Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Christmas, New Year's, and all that crap

i didn't realize it had been so long since i last posted. i had a merry Christmas full of presents and fun. perhaps i will post pics as soon as Gold Digger has the time to send me some. i am on vacation and was a little sick for the first part of it, but no matter. i took that as a sign to sloth about and watch TV.

i'm not sure what i want to do for New Year's Eve. normally, i'm all about the party, and i almost went out of town to visit some peeps. but now i'm kind of thinking a quiet, introspective evening would be more appealing. i hardly need a two day hangover. of course, as the time draws nigh, i could crumble and start downing shots like Simon eats cereal.

i'm giving The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People a re-read. if you've never read it, i highly recommend it. if you've read it, you're probably back to your old stagnant self and need to re-read it, too. and i have a Yahoo group going for participants. if you're interested, let me know.

sometimes when i have a cold, i get a little asthmatic. i use that as an excuse to up the caffeine for medical reasons. it's 9PM, and i'm craving a Rockstar? no problem. i need to dilate those bronchial tubes anyway. i've had sixteen cups of coffee by noon? no problem! it's all in the name of health. i've always looked at the positive sides of things.

for Christmas my sister got me The Hour I First Believed by Wally Lamb, my favorite contemporary author. i have used ever fiber of my will power to not start it as i will not eat, sleep, or move once i am involved. it's calling me. like Snoopy's cookies call him.

i will be posting my New Year's resolutions soon, as usual. so everyone can mock me and ridicule me when they fizzle out by noon on the 1st. i hope everyone has a happy, safe holiday.

Monday, December 22, 2008

my weekend

i got just about all my Christmas shopping done. i love buying toys. i am the person who tries them out in the store to make sure they're fun and then could fill up baskets with stuff. but i do use a budget to prevent that last part. i am actually tempted to keep some of the items for myself, and me and my peeps almost had to open one of the toys as we "needed" it on Saturday night to help with our conundrum. (more on that later.)

at Target i was gone scratching my ass. i looked over to see a man and his family with a horrified look on his face, and i laughed. i told my shopping buddy that i should not be allowed out in public. the sad thing is that i don't get embarrassed. i feel no shame. i just think it's funny.

i made the best cheesy bratwurst stew. of course, it has 6.5 billion calories per serving, but it was well worth it.

so Saturday, i decided to have that Dark Knight screening. i had a friend come hook up my equipment since i was busy decorating for Christmas. (my house now looks like Christmas threw up all over it.) we tested out the Blu-Ray player and all was fine. a few peeps came over that night, and we got all nestled in to watch the best movie of the year. about thirty seconds into it, we heard a loud pop and the screen went dark. my fucking projection lamp went out! we couldn't believe that it picked that time to do it. of course, no one in Lubbsuck has any in stock so i am without my TV for eternity and my peeps could not watch The Dark Knight. what a crock! so we almost dove into the gifts to get the much needed item to create a diversion so we could swipe a lamp from a floor model at Suck-it City. but we ended up chatting instead.

i hope everyone else had a great weekend, too. i'm in an exceptionally good mood as i start my vacation later this week. i foresee lots of reading, drinking, traveling, and good times in my near future.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

simple life

the highlight of my day yesterday was when i was able to spell vagina in my Scrabble game.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

crusty mood

my crusty mood continues. i had my work Christmas party on Sunday. they are usually pretty fun with great prizes. i decided to take my sister since she never gets to do anything cool. we met up with some co-workers before hand to get tanked first. at the party, i introduced my sister as my lesbian lover. don't forget i live in the Bible Belt. i'm sure people were offended. but i also don't give a shit what other people think. people who know me know i was just kidding as i'm always parading my sister and her perfect kids around my office. when i told my supervisor, he had this look on his face as which said he wasn't sure if i was serious or joking. guess there's no telling with me. i cleared it up for him and let him off the hook. i'm no lesbian. although, i'm pretty sure my life would be easier if i was.

i am super emotional lately. not sure if it's the holidays or what, but i started crying today at work after getting an email from a friend. it wasn't a bad email. in fact, it said great things about me including how i have inspired him to be a better person, how i'm beautiful, and how i'm smart and funny. but i guess it was just so overwhelming. oddly, when people are mean to me, it doesn't make me cry. i just flip the bird and go about talking to my mini frog or something.

gas is so freakin' cheap that i filled up my tank for under twenty bucks. and that was because i was literally coasting in on fumes. i think i am just going to spend my evenings driving around town and listening to music because, for once, i can afford it.

i asked the employee at Jason's Deli if the pot pie crust was made out of gold. it was twenty dollars for me and a friend to eat lunch. it's cheaper to buy gas now. even though it's costing me my life savings to eat there, i am obsessed. anyway, their soft serve machine has been broken for my last four visits so i wrote the company an email talking about how i die a little inside each time that i walk away with an empty cone in my hand. i haven't heard a reply yet.

not thirty minutes ago, during my yearly work evaluation, i told my sup i would work on being less blunt with co-workers. and yet i just asked a dude if he was done talking to me with his pointless banter because i had stopped listening to him a long time ago. old habits die hard.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

pointless rants

- i was in a foul mood yesterday. and a bill collecting agency called about a hospital bill from the emergency visit earlier this year. (i'm great about paying my bills, but if there is not an online payment option, i will put it off until they call.) anyway, i proceeded to take out my day's frustration on her and the sup she put on. i'm thinking she put the sup on because i was hostile. but really, the rep was a nosey bitch. i told her i didn't have my credit card with me so she gasped and replied, 'you don't carry it with you?!' what business is that of hers? when she wanted me to call her back on my lunch today, i told her that i didn't know if i was taking a lunch. again, she gasped, 'your job doesn't give you lunches?' i yelled at her that i didn't say that and for her to mind her own damn business. anyway, i yelled a bunch of other stuff because she was an idiot and because i was already in a crusty mood. by the time she put her sup on i told them both i was "over it" and "is there a point to this lingering conversation?" suffice it to say, i spread around my crappy attitude yesterday.

- so my office is pitted against our other offices in this Biggest Loser competition. yesterday, a giant bowl of candy appeared in the lobby. as i was pilfering through it, my boss yelled from her office about someone trying to sabotage us. i yelled back that i was falling for it. then i mumbled about my weak will power. when i left the office last night, the bowl was near empty so i decided to stock up. that's when i noticed my favorite candy, the Twix. i hadn't noticed it before which is probably a good thing or the supervisors would have seen a display of gluttony like they've never seen before. so i filled my pockets with all the remaining Twix and am currently stuffing my mouth with all of them at once. attractive!

- my new Blu-ray player arrived this week. as did my copy of The Dark Knight. i will have a screening at my house this weekend or next. everyone's invited. it's byob.

- i took my friend to the Holiday Pops concert this past Saturday for his birthday. it made me miss playing in an orchestra i'm considering taking lessons to brush up. there's something about playing that is very soothing. and, looking at most of my posts, i need a lot of soothing.

- last Thursday i was in a super crusty mood. i got up from my desk and went to get coffee. some jerk-off left a teaspoon of coffee in the pot and did not make more. how lazy can you be? the pot is hooked up to the water line and the pouches of coffee are pre-measured and sealed in a filter. all you do is push a damn button. so i make more and wait in the hall for it to brew. i guess my hatred for humanity was written on my face because my sup warily approached me and asked what was wrong. i proceeded to rant about the coffee when another sup just happened to be walking by. i yelled, 'was it you?!' poor dude. wrong place, wrong time. he assured me that it wasn't him. so the first sup opens his cup to show me that he doesn't even drink coffee only tea. that sets me off again. i ask him what's wrong with him and say that i don't trust those who don't drink coffee. anyway, everyone left me alone the rest of the day and Friday. i'm guessing word spread that i wasn't feeling chatty.

- so far at work today i have been called baby, witch hazel, and drumstick. i'm beginning to wonder if anyone even knows my name.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008


i love to order stuff online. not only is the actual receiving of the package fun, but tracking it online as it meanders across these great United States is, too! in fact, i think i might order things just to track them. i currently have a Sony Blu-Ray player making it's way to my house as i blog. and The Dark Knight, my newest favorite movie, is somewhere up north working its way down. i have other things, too. man, i never have to leave the house! good thing, too, because it's snowing today. i love snow, but i am not a warm blooded creature. i am going to have to get all technical and figure out how to hook my electric blanket up to a portable generator so that i can sustain a decent body temperature while i shop this weekend in brick and mortar stores. my plan so far is to get all of my shopping done in one fell swoop. that way i can hole up in my house and spend my days curled up in front of the fireplace with my weasel.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

my true talent

has always been my bluntness. i do, however, make exceptions out of respect for my elders, to keep my job, and sometimes out of pity. but no more. those days are done. from now on, i will just allow any thought to come spewing out of my mouth. why? because people aren't worth it. if poor schmucks are dying thanks to mobs of shoppers, teenagers are being chained against their wills, and Kim Kardassssssian's desire to wear clothes is a headline, then why the hell do i care what you assholes think?

so today, upon return to work from a stomach flu, i offered someone details about my illness. i don't think someone has changed their mind so fast about talking to me in their life! the other day i told a customer that a store will not replace her toaster forever when it keeps breaking thanks to something called an expired warranty and the same goes for the products that my company sells. what a liberating conversation that was! and i have been helping my sister talk to her relatives and friends because i don't mind helping others with bluntness either. i can dish it and then you can pass it along.

so there. i'm done with any iota of censoring. i hope shoppers are ready for me when i hit the stores this weekend.
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