Monday, July 31, 2006

a bunch of losers read my blog.

of course i don't mean you. here's a sample of some searches that have brought people here:

i forgot to fill out my fafsa
- well, dumbass, it's the middle of summer, and you're just now realizing that you forgot? i hope you're working full time because you're not getting any financial aid.

i'm having sharp stabbing pains in the chest area- maybe you should be looking on a medical website or calling a physician. searching for answers on a site entitled "the power of denial" is probably only going to add to your declining health.

Metamucil pros and cons- i may act like i'm a hundred, but my plumbing works fine so i really can't help you with this one. however, the commercials make me want to barf so i'm pretty sure that's a con.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

proof i need to be shipped off to the looney bin soon.

the other day after i left the gym and was climbing the stairs to my apartment, i heard someone talking and thought, "man, i hope that's not a serial killer because i am way too tired to put up a fight."

the other day when i was in a Jacuzzi style tub and the water was bubbling up around me, i thought, "this is what it would look like if someone was cooking me in a cauldron."

the other day as i was driving and about halfway between home and bitter half's place of employment, i thought, "if an apocalyptic tornado swooped down right now, should i drive home or to bitter half's work in search of safety?"

Friday, July 28, 2006

even though i hate people, i love animals.

look at this little critter! when one of my weasels was tiny enough to fit in the palm of my hand, he would sometimes fall asleep while eating. i'd catch him passed out with his little head in the bowl.

ghost on the machine

the cardio equipment at my gym has these little sensors that tell you your heart rate if you put your palms on them. i noticed, however, that my machine was giving me a heart rate even though i wasn't touching anything. i used my deductive reasoning to determine that Casper was joining me for a workout. oddly, his heart rate is pretty steady no matter how fast or slow we were moving because it stayed pretty constant at around 128.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

class was cancelled

so i wasn't able to give my tribute to George Costanza. since i was up and about at 9:30 in the morning with nothing to do, i hit the gym for about an hour. i witnessed a lady climb onto a treadmill and then proceed to stand there for ten minutes while she channel surfed. when she finally found a suitable program to entertain her, she cranked up the ol' treadmill to a frighteningly neck break speed of pokey. i think only zombies creep faster. (you know the ones that take a step per minute and still manage to catch you and eat your brains.) when her TV show didn't prove to be satisfactory, she stood on the side railings to find a new one because moving like a slug and pressing a button at the same time might actually force her to burn a calorie. by this time, i've run a marathon on my elliptical machine and am about to start convulsing in agony. the lady then settles on a channel and proceeds her dainty workout while i'm gasping and sweating like a lumberjack. i'm nowhere near done when Mrs. Fake Workout starts fanning herself and calls it quits. God, i hate the gym.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

random thoughts

i don't use the word asshat enough. i think i'm going to incorporate it more into my vernacular.

for a second, i thought i was bleeding purple blood. just as i was about to call the CDC to report my anomaly, i realized my purple pen had just peed on me.

half the class gave their tribute speeches today. the subjects varied. there were some moms, family members, and a civil rights pioneer. hell, even Jesus got a nod. i wonder how my Costanza speech will go over tomorrow...

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

i think my bitter half is suffering from early on-set Alzheimer's.

yesterday for lunch we ordered some Popeye's chicken meals. i didn't finish mine so i gave bitter half the chicken i didn't eat. last night, as b.h. was about to drive home, i asked him if he was going to stop and get some dinner. here's the conversation:

b.h.: no. i think i'm just going to eat my leftover chicken. didn't you have any left?

me: i gave it to you. did you think your chicken was reproducing or what?

b.h.: oh...well do you want me to stop and get you something?

me: will you get me a combo burrito from Taco Villa?

b.h.: okay.

then about ten minutes pass when i get another phone call from b.h.

b.h.: they're out of corned beef. do you want turkey?

me: what?

b.h.: is turkey okay?

me: what are you talking about?

b.h.: (sounding frustrated) is a turkey Reuben okay? they don't have any corned beef.

me: where the hell are you?

b.h.: at Arby's getting us some dinner.

me: what the fuck? i thought you were eating leftover chicken, and i was getting a combo burrito from Taco Villa!

b.h.: oh...uh, i'll see you in a sec.

and people wonder why i wear a perpetual scowl on my face.

Monday, July 24, 2006

decisions, decisions

i forgot i took a vacation day tomorrow. what kind of person forgets about time off? a workaholic, that's what kind. now, admittedly, i don't work while i'm at work, but i do pack a lot of activities into my day so it seems like i'm dedicated to something. anyway, i would have gone to work like a total dumbass if the lady at the beauty spa hadn't called me to confirm my facial appointment. to top things off, my class was cancelled tomorrow, too. i have a whole day to myself to squander as i see fit. i'm trying to decide if i want to spend the day drinking, dyeing my hair blue, or torturing myself at the local gym. life is good.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Michael Corleone vs. George Costanza

for my next assignment in my How to Make an Ass of Yourself in Public 2300 class, i have to write and give a speech of praise and tribute. i've thought long and hard about to whom i should dedicate my time. should i try one of the parental units who shaped and molded me into the vision of perfection that i am today? or, maybe i should address one of the siblings who make me laugh almost as much as i do. there's always bitter half, but i already gave him a half assed mention in my introductory speech. then i thought of Michael Corleone*- the biggest, baddest mafia mo fo around. when i had almost committed to writing about him, i thought of George Costanza- the epitome of selfishness and slothfulness and my all time role model. now i'm in a conundrum. being a list maker, i thought i'd come up with some reasons for each:

Michael- intelligent and savvy in a cruel and intimidating way
George- semi-smart and uncouth in a total disregard for other's opinions kind of way

Michael- places everyone including family on his "enemies/hit" list
George- places only himself on his "people that matter" list

Michael- sets goals such as mob and business domination
George- sets goals such as eating blocks of cheese in his underwear

Michael- had a father who tried to balance the welfare of his family with mafia demands
George- had a father with man boobs

Michael- would not talk business with his wife
George- killed his would be wife by buying cheap envelopes with poisonous glue

Michael- lived a grandiose life as leader of the Cosa Nostra
George- lived pretend grandiose lives as an architect and marine biologist

Michael- died alone and weak
George- lived with his parents

Michael- is a devout Catholic
George- converted to Latvian Orthodoxy to keep a girlfriend

Michael- is sometimes referred to as "the godfather" out of respect
George- sometimes referred to himself as Art Vandalay out of deceit

it's still a toss up so i'll probably decide at the last minute. it might come down to what mood i'm in tomorrow morning.

*when i asked bitter half to guess whom i was thinking of paying tribute, he tilted his head, squinted his eyes, and thought for about 5 seconds. then he said, "Michael Corleone?" am i getting predictable, or does he actually pay attention to me?

Saturday, July 22, 2006

The Texas Chainsaw Treadmill Massacre

the gym is quickly overtaking Texas Tech as the source of my blog fodder. today, i went to the gym for a quick workout during my lunch break, and i think i have a stalker. he's terrifying. i want to describe him as a cross between the grandpa on the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Gary Oldman. if i didn't think i could out run his hobbling ass, i'd quit going.

i like big blogs, and i cannot lie.

i like to blog surf, and i've run across a lot of inarticulate ones. usually, however, i can still make out what the poster is attempting to convey. and i really don't like to demean other people's blogs because it's a form of expression, and i'm all about expression. so to avoid undue embarrassment, i'm not going to point out the culprit to which i'm referring, but there is a fairly popular blog that seems to have a lot of readers. yet, for the life of me, i cannot understand one damn thing that woman says. it's like she's not "speaking" English, but she is using English words. i've tried several times to try to understand, and i'm not sure if it's a punctuation problem or a word usage issue. i think no one really gets it, but people are too ashamed to admit that her posts don't make sense. i'm going to start using her strategy when i don't feel like blogging, and i'll probably get more comments than ever. here's a sample: yesterday, the weather beating me tired and confusion to the point blogging passionately for almost a year or sunshine. why? the prayers of you! thanks is so driving to soup.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

you have got to be kidding me.

before i get into my most recent reason to hate people, let me give you some background. i belong to a pretty hoity toity gym. here is a list of amenities:

- indoor rock climbing wall
- full size, indoor basketball court
- supervised daycare
- kiddie water park
- (in process of being built) swimming pool with retractable roof
- view that overlooks a private golf course
- flat panel TVs on cardio equipment
- bistro style Italian restaurant (i don't know whose bright idea it was to put a fattening oasis in a gym, but whatever.)
- giant bronze statues of regal lions
- a koi pond

it's not cheap either. (unless you're me because everyone loves me.) with all that and a price that makes most people have a mild coronary, you'd think that only classy people would attend. right? wrong! yesterday, before my workout, i went to use the bathroom, and someone had puked in a toilet and not flushed. wtf?!?! there's a handle for a reason, but i let it slide. today, as i was about to wash up after my workout, i noticed some underwear on the bathroom floor...and not clean ones. i almost barfed. (if i had, however, i would have flushed.) what the hell? i don't pretend to pay a billion dollars a month so i can work out with riff raff who don't have common decency.

the pros and cons of my rigorous gym routine:

pro: all my pants no longer fit which means i will be obligated to buy new stuff in Vegas.
con: after i buy everything in Caesar's Palace, i will be forced to maintain this anorexic physique in order to be able to continue wearing my new clothes.

i can eat pretty much anything i want and not gain weight.
con: i don't have the energy to eat. i was so tired after making my sammich yesterday that i just curled up and stared at it longingly for about an hour.

pro: my arms, butt, and thighs no longer look like they're wrapped in down comforters.
con: it hurts to sit down.

pro: i get to listen to at least an hour of great music while i kick my ass at the gym.
con: i have to flip the bird to all those people who think i'm there to find a date.

pro: constantly working out keeps me out of trouble.
con: i don't have time to work out my liver for Vegas, and i will probably end up in a gutter somewhere within an hour of my arrival.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

i'm in a mood.

i got up so fucking early today that i had time to take a nap before my ten o'clock class. i've concluded that the morning is unnatural and should be outlawed. so should Pizza Hut commercials.

for one terrifying minute, i thought i had forgotten my iPod at home. luckily, it was just hiding. i was afraid i'd have to listen to the Geritol Sisters at work complain about their blood pressure and foot odor problems.

i'm glad President Bush is muttering profanities to his peers with the mike on. i liked it when he was giving the finger on camera, too. people are too uptight.

could this month last any longer? i'm dying for a week of drunken debauchery in Sin City. if i had the energy, i'd start my blog countdown clock to begin ticking away for the big day, but i'm about two seconds away from keeling over at my work desk.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

tag. i'm freakin' it.

and since i'm supposed to be practicing my speech for class tomorrow, i figured answering it would be a great way to procrastinate. read at your own risk.

1. what can i learn about you in under five minutes?

i don't get embarrassed easily. (growing up in a family like mine, who would?) i have an almost photographic memory, but i consider myself an audile learner so i soak up vasts amount of information effortlessly. people like me even though i probably don't like them. i'm allergic to everything. i make myself laugh all the time. people probably think i'm crazy because of it.

2. how do you use blogging to build friendships?

i really don't. i like to meet other people online, though, and i've had the pleasure of meeting some really smart, funny, and interesting ones.

3. who do you read every day, rain or shine?

i can't say i read someone every day thanks to my hectic schedule, but i try to read my BlogRoll regularly- although i've been meaning to add some others to it lately. i really like to read Post Secret when they update on Sundays.

4. how would you describe your writing style?

depends. my blogging style is probably profane and childish. my real writing style runs the gamut from formal to profane and childish.

5. if you could spend time with one person (other than your spouse) who would it be?

since this meme didn't specify real or imagined, living or dead, i'm going to go with Tyler Durden from Fight Club (as portrayed by Brad Pitt.) i need some eye candy and self destruction in my life.

6. what don't you write about? anything a no-no in your book?

not really. nothing too personal, i guess, but pretty much anything's game.

7. what is your favorite thing that you wrote?

a short story for one of my creative writing classes. i'd post it, but i'm too lazy.

8. are you and your blogging persona the same person?

yes. we're both christines.

9. if you had a super power, what would it be?

i'd be able to make sammiches just by thinking about them.

10. have you anonymously posted on a site to flame them?

no. i've flamed people with my name posted loud and proud.

11. i guess i'm supposed to post a photograph that represents me so here goes:

12. where do you live?


13. what do you do for a living?

full time student and full time office whore

14. what are some things you can't live without?

coffee, my bitter half, sammiches, the internet, my iPod

15. if you're reading this meme, you're tagged. hop to it.

if you don't live on the internet like me...

you may have missed this little vid. it chronicles a day in the life of Chad Vader, Darth's "less talented, less charismatic" younger brother.

proof my family is a bunch of wierdos.

1. Tangerine Dream- he sent me a text today relating his latest exploit. he begins it with stating that he was not drunk at the time. this fact is crucial because most of his stories involve alcohol. let me just give you his own words:

I worked out pretty hard [at the gym] so I wanted to relax in the dry sauna before going home. I walk into the sauna, and there are 3 peeps in the corner chatting. It's a big room so I sit next to the lava rocks in the center just minding my own and listening to my iPod. Then for no reason, they split up in to different areas thus having to yell at one another to communicate like the room is the fucking size of a football stadium. wtf?!? So I proceed to glare thinking that they'll get the hint, but NO! After 8 minutes of this and not being able to enjoy my Diana Krall , I've had it...So what do I do? I put on some Scorps and begin to sing "Big Tittie Nights" at the top of my lungs- air guitar and head banging and all!!! Then they start staring but whatever, right? It's a love song. They call me a rude, weird fucker, and they split. Those dumb bastards. I had complete solitude for the next 15 minutes. It was excellent. Good times!

2. Gold Digger- she ate some lunch yesterday before heading to teach a class, and for some reason, none of the food she ate made it in her mouth. it was all on her shirt, hands, pants, hair, etc. wtf?!?! i know she has several young children, but using their lunch techniques is really unacceptable.

3. me- since creating a MySpace account, i have ignored everyone who has messaged me except for one. he's someone from my past, and i decided (after much consideration) to reply. we've chatted off and on about various light topics since then. today, as i was replying to his message, i wrote a really personal and heartfelt paragraph amidst the other light hearted ones. i wasn't planning on sending it. i was just typing it to get it off my chest. at the last second, i decided to leave it, and i hit send. i'm not someone who lives in regret, but i'm wondering if my course of action was the best possible one. probably not, but I never claimed to make the best decisions in life.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

i've got a big mouth.

so naturally i wanted to go to Chili's to try their Big Mouth Burger. it's a build your own, and they even give you a nifty notepad where you check off the stuff you want on yours. of course, i designed a masterpiece. after listing my name as Lois Lane on the card, i sent it away to be created. the cooks forgot the dressing, but as i was unsure of the dressing and its high calorie content to begin with, i ate it anyway. now i'm riding a good food buzz and thinking how i will have to punish myself at the gym tomorrow in order to make up for my gigantic meal.

Friday, July 14, 2006

pathetic excuse for a post

i always forget how much i like Front 242 until my iPod reminds me. good times.

Busta Rhymes is getting on my nerves. yesterday at the gym, i had my TV on VH1 Hits or some crap, and they are doing a summer hit list (which means singers get to show their favorite videos.) well, Busta Rhymes was on, and all of his favorite videos are either by him or feature him. wtf?!?! i'm all about a healthy ego, but give me a break. when a vid finally came on that didn't include Busta, i started to think maybe i'd misjudged him. turns out his hour was up, though, and a new artist's hit list had started.

i'm using the fact that i have to give speeches in school this month to buy new clothes. it didn't take a lot to convince myself, really.

in less than a month i will be passed out on a roulette wheel in Vegas. i just hope i don't break any bones this time around...

Gary the snail died. i've never had a snail before him so i don't know now long they're supposed to live. i had him for about a year. now Monica is truly alone.

if you're still reading this post, i applaud you. i quit reading it about three paragraphs up.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

sermon #3

while the good Lord condones heavy breathing in the bedroom between husband and wife, He sometimes also condones the wife kicking the husband's ass. well, at least he should for this couple.

sermon #2

in this second installment of my new blog theme, i will show you the downside of being mean. i know it's kind of like Martha Stewart lecturing on ethics but whatever. so you feel like taking your aggression out on innocent people, do you? well look at this punk who thought it'd be funny to hit a bicyclist with his car door. then go say some Hail Marys or something.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

i'm turning this blog into a preachy type one.

so the first life lesson for you dear readers involves deceit and its consequences. you think it's funny to use trickery and lies to enhance your pathetic life? so did this heathen, and look what happened to him.

yes, my b-day is September 11th

so that means you have exactly two months to prepare. i'll make it easy for those of you who are getting me a gift. i want iTunes. that way i won't have to spend my tuition money on music. for those of you who aren't getting me a gift, why the hell not you cheap bastards? (unless of course i didn't get you anything for yours. what the, too.) of course, if you're a millionaire, forget the iTunes. i want a Jeep, but i'm pretty sure you have better things to do than read my blog if you have loads of cash. i know i would. dammit, this post sucks ass. i'm too tired to think clearly so nighty night.

Friday, July 07, 2006

my love/hate relationship

i love coffee. i love its sensuous aroma and its rich flavor. i love the caffeine. the sound of it percolating is comforting and familiar. however, it's going to be the death of me. this semester i'm taking How to Make an Ass of yourself in Public 2300, and drinking an entire pot of coffee before i speak to a classroom of my peers is making me a nervous, jittery wreck. if i don't drink it, though, i'm asleep in a puddle of my own drool. i don't know what to do about this conundrum, and i'm too tired to think about it. i'm off for a pre-work nap.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

what a hunka hunka burning love

first, let me just say that i have very interesting and vivid dreams, and i could probably dedicate a whole blog to them. luckily, i remember most of them to some degree. last night, i dreamt i was having an affair with President Bush. (no it wasn't one of those dreams.) i remember a lot of secret service people being aware of the situation and when a security concern arose, i was immediately a person of interest. to make things more surreal, today's his birthday. i'm not sure what Freud would say, but if you have your own interpretation, feel free.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

jury exemption disqualification

remember a few weeks ago when i wrote the following?

i was summoned to jury duty...yesterday. i called and had to leave a message stating that i was a blight on the justice system of America and an embarrassment to my forefathers. then i begged for a reschedule. (i left out the part that says i will be in class when the reschedule comes and therefore exempt. pray for my degenerate soul.)

well i got my new summons, and as promised, i am worming my way out of it. i noticed a new feature that states i can submit my exemption online. super! i love being online. so there i go to the website, and being a meticulous person, i read all the instructions when i notice that there is a section for exemption and a section for disqualification. continuing reading, i see that my student status puts me in the former, but the fact that i'm not of sound mind or good moral character puts me in the latter. hmmm. i'd ask for your opinions, but i'm already risking cruel and unusual punishment by waiting so long to do this task. lack of morals it is. if they want proof, they can ask any one of my co-workers how may times a day i flip the bird. in fact, i'm doing it right now.

the summer of George

well it's been a good run, but my damn classes start tomorrow. this was my summer of George, and my muscles were just starting to atrophy. but, alas, it's over. normally, i take full course loads during both summer terms, but i was beginning to feel the twinges of burnout so i took a month off. now, i have to go back, and it sucks big time. i'd like to spend the day sulking, but work beckons. sigh.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Happy Birthday, America!!!

hope everyone has a great Fourth of July, and remember that the holiday isn't just about barbeques and fireworks. it's about kicking England's ass and enjoying blog freedom. now go put an eye out with a bottle rocket before it gets too late.

random news

it looks like Lil Kim got released from prison
early for good behavior but not before she got her ass beaten....with the ugly stick!

a man whose pet rats overtook his home
and started plans to take over the world was given assistance by some brave animal control officers. luckily, the rats were thwarted.

Britney's brilliant plan to seek some privacy has culminated in her posing nude on Harper's Bazaar. maybe she needs some genius rats to show her the fallacy of her ways.

what i have been doing:

bleaching my hair to an unnatural shade of yellow. what i have not been doing: laundry, house cleaning, bill paying, or anything remotely useful.
back to top (you lazy bastard)