Thursday, January 03, 2008

reality blogging

it's kinda sorta like reality TV but in blog form. i'm going to be blogging live tonight and in real time. it's the big day for Cornelius Consuelo to be born. i've had the pleasure of having many nieces and nephews, each of who i love very much and in their own unique way, but this time is the first time i will actually be in the room for the birth. since i'm the designated 'support person,' i am taking my job seriously. that means kicking chipper nurses in the teeth or threatening annoying visitors until they leave. some people might call me aggressive, but my sister calls it enthusiastic. so here we go... (by the way, the process of labor is not that fast so don't check back every minute for an update. i will post regularly, though.)

9:20 pm- G.D. just got strapped in. and i literally mean strapped. she's hooked up to all kinds of monitors. when my sister told her she had every intent to remove some of the monitors later on when they became uncomfortable, the overly nice nurse tried to explain each one's important purpose. i quickly told the nurse that this baby is G.D.'s sixth so lay off the explanations. just doing my job, i say.

9:30 pm- G.D. asked what one of the nurse's name was, and i said, "Glenda like the witch." the nurse heard me. honestly, i didn't try to whisper it.

10:20 pm- we're watching the Dallas Cowboy cheerleader tryouts reality show marathon on CMT. in other words, nothing is happening on the labor front.

11:50 pm- still nothing is happening. i'm starving, and the damn cafeteria's closed. apparently there's some vending machines in the basement, but i need real food. i keep seeing commercials for all kinds of delicious looking food which are just taunting me. i wish i had a man slave to bring me some pizza or something.

3:00 am- still no baby. little Cornelius Consuelo just loves it in the womb. we can't sleep either. the nurse keeps having to come in to adjust all the damn sensors that my sister is having to wear. all i brought were granola bars, and i've eaten like fifty. i feel like a gerbil or something. i thought asking the hospital personnel where the hot doctors were cause all i see are ugly nurses, but they barely let me in. ever since Lubbsuck made national news for practically giving babies away to strange people, they check IDs, and i don't have mine. so i figure i'd better not press my luck.

7:25 am- no change on the baby front. but we got a new nurse at shift change, and her name is Tabitha. G.D. pointed out that Tabitha is also a witch's name. something ain't right at this hospital.

8:15 am- a crazy nurse just came in to adjust these damn monitors and was super grouchy. she yelled when my sister told her to hold on so she could send an email. the lady snapped, "don't you care about your baby?!?!' after harassing us for a while longer, she stormed out throwing stuff and yelling about getting one of the witch nurses. i made sure to ask my sister loudly what that nurse's problem was. hopefully Nazi nurse won't come back. anyhow, if nothing changes by ten, they're sending G.D. home. no sense in hanging around here if the baby refuses to cooperate.

1:30 pm- baby not here. going home. exhausted.


Blogger Michael said...

Hope you didn't forget a bottle of whiskey or brandy... something with some kick.

Reduces the pain and stress of labor for all involved, you, the baby, you, G.D., you...

1/03/2008 09:49:00 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

back to top (you lazy bastard)