Sunday, April 30, 2006

fruit off the poisonous tree

i asked bitter half to bring me an iced tea last night. here's what he brought me. i know it's hard to see, but it says 'don't drink.' then, there is a skull and crossbones on the depressed tab. he poisoned my drink, that bastard!

of course, i drank it anyway. i was thirsty.

Friday, April 28, 2006

things i will not miss once this semester is through

so the term is wrapping up, and finals are looming. this semester wasn't so bad, but there are a few minor things that i am not going to miss. in no particular order:

1. seeing Ms. I-Know-Everything-There-Is-To-Know-About-The-English-Language's crack every Tuesday and Thursday. i think it's great that you are well versed in Petrarchan and Shakespearean sonnet forms and that you daydream about ways in which to expose America to the subtleties of iambic pentameter, but i can do without the lowrise jeans and the perpetual butt cheek exposure.

2. listening to the most annoying and psychotic girl at Tech try to start conversations with me on a semi-regular basis. you'd think my rolling eyes and refusal to answer her questions would give her an indication that i don't like her, but like i said, she's crazy.

3. trudging from the Psych building to the Foreign Language building to the English building every other day. even though they are side by side, i am one lazy and unmotivated student. sometimes just thinking of migrating to the next location makes me want to curl up and take a siesta on campus.

4. the constant and grating reminders that i need to file an intent to graduate. i know already! it's on my list of things to do, for Pete's sake. if i didn't have to peel rubber to get to work at the exact second class ended, i would have filled out the damn form fifty years ago.

5. the ye olde english courses. i'm done with those requirements. it's all modern literature from here on out. i'd bust out in a joyous jig if i wasn't, as i stated earlier, one lazy and unmotivated student.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

conversation of the day

tangerine dream: i'm dying. i have the brd flu with a side order of whooping cough and a mump. i need a cigarette and some freakin' Popeyes!

me: a mump? LMAO

t.d.: yeah. i'm too sick to support more than one.

yet more proof i'm the meanest person ever

me (directed towards b.h.): God, you stink. how can you stand yourself?

American Idol update

i always think Simon Cowell's thoughts about the contestants before he vocalizes them- from his comments about Bucky's Jessica Simpson hair earlier this season to Paris's weird leather outfit the other day. so i was surprised when he completely ripped Katherine to shreds on Tuesday because even though she gives me the creeps for no reason whatsoever, i thought her performance was pretty good. then, Wednesday night he apologized to her. all is right with the world when Simon's bad moods coincide with mine. oh...and it's about time Kelly got thrown out on her ass. i think she was gaining weight anyway, and that's no way for an American Idol to behave.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

the introspection

i haven't been in the mood to blog. i've been strangely introspective lately, and i'm beginning to wonder if my jaded and cynical attitude has gone the way of the Dodo bird. i'm also contemplating the concept of sobriety. (gasp!) i feel as if i need to quit eating grease with a side of grease and drinking the entire bar when i go out on weekends. in other words, i need to be healthier. plus, i've been swamped with damn school projects and term papers. with finals looming, i'm sure i won't have time to blog even if my new centered self does decide to take the plunge into a better lifestyle. don't worry, blog. i still love you and promise to visit as often as possible.

Monday, April 24, 2006

this afternoon

here is how my day was supposed to go: after meeting some classmates to work on a project, i would swing by the insurance place to make a payment and then go to Target to buy some sunglasses identical to the ones i lost on the wild, drunken night we call the Staind show. then, i'd be home in time to kick back and watch The Godfather pt. II before heading to the gym.

here's how it really went: after meeting my classmates, i head to the insurance place where a dumb ass bitch keys my credit card in wrong. then, she tells me it's declined. so i tell her to keep doing it, and she does. but still no go. so i tell her it's their new credit card system and to keep trying or call Discover because i can't keep coming back until they get their shit together. (in case you haven't noticed, i'm the meanest, grouchiest person alive, and i know it's not a credit issue because i have more credit on my two cards than most Americans will ever have in their lifetime.) this process continues for about 45 minutes. i finally get fed up and call Discover myself where i am told by a competent person that the insurance place isn't even contacting them so it must be the new credit card system. (isn't that the same thing i'd been telling the insurance whore the entire time?) so she calls another department where she tries to tell me that i gave her the wrong address. i wryly let her know that i'm aware of where i live so it's correct address. after about 20 more minutes she finds out from her superiors (and i use that term loosely) that since they switched to the new credit card system, they no longer take Discover. wtf? i just wasted a freaking hour and a half of my precious time to be told this news now? apparently. so i tell her i'll be taking my business elsewhere because, unlike b.h., i don't believe in carrying cash or a checkbook. so now she tells me that my cars aren't covered anyway because i'm late on my payment. i inform her that i always pay that payment about 7 days late, and i know there is a grace period. she tells me there is not. luckily, i ran into the supervisor outside, and we had a nice chat about the dumbass he had working for him. i've been thinking of switching to the gecko anyway because he does the robot dance and this little event just reinforced my desire.

then, i head to Target where i cannot find brown sunglasses in the colossal size. there are black ones in colossal, but the brown are only in semi-colossal. what to do? after mulling it over for a long time, i went with the smaller brown ones. i will have to try them on and stare at myself in the mirror for a few hours before i commit. i may go back and exchange them for the black ones that have lenses the size of dinner plates. i thought of buying myself a giant Symphony bar as a way to soothe my grouchy mood, but after remembering that my mini skirt was a little snug this past weekend, i didn't.

can you spot the differences in the two scenes?

*right as i finished typing this post, the supervisor from the insurance place called me. he has smoothed everything out, and is kissing my ass for their shoddy customer service. i will probably still switch to the gecko this summer because i think the little lizard's kind of cute.


i just remembered i had a paper due Saturday at noon. i feel a tad bad about it because i've turned in two other late papers in this class already. the prof doesn't seem to mind, though, so i'm not worried. i'll work on it later today when i finish gloating about the superb job i did on my Milton thesis paper. i just got it back, and it's an A for awesome. (those words are mine, not my prof's. he said my paper was a "clear and thoughtful engagement of a complex text"...which means awesome in my book.) my grades are so high this semester that Tech will need to round three of them down in order to give me 100s...seriously. god, i'm a genius.

Friday, April 21, 2006

conversation of the day

i'll spare you the details, but here's the main idea: tangerine dream's tires were unbalanced and causing a somewhat bumpy ride from Dallas to Lubbsuck.

t.d.: it was like riding a pogo stick the whole way down!

me: uh. i see.

t.d.: it almost felt like my tires were squares.

me: hmmm.

t.d.: i had no incentive to go faster than 65 because then my teeth were chattering uncontrollably.

me: *sigh*

Thursday, April 20, 2006

for Gary

so my snail keeps telling me that i don't pay enough attention to him. he thinks i devote too much time to work, school, sammiches, and this damn blog. so, in his honor, i'm placing a video on here just for him. it's by an awesome snail band called Nine Inch Snails.

i'm such a lazy fucker.

i finally got off my ass and updated the concert countdown over to your left. also, in case you didn't notice, i added a feature which will tell you how many people are visiting my special place at any given time. enjoy.

ah...the good life

i got up early today in order to attend a meeting at work. it lasted about .2 seconds which means i have plenty of time to sip coffee, blog, and build potato salad sculptures before i have to go to class. i do believe this time will be the best part of my day.

American Idol update/set your DVRs

well Ace got the boot which is unfortunate because he could actually sing. i'm pretty sure he wasn't winning over the hetero male vote, though. i'm not a boy band style type of person myself, but i liked the fact that he embraced his style and didn't try to pretend to be someone he was not. i'm wondering why the hell that blond chick is still on the show. she even admitted to butchering her song on Tuesday, and she wasn't even in the bottom three. does America really think they need another idiot blond pop star? apparently so. fuck you, America. i admit she has a bubbly personality, and personality goes a long way. i mean, it keeps a dog from being a filthy animal, but an idol needs more than personality. an idol needs a perfect balance of personality, talent, and (ideally) good looks. (by the way...can i say the word personality anymore? personality!) on a better note, Andrea Bocelli will be coaching the idol hopefuls next week. he will also be performing on the show. set your DVRs because Bocelli rocks. buh-bye.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

lame-o Lubbock

this weekend i was lamenting the fact that Lubbock was so freakin' lame because we rarely have any decent live music. then today i see that Blue October is actually making a stop here so i get online to see if there are any tix left. the shows later this week in Austin, Dallas, and Houston are already sold out but not here in ol' lame-o. why? because everyone here only listens to boy bands and butt rock. so i try to make plans and call b.h. and ask him if he wants to go, but he's working tonight. then i think that maybe Golddigger wants to accompany me, but she finally joined the workforce so that's out. Tangerine Dream won't be here until Friday so that's another dashed plan. i don't feel like calling any of my friends because they will want to get shit faced afterward, and i have class tomorrow. (and of course, i can't do anything by myself...) dammit.

no time

i'm running late to (fill in the blank for yourself because i have no idea where the hell i'm supposed to be. school most likely. maybe i'll just head to the bar.) just a quick run down of this past weekend's activities. bitter half won his first disc golf tourney. super! i gluttoned myself on brats, chicken, and potato salad. also super! now, i will prepare myself for this weekend when tangerine dream comes to visit and we go see Staind and Drowning Pool. double super! i'll post again once i get to work...unless i'm too drunk to go to work. then, i'll post from the bar. ta ta.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

i could never do the Atkins diet.

i bought a loaf of wheat bread yesterday morning before class, and i've already scarfed down half of the damn thing! (i can't blame it on b.h. either because he's out of town.) if my sammiches weren't so freakin' spectacular, i wouldn't be such a carbivore. (yes, that's right. i just said carbivore.) in fact, in the time it's taken me to type this pointless post, i just ate another one! someone freakin' stop me already!!!

i'm the best daughter ever.

today, i emailed the maternal unit and pretty much commanded her to have an Easter bar-b-que. then, i had her call the paternal unit who was at the store to put in my order for bratwurst. being the baby in the family rocks!

i wear my sunglasses at night.

often, here in the office, we keep the lights turned off for several reasons. most of us are usually hungover (or still drunk), tired (or trying to sleep), or both. but lately i've resorted to wearing my sunglasses in the office, too. yesterday, as i stepped outside, the blinding beams attacked my retinas with a ferocity usually only seen from animate objects. as i scrambled for my shades, i realized i was already wearing them. i think i may have to start wearing a hood and visor here soon. i'll start browsing the Unibomber Catalogue when i get home.

Friday, April 14, 2006

continuing the robot theme

man, Brent Spiner will be out of a job soon!

this one gives me the heebee jeebees.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

i'm Kilroy!

well Styx is coming to Lubbock so i will be doing the robot dance after getting liquored up back stage like the VIP that i am. they will be joined by REO Speedwagon. talk about a flashback. domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. domo... domo...

good ways to get fired

first, burn a disc with songs referencing:

1. sadomasochism and other deviant acts
2. words that would make a fifty year old hooker blush ( i tried 'em on your mom just to be sure.)
3. American politics and emperialism
4. my ass*
5. religion

then, blare it on your work radio as loud as you can. we'll see if it works.

*yes, there is a song dedicated to my ass. Peaches, who is unfortunately touring with NIN up north where i won't be able to see her, belts out these lyrics in Fuck the Pain Away:

Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me,
Callin me, all the time like blondie
Check out my chrissy behind
It's fine all of the time
Like sex on the beaches,
What else is in the teaches of peaches? huh? what?

i'm pregnant, and i'm having a litter.

well that's what i'm claiming anyway. it's the truth. i swear. if you want to donate a house, some furniture, cash, or services, please feel free. i mean it worked for this lady. everyone just felt so sorry for this destitute woman who claimed she was giving birth to six babies that they hooked her up with all kinds of freebies. well, it turns out she's not pregnant...just fat and crazy. she didn't wish to dicuss any details about the children after they were "born" because she claimed one of her equally crazy relatives was trying to kill them. how convenient. after her lies were exposed, the woman refused to speak to anyone stating that "nobody gets it." uh...i think we do. you're a conniving, lazy liar. try getting off your fat ass and working for a living like the rest of us.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

i'm mutating into a bird.

i've eaten nothing but sunflower seeds today. once again, i forgot to eat. i think my bitter half will be bringing me some lunch later because he feels sorry for me in my pathetic, lunchless state.

Monday, April 10, 2006

i think the Pope needs a new stylist.

for the love of God!

i wrote an impassioned plea to my advisor begging for an override into a course i really need to take in order to graduate. i begged. i pleaded. i bribed and groveled. "for the love of God!" i cried. but my response was not what i wanted to hear. instead, i got the typical, "keep checking back. diligent students will often find a seat." thanks for nothing. i get better advising from my shoe.

b.h. is an anti-dentite

i booked both of us a dentist appointment today. it's no big deal to me because i have a weird teeth hygiene/health obsession which means i go all the time for cleanings, preventative measures, orthodontic treatments, whitenings, etc. i always want my teeth in tip top shape, and i also want to milk my excellent insurance for everything it's worth. i was literally falling asleep as the technician numbed me up, and afterward the dentist told me i was a super patient. (i'm super at everything else so this statement was no surprise.) b.h., on the other hand, is a little dental phobic. i saw him squirming around in the chair and squeezing his fists into balls, and all he was getting was a check up. what a maroon! oh, oh. i think i'd better go. it seems i'm beginning to drool on my keyboard.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

quiz answer

okay, first i'd like to thank you people who attempted to answer by not choosing one of the options provided. i hope you didn't utilize that strategy on your SATs. (well, not that your strategy mattered much according to recent news since it seems no one can accurately score them anway.) the answer is...drum roll please...a stylishly groomed guinea pig! who said you couldn't learn anything on my blog?

Saturday, April 08, 2006

quiz: what the hell is this?

a) the toupee i'm going to get b.h. once he loses all his hair

b) a stylishly groomed guinea pig

c) the only picture i could locate on the web that somewhat resembles the entity i just gleaned from the top of my Milton anthology

d) a prototype for a toilet scrubber that someone actually patented in the mid nineties (which, needless to say, never really caught on)

tune in tomorrow for the exciting answer!

conversation of the day

me: do you want another cup of coffee?

no, i'm already having palps.

me: well, i guess that's better than having polyps.

Friday, April 07, 2006

he's got the jimmy legs.

i usually go to bed way after bitter half retires for the evening. as i've mentioned before, i'm an insomniac so i'm usually wandering around the maxi pad for half the night watching TV, surfing the net, reading, or dreaming up ways to rule the galaxy. when i finally do go to bed, bitter half is usually hogging up the entire mattress so sometimes i gently but firmly tell him to scoot the hell over. other times i just give him a big, hearty shove. he also has a tendency to sleep with his arm over his eyes, and i've learned from experience that this is not healthy...for me. he tends to bring his elbow down into my eyes with destructive force and no warning. so after i've maneuvered him to his side of the bed, i go about rearranging his limbs. i bring his arms down to his side and put his legs flat (because they're often bent and this habit bothers me.) of course, none of this shoving, pulling, yanking, yelling, threatening, or jostling ever bothers him. he just keeps on a snorin'. man, that really irks me.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

if you have nothing to do with your time...

and have Google Earth, go see Eva Longoria from space. if you have something to do with your time or don't have Google Earth, i pity you.

see what i'm dealing with?

all of my coworkers think that Armageddon is a great movie. to make matters worse, each one has their TV turned to the crap channel that airs movies like Armageddon and is commenting every five seconds about how moving the damn movie is. in retaliation, i turned on The Simpsons and am considering turning the volume to the highest possible level. then, i'll just comment really loudly to myself about how Homer makes me happy.

this day totally blows.

literally. the West Texas wind is at it again. if you look outside, all you see is a brown haze thanks to the dirt saturating the air. to make matters worse, i was cursing the wind when i remembered that i'm supposed to graduate soon (at which time i will make my graceful exit to a place that is more green and less brown.) then, i tried registering for classes for next semester, and it seems Texas Tech has this tendency to not offer mandatory courses needed for graduation. now, i'm wondering how the hell i'm going to finish this sorry excuse for an education by next May. dammit.

American Idol update

i'll make it short and sweet. first, i'm pretty sure the producers just wrangled up the first hobo they saw who sported a white head of hair and a beard and asked him to pretend he was Kenny Rogers. that dude looked nothing like the ol' Kenny we all know and love! two, Mandisa was voted off because of her weight. Americans don't like fat people....not even fat Americans. i liked her, but there are others i like more so i'm not weeping tears of anguish. i mean it's not like Krispy Kreme quit making their blueberry donuts or anything.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

put me out of my misery.

i'm at work, and i have nothing to do. (yes, i'm complaining about no work at work.) i've already browsed the internet in its entirety, and if you're wondering how i accomplished such a fantastic feat, don't call me Superwoman just yet. i didn't visit the X-rated sites because i'm not looking to get fired here. once you eliminate those particular ones, only four remain (including my blog.) i think i'll have my remote controlled PT Cruiser drop off offensive notes to my coworkers.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

the big to doo doo list

i have approximately a billion things i need to do this month, and i'm having trouble keeping track so i'm generating a list.

1. April 4th- panic because i know there is something very important to be done on this day. then, realize the panic was probably unwarranted so go get a pack of mini donuts from the work vending machine as consolation for the negative emotions.

2. April 6th- register for some more boring classes. choose ones that are close together and late in the day in order to encourage laziness...even if they have nothing to do with either of my majors.

3. April 7th- get up early to buy tickets to yet another NIN show. use money allocated for bills and make a mental note to buy candles for when the electricity gets turned off.

4. April 11th- call the parental units and congratulate them on 36 years of marital blisters.

5. April 13th- due date for paper so i'd better go ahead and start on it.

6. April 14th- due date for major thesis paper over Paradise Lost so i'd better start reading it.

7. April 15th- drive by the nearest post office and laugh at the buffoons scrambling to get their taxes done on time while i bask in my (once in a lifetime) early worm glory.

8. sometime in April- file an intent to graduate since Texas Tech officials won't know i intend to graduate unless i specifically tell them. they may think i'm just attending in order to find good blog fodder for my own personal amusement.

9. sometime in April- post list of May goals by copying and pasting April's goals all over again since i have no intention of actually working to achieve them this month.

i think that list covers everything for now. i may add some more later as i think of more important tasks.

it's a record.

i've already failed one of this month's goals, and it's only four days into April. right this second i should be in my Deciphering Ancient Drivel class, but instead i'm stuffing my face with Chick-fil-a nuggets in the comfort of my own home. (which brings into question my goal of losing ten pounds, but i'll save that concern for another post.) i must be completely honest, too. i almost skipped Monday's classes which would have been really embarrasing to admit so i don't feel as bad as i should about waiting until Tuesday. (late Sunday night, i thought to myself, "maybe i'll sleep in tomorrow. i don't have anything important going on." then, i remembered i had a major final in my How to Make a McRib When Your Useless B.A. Can't Get You a Job class. i hadn't even glanced at my notes for this final either which makes me look like a poor student, i know.) nonetheless, i still have two goals to work on, and maybe i will not fail miserably on at least one.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Satan has invaded my computer.

either that or Blogger hates me. i keep getting errors and repeat posts. (and this time i'm not drunk so don't even start.) maybe i'm still asleep, and this whole thing is just an ugly nightmare. man, even my nightmares are boring. i need to get out more.

maybe i should have shame.

after i scarfed down an obscenely over-filled sammich and gargantuan slice of carrot cake for lunch today, my body decided to shut down in order to regenerate the organs that had started dying off due to mass consumption of fat and sugar. i know i weaned myself off the nap a few weeks ago, but dammit, i've been sick so i figured i could splurge. what a nap it was, too! it was all that it could have been and more. i awoke for a bit, but seeing as how it was still early, i decided to merely roll over and continue with my sweet slumber. when i finally awoke for good, i looked at the clock only to realize it was much later than i had thought. damn the time change. call me Rip Van Winkle because it seems i've been asleep for 20 years. so i wasted my day, ate enough calories to kill a mastadon, and am now tempted to skip the gym in order to go eat at Chili's with Golddigger. feel free to pretend you don't know me.

no shame

i know i can't sing, and i don't attempt to fool myself into thinking that i can. i also try not to bust bitter half's ear drums by singing loudly at home or within ear damage range. so where is the perfect place for me to belt out tunes like i'm the next American Idol reject? my car, of course. so today, on the way to class bright and shiny early, i turn on the radio (which is rare for me here in Lubbock since, as i've mentioned before, everything in Lubbock sucks.) right then, i heard a veritable blast from the past. so i'm singing Lil Troy's Wanna Be a Baller complete with fake mike and flamboyant thug gestures. i'm not the type of person who cares that other drivers are pointing and laughing because i know that they secretly desire my personal freedom. ahhhh. life is good.

i'm so sorry.

i just called my precious a p.o.s. because my caffeine corrupted self thought the five seconds it took him to power on was unacceptable. you always hurt the ones you love.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Hawaii stole our rain.

and we want it back! you've had a record 40 days of downpours while we West Texans have already forgotten what moisture looks like. how selfish can you be, Hawaii? you're already surrounded by a freakin' ocean! and your plants are green and lush year round. hell, even your damn coconuts have enough fluid inside them for use in case of emergency. what the hell do we have? here, the grass that hasn't caught fire has crumbled into an unrecognizable powder making this wasteland look like a desert. any vegetation that has miraculously survived is naturally spiny and withered anyway so no help there. we're bigger and badder, and we will go kick your ass if you don't straighten out. and don't try to beg us for mercy just because you're part of the U.S. you can be replaced. the Virgin Islands have been vying for your spot for years, you know.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

conversation of the day

i left work around 7:30 (after i finished watching The Real World: The Gauntlet II.) it's dark outside by then. well, for those of you who don't know, i'm a little night blind. so, on my way to visit my mom, i'm waiting to turn down her street, and this asshole gets out of the car behind me and knocks on my window.

me: yes?

asshole: are you okay?

me: yes. why?

asshole: you've been here a long time, and you haven't turned. there's been plenty of chances.

me: look, you asshole. i suffer from night blindness. i have trouble judging distances. i want to make sure i have enough room to turn because my Honda is worth more to me than your fucking time you piece of shit.

then i left him standing there while i turned.

when i got to my mom's house she asked me if i had seen my dad because he was on the way home from the grocery store. i told her i left him standing in the middle of the road.

just kidding. April Fool's. had you going, didn't i?

i need inner strength.

a customer called in today wanting to know if a technician accidentally took something from her house. this kind of thing happens, you know. sometimes a tech borrows a flashlight for example, and it ends up in his toolbox by mistake. this customer, however, was not calling about something of the sort. she said the tech took her pen. it must be a keepsake or a fancy schmancy one, right? nope. a plain ol' you-can-buy-me-anywhere, cheap, plastic pen. wtf?!?! the tech had one exactly like it so he must have mistaken hers for his. the only difference between the two was a number that i suppose distinguished the styles. his was a seven. she checked her box (that contained many other pens just like the one she was dying to have returned.) hers was a five. the tech asked if she really wanted him to drive across town to return a freakin' writing utensil. apparently she did want him to drive across town to return a freakin' writing utensil. i asked the technician if he called her a weirdo. he said no but only because he needs his job. i would have told her, "i got your pen right here, freak." but, that's just me.
back to top (you lazy bastard)