Wednesday, May 31, 2006

people have way too much time on their hands

but i'm not one of those people. so instead of posting, i'm showing a little vid created by someone with too little to do.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

rum fixes everything.

problem: company is coming to stay with me today and arrives in an hour. i'm grouchy and not in the mood to be friendly.

solution: rum in my coffee.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

it takes an act of God to see a freakin' movie in this town.

well i went to go see the mutants last night, but things in this crummy little town are always jacked. the bitter half and i arrive at the theater an hour early to ensure prime seats for our viewing pleasure. right as we pull into an unusually good parking spot, a guy walks up to b.h.'s window. if it had been my window, i would have ignored the movie-goer, but seeing as how b.h. is not as disgusted by people as i am, he sees what the guy wants. apparently, the movie theater lost power and kicked everyone out (some in mid-movie.) wtf?!?! i want to see some mutants, dammit! there's no estimated time of repair. we decide to go get some dessert and then try again later. upon our return, there is still no power. i must see this movie because i will be busy for the next few days. (tangerine dream's incessant gloating via text message about already seeing the movie isn't helping matters.) we stick around until we see some dim flickers of light and then make a bee line for the front entrance. this theater is run by a bunch of yahoos who can't tell the mob waiting outside if the they're even going to let anyone back in for the evening. so we wait. we chit chat with other movie goers and make friends with a Lubbsuck cop. (he's actually pretty cool and encouraging mob mentality due to the lack of free popcorn in such a crisis.) about a millennium later, we're allowed into the theater so bitter half and i trade our early tickets for late ones. the previews are almost over and the movie is almost starting when the damn power goes out again. wtf?!?! we wait. a minimum wage movie worker orders us to exit because no one knows when this damn theater is getting its shit together. we don't leave because we're tired of fighting crowds. when the theater is empty, the power starts back up. it's like we're in some sadistic science experiment. people are running back in to get seated, and the trailers are showing again. it's now eleven o'clock. the previews stop and a weird Microsoft screen pops up. again, a bunch of dumbasses leave, but we are patient. we know the mutants are coming. sure enough, it starts and the morons who left are filing back in. fuckers. we finally see the movie. it was okay.

Friday, May 26, 2006

the mutants are coming!

and i didn't even do my hair.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

succumbing to peer pressure

it seems i got tagged for a meme. normally, i would ignore said tag and go about my business, but since i'm not taking any classes during the first summer term, i have no business to go about. so here goes.

5 things in my fridge:
well i'm not at home so i will be listing 5 things in the fridge in my office. be afraid. who knows what might lurk in a fridge the cleaning ladies only empty when the they hear something moving inside.

1. a bottle of ranch dressing with someone's name on it- that person hasn't worked here in over a year.

2. 8 lbs of beef patties

3. an almost empty box of Arm and Hammer

4. 3 tubs of mustard potato salad

5. a weird mildewy smell

5 things in my purse:
1. my iPod- because i head to the gym straight after work every day, i must have my trusty iTunes with me. if i don't, i may resort to just curling up on the treadmill and napping.

2. my flannel- i've had it so long that i'm pretty sure i wore it in the womb. i don't go anywhere without it because i'm always cold. (and, yes, my purse is the size of a mid-sized family car.)

3. my asthma inhaler- i might as well have a pocket protector and tape on my glasses, i know.

4. Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand- i've been trying to get through this novel for the past fifty years, but something always comes up. i will get through it this summer even if i have to lie about it.

5. credit cards- i love the plastic.

5 things in my closet-
1. a cupcake pink wig- for when my neon red hair isn't appropriate.

2. a stuffed crocodile- the first thing anyone ever won for me at the fair. i picked him because he looks vicious.

3. 50,000 pairs of shoes- if i had a bigger closet, i'd have more.

4. faux leather pants- don't ask.

5. board games- i love board games!

5 things in my car-
1. a bottle of water- that is probably boiling in this hundred degree weather.

2. hair clips- i have such massive quantities of hair that i cannot live long without a hair clip so i keep one handy at all times.

3. freeze dried corn- it's toddler food, and somehow it was left in my vehicle. they're really tasty, too.

4. gym bag

5. sunglasses- don't get me started on my co-dependent relationship with sunglasses. i always have a spare because you never know when you will lose them in a drunken rampage.

well, i'm supposed to tag 5 more peeps, but i'm lazy. if you want to do the meme, please do. then leave me a comment. if you don't, i don't blame you.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006


even people on the internet frustrate me.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

i hate my friends.

bitter half is very social. he has friends every freakin' place we go. you may think i exaggerate, but trust me. even if we're in a different city, he knows someone. in the very rare and possibly miraculous instance that he doesn't, he makes a friend by talking to someone. he's my complete opposite. i hate everyone, and i don't want to make new friends. when i don't know anyone somewhere, i'm grateful because then i don't have to make idle chit chat. i'm happy at home, and i generally only enjoy socializing when i'm out of town. oddly enough, however, and despite all my efforts, i make friends easily. people gravitate towards me, and somehow my bitter and spiteful attitude is embraced. last year, when family issues and stress at home and school tried to do me in, i pretty much cut my friends out of my life. it was them or me, and i obviously chose me. now i'm wondering if i should quit being such a loner bitch. i joined a blogging community (which you may have noticed is causing more comments than usual.) however, some people may feel that an online community is not really socializing seeing as how i can do it while eating cereal out of the box and watching Law and Order from the corner of my eye. so i'm going to start calling my friends. where do i start? should i contact the ones i've alienated the longest? or, maybe i should begin with the ones i "like" best. perhaps alphabetic order is the way to go. better yet, i have a friend coming from out of town to stay with me this week so maybe that's enough socializing, and i can put this chore off another month. i think this last option sounds best. back to blog surfing it is!

Monday, May 22, 2006

i love my dead, gay son.

i couldn't sleep last night. (much like tonight which explains the 2AM blogging.) so i decided to see if any good movies were on, and i saw Heathers. i haven't seen it in forever so i decided to tune in, and i must admit that it has some great moments:

1. when Heather's final word is "CornNuts"- classic! i hope mine is sammich.

2. when the hippie teacher claims that "whether or not a teenager decides to kill themselves is the biggest decision of their life"- and she was the most normal instructor at that damn school.

3. "i love my dead, gay son."- i hope someone stands up at my funeral and says something equally ridiculous... and i hope they use a heavy Texan accent while they're at it.

4. all the teachers smoking in the office- you can't do that anymore. this world is going to shit.

5.using a missed vocabulary word in a forged suicide note to signify failure at school- perfect

i'm going to go see if i can find another movie to keep me busy tonight. if not, i'll be back to blog some more.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

oh no!

this blog is by no means a political one, and i haven't commented on the recent illegal immigration crackdown because i really don't give a shit about it. but today as i was daydreaming thinking, i realized that the fewer immigrants here in the U.S., the lower my chances are of finding a non-English speaking hunk to become my man-slave. damn it. well, maybe i'll find one on the cruise i plan to take next year after i graduate from this God forsaken school known as Texas Tech.

how to land a rich guy

i don't usually announce the keywords that bring people to my blog, but this one's interesting. someone found me by looking up "how to be a gold digger and find a benefactor." if you're looking it up in Google, you probably don't have what it takes. maybe i'm wrong. maybe you can learn it. i'm no expert, but i've dated many guys with money so here's my advice should you stumble back by in your search. first of all, if you don't have cash, use a credit card and charge some clothes and a makeover. then, go hang out at ritzy places. look around for guys with platinum cards, big flashy cars, and an ego to match. then make eye contact. the rest happens naturally. good luck! (p.s. you may only want to try to attract a young hottie, but remember the older they are, the sooner it'll all be yours. just ask Anna Nicole.)

for you dance challenged:

here's a little vid for you to pick up some dance tips. i know at least one of my readers will find this useful (and you know who you are!) but everyone can learn a move or two for the next time their at an alternative club. you win points for watching the whole thing, but the points are worthless so watch as much as you can stomach.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

i'm so bored...

my body is beginning to mutate just so it'll have something to do. i can feel it.

Friday, May 19, 2006

i'd like some lung cancer with a side order of emphysema, please.

i quit smoking years ago, and now i only indulge when i'm heavily drinking. sometimes when i'm really stressed i buy a pack, but that's only every once in a while. (and the entire year of 2005, but that's another post altogether.) here lately i've been stress free. the biggest decision i've had to make was whether to use the Frozen Lemon Custard or Powdered Sugar Cookie bath gel sample that Sephora graciously sent me. my biggest worry is if i have enough time to stop at Sonic for a big ass iced tea before work. i even made it through finals without a smoky treat, and yet i've been craving one for about a week now. wtf?!?! should i give in to the lovely, lung blackening goody, or should i grit my teeth and forego the delicious stick of joy? the weirdest thing is that i crave them most at the gym when i'm on the treadmill, and i'm pretty sure that wouldn't go over well with the health freaks there. i'll ponder it for another day, but if i still want one tomorrow, i'm hitting the smoke shop first thing in the morning.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

things that are not good ideas.

1. attaching my credit card to iTunes- maybe this concept is an okay idea for culturally deprived individuals like my neighbor, Crotchtastic, who only listens to the butt rock, but for someone like myself who lives and breathes music, it's one fucking awful idea. i think i just bought every song ever created.

2. creating a toilet that is 3 inches tall- i wasn't the braniac who did this one, but i have to occasionally suffer because of it. there are two restrooms in my office, and the one down the hall has toilets that are damn near flush (pun intended) with the ground. wtf?!?! your legs should not be parallel with the floor when you're peeing. it's not natural.

3. making homemade ice cream when you're on a diet- i know this idea is as bad as they come, but i'm still considering busting out the ice cream maker this weekend. it's a dumbass move on my part, but i'll probably do it anyway.

4. starting shit with me today- i'm grouchy for no reason whatsoever. the fact that i work with a bunch of fucktards doesn't help. i'm such a hater.

the looney bin

does anyone else think that Pat Robertston is the craziest s.o.b. in America right now?

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

for a lazy bum, i'm awesome!!!

just look at these grades or, as i like to call them, masterpieces. marvel at the wonder that is my brain!!!

yelling the f-word at the toy store

if you're a parent you know that boys are late bloomers when it comes to learning. (i'm not a parent, but my sister the golddigger has 50 kids so i can speak on the subject.) they learn to walk and talk at a later age than us much superior girls. i learned today that my two year old nephew, who is just now learning to string words together, has learned a new and exciting word. it's my favorite word. yes, folks, it's the f word. however, he isn't trying to be cool like his awesome aunt. he's merely attempting to say the word truck, but he isn't very good at enunciating yet. that's okay. there's plenty of time for censorship when he gets older. i'm thinking his new skill deserves a trip to the toy store where we will hang out in the toy truck aisle indefinitely. he can point at the trucks and yell 'fuck!' all he wants. we'll give the WASPs something to gawk at and flee from. we'll even make an afternoon of it. i hope he doesn't learn the correct word before i can take him on his first offensive outing.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

i'm such a freakin' retard.

i lost the key to my mailbox a few weeks ago so naturally i just clam up about it rather than admit to my landlady that i'm a buffoon. today i try to catch the mailman while he was depositing mail so i could nonchalantly reach in and grab the 60 thousand catalogues and 18 million letters that i'm sure are crammed, stuffed, folded, and shoved into the 1 inch by 1 inch slot. needless to say, i miss him. so on my way to work, i check my North Face pockets again- the same ones i've checked daily since i misplaced the damn key, and guess what i find. of course, it's the key. where the hell has it been hiding for the past 4 weeks? it's not like the pockets are enormous. i'd say they're average, but i guess there is a portal to another dimension in my North Face pocket lining where keys go to have one night stands with other keys...or in my key's case, multiple one night stands. after work i race home to get my mail, and sure enough there is a ridiculous amount of crap in there. i quit counting at 40. i can't believe someone with a 4.0 average cannot keep track of a damn key to save her life. now that i'm thinking about it, what did i do with that key after i retrieved the mail? damn it.

"the project"

i have so much to be doing this summer such as writing, submitting, working, going to the gym, etc. instead, i have decided to shirk those responsibilities and do something completely frivolous. i will be redesigning my blog. so if you happen to stumble in and see it looking as if it's committing suicide, do not fret. it is merely under construction. when all is said and done, it will be the biggest, baddest, tastiest mo fo that ever existed in the blog universe.

the fine print: as the dictator of this blog, i reserve the right to cancel this project at any time should it become tedious, boring, difficult, or a sentient being that is bent on murdering it's dictator. if you don't like the changes you see, please go visit some other blogs, and i'm sure your mind will change abruptly. if you have suggestions for changes you'd like to see, feel free to share them, but don't cry like a little schoolgirl when i mock them openly. and finally, if at the end of the summer all i've managed to change is the background color, i still expect lavish praise and comment kudos. ta ta.

Monday, May 15, 2006

i'm a hermit.

it's hard to blog about interesting stuff when you've become a hermit. i refuse to leave my house. i refuse, i say!!! no one can make me. i guess i can write about how the militant dental technician was cleaning bitter half's teeth so vigorously that she popped off his crown. Or, maybe i can blog about how i watched Law and Order all day instead of doing anything even remotely productive. you probably don't care about either of those things. so i leave you with a cartoon which i think says it all.

the truth

i just ate ice cream for breakfast, and i don't even like ice cream. i'm thinking of eating left over pizza for dessert.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Friday, May 12, 2006

i think i may just have to kick an old lady in the shins.

this lady who works in the same office building as i do keeps harassing Robert Plant! (that's my ivy for those of you who aren't in the know.) the other day when i came to work, i noticed a pile of leaves under him. i thought this odd because some of the leaves weren't dead but just a little yellowed. they were also very neatly arranged, but i assumed he must have just shed them naturally. then, the crazy lady comes in and tells me that she watered and groomed Robert. wtf?!?! did i ask her to do this task? was she even given permission to enter my Dilbert cubicle? who appointed her the role of ivy plant police? because i was taught to respect my elders, i let it slide. then yesterday she came in again and started chiding me for not watering him. he's my freakin' plant! if i want to withhold his sustenance for my own sadomasochistic reasons, that's my call. i was entrusted with Robert Plant when his first owner moved to some backwoods, in-bred state, and i've managed to keep him alive for over a year without the plant trooper patrol. perhaps i'll forego the shin kicking and resort to an elaborate booby trap. that way i can avoid working and discourage her shenanigans in one fell swoop.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

American Idol update

well Chris the rocker got the boot in an episode that probably cost the betting segment a lot of money. as the projected winner, i figure people didn't bother to vote for him thinking he'd be fine without their vote. of course, the brilliant American public doesn't realize that a lot of single votes add up. so as he's standing there with creepy Katherine, both of them know in their heart of hearts that it's her that's going home. when Ryan announces the real loser, Katherine's mouth drops open and Chris stands there waiting for the 'just kidding' line. he's probably at home still waiting for it. i have to say that i'm a little disappointed in the final three, but who gives a shit, right? after Elliott's performance on Tuesday, he's clearly in a league all of his own, but i don't think he'll win it. i really don't give a crap who wins now. they can all go to hell.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

you know what i could go for right now?

a Reuben sammich- marble rye bread with corned beef and Swiss cheese and sauerkraut. i bet i could eat five right now, and i haven't even been smoking the reefer.

my plans are dashed again

i had expected to rise and shine early in the morn, wake the neighborhood with some Pitchshifter, and do laundry, but i stayed up late reading so i squeezed in some shut eye instead. when i finally did get up at ten, i figured i'd head to work early and do laundry tonight. then i remembered that i downloaded the new Chili Peppers yesterday, and i never had time to give it a much deserved listen so i burned some discs and blared those for the neighbors. let me just say, it is a great double album. (did we expect less, really?) it's as wacky, entertaining, and catchy as always. if you don't own Stadium Arcadium right this second, i suggest you drop whatever menial and pointless task you are preoccupying your time with, drive at break-neck speed to your nearest retailer, shell out your hard earned money, and begin listening immediately. you'll thank me later.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

meet my Dilbert cubicle

well, here's the infamous cell. it's exactly as i've always described it, right? there's my TV where i whittle away the hours watching Seinfeld or Law and Order. there's the computer from which i blog. notice the monstrous Sonic cup from which i daintily sip tea all day long. if you squint and cock your head to the left, you can see my little PT Cruiser on a shelf. (see? i'm not the liar that you think i am. i generally speak the truth.) say hi to Monica the frog and Gary the snail in the lower right hand corner by my keys. you can't see Roger Plant the ivy because he's out of the frame, but feel free to say hi to him, too. it's not too bad sitting in the cubicle, really. i have a back massager that was kindly provided by my bitter half. with the TV, internet access, plant, and pets, it's kind of pleasant actually.


Monday, May 08, 2006


i'm done with this semester. i took my last final today, and i just turned in my last major essay. well, actually, i have another exam tomorrow, but i'm not even going to bother. i have an A without even taking the damn thing. i had an A for the course i just finished, too, but that instructor made us go take the final anyay. damn her. and the weird thing is that i didn't register for both summer terms like i always do. usually i just keep right on a learnin', but this time, i am off until July. i don't know what to do with myself for a whole month and a half. i'll tell you what i won't miss, though- weird people on the bus. today i overheard two girls talking while i was haphazardly looking over my notes. one girl was conversing in such a high pitched, shrill voice that she didn't even sound human. she was some alien being conducting studies on mindless Texas Tech students. the conversation went something like this:

girl A: my poli sci final is the one i'm worried about.


girl A: i know! i heard that, too.


girl A: you can say that again

(at which point i'm praying that she doesn't because i'll need that second ear drum.)


that's about the time i exited. man, this month and a half is going to be heaven.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

choose your own adventure

remember those? if you don't, here's a quick run down. choose your own adventure books let you decide where the action takes you. when a major character has to decide whether or not to enter the haunted house or run away screaming and wetting his pants, you decide. you then turn to the page that tells you the results of your decision. get it? so here's my version using last night's scenario:

bitter half was out of town, and i left work around eight. there was a big De La Hoya fight on, and i knew of several parties to attend. however, feeling lonely, i thought of just staying home and sulking. what should i do? to choose wayward debauchery, go to section A. to choose quiet contemplation, go to section B.

section A
i decided to head to my friend's house where the beer and fattening food ran aplenty which means i fell off both my wagons. (not to mention my chair in a drunken stupor...) De La Hoya won so i laughed and pointed at my hostess while she cursed profanely. then, i did a bunch of stuff i don't remember.

section B
i sulked and watch some Law and Order. then, i did a little half ass blogging. knowing i'd never get through the night without bitter half home, i popped a pill. (the natural, herbal kind because i'm old and pathetic.) i was asleep by midnight.

i'll let you figure out which one is the truth. those of you who know me quite well will probably figure it out easily, but just so no one feels like a dumbass- i've done both of these at some point in time so everyone's a winner!

Saturday, May 06, 2006


stop reading my blog.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Milton, you blind bastard

well i got up at five this morning in order to go take my Milton exam at the butt crack of dawn. needless to say, i'm sure i did well, but i don't think it was an A test. it was too early in the morning to write essays, recognize and discuss spot quotations, and analyze sonnets. most of us arrived early with a couple of people showing up during the first five minutes. (we can cut them some slack since it was drizzly and cold and an ungodly hour.) but one dude showed up with only one hour remaining. i wonder why he even bothered. there's no way he finished more than one essay. i would have just skipped altogether if i was him...which thankfully i'm not. i pride myself on being the overachiever that i am. another girl's phone kept ringing. apparently she doesn't know how to use the off button on the damn thing. i was sitting next to her, and i almost stabbed her in the leg with my pen. and one guy had a weird, hacking, wet cough. i'm sure i have tuberculosis now along with the rest of the class. okay. i'm done venting. must get sleep.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

the trip to Vegas is off!!!

why? because i received this email from Tangerine Dream yesterday:

well i'm off to the gym. got to get more buff so i can be a beefcake in Vegas seeing as how i won't be wearing a shirt the whole time i'm there. it's going to be so hot that i might not even pack one.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

blogs, blogs, and more blogs

i've been blog surfing in order to avoid preparing for my Milton final. i've realized that people are more boring than words can define. one blog i ran across was actually dedicated to a woman's sack lunches. that's right. her lunches. she posted pictures of her daily midday meals, and then she described the contents in painstaking detail. it wasn't as if these lunches were culinary masterpieces or anything- just apples, sammiches, juice, etc. apparently, posing as your pet and writing a blog is also a frighteningly common trend. with someone like that as its owner, it would probably have killed itself years ago if it hadn't been for the lack of opposable thumbs. and finallee, wen u ppl uz cutzi wayz to write, i want 2 get a shotgun n kill u. i say keep the immigrants here, and ship these yahoos off to foreign countries no one cares Canada.

movie mania

i'm really excited about some movies coming out this month. first is the new X-men movie, X-men: The Last Stand. let me just say that this one looks promising because, unlike the first installment which should have been called X-man, this one has a veritable cornucopia of mutants. another movie i'm really excited to see is The Da Vinci Code. not only is it a star studded cast, but i love that most of the scenes were shot on location in European cathedrals and museums. this movie is probably as close as i will get to any non-American culture in a few years. plus, i'm a heathen. also, while i was browsing, i saw the trailer to the new Bond flick, Casino Royale, and it looks decent. i guess i shouldn't be so harsh on the new Bond. i mean, i think at one point in time i went so far as to say that the blond Sonic commercial guy would be a better Bond. and while i was adding links to these movies, i noticed that The Omen is being remade. it opens on 06-06-06 (hee hee.) i liked the cheesy visuals of the first so i'm not sure about this one, but i'll have an open mind for now. if there is no corny decapitation scene, though, i'll close it real fast.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

i'm such a societal pariah.

even when i'm not trying to be a rude bitch, i'm still offending people. of course, i don't feel bad about it because i was only speaking my mind, but i didn't expect anyone to hear it. so i'm in the Chick-fil-a drive thru line (which is long enough to make a grown man weep) when i get up to the speaker and place my order. i then begin to drive up a little so the person behind me can place her order, but i can't because the genius in the suburban in front of me pulled up a total of .5 inches. thinking this action on her part quite rude, i responded the only way i know how- with a barrage of obscenities and name calling. in my defense, i was only venting. it wasn't until i noticed her mad dogging me through her side mirror that i realized my window was still down from ordering, and so was hers. i shrugged and rolled mine up. what are you going to do?

i can't understand you!

back to top (you lazy bastard)