things i like (part I)
some of my readers have commented that my blog seems to lean a little towards the negative side so i have decided to include an entry about things i like. i'm sure i'll think of more things later on so this post is volume I. in no particular order, here is my list. (drum roll, please.)
1. my iPod- this tiny rectangular holder of pure perfection makes my life bearable. with those trademark white earbuds forever in my ears, i can successfully ignore all of the useless drivel that escapes most peoples' mouths.
2. neon red hair- i'm not sure why neon red hair makes me happy, but it does. not to mention, i look damn good in red.
3. manners- listen here you mannerless degenerates. if you can't open the door for a woman, give up your seat to your elder, or thank the person doing the menial tasks you think you're too good for, you deserve the lonely existence that is your life. no wonder you're sitting there reading someone else's anonymous thoughts instead of sharing yours with someone real.
4. my blog- my blog rocks! of course, i don't have to tell you. you're reading it.
1. my iPod- this tiny rectangular holder of pure perfection makes my life bearable. with those trademark white earbuds forever in my ears, i can successfully ignore all of the useless drivel that escapes most peoples' mouths.
2. neon red hair- i'm not sure why neon red hair makes me happy, but it does. not to mention, i look damn good in red.
3. manners- listen here you mannerless degenerates. if you can't open the door for a woman, give up your seat to your elder, or thank the person doing the menial tasks you think you're too good for, you deserve the lonely existence that is your life. no wonder you're sitting there reading someone else's anonymous thoughts instead of sharing yours with someone real.
4. my blog- my blog rocks! of course, i don't have to tell you. you're reading it.
posted by christine on Saturday, November 05, 2005
2 Comments:
A Texas Chili Contest
>
>
> Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out
loud, then
> there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
>
> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
attention to the
> first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even
better. For those
> of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually
> have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes up a
> major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.
The notes are
> from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from
> Springfield, IL.
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to
> the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
the other
> two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and,
> besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I
> accepted."
>
> Here are the scorecards from the event: Frank is Judge #3)
>
>
> Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh!t! What the hell is this stuff?!
You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
out the
> flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>
> Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to
> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw
> the look on my face.
>
>
> Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
beans.
>
> Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of
peppers.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like
> I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more
> beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in
> the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t- faced from all of
the beer...
>
>
> Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish, or
> other mild foods; not much of a chili.
>
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,! but
was unable to
> taste it.. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was
> standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is
starting to
> look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
> aphrodisiac?
>
>
> Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead, and I
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring
> beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off.
> It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
> Screw those rednecks.
>
>
> Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of
> spices and peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic.
> Superb.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,
> sulphuric flames. I sh!t on myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will
> eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that
> Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.
>
>
> Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I
am worried
> about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he
is cursing
> uncontrollably.
>
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. ! I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which
> slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
match my
> shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've
> decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any
> oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole
> in my stomach.
>
>
> Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.
Not too bold,
> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild, nor
> hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3
farted, passed
> out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure
> if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
reacted to
> really hot chili?
Thomas- there's a club?!?!? i'll join tentatively, but i'll probably hate everyone there so don't expect me to stay long.
RoketZcientist- get your drunk ass off my blog!
Smartie Pants- there is no reason for RoketZcientist to be posting such ridiculous stories under my 'things i like' post. however, it was pretty darn funny so it was technically something i liked. and perhaps you're not on that list because you're hostile. ♥
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