Friday, September 14, 2007

christine v. the U.S. Postal Service

(quick apologies for the lack of posts. my life is in a weird place, but i hope to get back on track soon.)

i think the U.S. Postal Service is trying to kill me. no, i'm not delusional, paranoid, or experiencing grandiose ideations. let me rewind and give you some background. a couple of weeks ago, i went to get my mail. i was standing there and opened up the first letter i grabbed when a giant monstrosity of a spider crawled out from between two of the envelopes i was holding. i never was afraid of spiders until my recent severe allergic reactions to spider bites. ever since, i'm terrified of anything that even barely looks spiderish. so i took all the mail i was holding and shoved it back into the mailbox, locked it up, and ran away screaming. i haven't bothered to look in there since. then i ordered some books off of Amazon. so i was checking it regularly for a package locker key, but i was not sticking my hand in there. if the key had been there, i'd have grabbed a (spider free) twig and wrangled it out, but since there was no key, i would just quickly lock the mailbox back up and leave.

after a while with no package key, i tracked my package, and it said that there was an attempt at delivery. that's a bold faced lie! so i decided to go up to the post office and retrieve my much needed package. i stopped by my mailbox thinking that i could grab the little slip of paper they leave you that notifies you of a missed delivery. i peered into my box, and all that mail i had been neglecting was gone. (so was the spider, thank God.) they stole my mail! so i went up to the post office sans package notifying slip and talked to a nice guy who gave me my package but could not locate my mail. he did, however, give me the supervisor's name and number.

so i called. she was a crusty old lady who informed me that my mail was returned to sender. son of a bitch! apparently, the mailman sent it back because i didn't pick it up in a timely manner. i told the old bat that it was no one's business how often i pick up my mail. then i called her employee a lazy douche who never even attempts to deliver a package because we have package mailboxes specifically designed for (gasp!) packages and yet my package was at the post office.

so i got to thinking. how exactly did the spider get into my locked box? did it have a key? i don't think so. did it evolve out of a stamp? hardly. it was planted! i know it. then after i picked up the much anticipated package from the post office, i noticed a weird rash on my hand. see? they're trying to kill me. what's my life coming to when i need a hazmat uniform just to pick up my mail...


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