random news

-so this lady decided to advertise online to hire a hit man to off her husband. on the one hand i feel like she's too dumb to live, but i don't blame her poor judgment. the cheating bastard probably drove her to insanity.

-these fugly little animals don't feel pain. that's cause they don't have to deal with the United States Post Office. every time i have to talk to those buffoons, i get a sharp stabbing pain behind my right eye.

-Hershey's is hiking up prices. good thing i've turned into a healthy eating, yoga doing, productive member of society or i'd just slash my wrists right now.

-i had to work on MLK Day, but other Americans were out celebrating the way Americans do:

random news

-when i first noticed the heading on this article about skin tone affecting income, i thought it meant that people with acne got paid less than those of us blessed with nice clear skin. then i read it, and it was just about racism.

-Mozart is having his penis removed, (the iguana not the composer). i felt bad for the little thing (the iguana not the penis) until i learned they have an extra one for just such instances.

random news

-apparently downtown Austin was shut down when a bunch of dead birds were found in the streets. hazmat teams were sent in to investigate, but nothing suspicious was found in the air. some birds are being sent off to be tested. i can tell you the problem. there is an invisible spaceship hovering over the area and the birds are slamming into it, a la Signs. at first, i thought my theory was oulandish, but when i told B.H. about the bird problem, he suggested the same thing. we are geniuses so i'm pretty sure we're right.

-Angelina Jolie is being depicted as the Virgin Mary in a new painting by Kate Kretz. even more strange, she's hovering over Wal-mart on little fluffy clouds. quite honestly, i find the shoppers more disturbing than anything else.

random news

-i didn't fail any tests this semester, but if i had, i'd pray to God it wouldn't be the gender test.

-a mass dog wedding being organized to promote "canine culture" was cancelled because an animal activist group believes that marriage is cruel and akin to torture. i think most of us would concur.

-my mother's birthday is tomorrow, and i figured i'd go online to find some fashion tips for a good 'mother's birthday outfit.' Britney Spears never lets me down!

-Time Magazine named its "Person of the Year." it's you. that's right. you. look at yourself right now and picture that image on the cover of a high profile magazine. it's a disgusting thought, isn't it? either mankind is truly on the verge of negating the existence of the universe with its complete uselessness, or Time just pulled the biggest cop out since Clinton's "i didn't inhale" fiasco.