, canes, reading glasses pat down at the gate. anyway, i got some during the regular sale. (tickets not bifocals...)

-since i'm taking time off to see the show and drink heavily on the road, i can't afford new tires. mine are bald. good think i believe in prayer.

-someone told me that i was the Daphne to their Niles. i thought that was incredibly sweet, and it melted my cold, black heart for all of two seconds.

-Script Frenzy starts in two days. i have no idea what my plot will be. again, i'm resorting to prayer. that or lots of booze.

-my plan today is to leave work and go home. and then promptly go to bed. i have a sneaking suspicion that someone is going to thwart my plan. that person will pay dearly. unless they bring a Sonics tea. then maybe not.

-i need more birds in my life. i'm considering a humming bird feeder, but i really don't know if Lubbsuck has humming birds. i'm too lazy to look it up. but i sure would like to have a couple of little bird friends hanging out on my porch.

conversation of the day

2009-03-25T14:40:00.002-05:00

coworkers often check in with me before going to lunch. so this one guy asks me to clock him out.

me: make sure and eat something nutritious.

cw: uh, i guess i will eat a banana and meat.

he said it with all seriousness. i'm not sure what that meant, and i was afraid to ask. did he mean a banana and meat together? like a weird combo meal? and what did he mean my meat? mystery meat? when i think of nutritious, i sure don't think 'banana and meat.' am i the only one who doesn't get this?

random crap

2009-03-24T09:18:00.003-05:00

-i thought the March for Babies was 3 miles this year and planned to run it. i just noticed it's really 4. that's a measly mile difference, but when you're panting your lungs out onto the street, it does matter.

-a friend had given me a gift certificate for a massage and a tangerine body scrub. i think i'm going to go cash in that mo fo this weekend. i've been all stressed out, and i think a hot, non-English speaking masseuse is just what i need.

-i like Twitter so far. i like that i can update it via cell phone so i can tweet from the bar, when i'm passed out in a ditch after the bar, or from the the road on a trip, etc. and all my peeps can keep up with my super exciting life. so can all the stalkers who follow me. plus i just like to say tweet.

-well i wasn't going to do it, but i caved. i'm going to go see NIN with Jane's Addiction. i've never seen JA live so that will be a treat. hopefully, it will be another pit experience. i'll let everyone know if was able to score tix.

-my boss keeps cooking us breakfast. i think he's doing it because he doesn't want to work. i can't say that i blame him. his shirking is my good luck as i love me some eggs and snausage.

babies on the brain.

2009-03-23T14:22:00.004-05:00

it's that time again. that's right, it's time for The March for Babies. it's the ONLY charity i raise money for, and i would like all you guys to reach deep down into your ~~cold, heartless souls~~ dirty, linty pockets and scrounge up a buck or two. use this convenient widget to donate or, if you know me personally, hand me some bills. all the tiny babies and i thank you.

conversation of the day

2009-03-20T11:37:00.002-05:00

a coworker came into my Dilbert cube, sat down, turned on my TV, and started eating an apple.

me: you seem to have mistaken my work area for a lounge area.

coworker: why are you so mean?

me: because i'm mean christine.

cw: but why? why can't you be happy?

me: i'm always happy. i'm just mean and happy.

Lady Satan

2009-03-18T19:25:00.001-05:00

someone just called me Lady Satan. not in a mean way. just instead of my real name. it brought back memories. someone from my past used to call me Lady Satan a long time ago in a different life. i wonder what about me causes people to want to call me such a name...

serious post

2009-03-18T11:55:00.004-05:00

well as serious as it can be coming from someone who just spend the last few minutes singing Blondie's "Call Me" at the top of her lungs to her coworkers and whose work IM blurb says that "i am Batman."

those of you close to me know that this past year has been tough for a lot of reason. physical. emotional. spiritual. you get the idea. i've counted on lots of resources ranging from friends and family to doctors to prayer, etc. you get the idea because if you're reading this blog, you're surely not a buffoon.

but i'm cleaning house. i'm moving on from detrimental relationships and habits. i'm getting rid of lots of mementos and things from my past. it's very liberating. it's very comforting. in all honesty, i didn't come to such conclusions lightly. i left the ball in others' courts, so to speak, and let their actions show me if they had my best interests in mind or not. some did. others didn't. of course, i don't expect everyone to have my interests in mind ALL the time, but with my recent troubles, i did need that for now. and i did make that clear. i can only control my own actions and not those of others. i'm assuming they have made choices based on what is most important to them, and i respect that. i've also decided to remove myself from relationships that were full of drama. personally, i left high school behind when i grabbed that diploma. so i just need to do what's best for me at this point.

so maybe in ten years, if i'm still alive and kicking (people in the shins), i will call up some old peeps and see if we can be friends. but until then, i have eliminated several people from my life.

on the other side of that coin, there is someone from my past that i've been thinking of contacting. it's prob not the wisest idea, but i'm thinking about it anyway.

that's enough rambling about such serious nonsense. let's lighten up this mo fo by me admitting that i've been calling a coworker by the wrong name for about six months. that can't be good...

let that shiner shine

2009-03-17T13:06:00.002-05:00

i've seen some 'news' articles about people wanting Cover Girl to drop Rihanna after her douche kicked her ass. i say, 'hell no!' now is the time for the product to really shine. it can showcase how it covers those nasty welts and bruises, those bite marks and scratches, those swollen lips and left over scars. if she can continue to look beautiful even after the cycle of abuse, why that's the mark of a stand up product.

luck o' the Irish

2009-03-17T09:02:00.002-05:00

i just gorged on green pancakes, green eggs and sausage, and Lucky Charms at work. they know i can't work after such gluttony. oh well. i will be under my desk sleeping for the next two hours.

must have

2009-03-12T09:12:00.002-05:00

you know those little ideas that you hear about and think, 'man, that's so simple and yet so amazing?' here's one of those ideas. as an avid tooth brusher, i love it. what a great idea!

another christine moment

2009-03-11T19:15:00.002-05:00

so the bro and i are in Dallas visiting peeps. we always do tons of shopping while we're there because lame-o Lubbsuck only has crap stores. we decide to go to Sam Moon, but we have Rockstars. Sam Moon has a no beverage policy so we return to the car, and i place mine in the console. we shop and shop and shop.

so we are done there and deep in conversation. we're walking back to the car. i hear Tangerine Dream say, 'that's not it.' it doesn't really fit into our deep conversation, but i don't say anything. i go get into the car with all my purchases. i reach over to grab my Rockstar from the console, and it's not there. instead, there's a lotion there. i look around, and everything's different. now i get it. 'that's not it' meant 'that's not my car.' i'm in the wrong fucking car! it wasn't locked so i hopped right on in and made myself comfortable. meanwhile, T.D. had just mosied on to the right car and was patiently waiting for me to figure it all out...

i jump out and run to our car which was two spaces down. i'm laughing so hard i'm crying. i'm just glad that no one had been sitting in that driver's seat because that would have been awkward. who doesn't lock their car? i mean, i should have been able to just pull on the handle, and when it didn't open, i would have realized it wasn't our car.

in my defense, it was a white SUV. that's where the similarities stopped. surprisingly, we weren't drinking anything stronger than a Rockstar at the time.

busy, busy, busy

2009-03-10T19:01:00.004-05:00

okay so i've been out of town. my peep threw a surprise party for his wife so we all snuck into town and got shit faced drunk. yay! hopefully, i can post pics here soon of that event.

speaking of busy, i added some widgets over there to your left. one is a MySpace widget. MS is so gay. i almost deleted my profile. i don't even know why i bother.

the other widget is for Twitter. i've had a Twitter account for quite some time, but i've never used it before. i'm scoping it out. if i don't like it, i will delete it too.

however, if all the crap is making my blog too busy or making it load too slowly or just bugging the shit out of you, let me know. not that i take anyone's opinions into consideration but still.

desk mate

2009-03-05T22:38:00.004-06:00

i got a new work friend. his name is Gus. he joins Robert Plant, the ivy, and Monica Gellar-Bing, the mini frog. here are pictures. he's really tiny, and the directions say he needs lots of bright light. so my work desk my not be the best place for him as we usually are all too hungover or sleepy to work with a light on. but my house isn't any brighter. with the price of electricity these days, i spend my time with all the lights off for the most part. people probably think i'm a vampire or something. my pasty white skin doesn't help the image either. i'm not sure if i'm going to do the whole spray tan that i did last year or just live with myself pathetically pale. i'd do a poll and let you guys decide, but it's late. i have a lot to do tomorrow starting with a three mile run. the directions also say he's supposed to eat, but it doesn't state what. co-workers? exes? Krispy Kreme donuts? you're guess is as good as mine. i hope i figure it out before feeding time.

a picture is worth a thousand words

2009-03-01T23:04:00.004-06:00

and here are several pics. (since they're worth so much, they make up for the lack of posting here recently. i will post soon about why i've been MIA.)

this first pic is obviously some flowers someone bought me. i was going to say that they are the prettiest flowers i've ever received, but that's not true. i just think that about flowers each time i get them. the pic does not do them justice. they were stunning.

here is a close up.

and here is a Simon donut! he was sleeping and snoring away when i snapped this one.

conversation of the day

2009-02-24T08:41:00.002-06:00

this happened via text when i randomly sent a thought to Gold Digger.

me: i'd kill myself if my last name was Chestnut!

GD: that's funny. you'd kill yourself. we're so dramatic.

me: well it's ugly! anything with nuts is ugly.

GD: i agree. then you throw a chest into it, and it just gets worse.

aw, man!

2009-02-20T08:17:00.003-06:00

Dr. Carter's fine ass is back on ER, and i totally forgot to watch it last night! he should be back until the end of the series so if i can shake early onset senility for a min or two, i will set my DVR to record the last few episodes. his leaving was the only reason i stopped watching it. well that and Rocket Romano's crappy demise.

Friday the 13th....spooky!

2009-02-13T22:26:00.003-06:00

okay not really, but i needed a title. i'm trying to post every day, but i don't have much to say today. so instead i leave you with some tunes. first is another cover by a new favorite artist of mine, Ray LaMontagne. he is covering a Bee Gees song, "To Love Somebody." and after that is yet another cover of a Gnarls Barkley song, "Crazy." and finally, one of his own works entitled "I Still Care for You." everyone listen and enjoy.

crotch-less christine

2009-02-12T08:30:00.002-06:00

so i wore some pants yesterday with a giant hole in the crotch. i was aware they were hole-y...this time. the last time i wore them, i was not aware of this air conditioning feature.

i found these pants in a storage box. (as i have been getting rid of things and cleaning stuff out.) they used to be my favorite pants back in the day. i had forgotten why i had stopped wearing them. i probably stored them to use them as laundry day pants or something. anyway, i decided to wear my old fave pants to a kids' birthday party. we went on hay rides and climbed hills. we pet crazy animals and swung on tire swings. the entire time i was flashing those poor tots and all of their parents, too. i didn't realize, until i got home, that i was missing a vital part of the pant structure- the crotch. let's see if i'm invited to future events.

but yesterday i had forgotten to do laundry. so i thought i'd just wear what i had. i sit at a desk all day so it's not like anyone would notice. maybe i'll sew a giant neon pink patch on there and just start wearing them every day.

conversation of the day

2009-02-11T15:21:00.003-06:00

peep: every time the wind blows, it messes up my hair.

me: i think you need to shellac it with some hair gel.

peep: oh

bunch of rambling

2009-02-10T09:39:00.004-06:00

-"Tales from the Darkside" season 1 was released on DVD this week. i remember as a kid this show really spooked the crap out of me. i've since watched it on Sci Fi, and it's really cheesy. i still love the overly dramatic opening though. "Man lives in the sunlit world of what he believes to be reality. But... there is, unseen by most, an underworld, a place that is just as real, but not as brightly lit... a Darkside."

-i have an appt on Thursday with my neuro specialist. i hope i don't make a buffoon of myself again. i'm always acting spastic and weird when he walks into the room. i think that last time i was making the little mini-skeleton dance.

-i wonder if my insomnia has been cured a little too well. yesterday i skipped the gym and went home and went mimis. i woke up around 10:30, cooked some chicken and ate it, and then went back mimis until this morning. that's a little excessive. but, man! do i feel great today.

-i will be out of town next month and visiting a Dobie rescue shelter. i may just come home with a new critter. we'll see though. i'm not sure that i'm ready just yet. then again i'm going out of town to party so i may be too drunk/hungover to visit the shelter in the first place.

-i'm going to the local library book sale this weekend. as always, i have a list of books that i will be trying to find. does anyone have any suggestions for me to add?

-someone has been calling residents in this shit town and saying they are from the health department and informing them that they are HIV positive. people have way too much time on their hands. i can think of about 2.5 billion things i'd rather be doing than calling strangers for any reason much less to try to scare them about their health.

-i love me some cover songs. Seether re-did Careless Whisper. everyone take a listen.

christine the cook

2009-02-09T09:25:00.002-06:00

i've learned something this past year, and that's that i am a damn fine cook. i'd always hated cooking in the past. i still don't always like to do it. but, for some reason, i have been cooking a lot more, and i'm really good. i think part of it is that i'm creative so i can fly really loose with the ingredients. anyway, my only problem is that i need new knives. i was trying to cut some jicama yesterday, and i might as well have been using a two by four to slice it. so that's on my next round of major purchases for the house. to go with my new picture taking self, i think i will start posting pics of what i cook to make you guys salivate.

of course, no carbs will be in what i cook (limited carbs to be exact) since i'm still on this devil diet. oddly, all weekend i dreamed that i was eating sweets. hot chocolate in one dream. my mom baked about fifty cakes in another. i'm pretty sure some candy was involved. very Freudian. but i have not caved!

the lawn service offered to come spray my weeds this coming weekend. i think i will make him some lunch. after all, it's better to cook for someone you love than just for yourself. i would like to make something sweet for him, too, since Dad loves the sugar like me. but i'd better not tempt myself.

*on an off note, my peeps and i are trying to plan our vacay for this summer. there's the staple Vegas. someone mentioned a cruise. but i kind of want to do something different. any suggestions? hopefully nothing too pricey as i'm (hopefully) buying a house later this year.

seeing is believing

2009-02-07T13:00:00.006-06:00

i forgot to post that another one of my resolutions is to take (and post) more pics. so without further adieu, here you go.

so i've got hidden talents. things such as the ability to cross one eye. or the ability to eat a Twix without chewing it. but here's one that is actually useful. i can knit. yes, that's right, i'm a knitter. i worked hard on a lucky scarf for a good friend of mine. and i only knit scarves for special people because i normally have the attention span of a fruit fly. anyway, here was the work in progress. i thought i took pics of the scarf completed, but i must have deleted them or something as i can't find them.

and i've already received a Valentime's gift! someone knows me well...

And finally, here are pic of the boots that i bought. will be great when i'm too hungover to lace up.

the new year begins in February.

2009-02-03T10:13:00.002-06:00

so here are my New Year's resolutions that i've been meaning to post for the past year and a half. i've actually been doing them so it's not like i'm just starting them. i'm just now sharing them though.

-more writing and less thinking about writing. in fact, starting this weekend, i'm penciling it into my schedule.

-on the same note, i am writing more regularly to my peep in the clink. i enjoy writing, and i'm sure he enjoys reading what i write. and even if he doesn't, it's either that or count the cracks on the ceiling so i'm sure he'd rather read my letters.

-i have made a commitment to volunteer. that's right, i will be molding minds and tutoring. scary, huh? actually, i will be working with adults who can't read or can't read well and tutoring them. i figure if they're willing to learn then i should be willing to teach.

-well i've already mentioned this stupid diet. (and, yes, that's how i refer to it whenever i go out in public. if i have to ask the barista at Starbucks what i can drink, i say, 'i'm on this stupid diet, see?' or when i go to a restaurant, same thing.) anyway, i'm doing very well. i bet if i ever eat candy again, it will overwhelm my taste buds.

-i am still simplifying my life. that's something i started last year. i'm getting rid of everything. i'm giving most of it away. it's cluttery, and i don't care for it.

-and finally, and most importantly, i'm keeping my friends and family as my top priority. it's so easy in life to put work, life, guilty pleasures, poor choices, etc, ahead of what's most important. but no more. life is short. i am doing what i can in that short amount of time.

being a reptile is a handicap.

2009-01-27T12:31:00.003-06:00

yesterday and today have been icy, frigid nightmare days here in L-town. i left for lunch just now, and since a lot of people in my office take noon lunches, tons of people were trudging through the sleet and snow to their cars way down at the end of the parking lot. not me! i had sense enough to park in the handicapped spot right by the door. i'm no fool. i'm sure my spot will be reserved when i get back, too. i hope those non-thinkers are enjoying their frost bitten appendages.

conversation of the day

2009-01-26T00:21:00.003-06:00

this took place via text with a friend of mine.

me: i want cowboy boots.

peep: LOL

me: what?

peep: nothing. go for it.

me: i have wanted to embrace my inner cowgirl for years but have put it off. no more.

peep: yeehaw.

me: yeah!

(long time passes while i browse online.)

me: man, boots are expensive.

peep: you are kidding, right?

me: about?

peep: the boots.

me: no! i want to boot scoot.

peep: i see.

i had to assure him that my boots would match my NIN tees before he seemed to get on board. so i'm tracking some cool, scruffy ones on ebay. yeehaw!

TGIF

2009-01-23T09:38:00.002-06:00

-this week has been exceptionally good even though i have been on this low carb thing. i normally do my chores on Saturdays, but i have been doing a little each night so this Saturday i can laze about or hang out in coffee shops or whatever.

-i'm still on this devil diet. he is probably prancing about and waving his pitchfork around while us humans suffer without sugar. i had headaches the first two days, but i'm feeling better now. aside from the really strong late night cravings, i am learning to cope. luckily, i never drink sugary drinks or soda. and i only drink sugar-free Rockstars. that fact alone has prob been my saving grace. we did, however, have birthday cake and Krispy Kremes in the office this week. i was tempted to stick my face in the frosting of the cake, but i controlled my impulses and did not eat any! i cannot believe i have that much will power. also, i can't have alcohol for two weeks. oh, the agony! and afterwards i can't have any thing carby (yes, i just made up a word) like beer so straight vodka it is!

-for my MySpace mood today, i put "blessed." i then changed the little icon to a devil. i figured that would keep my peeps scratching their heads in confusion.

-i have one Valentime's date lined up so far. i'm so excited! it used to be my favorite holiday until i couldn't really celebrate it. but now that i can celebrate, i'm really looking forward to it. i am sticking to the low carb thing so everyone knows that i'm not eating sugar or starchy foods. but anything else is fair game. i have really high expectations, too, so i hope no one lets me down.

-i know i've mentioned on here that my insomnia is cured, but i just don't think you a-holes that sleep well know what a blessing it is. this morning i woke up at 6AM thinking i had overslept because i felt like i had slept for fifty hours. i had gone to bed at 1AM. i slept like the dead. i have so much energy and am in such a better mood in the mornings now. (i won't go so far as to say i'm chipper in the mornings because i'm not a morning person, but you can probably say hi to me without me flipping you the bird.)

Happy Inauguration Day!!!

2009-01-20T08:59:00.002-06:00

the big day is finally here. i'm lucky enough to be able to watch TV at work so i will be glued to my set. i, like the rest of the world, have high hopes for President Obama. i also realize that life isn't perfect and things will arise that force him to change his course over the next four years, but i support and respect his Presidency. everyone go out and get your free patriotic Krispy Kreme donut. i won't as i'm on this stupid low carb thing and thus hating life. but the rest of you eat one for me. catch you on the flip side.

better than nothing

2009-01-18T14:04:00.003-06:00

i don't feel like posting so here's a little vid of some of us getting tanked before the office Christmas party. it's kind of dark, and we all look like a bunch of smoking, alcoholic losers, but it's something to keep you entertained. you can see me for a split second at the beginning of the vid.

well crap.

2009-01-16T15:14:00.002-06:00

on one of my recent posts, i bitched about wanting to go out of town. well i got my wish...in a weird monkey's paw kind of way. my grandmother passed away. so i went to Dallas to be with family. i had a lot of fun considering the circumstances of the trip. on the way back, we had a blow out. good times!

maybe i'll get those resolutions posted by June. i'm working on projects around the house, and so i've been a little preoccupied. but i will get back into posting groove soon, i hope.

conversation of the day

2009-01-12T14:09:00.002-06:00

this one took place via IM at work with my peep.

co-worker: omg, Chris. just called this customer and I swear there was the creepiest music playing in the background.

me: like? ABBA?

cw: like ghost moaning.

me: oh.

i'm here!!!

2009-01-07T12:59:00.002-06:00

well, again, it's been a while since i've posted so this one will be a mash up of info that has been haphazardly thrown together just to let you guys know that i haven't died or anything.

- Wed. are usually my grocery shopping days. however, my entire grocery list this week consists of "booze." so that should be pretty easy.

- i know i haven't posted my New Year's resolutions yet. i should prob add "stop procrastination" to them, but i won't. i know my limitations.

- i hate coming back to work from the holidays because everyone asks, 'how were your holidays?' it's not that i had a bad time or anything, but i hate small talk. i'm sure they don't really care if it was good or bad or spent lying in a gutter in Vegas. so i purposely sigh really loudly before answering. the sigh has two purposes. one, it lets people know i'm bored with the conversation. and two, if it's a nice long drawn out sigh, i am well down the hall before i am obligated to return the favor and ask about their holiday thus saving me from having to hear their response.

- my new Blu-ray player is awesome! i don't turn on my sub anymore ever since my neighbor complained about the vibrations. but she still came and complained during The Dark Knight screening that i had! and there was no sub on. the sound quality is so good that the house was rockin', and she came a knockin'.

- i have been writing strongly worded letters to plenty of businesses lately. i'm a fan of the strongly worded letter to emphasize good or bad service, products, etc. i've received plenty of responses and even some freebies. really that's not why i do it, though. i do it because people should know if their businesses suck or are excellent or whatever the case may be.

- i've been feeling super restless lately. i almost went out of town for New Year's, but then i decided to take it easy and stay home. boy, was that a mistake. i need to go visit people or something. and soon. anyone out there needing a dose of Christine for the weekend? (don't everybody pipe up at once...)

Christmas, New Year's, and all that crap

2008-12-30T21:06:00.002-06:00

i didn't realize it had been so long since i last posted. i had a merry Christmas full of presents and fun. perhaps i will post pics as soon as Gold Digger has the time to send me some. i am on vacation and was a little sick for the first part of it, but no matter. i took that as a sign to sloth about and watch TV.

i'm not sure what i want to do for New Year's Eve. normally, i'm all about the party, and i almost went out of town to visit some peeps. but now i'm kind of thinking a quiet, introspective evening would be more appealing. i hardly need a two day hangover. of course, as the time draws nigh, i could crumble and start downing shots like Simon eats cereal.

i'm giving The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People a re-read. if you've never read it, i highly recommend it. if you've read it, you're probably back to your old stagnant self and need to re-read it, too. and i have a Yahoo group going for participants. if you're interested, let me know.

sometimes when i have a cold, i get a little asthmatic. i use that as an excuse to up the caffeine for medical reasons. it's 9PM, and i'm craving a Rockstar? no problem. i need to dilate those bronchial tubes anyway. i've had sixteen cups of coffee by noon? no problem! it's all in the name of health. i've always looked at the positive sides of things.

for Christmas my sister got me The Hour I First Believed by Wally Lamb, my favorite contemporary author. i have used ever fiber of my will power to not start it as i will not eat, sleep, or move once i am involved. it's calling me. like Snoopy's cookies call him.

i will be posting my New Year's resolutions soon, as usual. so everyone can mock me and ridicule me when they fizzle out by noon on the 1st. i hope everyone has a happy, safe holiday.

my weekend

2008-12-22T09:50:00.002-06:00

i got just about all my Christmas shopping done. i love buying toys. i am the person who tries them out in the store to make sure they're fun and then could fill up baskets with stuff. but i do use a budget to prevent that last part. i am actually tempted to keep some of the items for myself, and me and my peeps almost had to open one of the toys as we "needed" it on Saturday night to help with our conundrum. (more on that later.)

at Target i was gone scratching my ass. i looked over to see a man and his family with a horrified look on his face, and i laughed. i told my shopping buddy that i should not be allowed out in public. the sad thing is that i don't get embarrassed. i feel no shame. i just think it's funny.

i made the best cheesy bratwurst stew. of course, it has 6.5 billion calories per serving, but it was well worth it.

so Saturday, i decided to have that Dark Knight screening. i had a friend come hook up my equipment since i was busy decorating for Christmas. (my house now looks like Christmas threw up all over it.) we tested out the Blu-Ray player and all was fine. a few peeps came over that night, and we got all nestled in to watch the best movie of the year. about thirty seconds into it, we heard a loud pop and the screen went dark. my fucking projection lamp went out! we couldn't believe that it picked that time to do it. of course, no one in Lubbsuck has any in stock so i am without my TV for eternity and my peeps could not watch The Dark Knight. what a crock! so we almost dove into the gifts to get the much needed item to create a diversion so we could swipe a lamp from a floor model at Suck-it City. but we ended up chatting instead.

i hope everyone else had a great weekend, too. i'm in an exceptionally good mood as i start my vacation later this week. i foresee lots of reading, drinking, traveling, and good times in my near future.

simple life

2008-12-18T08:44:00.001-06:00

the highlight of my day yesterday was when i was able to spell vagina in my Scrabble game.

crusty mood

2008-12-17T13:54:00.003-06:00

my crusty mood continues. i had my work Christmas party on Sunday. they are usually pretty fun with great prizes. i decided to take my sister since she never gets to do anything cool. we met up with some co-workers before hand to get tanked first. at the party, i introduced my sister as my lesbian lover. don't forget i live in the Bible Belt. i'm sure people were offended. but i also don't give a shit what other people think. people who know me know i was just kidding as i'm always parading my sister and her perfect kids around my office. when i told my supervisor, he had this look on his face as which said he wasn't sure if i was serious or joking. guess there's no telling with me. i cleared it up for him and let him off the hook. i'm no lesbian. although, i'm pretty sure my life would be easier if i was.

i am super emotional lately. not sure if it's the holidays or what, but i started crying today at work after getting an email from a friend. it wasn't a bad email. in fact, it said great things about me including how i have inspired him to be a better person, how i'm beautiful, and how i'm smart and funny. but i guess it was just so overwhelming. oddly, when people are mean to me, it doesn't make me cry. i just flip the bird and go about talking to my mini frog or something.

gas is so freakin' cheap that i filled up my tank for under twenty bucks. and that was because i was literally coasting in on fumes. i think i am just going to spend my evenings driving around town and listening to music because, for once, i can afford it.

i asked the employee at Jason's Deli if the pot pie crust was made out of gold. it was twenty dollars for me and a friend to eat lunch. it's cheaper to buy gas now. even though it's costing me my life savings to eat there, i am obsessed. anyway, their soft serve machine has been broken for my last four visits so i wrote the company an email talking about how i die a little inside each time that i walk away with an empty cone in my hand. i haven't heard a reply yet.

not thirty minutes ago, during my yearly work evaluation, i told my sup i would work on being less blunt with co-workers. and yet i just asked a dude if he was done talking to me with his pointless banter because i had stopped listening to him a long time ago. old habits die hard.

pointless rants

2008-12-11T09:29:00.003-06:00

- i was in a foul mood yesterday. and a bill collecting agency called about a hospital bill from the emergency visit earlier this year. (i'm great about paying my bills, but if there is not an online payment option, i will put it off until they call.) anyway, i proceeded to take out my day's frustration on her and the sup she put on. i'm thinking she put the sup on because i was hostile. but really, the rep was a nosey bitch. i told her i didn't have my credit card with me so she gasped and replied, 'you don't carry it with you?!' what business is that of hers? when she wanted me to call her back on my lunch today, i told her that i didn't know if i was taking a lunch. again, she gasped, 'your job doesn't give you lunches?' i yelled at her that i didn't say that and for her to mind her own damn business. anyway, i yelled a bunch of other stuff because she was an idiot and because i was already in a crusty mood. by the time she put her sup on i told them both i was "over it" and "is there a point to this lingering conversation?" suffice it to say, i spread around my crappy attitude yesterday.

- so my office is pitted against our other offices in this Biggest Loser competition. yesterday, a giant bowl of candy appeared in the lobby. as i was pilfering through it, my boss yelled from her office about someone trying to sabotage us. i yelled back that i was falling for it. then i mumbled about my weak will power. when i left the office last night, the bowl was near empty so i decided to stock up. that's when i noticed my favorite candy, the Twix. i hadn't noticed it before which is probably a good thing or the supervisors would have seen a display of gluttony like they've never seen before. so i filled my pockets with all the remaining Twix and am currently stuffing my mouth with all of them at once. attractive!

- my new Blu-ray player arrived this week. as did my copy of The Dark Knight. i will have a screening at my house this weekend or next. everyone's invited. it's byob.

- i took my friend to the Holiday Pops concert this past Saturday for his birthday. it made me miss playing in an orchestra i'm considering taking lessons to brush up. there's something about playing that is very soothing. and, looking at most of my posts, i need a lot of soothing.

- last Thursday i was in a super crusty mood. i got up from my desk and went to get coffee. some jerk-off left a teaspoon of coffee in the pot and did not make more. how lazy can you be? the pot is hooked up to the water line and the pouches of coffee are pre-measured and sealed in a filter. all you do is push a damn button. so i make more and wait in the hall for it to brew. i guess my hatred for humanity was written on my face because my sup warily approached me and asked what was wrong. i proceeded to rant about the coffee when another sup just happened to be walking by. i yelled, 'was it you?!' poor dude. wrong place, wrong time. he assured me that it wasn't him. so the first sup opens his cup to show me that he doesn't even drink coffee only tea. that sets me off again. i ask him what's wrong with him and say that i don't trust those who don't drink coffee. anyway, everyone left me alone the rest of the day and Friday. i'm guessing word spread that i wasn't feeling chatty.

- so far at work today i have been called baby, witch hazel, and drumstick. i'm beginning to wonder if anyone even knows my name.

shopping

2008-12-09T10:52:00.002-06:00

i love to order stuff online. not only is the actual receiving of the package fun, but tracking it online as it meanders across these great United States is, too! in fact, i think i might order things just to track them. i currently have a Sony Blu-Ray player making it's way to my house as i blog. and The Dark Knight, my newest favorite movie, is somewhere up north working its way down. i have other things, too. man, i never have to leave the house! good thing, too, because it's snowing today. i love snow, but i am not a warm blooded creature. i am going to have to get all technical and figure out how to hook my electric blanket up to a portable generator so that i can sustain a decent body temperature while i shop this weekend in brick and mortar stores. my plan so far is to get all of my shopping done in one fell swoop. that way i can hole up in my house and spend my days curled up in front of the fireplace with my weasel.

my true talent

2008-12-03T20:32:00.003-06:00

has always been my bluntness. i do, however, make exceptions out of respect for my elders, to keep my job, and sometimes out of pity. but no more. those days are done. from now on, i will just allow any thought to come spewing out of my mouth. why? because people aren't worth it. if poor schmucks are dying thanks to mobs of shoppers, teenagers are being chained against their wills, and Kim Kardassssssian's desire to wear clothes is a headline, then why the hell do i care what you assholes think?

so today, upon return to work from a stomach flu, i offered someone details about my illness. i don't think someone has changed their mind so fast about talking to me in their life! the other day i told a customer that a store will not replace her toaster forever when it keeps breaking thanks to something called an expired warranty and the same goes for the products that my company sells. what a liberating conversation that was! and i have been helping my sister talk to her relatives and friends because i don't mind helping others with bluntness either. i can dish it and then you can pass it along.

so there. i'm done with any iota of censoring. i hope shoppers are ready for me when i hit the stores this weekend.

a day late and a dollar short

2008-11-28T08:50:00.002-06:00

(and fifty pounds heavier!) i usually write a happy Thanksgiving post and ruminate on the things for which i am grateful. i was so busy baking up a storm and playing games at my family's house that i never got around to it. so without further adieu, here it is.

i hope everyone had as great a Turkey Day as i did. i baked my famous pumpkin cheesecake in a gingersnap crust that was gobbled up faster than i ran out of work on Wednesday afternoon. (and that, my friends, was super fast.) i also did stuffed jalapenos breaded with a turkey sausage mixture. i've already got requests for more of those. and of course we had tons of the traditional fare: boatloads of turkey, can shaped cranberry sauce, enough stuffing to feed a small country.

but, aside from the great food, i have much more to be thankful for this year.

of course, i am grateful for my family. they may be a bunch of obnoxious losers who should never be allowed in public, but they are truly people that i can count on for anything. this year was difficult in many ways, but my family came through in just as many ways.

on the other side of that coin are my friends. they showed their true colors this year, and those colors were beautiful.

sleep! my insomnia has been cured. i've suffered with severe insomnia for years, but not anymore. i put my head on the pillow and fall asleep quickly. i rarely wake up in the middle of the night, and if i do, i just roll over and go back to sleep. you may think that's nothing, but to someone who has never slept well, it is a Godsend. i didn't realized this was how people slept! i wake up energetic and ready to go. it's amazing.

my weasel. i love him with all my heart, and i know he loves me with his little weasel heart.

surprisingly, my job. i am lucky to work with people that i enjoy and to have job security in these crappy economical times. plus, i get free cable and internet. can't beat that, and God knows i'm grateful for my internet.

i am so thankful for coffee. whoever first decided to get beans and brew them was probably the smartest person that ever lived. i thank that person!

well, i could go on forever with this list, but i'll wrap it up. hope everyone had a great holiday. now go stimulate the economy and buy me a Blu-Ray player.

two extremes

2008-11-20T14:38:00.004-06:00

several things have made me laugh these last few days:

-i rise and shine early every morning without an alarm. okay, well maybe i don't "shine," but i do rise. the other day i got up super early and had plenty of time before i had to be at work at 8. so, after i ate breakfast, i decided to clean Simon's cage. while i was cleaning it, i heard a really loud *CRUNCH CRUNCH* coming from behind me. turns out i had dropped some cereal without realizing it. my weasel was just munching away. it was the cutest thing. i laughed and laughed all day about his eating people food. he's always had a sweet tooth, but i try to keep him on a strict regimen of weasel food only.

-a while ago, i changed my MySpace name to Martha Dumptruck (from the movie Heathers.) one of my work peeps got all bent out of shape about something and yelled, 'listen here, Ms. Drumstick!' i quickly retorted, 'it's MS. DUMPTRUCK!!! DUMPTRUCK!!!' i got an apathetic, 'whatever.' so for the rest of the day people were calling me Drumstick.

-the McRib is back. my waistline may not be laughing, but i am.

-i get to eat two turkey school lunches with my other niece and nephew tomorrow. that's right, two! i love me some tryptophan.

however, several things have not made me laugh lately:

-my niece took a plunge off of the top bunk and plummeted down to the floor. the only thing that broke her fall was the corner of a dresser which she smacked with her face. now she has three stitches, a swollen face, and two teeth that appear to be missing but are, in fact, only shoved back up into her gums. attractive! but she took it like a pro.

-roofers have been stomping around for the past week and making my life miserable. don't get me started on the leak that was finally repaired but that left a huge mess on my furniture and my belongings. i'm most upset about things with sentimental value such as my stuffed turtle that is now speckled with spackle. ironically, his name is Speckle. he is not amused. neither am i.

-it's unbelievably cold here in Lubbsuck today. for a second i thought my face froze off this morning, but it didn't.

you can't squeeze blood from a turnip.

2008-11-17T09:19:00.002-06:00

but apparently you can steal 50 gallons of it from me! last Thursday i had a doctor's appointment. before i knew it, ol Doc SoDoMe was herding me to the lab to get blood drawn. before doing so, he asked me if i'd eaten breakfast. my mind raced as to what answer would get me out of the lab work. "yes, i ate cereal!!!' i yelled. wrong answer. so down i went to the lab. when i was younger, i didn't mind giving blood. but every year that passes. it makes me queasier and queasier. so i was stuck waiting at the lab for about an hour which is just enough time to let my nerves hit a fever pitch in anticipation. i finally got called so there i go. what i don't understand is why it's so hard for technicians to hit a vein. i'm super pale. practically translucent. my veins glow bright green underneath my sickly pallor. you can see them from a mile away. but they never hit them. this time was no different. the tech was fishing around my left arm looking for it while i winced and tried not to look. finally she gave up and asked for my other arm. she stabbed it with the needle and finally found a vein. i was still avoiding looking. so far i was good. vial after vial after vial, and i was still good. finally she was done. that's when i made the mistake of looking at the vials. everything went black, i started to sweat profusely, and i thought i was going to hurl that God forsaken cereal that got me in that mess. i'm pretty sure i freaked the technician out. she ran to get me a towel and some water. anyway, next time someone draws blood, i will probably go into seizure. hope they're ready.

found my newest forte

2008-11-12T13:18:00.043-06:00

remember a few weeks back when i mentioned that i helped renovate a house? well here are some before and after pics. we actually did the work in a matter of weeks, but i'm just now getting around to posting the pictures. there is still more work to do so i will post the parts that are done.

THE BIG ROOM (so named because it's big.)
before: it's hideous, obviously. the hardwood floors were partially painted white. don't ask me why. the walls were full of holes and looked like crap. the tiled ceiling was literally sagging and about ready to collapse. everything was filthy. don't ask me what that turtle thing is. he was posing for the pic when we toured the house.

after: ahhh! look at that beautiful carpet, and the soft beige walls. the ceiling was ripped down and sheet rocked. then it was lovingly popcorned. we cleaned and spackled and repaired, and now it's a great cozy bedroom!

THE FRONT ROOMS (bedroom and living room)
before/after: i don't have the before pic of the living room, and i don't have the after pic of the front bedroom. but just imagine them both looking like crapola before and stunning after. the living room had been stained a tobacco. literally.

THE KITCHEN
before: the kitchen was, by far, the most daunting task in front of us. i mean, just look at it! there was a giant hole on the floor, the metal cabinets under the sink were rusted out. there were literally four layers of linoleum on the floor. everything was covered in grease and needed scrubbing and painting. just typing all of that made me tired!.

after: man, look at that awesome kitchen/dining area! we totally redid the floors after tearing up a half a century of decrepit linoleum. we patched holes and put in new appliances. doesn't it look great?! (that is not a dead body on the floor. i think that's my sister's father in law. i can't say i recognize his ass, but i think he was doing some work under the sink at picture time.)
we also changed the house from a gas/electric to a complete electric and put in a new sewer line. two rooms and both bathrooms still need to be redone, but we did a lot to make this house move in ready as fast as we could. i think we did good considering we had no previous experience renovating. yay!

free day

2008-11-07T14:24:00.002-06:00

i took the day off of work because i had a lot of overtime and because it was a long week. i did something that i never do. i went back and re-read my blog posts from this past year. it's easy to see that it was a difficult year for many reasons, but the summer in particular was a difficult one. looking back, i realized that i really went through a lot. i'm surprised i'm not curled in a fetal position crying for Mom.

with that being said, i still have some difficult things to deal with in my near future, but i think that, if i survived all of the things from this summer, i can survive the small obstacles currently in my path.

for today, though, the biggest challenge will be what eyeshadow to wear tonight. i'm taking it easy. i'm not even going to think about how i'm already 10,000 words behind on my NaNoWriMo...

updates

2008-11-05T16:24:00.003-06:00

so here are a few updates:

-i have been waiting on the Wii. i have a coupon so i will use that either this weekend or next. get ready for a Wii party, peeps!

-i have almost decided to go get another degree. UT here i come!!!

-speaking of UT, we creamed those bastards. it was a fine game! at the party, i got body slammed by a big buff dude, and i also got wasted. then we went to the bar to drink for free. what a great night!

-NaNoWriMo is coming along at a snail's pace. but i like snails so that's okay. i just need to hurry up and get some shit done this weekend before i am too far behind.

"Yes, we can."

2008-11-05T08:51:00.002-06:00

Congratulations to President-elect Obama. January can't get here fast enough.

Happy Election Day!

2008-11-04T07:23:00.002-06:00

so today's the big day.

years ago, before anyone really knew who Sen. Obama was, i told quite a few people that he was going to be our next president. i don't know if my prediction will hold true, but perhaps we will know by tonight. in any case, i will be casting my vote during my lunch and getting my free Krispy Kreme donut afterwards. everyone get out there and vote for your candidate, too. don't let your opportunity slip through your fingers.

ah, the weekend of weekends.

2008-10-31T09:04:00.002-05:00

so it's going to be a doozy. first of all it's Halloween which means extra murder and mayhem. i prob won't dress up this year just because i procrastinated on my costume until i ran out of time. Halloween also means it's the Paternal Unit's birthday. so i get to do the family thing and bake the best cake ever. but that's not all. tomorrow is the beginning of NaNoWriMo so i will be writing nonstop all month. and last, but definitely not least, is the Tech v. UT game. yowza! talk about a party full of tailgating, drinking, and (hopefully) celebrating. for you lucky sons of bitches who don't live in this shit town, catch the game on ESPN. all of these events are chances for me or my peeps to end up in the clink so i hope we steer clear of the popo. hope everyone has a great weekend as well. catch you on the flipside!

my electric blanket got fresh with me.

2008-10-29T13:35:00.002-05:00

i have wanted an electric blanket for freakin' ever, and i finally went and bought one. i'm always cold, and i apparently don't generate enough of my own body heat to keep my temperature regulated. man, i have been enjoying the hell out of it. i don't want to do anything anymore but curl up under it. i am tempted to skip the gym every day just so i can meet up with my electric blanket that much sooner. anyway, the other night it got fresh with me. every time i woke up, it was all up in my bid-ness. i'm not sure what's going on, but i'm pretty sure this blanket is wanting to take care of more than just my temperature needs. so, ladies, everyone rush out and buy one asap. you won't regret it.

pay the rent!

2008-10-28T16:19:00.002-05:00

maybe since it's my post title, i will remember to do it this month and avoid last month's fiasco. what fiasco? let me tell you. last month, i kept putting off paying it. i was busy and lazy and never mailed it. my landlady lives in town so sometimes i just drop it off in her mailbox. well it was already the 6th, and i had not done so. i figured i would do it on the next day. this was about ten at night. i was drinking Kennys. sometime later i decided to look at my lease agreement which states that any rent paid after the 6th day is late and accrues a fee. well crap. by then i was pretty lit, and it was like one in the morning. i got in the car and off i went across town. i got to her street, but all the houses looked the same. so i was milling around, in the dark, trying to remember what her house looked like without raising suspicions from anyone. i finally stuffed the envelope in the one i was pretty sure was hers and crossed my fingers. she never said she did not get it so my drunken self was successful. i hope i don't have to do that again.

what's worse than Christine in the morning?

2008-10-23T08:22:00.002-05:00

ans: Christine in the morning when it's below freezing.

this morning is the first freeze here in Lubbsuck. i hate it. i want to hibernate. as i walk in to work, there is a nice little congregation of supervisors. mine says, 'how're you, Christine?' in his usual, chipper tone. my reply? "i hate the cold." it doesn't exactly answer the question directly, but i think it gives a good idea as to what the answer may have been.

so i keep walking (towards the coffee pot, obviously) when another supervisor asks me a question about the last minute work he had approved the night before. of course, my response was a bitter, hateful one. he proceeds to tell me thank you. i ignore him completely and just mutter profanities under my breath instead. why should i say, 'you're welcome' when i don't mean it? i say we should all be more honest. it is the best policy, you know.

everyone knows i'm doing the Biggest Loser challenge here at work which could explain all the ugly looks when i get caught sneaking in bags of hamburgers and burritos. i'm wondering the best way to bring in donuts later...

so i'm having a garage sale this weekend. i'm simplifying my life. everything's going but the TV, the computers, the books, the microwave, and the weasel. all else is just more to dust and less room for Simon to run around. whatever doesn't sell on Saturday is getting donated via Freecycle or something.

i'm feeling the urge for a change in my life. last time i felt this way, i went to school and got my degree. i don't know what i'm going to do this time. my bitter mood right now is not the best time to make a decision regarding my future.

i do want to buy myself a nice Christmas present. i am trying to decide between a Wii or a Blu Ray player. a Wii would prob encourage my loser friends to hang out at my place more so that's a negative. a Blu Ray might, but it's less likely. well i still have some time to decide. good deals on sales might influence my decision, too.

dumb, dumb bastard

2008-10-20T15:36:00.003-05:00

who? me! for several reasons.

-Saturday night i was in a good mood. (good mood does not equal drunk, you alcoholics!) so i was in a hurry to pick up my peep and go shopping before Target closed. as i picked him up, he handed me a beer which i quickly opened. (i digress here to reminisce about the good ol' days when Texas did not have open container laws. you could booze it up all day long in your car. sigh.) so as i hurtled down the street at like sixty miles an hour in a forty five, there was a cop that i saw and that my peep quickly pointed out. did i slow down? nope. so then some other peep texted me. with my beer in one hand and my cell in the other, i started driving with my knee. i swerved in and out of the lane next to mine which just happened to be the one the cop was in. he didn't care. he was prob drinking and driving, too. and texting. and eating a donut.

-i am passing out from lack of junk food. i have sworn it off for two weeks to help jump start my progress in the Biggest Loser at work. well it's a late start seeing as how all last week i binged on cake and sausage. i also ditched the gym. i don't want to weigh in tomorrow seeing as how i probably gained fifty pounds. i don't want to explain my complete lack of enthusiasm to my gung-ho boss.

-i'm thinking of buying a neon "LIVE NUDES" sign and planting it on someone's patio. a very conservative someone. serves him right for being a douche.

-i spend way too much time laughing by myself in my Dilbert cubicle. i'm pretty sure my co-workers question my sanity. fortunately, most of them are too scared to confront me.

-my neuroscience specialist doctor has some foreign name. it does sound very similar to So Do Me. i'm going to call him that until he says something.

wastes of time

2008-10-19T11:59:00.002-05:00

i have seen some good vids here lately and thought i would share the joy. this first one is such a great work of art! i love it.

this one makes me think of Tangerine Dream because he's a douche.

this one is for all of you with dirty minds.

conversation of the day

2008-10-16T08:18:00.004-05:00

this convo took place between me and Gold Digger. in case you're not aware, Gold Digger is my sister. she got a very detailed health screening at work.

Gold Digger: i got my health report. says i'm a man.

me: nice.

G.D.: i question its credibility now. says i need testicular self exams. maybe that just means i have balls.

me: perhaps.

G.D.: it has it in there twice?!

me: well i'm assuming you have two of them.

G.D.: i asked the ladies at the office if theirs said that, and they said no. weird.

and later that night when i reminded "her" to perform the self exam, i just got a big FU. see if i try to help him anymore.

i love bush!!!

2008-10-14T10:34:00.002-05:00

did i just turn lez? i meant the band. what the hell happened to Gavin and Gwen? they used to be pretty cool back in the day. now they are crap. why the rant? i'm blaring some old school Bush in my work cubicle.

we are doing a Biggest Loser challenge at work. it's two months long, and the winning team gets a prize. i plan to try to lose fifteen pounds. so for the next few weeks, i will be miserably cranky, tired, sore, and hateful. well, i guess i always am, but i have an excuse this time.

i'm changing my MySpace name to Martha Dumptruck. i have to say that i laughed and laughed this morning at work when i decided on it.

i love Walgreen's for my quick shopping needs, but for some reason i keep setting off the door alarms upon entrance and exit. i'm not sure why. it just started about a month ago, and i guess something on my person is causing it to look like i'm a perpetual shop lifter. of course, no one at any of the stores i've visited has said anything so they must not care about shoplifting.

the other day i was trying to get back into my office building after lunch. i need a security badge to open gates and doors, and mine was hanging off the collar of my shirt. this placement has the badge dangling right over my boob. my hands were full so i was mashing my chest up on the sensor pad when a guy walked by. i was just about to yell, 'what? my boobs have opened plenty of doors for me over my lifetime. why should this door be any different?!' but he had quickly turned away out of embarrassment, i suppose. i should have yelled it anyway.

i helped Gold Digger move this weekend, and it was pouring rain for most of Sunday. since it was warm, we didn't mind. playing in the rain is fun.

is anyone watching Heroes this season? it's creepy! it needs more Peter and shirtless Suresh, but otherwise i have no complaints so far.

compliments?

2008-10-07T08:38:00.003-05:00

i have received a couple of compliments here lately. i use the term compliments loosely as i'm not a hundred percent sure that they are actually flattering. but then again, i take pride in things most people wouldn't.

-received via text: "i luv you, dude. you're my girl." did he just call me a male and a female in the same message? do i give off a hermaphrodite vibe? i know most people call me Chris, but my huge boobs should tip everyone off on my gender.

- received via email- "you're a natural born smartass." hmmm. i guess that's better than being a natural born killer.

conversations of the day (or, proof that i have the emotional equivalence of a grade schooler)

2008-10-03T10:08:00.003-05:00

this is a text i sent early this morning:

me: i have two giant zits on my chin. i'm naming one [sister's husband] and the other [my ex.]

this next one kind of started last night when i added Sen. Obama to my friends list on MySpace. (that statement alone shows that i am super immature.) anyway so i mentioned this fact to my sister who decided to ask him to be her friend, also. then this morning:

Gold Digger: Obama is my friend now, too!

me: cool! i am sending him an "i *heart* Obama" glitter later today.

i spackled my crack.

2008-09-24T13:37:00.002-05:00

let's see. where do i begin?

- i was super excited about the Heroes premier, and it was pretty darn good, if i say so myself. today is the Criminal Minds premier, and i can't wait!

- i have a nerve issue in my wrists. i see a specialist next month. will keep you guys posted, but it's probably carpal tunnel syndrome or something similar. it's been a problem for a few years, but all the recent painting has reduced my hands to useless claws.

- what painting, you ask? let me tell you. i am helping to renovate a house. it's a lot of hard work, and i'm not used to manual labor! but really it's kind of fun. i enjoy doing it. but it's hurting my hands. other than that, it's not a problem. (that's what doctor's and prescription medications are for...) i plan on doing some drywall later this week. who knew i was so handy?! i will definitely have before and after pics here soon.

weekend

2008-09-17T13:30:00.003-05:00

so after the 11th, my birthday just got better and better. the maternal unit made me tacos on Friday which were fab. and then a handful of us went and got drunk. on Sat, a good friend of mine had made secret plans for me. i assumed it was dinner and then a movie or bar or something after. well i was right. but here's what i didn't know... i walked into one of my favorite Japanese restaurants, and the hostess pointed to a corner. to my surprise, Tangerine Dream and his GF, Teeny, were there. i was ready to go get my grub on, but my peeps told the hostess we were still waiting for people. well shoot! who else was invited? my sister showed up next with little Cornelius. but we weren't done yet. friends started showing up. yowza! i wasn't expecting all that. kinda wished i had bathed first. JK i always bathe.

after we ate, we went to a bar where giant insects attacked us on the patio. so we migrated to a club where we drank all night for free. can't beat that. so it was a fantastic time. thanks to all the planning and stuff. my friends rock!

my birthday

2008-09-11T22:27:00.002-05:00

was fabulous! last night at midnight, i started getting birthday wishes, and they kept a comin' all night and morning and throughout the day. for some reason, no matter how mean i am, people love me.

so i arrived at work to find a box of chocolate turtles and a nice birthday card. then we had a fabulous breakfast BBQ. later, i learned there was a surprise fajita and sammich pot luck in my honor complete with a chocolate cake. everyone sang. aw! after work, i digested some and then the paternal unit took me out to eat.

there were no more plans after that as it has been pouring rain all day long. Lubbsuck is normally a dust bowl. we're not equipped for this much rain. everything is crazy flooded. i figured it best to stay home tonight. the street in front of my house is now a river. and my ceiling has water damage. there is a bulbous growth protruding near my fan. nice.

overall, my birthday was perfect. it could have been a tad less rainy, but otherwise it was just as i had wanted. (if i had known my birthday wish for rain would be so abundantly granted, i would have asked for cash...)

thanks to everyone who made it such a great day!

how old am i?!

2008-09-10T21:41:00.005-05:00

i love posters. i have a gazillion band, art, sci fi, etc. but i can always use more. so i have six in my shopping cart right now, and i can't decide if i should spend my life savings and get them all or just a couple. so here they are. maybe you a-holes can give me some insight.

i have wanted this one for years. The Godfather is my fave movie, and i don't own a single poster to prove it. it's a reg size.

this next one is one that i'm eyeballing for work. it cracks me up, and Futurama is one of my fave TV shows.

next is a black light poster because i'm pretty sure i'm twelve. it will match the current black light NIN and kissing posters that i currently own.

this next one i am getting fo sho. it's a Dark Knight poster, and it's my new obsession.

this one is a giant poster because, trust me, bigger is better.

and finally, this one is also a giant one.

so what do you guys think? what should i do?!

senility

2008-09-10T13:03:00.002-05:00

so senility has officially kicked in. remember the recent post saying how rainy this week was and how i hoped for a soggy birthday? that just goes to prove the old adage that you should be careful what you wish for. it poured this morning. i didn't park in the garage. i left my sun roof open. you get the idea.

we're all doomed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-09T19:08:00.003-05:00

so i'm all hyped about my birthday. i'm ready to bring tacos back and get kicked out of bars. but it may not happen at all. the world could be over as we know it. i've been following the creation of the new particle collider all year because i'm a weird science nerd who can't help but wish everything was all Star Trekkie in real life. turns out it may be more Flash Gordony. once we create the black hole, that is. ol' Stephen Hawking says the chances of that cataclysmic event happening are minuscule, but so are the particles we're colliding and those exist. so there. in your face, Hawking! we're all going to die!!! or end up hanging with these douche bags:

i think i'd welcome death first.

rain, pain, weight gain, and disdain

2008-09-08T15:02:00.004-05:00

- i have been dieting and working out like a fiend. why? because my birthday week is chock full of food. the paternal unit is taking me out on Thursday to a buffet. and the maternal unit is making me tacos on Friday. i'm sure one or two people will make me dinner, and there are prob some more people who will take me out to dinner. don't even get me started on the birthday cake situation. i think people want me fat or in a food coma or both.

- i plan on getting shit faced on Thursday, Friday, and/or Saturday to commemorate my rapid aging. if you plan to go out with me, be prepared. it's been a while since i've really cut loose.

- it's been raining all day. i'm only happy when it rains. i hope it keeps it up so i can have a soggy birthday.

- everyone knows i'm an NIN fan, but even so it's been years since i've listened to The Downward Spiral CD. today i popped it in on the way to work, and i was pleasantly surprised by how it fit my recent angry mood. i guess i forgot how hateful an album it was.

- any avid readers out there? (i mean aside from this crap blog you're reading now.) i'm looking for some cool sea or ocean quotations. they don't have to be about the sea per se, but i would like them to have some type of sea imagery or something.

- my supervisor sent out an email asking if anyone who was attending school this semester could email him his/her school schedule. i replied asking if the school of hard knocks counted. seems it doesn't.

- i belong to a literature forum online, and someone had started a "Your Top 10 Classics Thread." i didn't put ten, but i did put a few as listed here:

"Macbeth"
"Hamlet"
"Death of a Salesman"
"Cyrano de Bergerac"
Paradise Lost
The Stranger
Midnight's Children

i didn't realize until someone commented that these are all depressing tragedies. my life sucks.