not a morning person

i hate chipper people. you know who i'm talking about. those Ned Flanders-esque a-holes that make you want to put a bullet through your head. i fully support segregation if it involves corralling those asswipes and sending them to a foreign country.

what i've been doing

since my desktop's been on the fritz, i haven't been posting, but here's a quick run down of what i've been doing.

-my brute strength broke my apartment key in my lock. it's official. i'm superhuman.

-i've been watching so many movies on my new TV that my eyeballs are in danger of meltdown. in case they do, does anyone have an herbal remedy for the catastrophe? or better yet, a non herbal remedy? i like drugs.

-my spider bites are finally in the final stages of healing finality. yay!

-i tried the Baconator, and it was very bacony. next time i'm going to order it with extra bacon.

complete waste of skin

that's what i am at this point! without my desktop computer, i'm not even a drain on society. i'm pretty much just a lump. i haven't mentioned this info on my blog yet, but i got a brand spankin' new HD TV. it's been keeping me company for the past couple of weeks. i will post pics as soon as i get my new entertainment center and surround sound hooked up. it's a work in progress.

i'm blind!!!

oh, wait a minute. it's just my monitor that's not working. it's black like my cold, abysmal soul. i dissected the tower to clean it out hoping it was just an overheating issue, and i found enough dust bunnies to stuff a teddy bear. after blowing them all into bunny heaven, i put the computer back together and still nothing on the monitor. crap.

craptastic mood

i have been in a craptastic mood. today started out fine and then quickly disintegrated into a foul, four-letter word filled mess. normally when i'm in this "two seconds away from shooting deadly laser beams out of my eyes" mood, i call my good friend Adam and go get blitzed. but he freakin' died in March, remember? i have plenty of other liquid refreshment inclined friends, but i don't really like them. they're douches. i thought of going to get something obnoxious pierced so as to piss off society, but what should it be? maybe i'll do my lip. or my nipples. no, that's no good. contrary to what some people might think, i don't flash my boobies across town so no one will get to see the new me except for Bitter Half. my nose would be good. everyone hates a nose ring. i'll prob just end up going home and going to bed. maybe i'll dream about John Cusack since i went and saw 1408 last night. that'll make my mood better fo sho.

lip gloss love affair

those closest to me know that i have a severely unhealthy affinity for lip gloss. i buy tubes of it and pay exorbitant amounts for it, too. a good lip gloss can seriously make my, otherwise pathetic, life tolerable. (ironically, that statement just made my life that much more pathetic...) with that being said, i'm so glad someone has devoted a song to my all time favorite product! with lyrics such as "my lip gloss be cool, my lip gloss be poppin'" and "the boys really like it, the girls don't speak, they rollin' they eyes, they lip lip gloss cheap," it should be my anthem! there's even a video...

damn it all to hell

if i hadn't been such a crippled gimp with my spider bite and had actually been going to the gym like i usually do, i would have succumbed to this ad within seconds. with a name like Baconator, you really can't go wrong.

ketchup

-i'm on the next book on my summer reading list. i ordered the group of books from Amazon, and for some reason, one of the books i ordered is the large print edition. i must have bought it by accident or because it was cheaper or something. apparently "large" means "so humongous you'd be embarrassed to read this book in public for fear that everyone will think you're mentally challenged." it has about six words per page.

-my spider bites are getting better finally. for anyone who cares, they blistered up into huge welts and then turned black. i know that sounds bad, but trust me. they're getting better. i should have documented it in photographs, but i didn't really think it was a memory i'd cherish. i'll probably wish i had taken pictures. i regret not taking pictures of my foot when i broke my toes in Vegas. my foot was entirely black at the time. actually, i might have taken a picture. i was probably too drunk at the time for my memory to be accurate.

-i hate my hair. i don't know what color to dye it or what length to wear it. it's a conundrum.

-it's about time for my weasels to get their annual shots. they look so cute when they're running around on the examination table, and then they make loud noises when they get stuck with the needles. Simon remembers the vet's office. he hates it when we take him in there.

-i had to go get new license plates since one of mine was stolen. when i paid with plastic, the lady charged me a six percent convenience fee. it wasn't very convenient in my opinion and told the lady as much. then my sister and i pretended we were lesbian lovers and mentioned artificial insemination to explain her pregnancy. the clerk was gossiping about us before we'd even left the office, i'm sure.

you have got to be kidding me.

check out this ad i saw on AOL. is anyone actually falling for this crap?

i hate being sick!

i'm having severe allergic reactions to all kinds of things. prob still that damn spider bite. now something else. i'm afraid to go to the doctor because i'm afraid he wants to put me in the hospital, and quite frankly, i don't want to go. either way, i'm miserable. i spent my holiday watching Law and Order marathons, wishing i was dead, and listening to people illegally popping fireworks at my apartment complex. i'm afraid to go outside because i might react to something else. i'm not a recluse, though. i'm at work right now. needless to say, that's why i'm not posting. i'm barely even replying to emails and text messages, and those are my favorite things to do which should show you how crummy i feel. i think i'm days away from having to live in a plastic bubble...