Friday, October 31, 2008

ah, the weekend of weekends.

so it's going to be a doozy. first of all it's Halloween which means extra murder and mayhem. i prob won't dress up this year just because i procrastinated on my costume until i ran out of time. Halloween also means it's the Paternal Unit's birthday. so i get to do the family thing and bake the best cake ever. but that's not all. tomorrow is the beginning of NaNoWriMo so i will be writing nonstop all month. and last, but definitely not least, is the Tech v. UT game. yowza! talk about a party full of tailgating, drinking, and (hopefully) celebrating. for you lucky sons of bitches who don't live in this shit town, catch the game on ESPN. all of these events are chances for me or my peeps to end up in the clink so i hope we steer clear of the popo. hope everyone has a great weekend as well. catch you on the flipside!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

my electric blanket got fresh with me.

i have wanted an electric blanket for freakin' ever, and i finally went and bought one. i'm always cold, and i apparently don't generate enough of my own body heat to keep my temperature regulated. man, i have been enjoying the hell out of it. i don't want to do anything anymore but curl up under it. i am tempted to skip the gym every day just so i can meet up with my electric blanket that much sooner. anyway, the other night it got fresh with me. every time i woke up, it was all up in my bid-ness. i'm not sure what's going on, but i'm pretty sure this blanket is wanting to take care of more than just my temperature needs. so, ladies, everyone rush out and buy one asap. you won't regret it.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

pay the rent!

maybe since it's my post title, i will remember to do it this month and avoid last month's fiasco. what fiasco? let me tell you. last month, i kept putting off paying it. i was busy and lazy and never mailed it. my landlady lives in town so sometimes i just drop it off in her mailbox. well it was already the 6th, and i had not done so. i figured i would do it on the next day. this was about ten at night. i was drinking Kennys. sometime later i decided to look at my lease agreement which states that any rent paid after the 6th day is late and accrues a fee. well crap. by then i was pretty lit, and it was like one in the morning. i got in the car and off i went across town. i got to her street, but all the houses looked the same. so i was milling around, in the dark, trying to remember what her house looked like without raising suspicions from anyone. i finally stuffed the envelope in the one i was pretty sure was hers and crossed my fingers. she never said she did not get it so my drunken self was successful. i hope i don't have to do that again.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

what's worse than Christine in the morning?

ans: Christine in the morning when it's below freezing.

this morning is the first freeze here in Lubbsuck. i hate it. i want to hibernate. as i walk in to work, there is a nice little congregation of supervisors. mine says, 'how're you, Christine?' in his usual, chipper tone. my reply? "i hate the cold." it doesn't exactly answer the question directly, but i think it gives a good idea as to what the answer may have been.

so i keep walking (towards the coffee pot, obviously) when another supervisor asks me a question about the last minute work he had approved the night before. of course, my response was a bitter, hateful one. he proceeds to tell me thank you. i ignore him completely and just mutter profanities under my breath instead. why should i say, 'you're welcome' when i don't mean it? i say we should all be more honest. it is the best policy, you know.

everyone knows i'm doing the Biggest Loser challenge here at work which could explain all the ugly looks when i get caught sneaking in bags of hamburgers and burritos. i'm wondering the best way to bring in donuts later...

so i'm having a garage sale this weekend. i'm simplifying my life. everything's going but the TV, the computers, the books, the microwave, and the weasel. all else is just more to dust and less room for Simon to run around. whatever doesn't sell on Saturday is getting donated via Freecycle or something.

i'm feeling the urge for a change in my life. last time i felt this way, i went to school and got my degree. i don't know what i'm going to do this time. my bitter mood right now is not the best time to make a decision regarding my future.

i do want to buy myself a nice Christmas present. i am trying to decide between a Wii or a Blu Ray player. a Wii would prob encourage my loser friends to hang out at my place more so that's a negative. a Blu Ray might, but it's less likely. well i still have some time to decide. good deals on sales might influence my decision, too.

Monday, October 20, 2008

dumb, dumb bastard

who? me! for several reasons.

-Saturday night i was in a good mood. (good mood does not equal drunk, you alcoholics!) so i was in a hurry to pick up my peep and go shopping before Target closed. as i picked him up, he handed me a beer which i quickly opened. (i digress here to reminisce about the good ol' days when Texas did not have open container laws. you could booze it up all day long in your car. sigh.) so as i hurtled down the street at like sixty miles an hour in a forty five, there was a cop that i saw and that my peep quickly pointed out. did i slow down? nope. so then some other peep texted me. with my beer in one hand and my cell in the other, i started driving with my knee. i swerved in and out of the lane next to mine which just happened to be the one the cop was in. he didn't care. he was prob drinking and driving, too. and texting. and eating a donut.

-i am passing out from lack of junk food. i have sworn it off for two weeks to help jump start my progress in the Biggest Loser at work. well it's a late start seeing as how all last week i binged on cake and sausage. i also ditched the gym. i don't want to weigh in tomorrow seeing as how i probably gained fifty pounds. i don't want to explain my complete lack of enthusiasm to my gung-ho boss.

-i'm thinking of buying a neon "LIVE NUDES" sign and planting it on someone's patio. a very conservative someone. serves him right for being a douche.

-i spend way too much time laughing by myself in my Dilbert cubicle. i'm pretty sure my co-workers question my sanity. fortunately, most of them are too scared to confront me.

-my neuroscience specialist doctor has some foreign name. it does sound very similar to So Do Me. i'm going to call him that until he says something.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

wastes of time

i have seen some good vids here lately and thought i would share the joy. this first one is such a great work of art! i love it.

this one makes me think of Tangerine Dream because he's a douche.

this one is for all of you with dirty minds.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

conversation of the day

this convo took place between me and Gold Digger. in case you're not aware, Gold Digger is my sister. she got a very detailed health screening at work.

Gold Digger: i got my health report. says i'm a man.

me: nice.

G.D.: i question its credibility now. says i need testicular self exams. maybe that just means i have balls.

me: perhaps.

G.D.: it has it in there twice?!

me: well i'm assuming you have two of them.

G.D.: i asked the ladies at the office if theirs said that, and they said no. weird.

and later that night when i reminded "her" to perform the self exam, i just got a big FU. see if i try to help him anymore.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

i love bush!!!

did i just turn lez? i meant the band. what the hell happened to Gavin and Gwen? they used to be pretty cool back in the day. now they are crap. why the rant? i'm blaring some old school Bush in my work cubicle.

we are doing a Biggest Loser challenge at work. it's two months long, and the winning team gets a prize. i plan to try to lose fifteen pounds. so for the next few weeks, i will be miserably cranky, tired, sore, and hateful. well, i guess i always am, but i have an excuse this time.

i'm changing my MySpace name to Martha Dumptruck. i have to say that i laughed and laughed this morning at work when i decided on it.

i love Walgreen's for my quick shopping needs, but for some reason i keep setting off the door alarms upon entrance and exit. i'm not sure why. it just started about a month ago, and i guess something on my person is causing it to look like i'm a perpetual shop lifter. of course, no one at any of the stores i've visited has said anything so they must not care about shoplifting.

the other day i was trying to get back into my office building after lunch. i need a security badge to open gates and doors, and mine was hanging off the collar of my shirt. this placement has the badge dangling right over my boob. my hands were full so i was mashing my chest up on the sensor pad when a guy walked by. i was just about to yell, 'what? my boobs have opened plenty of doors for me over my lifetime. why should this door be any different?!' but he had quickly turned away out of embarrassment, i suppose. i should have yelled it anyway.

i helped Gold Digger move this weekend, and it was pouring rain for most of Sunday. since it was warm, we didn't mind. playing in the rain is fun.

is anyone watching Heroes this season? it's creepy! it needs more Peter and shirtless Suresh, but otherwise i have no complaints so far.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008


i have received a couple of compliments here lately. i use the term compliments loosely as i'm not a hundred percent sure that they are actually flattering. but then again, i take pride in things most people wouldn't.

-received via text: "i luv you, dude. you're my girl." did he just call me a male and a female in the same message? do i give off a hermaphrodite vibe? i know most people call me Chris, but my huge boobs should tip everyone off on my gender.

- received via email- "you're a natural born smartass." hmmm. i guess that's better than being a natural born killer.

Friday, October 03, 2008

conversations of the day (or, proof that i have the emotional equivalence of a grade schooler)

this is a text i sent early this morning:

me: i have two giant zits on my chin. i'm naming one [sister's husband] and the other [my ex.]

this next one kind of started last night when i added Sen. Obama to my friends list on MySpace. (that statement alone shows that i am super immature.) anyway so i mentioned this fact to my sister who decided to ask him to be her friend, also. then this morning:

Gold Digger: Obama is my friend now, too!

me: cool! i am sending him an "i *heart* Obama" glitter later today.
back to top (you lazy bastard)