random news

apparently pirates attacked a cruise ship over the weekend. wtf?!?! we still have pirates? i wonder if they had peg legs and eyepatches. i hope they at least had parrots perched atop their shoulders. no pirate can be taken seriously without one.

Dubya is sending his peeps to an ethics class. i think this activity is equivalent to being ordered to sit in the corner for bad behavior. i'm positive enduring a Power Point presentation on 'how not to conduct yourself amidst the media circus' will be a life altering experience for the administration.

a woman was ordered to pay $46,200 to her ex-boyfriend as a compensation for the physical and emotional trauma he experienced when she super glued his genitals to his stomach. it seems she left him when he began cheating on her. he couldn't resist going to her house, however, when she offered him a little sumptin' sumptin' and then awoke to find himself in a bit of a conundrum. i have no comment on this matter. except that the dumb, dumb bastard deserved it for actually believing that his jilted lover couldn't keep her hands off of him.

some anonymous benefactor donated $100 million to The Yale School of Music. thanks to this rich nobody, advanced music education at the Ivy League will be free. yes, that's right- free. help the homeless Katrina victims? feed an underprivileged child? provide free education to a third world country? of course not! those endeavors are frivolous and trite. let's aid people who will spend the rest of their lives in the unemployment line or singing folk songs at your local coffee house.