Friday, March 31, 2006

God said, "Let there be light."

rumours, rumours everywhere

so i've missed a couple of days of work this week because i was severely incapacitated by a chest cold. i return today to find my Dilbert cubicle entirely covered in post it notes. damn my useless coworkers. however, since the post it notes were mostly blue and pink, everyone thinks i'm preggers. then, i'm talking to a technician who asks me if i work at Babydolls, a strip joint here in town. it seems someone saw me dancing there. i must have a twin because i've been out of town or doped up on Nyquil for the past week. i think i'll just let these ridiculous ideas continue to circulate since my real life consists of a daily MickeyD's run and intermittent blogging. here's to my new pregnant, naked self!

was i wrong?

i saw a male student drinking a Fresca today so i kicked his can over and told him to quit being so gay. now i'm wondering if my actions were really warranted.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

April goals

i've decided to make a few attempts at bettering myself. i'm not sure why since i'm darn near perfect, but what the hell? so my major goal will be to lose 10 pounds. this one shouldn't be too hard now that i'm hitting the gym on a regular basis again. i may have to give up the Popeye's though. second, i plan to attend all of my classes. i'm not a big hooky player since i just goof off in class anyway, but i will make it a goal nonetheless. finally, i will do something different to my appearance. maybe i'll get a new do, pierce something, or start wearing Catholic school girl outfits. the details haven't been hammered out yet. i'll let you know how it goes.

call me crazy.

everyone knows i'm a procrastinator and a slacker, but since i'm a genius, i'm also a straight A student who breezes through school like Dubya breezes through tax dollars. but i need to be honest here. i'm burned out. i'm well done. i'm charred to a bloody crisp. and i'm sick of pretending to pay attention in class when i'm really only doing crossword puzzles or surfing the net on my precious. i count the minutes between holidays and was ready for a reprieve the Monday after i returned from Spring Break. yet i'm wondering if i should apply to graduate school. i'm not sure why either. i don't like school. i can't afford school. school is the reason i like Dogbert's antidepression medication idea. it's not like i'm trying to avoid entering the workplace because i already have a good paying full time job with fabulous benefits. i have no explanation for this ridiculous compulsion to keep going to school for eternity. i must be under the influence of some alien species who mocks my pitiful life by jerking the strings of control like a mad puppeteer. i must be hopeful that school can't get worse than this experience. i must be crazy.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

hee hee

the .5 star accommodations

true to my word, i have some pictures of my trip to Austin. first is one of tangerine dream living in the lap of luxury in the .5 star suite we were lucky to acquire.

we wanted to make sure we were safe in our temporary home so we needed a menacing weapon within stumbling distance.

"a little extreme?" you ask. why, not when you have valuables like these cassette tapes lying around.

they're practically antiques! of course, we needed some classy cups to party hardy so we hit the local HEB party aisle. mmm...tasty!

since we were all so grateful to our friend for letting us crash, i left a little surprise behind for our host to remember us by. yes, it's penis shaped soap. (aka the gift that keeps on giving.)

Monday, March 27, 2006

double vision

sorry about the repeat posts yesterday, but i was seeing double and thought you should too.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

i'm so responsible.

i have class bright and shiny early, a major paper due Tuesday (that i haven't even started), an entire book to read, a doctor's appointment on Monday, and the list goes on. the original plan was to leave Austin on Sunday afternoon so i could get a good night's rest and get an early start on Monday. what the hell am i doing? i'm drinking a Captain with a splash of Coke (after bitter half 86'd me at Chotchkie's.) i see myself never leaving this fucking town at this rate. remember the picture of me at 40? in case you repressed that particular memory, here is what i projected myself to look like at the age of forty:

(that shout out was for golddigger.) well, the way i'm drinking, i will look 40 by morning. just a warning for my peeps. sorry this post is a piece of shit (much like tangerine dream), but i've been drinking since noon.

words i heard this weekend...

that i never thought i'd hear again: crunk, cassette tape, Pabst Blue Ribbon. it's like a freakin' time warp up in this mo fo.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

i feel like i was hit by a truck.

just a quick post to let everyone know that i, along with b.h., his brother, and tangerine dream, am still alive. we saw an awesome show, and as always, we were up in a front row joe position in the pit. Trent was very social and hanging out among the crowd so of course i was smashed and squished beyond recognition. guitarists were jumping into the mayhem and everyone in attendance was very rowdy. at some point in the show, Trent threw a musical instrument into the crowd. "was it a guitar?" you ask. no, it was not. it was a fucking tambourine. yes, you read that part right. Trent threw his tambourine. and tangerine dream dove for that mo fo like a death row inmate diving for a hooker in a whore house. unfortunately, he did not score, but it was good times. i'd say more, but i'm pretty sure my arms will commit suicide if i keep trying to move.

Friday, March 24, 2006

i have no time management skills.

it's 1:30 at night. i still have to pack, add some color to my hairs, do a facial, and possibly go to the gym. instead, what am i doing? obviously, i'm blogging. my time management skills are non-existent. i'm sure everything will work out, though. i travel so much that my packing abilities surpass any other human's packing abilities. same thing goes for the hair coloring. i wanted to make sure and post, though, because i don't know if i will have access to the internet from Austin. i will be taking my digi cam however, and i will try to document my trip so i can blog all about it at a later time. don't cry too much while i'm gone, and feel free to leave comments telling me you are pining away without my lovely posts. i will be shopping, drinking, hanging out with Trent, showing everyone at a bachelorette party how it's done, and not thinking of you.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

American Idol update

creepy twelve year old got the boot. looks like the 30 millions people who read my blog daily finally heeded my words and quit voting for him. i can rest in peace knowing i did some good in this lifetime.

i couldn't agree more.

if you ever bother to read my quotes of the day, you may have noticed this one by Winston Churchill: "The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter." i try to avoid actual conversations with real people, but unfortunately i've overheard plenty. in fact, the other day i listened to a Texas Tech student wondering if Thomas Jefferson was "like an old, old, old president or something like that." now, i know Tech's entrance requirements are not as stringent as an Ivy League, but i think they're letting in just anyone who applies these days. all i have to say at this point is serenity now!!!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

things i need to do before i leave town

1. lose six hundred pounds. it will be hard to do, especially with MickeyDs and their scrumptious spicy chicken sammich, but i think i can do it.

2. decide on whether i am buying slutty or classy lingerie for my friend's bachlorette party. maybe i'll just get her a two dollar box of plastic wrap. she's hot so she can pull it off.

3. pack forty pieces of luggage for two and a half days of possible scenarios. 38 of those pieces will be designated for shoes only.

4. charge my laptop, my cell, my iPod, my digital camera, my portable DVD player, my video camera, my chargeable batteries... if it wasn't for my weasels, my housesitter would have nothing left to sit.

5. eat a snack.

6. beat my liver into submission. i don't know that i can handle two straight nights of heavy drinking anymore. i'm such a wuss.

7. tidy the Maxi pad. it's a wreck. i hate coming home to a dirty apartment.

8. make 600 sammiches for the road trip. i need something to tide me over between Jack in the Crack stops.

9. start at least one of the two major papers i have due immediately after returning. who am i kidding? i embrace my procrastinating personality.

10. burn some discs for the trip. with the tunes and the sammiches, it'll be like a party on wheels.

Monday, March 20, 2006

my gym visit in a nutshell

i braved the Satanic ab machine again. this time, i added five pounds and did an extra rep because i'm crazy like that, yo. i'll be crying this time tomorrow. i then did an extra twenty minutes of cardio to help burn off that entire bag of mini Twix i downed earlier today. (i also felt guilty enough about the Twix that i didn't even stop for my usual "after the gym" baby banana split from Sonic. i still have two Cadbury eggs here calling my name. i think i'll make an omelet in a sec.) also while at the gym, i saw someone with a number lock on their locker. you know, the kind that has three wheels that turn to a set number. well, i was busy moving all the wheels to 6-6-6 like the Pulp Fiction briefcase, but the cleaning lady caught me and gave me the evil eye for messing with other peoples' locks. i didn't want to bring any unnecessary attention to myself because then the staff might notice i only pay pennies for my membership. oh. and i also broke the butt blaster machine with my brute ass strength.

i guess i'll post again.

golddigger pointed out that i needed to post so, when she pulls up my blog, the picture of my future self doesn't pop up and scare the bejesus out of her. i explained that i had not posted because i like that picture and want all people who stumble across my blog to see it. i thought of never posting again. i thought of retiring from the hectic blog life. but, alas, i could not. i love my blog too much. i love its fall theme. i love its offensive nature. i love its NIN reminder. it embodies everything about me in one nice package.

speaking of NIN, it seems ol' Trent is still a touring fool. he has added more Texas dates, and you know what that means. i will be seeing him again in June when i travel to Dallas to bask in his glory for the 80th time. this time, however, i will see him at the Smirnoff like i did back in 2000 so i seriously doubt i'll score pit tix. a seat will probably be okay since i will still be in a full body cast from the Austin show that is in 3 days. there are shows in Houston and San Antonio, but i'm poor and tired. Dallas will have to do.

are you happy now, golddigger? i should put that pic on my profile. then you'll see it every time you visit. i'll make a mask and wear it every time we go out. i'll sign my e-mails with it. you'll dream about it after seeing it so much. nevermind. Days of our Lives just started, and i have priorities.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

me in 40 years

it's all fun and games until...

your abdominal muscles curl up into a fetal position and lose all ability to function. i used this Hammer Strength ab machine at the gym two freakin' days ago, and i still can't move. it hurts to laugh, cough, sneeze, bend, twist, or lie face down. i used to do 500 crunches a day, and i was never this sore. the weird thing about my situation is that whenever i laugh, i find the searing pain funny...which makes me laugh more. damn all my funny friends for starting this infinite loop of self torture!

on a (kind of) serious note

i am an avid reader. i love me some words. i don't have a lot of time to read books of my choice because i'm always reading the ones required for my school courses, but i try to squeeze some in on vacations, school breaks, or while i'm pretending to talk to people on the phone. since it seems that most of my blog readers are semi-intelligent, i thought i'd take suggestions for reading material. i'm not looking for just something good. i want to hear about your favorites. i'm hoping for classics, but if you're absolutely convinced a contemporary book is a must read, let me know. i love all genres, writing styles, subject matters, etc. thanks in advance!

just an idea

Lance "i kick everyone's ass" Armstrong should sue every charity that sells plastic wristbands to raise money. it was his genius idea, and other do gooders are totally cashing in. if he did sue, he'd raise plenty of money for his testicle tirades. it's just an idea.

American Idol update

it appears that the American public is both deaf and blind. that little perv is still on the damn show. he wasn't even in the bottom three which proves my point that no one can see his creepiness or hear his unskilled voice. who the hell is voting for that loser? when Ace and chicken little were told that one of them was safe and the other was in the bottom three, i had a sneaking suspicion that the granny vote saved that pathetic bastard, and i was right. did you hear the audience boo for six straight hours when Ace was called? i did. Lisa should not have been there either. she's young, beautiful, and talented. people are jealous which is the only explanation i could find that would allow this travesty. no one booed when Melissa was told she was in the bottom three because she belonged there. her cleavage alone, however, should have kept her around until the next round. her boobs get my vote. if you're one of the assholes who keeps voting for that twelve year old dickwad, i hope you die a slow and unnecessarily painful death before the next show. i hope you fall in a cauldron of boiling raw sewage and then you and the cauldron are shoved off a cliff and left to die with all the other panty-waists who keep voting for that nerd.

Friday, March 17, 2006

happy St. Patty's Day

hope everyone is crying in their green beer by midnight. i, however, will not be among the jolly Irish today. i have a history of bad luck on this holiday. i won't share the details, but let me just tell you that this history involves drinking, alleged vandalism, drinking, a vehicle afire, drinking, some fire trucks, drinking, the police, drinking, someone trying to kick down my door, drinking, more police, and drinking...all in the same evening. now, i just paint my middle fingernail green so when people ask me, "where's your green," i just flip 'em the bird and say, "i've got you're green right here, asshole."

why does Lubbock suck so bad?

i can go on and on. seems Texas Tech lost the presidential library bid. haven't checked all the details because i've been away from my computer for most of the week, but i'm pretty sure it's because Lubbock sucks. this lack of a presidential library only makes it suck more. on the advice of tangerine dream, i Googled "why does Lubbock suck so bad?" and to my surprise, i didn't get a specific response. i was sure my blog would immediately pull up since it has a plethora of examples of why Lubbock is the armpit of the nation, but it didn't. i guess, until a president with an armpit fetish comes along, Lubbock will not be getting any new libraries to waste gazillions of tax dollars on.

morning conversation

me: Calgon take me away!

tangerine dream: deal with it! whatever hell you're going through, i'm sure you deserve it...10 fold.

me: i'm glad i have such a caring family. fuck off!

td: congratulations. you've just earned 14 more points toward an all expense paid trip to hell. >:->

me: is that all?

td: considering Hitler only accrued 6 his WHOLE life, i wouldn't beat myself up over it.

me: Hitler only got 6 for trying to exterminate an entire race, and i get 14 for telling you to fuck off? what if i call you a fuck face, fuck face?

td: i'm going to have to check the rule book on that one. not sure if it qualifies for any substantial pointage.

me: that totally bites. i'm always up for a free trip.

td: sorry. i suppose Vegas will have to suffice.

me: plus i can rack up lots of Hell points there!

td: true dat!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

damn lack of time traveling device

okay, so the day of training wasn't as bad as i had pictured it would actually be. i decided not to wear the fake "paying attention" expression so i think my trainer was unsure of my abilities until i assured him between my incessant text messaging that i was, in fact, learning a lot from him. unfortunately, i also had to do a lot of meet and greet type introductions which blew big time. i don't want to meet, and i sure don't want to greet. but what are you going to do, right? i hope i survive the next three days.

Monday, March 13, 2006

open sesame

i usually blog at work, but seeing as how i am in training this week, i will blog early in the morn today. i'm not looking forward to this coming training session for several reasons. first, i have the attention span of a fruit fly so i will be wearing a fake "yes, i'm actually listening to you intently" expression for the next four days. second, i must watch my sailor-like language. i won't be in my usual office building so i need to appear somewhat professional in front of a bunch of people i probably can't stand. i wouldn't want everyone to think i'm a crazy purple and blue haired freak after all. (and in case you're a total numbskull, i dyed my hair purple and blue this weekend. it rocks.) finally, i do get to see some rarely seen friends, but seeing as how i don't like my friends, this perk really isn't a perk at all. where's a wormhole when i need one to hurl me four days into the future?

my Spring Break

well, it's here. that one week reprieve when most people are doing fun and exciting things with beer bongs, nudity, and sandy beaches. the highlight of my week, however, was this morning when i didn't get out of bed until noon. the rest of my break will be spent working from morning until night in preparation for more responsibilities to shirk. maybe later today, i will run around my apartment complex topless with a bucket of sand asking my neighbors if they want to drink out of a beer bong with me. i'll let you know how that activity goes.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

why i have no friends

this conversation took place last night at the bar after b.h.'s friend and i were drinking some Colorado bulldogs we had just ordered:

me: man, i haven't had one of these since i was a kid! this is delicious.

(dude gives me a look of shock and dismay.)

me: what?

Saturday, March 11, 2006

gym soap operas

yesterday, as i walked into the gym dressing room to lock up my valuables, i heard the cleaning lady's walkie talkie. no one else was in the dressing room that i could see so i'm sure she didn't see me by the lockers. (this gym is super ritzy and the dressing room is about ten times the size of my humble abode with five rooms to house the locker, bathroom, shower, dressing, and sauna areas.) anyway, i hear a male voice on the other end of the radio saying things like, "i love you, baby. i would never do that to you. i was home. i promise." by now, i'm rolling my eyes in disgust to i slam my locker to make the menial worker aware of my presence. she doesn't reply to the man- probably because i'm there. so he continues with his load of crap. "you mean the world to me. you're my life. i'd die without you." i decided to go look for her to remind her the walkie talkies were for the professional staff to call her when the 300 pound man vomited as he exerted himself trying to climb onto the stair climber, but i guess she was hiding so i left. later, as i'm sweating and watching VH1, i see a cleaning woman being followed by a cleaning man, and i wonder if they are the soap opera participants. i don't pay a billion dollars a month to attend a gym and hear unimportant peoples' sob stories. (okay, i don't pay the billion dollars because i'm hot, but these unimportant people don't know that fact.) i guess i'll have to start wearing my iPod the second i enter the gym so i don't have to hear about the cheating janitor and his dumb girlfriend.

Friday, March 10, 2006

for my brother

i haven't seen this particular movie, but i hear it's really scary. to be honest i'm already terrified, and here's why. if you look at the tag line of the movie, the grammar makes absolutely no sense: "HEAVEN HELP US ALL WHEN THE DEVIL'S RAIN." is it supposed to be a play on words by substituting rain for reign? if so, why the apostrophe as if the devil owns the rain because that would nullify the play on words. if the rest of this movie uses equally horrendous grammar, then i'd better get ready to sleep with the lights on.

i don't get enough hate mail.

yes, that's right. obviously, i'm not offending the right people. my usual targets are dumb and/or ugly people. i guess the dumb folks i'm writing and talking about are too moronic to realize i'm insulting their pathetic intelligence (or lack thereof.) i'm assuming the ugly people are cowering in shame somewhere and not able to retort. so i'm looking for new quarries of which i'm sure there will be an abundance. stay tuned.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

American Idol update

i can't believe that chicken little fucker is still on the damn show. he stole Gedeon's place among the top twelve. i have to say that i do admire Gedeon's good natured attitude as he was shafted, however. his faith in God is refreshing to see in someone so young even if his smile is one that belongs to a maniacal murderer. and although i think Melissa McGhee should have been shoved out the door instead of Ayla, i was happy to see Ayla break under the burden of failure. up until now this woman has succeeded in everything. she's a straight A student, star basketball player, six feet tall, model good looks, blah, blah, blah. as she stood there with an assurance that she would not be the contestant to go, i wondered how she'd handle it if she was the one given the boot. as expected of someone who has never done poorly at anything, she caved like my will power around a bag of M&Ms. and like with the M&Ms, i took great pleasure in it.


1. b.h. gave me a roll of quarters to do laundry, and i have been using them to score treats from the vending machine at work instead.

2. i've also just bought some new clothes since i don't have the quarters to wash mine.

3. i told myself i wouldn't get behind on Paradise Lost after my Milton midterm, but i've only read the first page so far. i'm pretty sure my plan of catching up during the break will be futile because i plan to spend it completely and utterly drunk.

3. i will be off of work this Saturday for the first time in years, and i don't know what to do with myself. i may make up an excuse to come to work just so i don't die of boredom. maybe i'll come in to clean poor Monica's fish tank seeing as how it's been years since i've done that, too.

the results are in...

and i'm a genius. not only does my Milton professor admittedly grade harshly, but i had not cracked either of the enormous text books until a mere day before my essay midterm. nonetheless, i aced it as i always do so all is right with the world.

the final countdown(s)

-2 weeks until i am stalking Trent Reznor by the tour bus before the show

-1 day left of ridiculously boring and monotonous classes until Spring Break starts

-2 hours until losers start getting voted off of American Idol while i laugh and point at their self loathing tears

-5 minutes until a coworker comes and stabs me in the throat because my cell phone keeps ringing every 2 seconds

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

get ready to gag.

bitter half brought me a sammich for lunch because i started my new schedule this week, and i don't have time to eat. plus he gave me a cookie. then, to top it all off, he gave me a surprise gift certificate to a day spa here in town for a facial, a body treatment, and some chocolate covered strawberries. perhaps he's not so bitter after all...

p.s. after you're done gagging due to b.h.'s acts of kindness, don't forget to feel envy, jealousy, and resentment for my lucky lot. i flaunt it in your face. i parade in my glory. i relish in my spa freedom. (now picture me laughing in an evil manner to top it all off.)

conversation of the day

technician: the cust has a pig.

me: a pig?

tech: yeah. a pot bellied pig.

me: is it cute, or is it gross?

tech: well, i don't know if it's cute. i've never seen a pig before except on my sammich. i guess it's cute.

me: how sad! i hope he didn't hear you.

tech: or with a side of eggs...maybe some toast...

me: run, piggie, run!!!

i am not an animal!!!

well, maybe i am. i just sent my boss an e-mail telling her i need breaks to forage for food.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

waking up the neighborhood

i decided to wake up everyone in a 30 mile radius by blaring some old school Ministry at volume level 4000. am i worried about getting kicked out of my humble abode? nah. i've lived here since the Mesozoic era when the dinosaurs roamed free so i don't think i'm going anywere. besides my long term residency, my neighbors are pretty much too afraid to report me. most of them are transient anyway. apparently, the couple on my left have lived there for quite some time, though. i only know this fact because they approached b.h. and me a while back to visit when we ran into them at a store. after they left, i asked b.h. who they were to which he replied that they were our neighbors of over a year. oops. the guy who lives below me, Crotch-tastic, blares his butt rock at all hours so he can't throw stones. (by the way, butt rock means old rock like AC/DC, etc. b.h. calls it butt rock. i'm not sure why. i guess because he uses it to wipe his ass. take it up with him if you still live in the 80s.) there's no point to this post. i just thought i'd waste more of my morning.

excuses, excuses

i haven't been blogging because:

1. Tangerine Dream was visiting this weekend so i did the family thing. (for those of you who don't know, the family thing means drinking, fanny waggling, more drinking, pointing and laughing, hanging out with the Parental Units, purposely infuriating the male Unit, playing with the nieces and nephews, etc.)

2. i was hanging out in a germ infested family themed restaurant where i pushed old ladies to get out of my way when i ran screaming from the creepy clown handing out his demonic balloons, kicked booty in ski ball, and was almost able to tell Nippleback members they are gay and suck ass.

3. i then caught a stomach bug from the aforementioned germ infested family themed restaurant. either that or Tangerine Dream's face gave me the diarrheas as usual.

4. i forgot to fill out my FAFSA. for those of you uneducated buffoons, that little form is the one that judges your financial aid fate. i wasn't too worried, however. apparently, b.h. makes way too much money for the government to give us any more. damn stingy government.

5. i already forgot what the hell my freakin' post topic was supposed to be. now, i'm just typing things at random.

6. b.h. ordered frog legs from a local restaurant last night. i was too sick to actually eat any myself. he said they were delicious. i wonder what they do with the body and head since those aren't served. and what about the little front arms? hmmm.

7. i've totally wasted my morning! damn you, blog. i wanted to go shopping before class. see what you've done?

Saturday, March 04, 2006

shut the fuck up already, Eminem.

i, along with everyone else with functioning ears, am sick of hearing you sing about your daughter. we get it. you're a shitty dad. she's going to hate your guts when she grows up. it's easier for you to sing about the problem rather than exert some real effort to try to fix it. fucking get over it, and sing about something else or shut the hell up.

love story

is it pathetic that i find this picture cute?

also, if you check out the website it came from, stuff on my, you'll get a chuckle, a chortle, and perhaps a giggle.

things that make you go, "wtf?!?!"

since i keep diligent track of my visitors, i know what keywords are most often used when people find my blog. the most prevalent phrase i see is 'a tale told by an idiot signifying nothing' or a variation thereof. however, i saw an interesting one the other day. it was 'George Costanza birth to death in reverse order baby die.' i'm not even sure what that means much less why someone would Google it. any ideas?

Thursday, March 02, 2006

American Idol update

okay, one of my many guilty pleasures is American Idol because i'm big on breaking the ten commandments, and that irreverance includes idolatry. so who are my favorites so far this year? let me say that i love that grey haired dude! i liked him when i first heard his quirky style, but what really made me love him was when i heard him wailing on the harmonica (which is one of two instruments i wish i had also learned how to play.) i like Ace too because he's hot. Kevin has to go. his baby face doesn't make me give him cutesy points like everyone else does. in fact, he sometimes makes me want to barf. for the girls, i really like Paris and Mandisa. Lisa is okay, too. all of the other girls need to give up their stage time to Ace. he doesn't even have to sing. he can just stand his underwear...

mystery hangover

i woke up this morning tired, sore, and unfocused. when i went outside, the glaring rays of the sun burned my retinas even with my sunglasses on. i'm moving like a turtle today, too. it almost feels like i spent last night drinking my liver into an early failure, but i had no alcohol, drugs, or anything of the sort. so, after much contemplation, i figured out that i had an overdose of emotion yesterday. normally, i only experience one emotion at a time. that way, if someone is mean to me, it only hurts my one feeling instead of many feelings. (it's a defense mechanism.) also, the one feeling i usually have generally comes from the negative half of the emotional spectrum. so when i felt so many positive feelings yesterday, i think my body began to shut down organ by organ. i know what will make me feel better. let me go yell demeaning things at people in my office...

random news

Girdles Popular Among Japanese Men

it seems that men in Japan are succumbing to the fried food affair, and as a result, their waist lines are expanding. soon, they will look as hideous and disgusting as the average American. since all Japanese are geniuses, they have taken it upon themselves to simply employ ridiculously tight undergarments to mash their repulsive guts into submission rather than to change their eating habits. now, that's what i call an answer to a growing problem.

Boy Sticks Gum on $1.5 Million Mueseum Painting

wtf?!?! have we just given up on teaching kids to respect the arts in this country? stick your filthy, germy gum under the desk like a normal 12 year old. it's okay to desecrate school property. this whole damn country needs an eye opening when kids aren't learning the right way to trash things that don't belong to them.

Lethal Bird Flu Strain Could Reach U.S. Flocks Soon

great. now, i have to add "pandemic planning" to my already long list of things to do. son of a bitch.

back to top (you lazy bastard)