Dear Ass,

i'm sorry you're bruised, black, and mighty sore. it's really not my fault. i did my best to stay upright at the "Roller Rink Massacre," but Bitter Half didn't and he took me down with him, that bastard. good thing you had your winter coat on, or i might have broken my pelvis or worse. i can't avoid sitting on you today either because i'm stuck at work. i'm pretty sure using a sick day due to a sore ass is unacceptable and would probably have raised a few eyebrows as well. hope you get better soon because you're making me walk like a geezer.

christine