Wednesday, November 30, 2005

a plague o' both your houses!

both my sister's and my mother's houses are full of germ riddled children. i'm pretty sure all of these microbes congealed into one giant mutant organism and caught a ride back to my place. damn those spiteful germs and their unwarranted, er, germ warfare! i'm stocked up with Cold-eeze, vitamin C, Nyquil, and Pepto. they may have won this battle, but i will win the war!!!

well i'm checking my blog stats, and i have an unusually low number of hits today. wtf? so methinks to myself that perhaps the low audience is a direct result of my lack of posting yesterday. i decide to post a comment or two, and i realize that the last time i posted was on the 26th. again, wtf? i check the date on my computer to make sure i haven't misplaced my marbles, and sure enough today is the 30th. i seem to have lost a huge chunk of my life. what did i do yesterday and the days preceding it? i can't remember. i can only assume that aliens abducted me and performed weird experiments on my body. i am, after all, the perfect human specimen.

i have a week of classes left and then approximately a week of finals after that. i cannot wait until this nightmare of a semester is over. i plan on spending all my free time from then until the spring semester drunk, asleep, or a combination of the two.

Saturday, November 26, 2005


i have a sleep phobia- somniphobia. strangely, it comes and goes. i am currently in a phobic phase.

i harbor a secret urge to run in a marathon. apparently, attending Texas Tech on a daily basis is not enough torture for me.

i can play the bass and the violin, and the smell of bow rosin makes me want to strangle everyone who doesn't think Mozart was a superhero.

i love words. Emile M. Cioran said that 'we die in proportion to the words we fling around us.' i'll be dying in a whirlpool of profanity, sloths, and ridiculousness.

i will sometimes watch the same movie repeatedly for days on end. there is absolutely no rational explanation for this behavior.

if i was going to live on an island and could only take one item of clothing, i'd take a good pair of sunglasses. in fact, i refuse to leave my house without them.

in my opinion, Al Pacino's performance in The Godfather part II is the only example of perfect acting that i have ever had the pleasure of feasting my ojo-balls on.

i hate typewritten capital letters. they think they're so much better than their lowercase counterparts and sit smugly towering over them. i use them begrudgingly.

Friday, November 25, 2005

random news

scientists have discovered a 'singing' iceberg. unfortunately, icebergs don't get around much so it only sings disco tunes and church hymns.

Texas police have arrested the French 'Spiderman.' for those of you who don't know who that is, it's the man who scales tall buildings because he has nothing better to do with his time. as usual, however, the media has twisted the story into a blatant lie. according to reporters on the scene, le Spiderman was arrested for criminal trespassing and possession of narcotics. the truth is that they arrested him for being a pantywaisted Frenchman. here in Texas, we don't stand for that kind of atrocity.

China has been turned into a giant toxic playground. the Chinese government assures the world that the crisis was handled efficiently even though 3.8 million people were without water and those with access to water were spontaneously growing second heads. is anyone attempting to clean up the poisonous, glowing goop? the Chinese government says, 'no. it will be Russia's problem in two weeks. they only drink vodka so everything's A-ok.'

Thursday, November 24, 2005

happy Thanksgiving

well i thought i'd type up a list of things i'm grateful for this Thanksgiving. first and foremost, i'm grateful that my native American ancestors were foolish enough to try to help the white man acclimate to North America before they were brutally enslaved and stripped of their unique culture. it was all worth it for a yearly trough of sweet potatoes to call my own. secondly, i'm grateful that stores big and small will be selling two $10 camcorders to a crowd of fifty people who will have been waiting in line for twelve hours. the melee that ensues is worth the wait alone. i mean, who needs hockey when you have the violence that is consumerism? and finally (and seriously), i'm grateful for my family who is not a group of weak, meek, or half-witted blockheads who have no idea what the word family means. i can count on them for anything, and that support is something i will always cherish. happy Turkey Day!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


i've been avoiding my blog because i've been in a crummy mood. you're probably wondering how that's different from any other time, and on some level, you're right. however, i'm in an exceptionally crummy mood. i can't even find it in me to mock the daily headlines or call my fellow Texas Tech students derogatory names. sigh.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

now hiring

being christine is a lot of work. i think i need an assistant to help with the mundane things such as pointing and laughing at illiterates buying Cliffsnotes, sighing loudly when self righteous dolts use words out of context, and going on MickeyDs runs in search of needed Monopoly pieces. the job doesn't pay. but you'll be working for me, and, well, who can put a price on that? if you can tell the difference between sarcasm and satire, can quote at least one Seinfeld episode in its entirety, and don't own a copy of an Ashley Simpson CD, then i invite you to apply. here are some sample questions that will appear on the application in order to give you a feel for it. (go getters, feel free to respond to these in a post.)

1. weasels are to measles as orange is to _______

2. name 2 traits about yourself that give other people the creeps and yet make you the best candidate for the job.

3. was He-Man gay? please give a brief justification for your answer.

4. an elephant is walking across Africa at a lightening quick speed of 50 miles per hour. a cheetah is coming from the opposite direction at a pokey 10 miles per hour. if both start on opposite sides of the continent at 3AM, what will happen when the two meet somewhere in Elbonia?

5. if given the choice, would you rather have A) the ability to spot Waldo in the blink of an eye B) a third arm C) a purple people eater or D) this job. explain.

6. i recently learned that 8 out of every 10 people will, in their lifetime, go temporarily insane and run around their local Applebee's wearing only some strategically placed popsicle sticks and claiming to be the Dictator of Canada. do you expect to be one of the 8 or the 2?

7. did Doogie Houser just steal my car?

8. list 5 uses for Texas Tech's The Daily Toreador.

9. Soylent Green is people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. you're starving. there is no food in the fridge, your cell phone committed suicide, and the newest episode of The Real World is about to start. how do you handle this dilemma?

the fine print:
i am not an equal opportunity employer. i judge, stereotype, label, and play favorites. get over it.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

things you can buy me for Christmas

a digital camera- what this blog needs are more pictures of myself and my equally photogenic family. unfortunately, all my moolah is siphoned off to Tech before i even get to see it so i can't buy one myself.

a new iPod- my ridiculously humongous music collection does not fit on mine. i need a 30 gigger at least. plus, with the new video iPod you're going to buy me, i can download Thriller and freakishly watch it 80 times a day.

a laptop- often at school, a Texas Tech genius inspires me to write a post, and what better time to do it than when i'm actually sitting in class?

a mini frog- i had two- Monica and Chandler. Chandler bit it shortly after he came home from the pet store, and Monica is lonely.

a robot- i have way too much homework, regular work, and other tedious obligations. i need an intelligent slave to take my place so i can devote my life to more important things like chimichangas or Jeopardy.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

some thoughts

i just went to Wal-greens because they always have everything i need. i'm holding merchandise in one hand and scanning the back of a book (trying to fool myself into the fact that i actually have time to read one right now) when some chick walks into the store. she walks right by me, stops, and turns to ask me if i work there. not only am i clearly shopping, but i'm wearing a coat and holding a purse. normally, i'm pretty cordial with strangers, but i wasn't in the mood. i rolled my eyes and said no. she proceeded to wander down the aisle talking very loudly about how she needed help finding something. my guess was that she was too idiotic to distinguish between another customer and an actual employee so her loud comments were a feeble effort to cause an employee to offer assistance.

is anyone as excited about the movie Walk the Line as i am? i'm not a big Johnny Cash fan, but i absolutely love Joaquin Phoenix. i read how Roger Ebert has already screened the movie. he was positive Johnny Cash was singing the music, but it turns out Joaquin Phoenix did all the vocals! he's so talented.

i'm a huge ER fan, but now that hottie Noah Wylie is gone, i was worried i'd have to ditch the show. however, John Leguizamo has joined the cast as a long term guest star, and his character is a total smartass. (smartasses, unlike dumbasses, are awesome.) i'm going to keep watching.

Tess of the D'Urbervilles isn't as bad as i remember it. maybe i'm more bitter and hateful now than i used to be in high school, and the depressing nature of the novel suits me.

no wonder i hate people

without telling everyone my business, i just have to say that some people are a bunch of selfish and shortsighted weirdos that don't have any business living in a functioning society. with that being said, i also want to say that the people of which i speak (and anyone like them) are expressly forbidden from visiting my blog. if, by some freak of nature, they happen upon it, i'm not worried. not only will said people completely not 'get' my blog, but said people will surely be so offended and outraged by the contents herein that they will leave faster than i have a chance to yell, 'get off my blog, you brainless Neanderthal!'

Wednesday, November 16, 2005


once again the braniacs at Texas Tech amazed me with their intelligence and superior problem solving skills. let me explain. there are Citibuses that transport our lazy asses from parking lots to campus and from building to building on campus. there is, at least i thought, an understanding about how to get on and off the bus. it only makes sense, after all, that those people exiting the bus should exit first. then the people waiting to board, should board. am i the only one who sees the logic in this sequence? now, let me be fair. about 80% of Tech students also understand this concept. for the other 20%, i suppose i will need to dumb it down in order to help you see the light. let me use an analogy. my cooler of beer is running low. in fact, i only have one beer left inside, but thanks to my foresight, i have more in the trunk of my car. now i want that last frosty beer, but i decide to dump all these warm ones on top of it first. why? because i'm a dumb Tech student. now, i have to dig through all the disgustingly hot bottles to get to the one yummy one at the bottom. wouldn't it have been easier to get the cold one out first? if you still cannot see why people wanting off the bus should exit before more people cram in, you need to go stick your head in the oven. (and don't forget to turn it on...) because of the cold weather this morning, the buses were more crammed than usual. as i go to exit on my stop, about 20 Mensa members are clamoring to get on. each one sees that there is virtually no room and that about 20 of us are trying to exit, but they continue to squirm and struggle for space. i began to open my mouth and shout, 'can you fuckers wait outside and let us exit the fucking bus before you assholes try to get your fat asses to fit into spaces that don't fucking exist?!?!?!' for some reason, however, i just took a long swig of coffee and gave them the evil eye. as i walked to class, i wondered what made me bite my tongue. there is only a small probability i knew any of those morons, and if i did, i've probably been meaning to yell at them recently anyway. i'm chalking it up to the lack of sleep, the arctic weather, and the utter futility of it all.

Monday, November 14, 2005

the christine update

well as many of you know, i've been battling the bird flu or some other fashionable illness lately so my posts have been sparse and mainly news oriented. i'm feeling much better, however, so i've decided to post a news update on myself. happy reading!

1. i'm whitening my teeth. my goal is to get them to glow in the black light like in that Friends episode. i'll let you know if i'm successful in my endeavor.

2. i've registered for classes for next semester. among the courses i'm taking: Proper Hand Gestures in Public Places 1302, Deciphering Ancient Drivel 3305, The Art of Telling Tall Tales to Help the Texas Tech Student Pretend the American Education System Actually Works 3351, and How to Make a McRib When Your Useless B.A. Can't Get You a Job 3334.

3. I'm reading Tess of the D'Urbervilles for my Victorian Lit class. now, i was supposed to read this novel in high school, but i couldn't stand it so i bullshitted my way through an in class essay. this flagrant misuse of my superior mental skills left the gods angry. as punishment i have to read it in college.

4. i bought a really warm and beautiful winter coat and attributed spending 80 gazillion dollars on it to my online shopping addiction. unfortunately we're having a record heat wave here in good old Lubbock, TX. i'm blaming this weather on the people who created white chocolate Reese's because, when you mess with the delicate balance of perfection, bad things happen.

5. i'm on a cereal diet. i was going to start a one calorie a day diet so that i could eat an entire turkey, a pan of stuffing, and half a cheesecake come next Thursday. instead, i'm limiting myself to cereal only. don't ask me why.

well that's about it. i'll write again soon, i'm sure. i have three papers to write this week, and blogging is great way to avoid doing them. ta ta!

Saturday, November 12, 2005

a Festivus for the rest of us

Wal-mart has successfully ticked off the Catholic community. seems that not only is Christmas a pagan holiday, but the bitter employees who work for the company are discouraged from uttering the traditional 'merry Christmas' greeting. according to Wal-mart, 'happy holidays better encompasses the heathens and degenerates who regularly shop at our stores.' what i find surprising about all of this hullabaloo, however, is not that Wal-mart has yet again caused Sam Walton to flip in his grave but that the Catholic community has a problem with this turn of events. in past years when Wal-mart employees were mechanically spewing merry Christmases at customers who clawed and punched their way past their own grandmothers to grab the last Furby or ten dollar microwave, the Catholic community said nothing. turns out a commercialized Christmas is A ok. a commercialized holiday, however, is a reason to boycott.

Friday, November 11, 2005


it seems the person we have all come to know and love as the most intelligent person in the world has passed on to the other side. what began as a mere cold slowly progressed into something equivalent to an apocalyptic plague. from there the situation only became more dire. no amount of Nyquil (aka nectar of the gods) or curanderismo could rend her from the steely grip of the inevitable. perhaps only her mother's heavenly (and low fat!) chicken soup could have slowed the process, but alas, there was no time. so she shuffled off this mortal coil earlier today, and she will be greatly missed. the family asks that, in lieu of flowers, cash gifts be sent to her last earthly residence.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


i feel like poop.

Monday, November 07, 2005

random news

apparently pirates attacked a cruise ship over the weekend. wtf?!?! we still have pirates? i wonder if they had peg legs and eyepatches. i hope they at least had parrots perched atop their shoulders. no pirate can be taken seriously without one.

Dubya is sending his peeps to an ethics class. i think this activity is equivalent to being ordered to sit in the corner for bad behavior. i'm positive enduring a Power Point presentation on 'how not to conduct yourself amidst the media circus' will be a life altering experience for the administration.

a woman was ordered to pay $46,200 to her ex-boyfriend as a compensation for the physical and emotional trauma he experienced when she super glued his genitals to his stomach. it seems she left him when he began cheating on her. he couldn't resist going to her house, however, when she offered him a little sumptin' sumptin' and then awoke to find himself in a bit of a conundrum. i have no comment on this matter. except that the dumb, dumb bastard deserved it for actually believing that his jilted lover couldn't keep her hands off of him.

some anonymous benefactor donated $100 million to The Yale School of Music. thanks to this rich nobody, advanced music education at the Ivy League will be free. yes, that's right- free. help the homeless Katrina victims? feed an underprivileged child? provide free education to a third world country? of course not! those endeavors are frivolous and trite. let's aid people who will spend the rest of their lives in the unemployment line or singing folk songs at your local coffee house.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

i'm on strike.

do laundry? forget it. i'll suffer and go without chonies (that's Spanglish for underwear for you monolingual dunces) if i have to. prepare for this coming week's exams? get real. since my brain is the most powerful group of cells ever assembled, i don't need to fall into the category of studious. pay bills? 'you know, i've never really liked paying bills. i don't think i'm gonna do that, either.' go to the gym? are you kidding me? i might expend some of the calories i'm working really hard at accumulating with my box of Cheez-Its and and future Mickey Ds run. so i'll probably be blogging all day and intermittently watching TV. if you need to get in touch with me, please use smoke signals. (i'm embracing my Native American blood.)

Saturday, November 05, 2005

things i like (part I)

some of my readers have commented that my blog seems to lean a little towards the negative side so i have decided to include an entry about things i like. i'm sure i'll think of more things later on so this post is volume I. in no particular order, here is my list. (drum roll, please.)

1. my iPod- this tiny rectangular holder of pure perfection makes my life bearable. with those trademark white earbuds forever in my ears, i can successfully ignore all of the useless drivel that escapes most peoples' mouths.

2. neon red hair- i'm not sure why neon red hair makes me happy, but it does. not to mention, i look damn good in red.

3. manners- listen here you mannerless degenerates. if you can't open the door for a woman, give up your seat to your elder, or thank the person doing the menial tasks you think you're too good for, you deserve the lonely existence that is your life. no wonder you're sitting there reading someone else's anonymous thoughts instead of sharing yours with someone real.

4. my blog- my blog rocks! of course, i don't have to tell you. you're reading it.

Friday, November 04, 2005

so Sheryl Swoopes is a big ol' lesbo...

in case any of you haven't heard, Sheryl Swoopes has come out of the rainbow closet. as she is the pride and joy of Texas Tech, i think this announcement is one i should address. for those of you lucky bastards who have never been to Lubbock and don't know anything about this quaint little town, let me enlighten you. in Lubbock, you're a liberal if you have only one 'we support our troops' sticker on your car instead of the requisite six. with that being said, i have provided a nice link to the article containing her disclosure. if you're the lazy type which applies to my entire audience i'm sure, i have provided a synopsis of how the interview probably went since i was too busy eating a vat of Cocoa Krispies to actually read it:

Q: why are you opening up about your sexuality?
A: i'm getting a crew cut tomorrow, and i don't really want to be on Mr. Blackwell's list.

Q: were you born gay?
A: of course not. i turned gay during the course of my marriage like most women do.

Q: are you worried about how your hometown of Brownfield and your college town of Lubbock will feel about your announcement?
A: i have endorsments with Nike and GayVacay worth 60 gazillion

Q: does anyone really care about your homosexuality? i mean, i didn't even know who you were until by boss gave me this assignment. the real reporter was passed out in a pile of empty beer cans in his Dilbert cubicle and couldn't be revived.
A: i'm gay!!!!!

so there it is in a nutshell. i say more power to her. this world needs more macho female athletes if you ask me.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

i'm a robot.

here's how my day normally goes. i get up at the butt crack of dawn, perfrom basic hygiene rituals, do any homework or studying i didn't do the night before because i'm a procrastinator (see post entitled 3:30 AM), go to class, run errands, go to work, go to the gym, come home and procrastinate, go to bed around 3, and then get up at the butt crack of dawn to do it all over again. i'm pretty sure i'm not human. last night, however, i watched the new Law and Order then fell promptly asleep! it was only 10. i didn't know people could fall asleep at such a ridiculous hour, but apparently it's possible. then i actually slept in because i didn't have class. i got up at 9 and could have slept later, but i couldn't stand it anymore. i don't know if i'll be able to function at my usual super human capacity today. i need coffee.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

i miss my TV!!!

so i went to visit my brother a few weeks ago in Dallas (that's him with me in my profile pic, by the way,) and i learned two things. One, suffering severe bruises and possible broken ribs to see Trent Reznor up close and personal in concert is well worth the pain and trauma. Two, i do not watch near enough TV. i mean, i used to. there was a time when i knew every candidate of The Apprentice by name, could painstakingly describe the latest gruesome murder on CSI, and was pointing and laughing at the latest buffoon who was eating testicles on Fear Factor. what happened to me?! my brother mentioned shows i haven't even heard about! apparently there are approximately 12 CSIs and 20 Law and Orders now. not to mention some actual original shows that don't have anything to do with CSI or Law and Order. full time school, full time work, an all consuming marriage- these things are ruining my relationship with my TV! i'm pretty sure this is not the American way, and in this time of war, i think i should attempt to be as patriotic as possible. so i've decided to shirk all duties not pertaining to my television set from here on out. it's the only responsible thing to do, after all. i'll be starting right now so ...bye!

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