Tuesday, January 31, 2006

where could i be?

i know some of you check my blog religiously for updates, and i'm sure you must die a little inside each time you realize i haven't posted. where have i been? well, i forgot to take that left turn in Albuquerque so i've been wandering the arid New Mexican country aimlessly for about ten years. why, oh why, would i not heed Bugs Bunny's advice? he is one of the most intelligent beings on the planet, after all. it was a momentary lapse of sanity on my part. actually, i've been recuperating from too much drinky drink on Saturday night, finalizing the details of my precious, avoiding schoolwork like the plague, and plucking my Sasquatch eyebrows into submission. don't worry. i will update again soon.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

crispy critters

something is very wrong with my internal thermostat. my body doesn't generate heat like a normal person's. instead, i find myself shivering uncontrollably in temperatures that could mutate amoebas. when i rise and shine every morning, i immediately run to the house thermostat and raise the setting to the triple digits. then, i have to remember to return it to a more normal setting before i leave for the day so my critters don't broil . i think i forgot to do that last part today. i love my critters more than i love most people so, needless to say, i will be going home shortly to make sure they're not overdone.

secret agent woman

since i use government sanctioned spying techniques to track all my blog visitors, i have noticed that some people still use dial up internet services. how do you people live?!?! (i'm addressing no one because i'm sure that all the pointless extras on my blog cause computers with such arcane methods of internet access to shrivel up and die a slow, excruciating death.) i have also noticed that most people use IE6 to access my words of wisdom. i'm glad because my blog is best viewed with IE6. if i ever take the time to clean up my HTML, i will make it Firefox friendly, too. currently, my blog looks like my blog on acid when viewed with Firefox. i'm not sure about Safari, but it sounds too tropical to be compatible with my personality so i'll just guess that my blog looks like it's having an allergic reaction when viewed on Safari. by the way, i do judge you based on the aforementioned covertly gathered data. such a declaration shouldn't surprise you.

Friday, January 27, 2006

red alert

my office seems to be in the center of a temporal anomaly. i swear i saw time actually moving backwards. oddly enough, however, i have accomplished nothing. well, by nothing i mean nothing work related. i have successfully updated by blog, drank an entire pot of coffee, chatted with my snail, and witnessed time go in reverse. i still have an hour to go. sigh.


Thursday, January 26, 2006

i think i need a new profession.

some of the ones i'm considering:

celery stalker

NIN groupie

shady character

Nelly impersonator

raving lunatic

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

the letter

dear fellow Texas Tech student who sits in front of me in my 9AM class,

i envy you as you sit there with your Starbucks coffee. i stare at the wisps of steam escaping the little lid and imagine myself huddling over its warmth. your loud gulps and smacking lips make me hate you more. some of us don't have the time or energy to walk all the way across campus to get coffee before 9AM, and seeing people who do makes us very angry. i secretly plot against you. i pretend my eyes shoot death rays in your direction. i weep inwardly.

sleep deprived, neon red haired girl who sits behind you

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

my week

yesterday, i saw a female student wearing jeans with holes in them. the problem does not lie with the torn apparal but rather with the fact that the holes existed because her thighs rubbed together with each step. if your clothes have holes accentuating a portly figure, it's time to buy new clothes and hit the gym.

i almost forgot what pleasant weather felt like until today. the sun was smiling, the birds were tweeting, the flowers were pollenating... on the way to class, i honestly contemplated ditching so i could lie on a grassy patch and daydream about curly fries. then, i remembered today was the first day to discuss The Scarlett Letter by Nathanial Hawthorne, and seeing as how i am a huge Hawthorne fan, i had to make a quick list of pros and cons to determine the course of my afternoon. (yes, i'm a huge nerd. you don't need to tell me.) i almost suggested asking my prof to hold class outside, but he's a presentation junkie so i figured he'd say no. i ended up going to class.

before last semester's courseload tried to kill me in cold blood, i was attending the gym about four times a week. i was climbing about 80 flights of stairs each visit. today, i climbed two flights because the elevator was out of order, and i had to climb the last six or so steps on my hands and knees while sweat dripped from every pore of my body. when i finally arrived to class, a fellow classmate had to give me CPR and a shot of adrenaline. i think it's time i return to the gym.

i bought my NIN tickets. to raise money to cover the costs, i plan on handing out fines to people i see who get on my nerves. expect yours soon.

Monday, January 23, 2006

living on the edge

christine the photographer

i actually ventured outside my house today to take pictures of my neighborhood. i've posted some of these on my other blog, the spoils of a wasted life. i have to admit, we have beautiful clear skies a lot here in the ol' panhandle.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

i got screwed (and not in the good way.)

this scene is what i had to deal with Friday morning. i'm the kind of person who doesn't like to be late. in fact, i am usually pretty early so i can take my sweet time and tiptoe through the tulips on the way to class, if we had any damn tulips in West Texas. so when i realized my tire was on strike, i had a few seconds of fury. however, b.h. quickly replaced it with my spare, and i was still on time. will you just look at the size of that screw? i will be keeping it once it is removed so i can compare it with any screws used at my workplace and in the construction on campus. then i will use my extensive forensic knowledge to track down the perpetrator and kick him in the shin.

new feature

as you may have noticed, i completely ripped off an awesome blogger hack in order to provide conveniently displayed comments to your right. (that way ------------>, if you're still unsure to which direction i am referring.) you'll notice that the comments are now arranged in the order they were posted. in addition to that already handy trait, if you roll your mouse over the comment, you will get a mouse over with a preview of the comment so you can easily see which ones you've already read and which ones you haven't. i make your lives so easy! what the hell have you done for me lately?

Saturday, January 21, 2006

sounds about right

things that really bother me

i'm well aware of my personality. i'm neither friendly nor sweet, and little cartoon birds don't follow me around dropping petals in my wake. i know that i should be less irritable, but quite honestly, that would require effort on my part. so, instead, i'm listing things that really bother the hell out of me for no apparent reason.

1. i like to use that little "next blog" button to see what other people have to say about their own pathetic lives, but i hate seeing a blog that still has unedited links. take the time to edit the links, or at least remove them. you're already sitting in front of the computer being a total drain on society. use your delete button. sheesh.

2. i hate when people say they 'conversated' with someone else. you don't 'conversate.' you converse when you hold a conversation. it's like imagine. you don't 'imaginate' when you have an imagination. people who employ this travesty of the English language should be deported to Canada. no one pays attention to what Canadians say so you can pretty much speak however you wish.

3. i can't stand it when people assume i will become a teacher when they hear that i am an English major. to make matters worse, these people are dumbfounded when i curtly reply that, no, i will not become a teacher. fyi: studying English does not limit my future to chalk inhalation and poverty. see for yourself.

4. i loathe public restrooms. i will subject myself to possible kidney failure, bladder bursts, and sepsis just to avoid entering these portals of hell.

5. I cannot stand pencils. yes, i do my math in pen. pencils are to pens what kazoos are to violins. they are obtuse and spew forth hideousness. when i am empress of the galaxy, i will outlaw pencils so start preparing for when that time comes. it draws nigh.

that'll teach you.

someone gave me their credit card info to make an online purchase for them. what a foolish, foolish man he is. i have successfully purchased a new wardrobe, 12 pizzas, and the entire state of Michigan.

Friday, January 20, 2006

hey pig piggy pig pig pig

i took this little quiz, and apparently i'll sell out for pretty cheap. i'm guessing that the soul-less degenerates i hang out with would score much worse so i've provided a link. if you're not too ashamed of your score, feel free to share it.

On Average, You Would Sell Out For


Thursday, January 19, 2006

me and my new pet

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

recently overheard conversation

technician: do you have a modem?

customer: what's a modem?

technician: it allows you to connect to the internet.

customer: oh.

technician: i was told you had one.

customer: i don't know.

technician: you don't know?

customer: is this it?

technician (stifling laughter): no. that's your computer.

customer: oh.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

my precious

i'm building my dream laptop on Dell.com. i will be ordering him soon, and he will be my precious. just think. i will be able to blog from school, while i'm driving, from in my bathroom... i have chosen a medium sized one which should fit nicely on my petite lap. the ridiculously huge theater type laptops which require dollies to transport from place to place do not seem appropriate for my needs. it currently has tons of goodies, however, i will probably go back in and trim some of the extras in order to keep from spending too much. it will still be the envy of the neighborhood, though. i'm considering buying a cover for it and i think i like the cherrywood one, but i'm not sure if it's gay or not. please check it out, and let me know what you think. if it is in fact gay, please let me know the comparative extent of the gayness. (e.g. Tom Cruise's recent behavior, Care Bears, the average Texas Tech student, etc.) i'll compile your thoughts and generate a statistical analysis to determine whether or not i should purchase it. i can't wait until my precious and i are finally together!!!

homework vs. American Idol

American Idol starts today. the tryouts are arguably the best part of the entire show because people with inner ear problems are encouraged to participate. these inner ear problems cause these people to dance as if they suffer from severe vertigo. this disorder also causes the notes that escape their throats to magically transform to melodious masterpieces to no one but them. the blunt and acerbic comments provided by the judging panels are equally entertaining. the cherry on top is the violent outbursts resulting from these critiques. talk about great television! now, the first half of these tryouts takes place while i'm at work so i will just shirk my responsibilities as usual in order to point and laugh. after work, however, i'm supposed to go home and begin two 3 inch thick books for tomorrow's classes. on one hand i've got buffoons making fools of themselves on national TV, and on the other hand i've got print the size of a nanite informing me about Milton. i wonder which one i'll end up doing.

Monday, January 16, 2006

proof i need new friends

"i saw the most bad ass light saber the other day!"

casualty at my local Wendy's

i needed a couple of Wendy's double bacon cheese burgers this evening so i decided to use the drive through like any lazy American, but as i pulled up to the menu, i realized someone had killed the speaker. while i sat there deciding if i should try their all white meat, bird flu immunized chicken nuggets, i asked b.h. if he thought i should drive up to the window since the speaker was incapacitated. before he could even answer, the speaker asked me to order when ready. even on the brink of death the speaker was committed to its duty! you just don't find that kind of dedication anymore. (i busted out a tissue to wipe my eye as my quivering voice requested my food.) once i finished, i ignored the laughing, ogling employees in order to snap some photos for your enjoyment. i'd like to make sure and point out the wires dangling gruesomely from its base. i can't believe that thing actually worked!

what those blobs really say when the cameras aren't looking

Saturday, January 14, 2006

i pity the fool!

and that fool is me. will you just take a look at all the books i'm reading this semester? it looks like a freakin' patchwork quilt over there! i have attractively arranged the books in an idiot proof manner. i have even added a mouse over with the book's name and author so you don't have to bust out the magnifying lens. also, if you wish to read more about one, simply click on it, and you will be directed to the appropriate Amazon webpage.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

the Dust Bowl

i hate a lot of things- Mickey Mouse, oranges, people named Albert. but i can definitely say that i hate West Texas wind more than any of those things. i could hear the walls groaning in pain before i even set one foot outside. (well, that could have been my neighbor...) if it hadn't been the first day of my Deciphering Ancient Drivel class, i would have taken shelter under my blankets with a box of Frosted Mini Wheats as a companion. instead, i had to go take a dirt bath along with all the other dumb Lubbockites who succumbed to societal pressure and fulfilled obligations such as work and school. at the first intersection i crossed, i saw swirling eddies of debris and a giant wall of dust. i would have shot a short video so that anyone who has never glimpsed such a sickening sight could understand my level of hostility on days like today, but i was running late to class. don't worry. there will be another dust storm soon, i'm sure. i'll make time to videotape it then. for now, just imagine someone rubbing sandpaper on your eyeballs while you inhale the contents of your vacuum cleaner bag and snack on a dirt clod.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

pants people shouldn't wear

two hooligans apparently stole an idling ambulance in Grand Prairie this past Monday. police located the pair by using the GPS device on the vehicle and quickly apprehended them. it seems one of the brilliant thieves couldn't run very fast thanks to the major sag he was busting as he tried to flee. so, if you plan on participating in any activities which will result in you trying to outrun the po po, steal some form fitting clothing while you're at it.

also, people with a calf circumference larger than my waist should not wear mid-calf length pants. it's not attractive. i saw too many examples of this lack of judgment in my first day back on campus to ignore it.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

things i accomplished on my break

tomorrow i have to drag myself back to class so i thought i'd sum up my break by listing the many things i accomplished with all of my extra time.

1. i started a 1,067 page book with the best of intentions. however, when i admit i only read through page 43, my effort may seem questionable.

2. i watched Office Space and Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle each for the 99th time. in fact, when i felt my brain cells begin to regenerate, i popped one of these movies in just to keep my IQ in the right bracket range to keep attending Texas Tech.

3. i blogged my 70th post. this feat may not seem like an accomplishment in everyone's eyes, but until i see you do more, i rule.

4. i gained 800 pounds. while this type of weight gain may not seem feasible, i assure you that it is definitely what happened. you may have heard the boom when my waistline broke the sound barrier as it expanded so quickly.

5. i watched the justice system in action, folks, and it was not pretty. in fact some of the things prettier than that display of atrociousness include Marilyn Manson, the brown goopy sludge growing in the Tupperware container in the back of my fridge, and my ferrets' litter box when it hasn't been cleaned for a couple of days.

6. i logged 280 hours of Law & Order, Law & Order: SVU, and Law and Order: Criminal Intent. i'm a little peeved that i fell short of my 400 hour goal, but i'll work on it in the future.

i hope everyone was at least half as industrious as i was these last few weeks. now, it's back to homework, gym visits, and (gasp!) no TV.

Monday, January 09, 2006

the file

i know my entire audience has seen every episode of Seinfeld so you will all know which one i'm talking about. remember the one where Elaine goes to see a doctor about a rash, and she notices that someone had written in her chart that she was difficult? then, no matter where she goes, her file gets transferred to the physician. well, the other day i went to the chiropractor's office, and the receptionists stunned me with their incompetence (yet again.) i didn't yell at them, but i did let them know that their lack of professional skills disgusted me or something to that effect. then, last Friday the doctor called me to apologize, and i let him know exactly how inept his staff appeared. well, today when i arrived for my appointment, i noticed a brand new file had replaced my old one! and this one was a lot thicker than the old one. i didn't get a chance to peek inside, but i'm sure it had some colorful comments. i'll try to check it out next Monday when i go back, and i'll keep you posted.

"I was looking at my chart and it said that I was difficult. Why would they write that?"
"They've gotten to know you."
- Elaine and Jerry in "The Package"

Sunday, January 08, 2006

if Jules coached hockey

for all of you Pulp Fiction fans who always wondered what Jules did when he wasn't ridding the world of the tyranny of evil men, check this clip out. the expression on the opposing coach's face is a must see.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

9AM numbers

2- McDonald's holiday pies i contemplated gorging on before 8 o'clock

0- pies i actually ate

3- cups of coffee i will need before i do any work today

15- minutes of actual work i will do today after i drink my coffee

1- dumbass driver i would have flipped off on the way to work if my hands hadn't been frozen to the steering wheel

11- coworkers i threatened via mass text message

5- expletives i let fly in the 2 hours since i've been awake

90- degrees inside my Dilbert cubicle thanks to my space heater

2- holes in my drinking straw rendering it utterly useless and adding to the number of expletives i let fly so far this morning

1- pointless post published

1- example of alliteration in said post

Friday, January 06, 2006

new features

i have been a busy bee today. as you can see, i have added another sidebar to my blog. so far, i've added some inspiration in the form of daily quotes and a list of my reading material. (keep in mind that some of the things listed will be mandatory reading assignments for my mandatory classes and not what i would otherwise choose for myself if i wasn't a slave to the man.) additionally, you will find a disclaimer that may or may not need its own disclaimer later. in the future, i will add a countdown timer in case i ever have anything worth anticipating. i will also be adding a list of places where i blurk because, hard as it is to believe, there are some pretty damn smart blogs worth checking out (besides mine.) if you have ideas you'd like to see, have comments on features that are bugging the hell out of you, or just want to make small talk, let me know. also- i'm still working out some kinks so keep the rude ass comments to yourself. remember, i knew nothing about HTML when i started this p.o.s. a couple of months ago so, if you have something ugly to say and until you can do better, go dig a hole and plant yourself.

can't we all just get along?

Thursday, January 05, 2006

my computer has the flu.

my plan last night was to retire early for once so that i could get up early and get some stuff done today. (and when i say i wanted to go to bed early, that means 3AM for those of you who are not afflicted with insomnia.) around 2ish, i planned to wrap up my mindless internet surfing and watch the Criminal Minds episode i had recorded on my trusty DVR. right as i was about to commence with the TV watching, a grey pop up caught my eye. i read it calmly, but then my heart skipped some much needed beats while realization set in. Symantec had detected a virus. now, a normal person would merely purge the virus that had already been caught by the virus protector, but i am no normal person. i am my father's daughter. so i got up screaming obscenities and ran about three circles aimlessly around my humble abode. then, i began pulling my hair out in large clumps (from the thick brunette locks, not the neon red streaks...i wouldn't want to look asymmetrical later on.) after that display of insanity, i sat back down at my desk and began manually hunting for any remnants of the infiltration. i then ran two additional virus scanners and a computer check up before i could stop breathing like a prank caller. next thing i know, it's really late, and i still haven't seen Criminal Minds. needless to say, i did not get to bed early last night.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

i'm counting the days.

things you don't care about

so i'm sitting at work not working (big surprise.) instead, i'm watching The Biggest Loser: Special Edition and wondering how in the world people become so sizely. of course, i'm typing this post while i have six tater tots stuffed in my mouth at one time.

my brother in law turned 21 today. i'm tempted to crash his soiree, tell him that it's all downhill from here, and then be home in time to watch Criminal Minds.

i dropped my phone underneath my desk, and i'm fashioning a long device to help steer it back in my direction. yes, i am that lazy.

i don't have the heart to tell my sister in person so here goes: Sonic has removed the jalapeno fries from their menus. i know they were only temporary treats, but we were living in denial. what's next on the chopping block? the holiday pies from McDonald's? the agony!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

breakfast of champions

mid-life crisis

i do believe i'm having a mid-life crisis. it's premature to say the least seeing as how i am still a young spring chicken in my twenties. i've been thinking a lot about the past (a.k.a. the good ol' days.) as a woman, i'm not sure what i should do about it. if i belonged to the male persuasion, i'd just go purchase a cherry Corvette, some hair plugs, and a piece of arm candy. seeing as how i am the arm candy, however, what is the logical thing to do here? the more i think about the situation, though, the more confused i am about whether or not this is really a mid-life crisis. it may just be an inner longing to be single again. sometimes i'm pretty sure that this whole marital bliss idea is a load of crap. or, is the desire to be single only a manifestation of the mid-life crisis? who the hell goes through a mid-life crisis in her 20s anyway? i'm going to go watch some TV. there's always wisdom in a sitcom...

Monday, January 02, 2006

i'm becoming a statistic.

i have a new car payment. that makes two, folks. just give me 2.5 kids and a $1500/month house payment, and i'm the American dream. well, it's more like a friggin' nightmare. how in the heck am i supposed to make two car payments plus give Texas Tech their usual 60 gazillion dollars every month? they don't teach you that solution in college, that's for sure. while i start listing my pet rock collection on e-bay in a desperate attempt to bring in some cash, you check out the pics of my bitter half's 'new' car. it's a 2002 Ford Taurus with all the amenities. it's cool and all, but i'll stick with my Honda. after all, my patriotism only goes so far...

my bounty

the silence is deafening

my brother just left, and now my home is eerily quiet. due to our broke status, we didn't really do too much of anything the entire time he was here. we pretty much just watched TV and movies and chit-chatted. now, the television is off, and all i can hear is the clicking of my computer keys as i type this post. (i type like that airline employee on Meet the Parents, however, so it sounds like a barrage of hail pounding my roof.) i go back to work tomorrow, and i have to drag myself back to school next week. i have nothing to look forward to now except that perfect day in March when i will again subject myself to major bodily harm in order to catch a glimpse of my future husband in concert. sigh.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

good times

well we rang in the year in typical idiot style. we didn't party too hard, but we fanny waggled and laughed plenty. i didn't take pics because i didn't want to lose my new digi cam in my drunken stupor so i'll paint a mental picture for you. i wore my new Boondock Saints tee which glowed ridiculously bright under the black lights. my neon red hair was obnoxiously glowing as well. i wore an army green mini and some bad ass boots. my brother wore a tangerine colored tee with some black slacks. he will henceforth be referred to as the Tangerine Dream for the remainder of this post. surprisingly, the Tangerine Dream behaved himself for the entire night. my bitter half looked smashing as always with his trendy retro button down shirt and bad ass jeans. my sis looked hot as usual, too. she had her new black eighties style blouse. we danced at one club, and when that one closed, we headed over to the neighboring gay club to shake our asses some more. bitter half was groped by a boy toy, Tangerine Dream found a new hidden talent (dancing flamboyantly gay-like), and we all had a great time. i'm positive this coming year will rock since this past one sucked a big one. hope all you blurkers had good times, too. Happy New Year!!!

i'll regret this post later, but...

i'm going to go ahead and post my New Year's resolutions like a dumbass. that way, if i fail, you can all point and laugh while i cower in the corner like a disgraced loser. i'm pretty much going to keep the same resolutions i had listed previously on my potential New Year's resolutions post.
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