crusty mood

for the first time in about six months, i have been in a foul, crusty mood. i'm not sure why either. i think it's my co-workers. they really piss me off sometimes. but anyway i have a Rockstar now, and it's helping me snap out of it. i also visited the Dr. Phil website to see if he had any advice to get out of a crust, and i saw this ad. when i first glanced at it, i thought those were the lady's legs behind her head, and i was flabbergasted by this newfangled exercise equipment. but then i realized my eyes were playing tricks on me.

sugar, i love you.

i crumbled last night and resorted to eating Nutella straight out of the jar with a spoon. and today is the Pancake Festival so i am obviously going to gorge on pancakes. i just don't think this low carb diet thing is for me, but i'm going to try it for a few more days. then i will probably collapse into a weeping lump on the floor whilst guzzling Hershey's syrup from the bottle. i really do think i need copious amounts of sugar to survive. does anyone remember the Issac Asimov short story Rain, Rain, Go Away? it's the one about a family who is terrified of rain. turns out they're made of sugar. well, i think that's me. i mean, it would also explain my sweet disposition, right?

what was i thinking?!

i went shopping today for low carb stuff. i also slept in. which means that even though i bought lots of crap, i didn't have time to eat. but that's not why i'm super grouchy. i'm grouchy because i can't use my blueberry cobbler creamer. i don't mind drinking my coffee black, but my creamer is really the best part of my day. and now it's gone. you never know how much you love something until it slips away... well anyway, Gold Digger started this stupid diet yesterday which means she's already delirious from lack of sugar and starch. i got an email from her that said:

you know, i just noticed that [Cornelius] looks a lot like Matt Damon. =) seeeeeeeeee?

is this what i have to look forward to tomorrow? craziness and weird new hobbies? yikes.

call me Ishmael.

my title has nothing to do with my post, but as i was typing the title, my mind went blank as to what i was actually typing. which brings me to my first problem. i've transformed into a sloth. this metamorphosis is a concern on many levels. one being that i am now a three-toed, mossy-backed creature. second, i am sleeping upwards of twelve hours per day. (we sloths need plenty of rest apparently.) this transformation occured on Sunday sometime. or perhaps Saturday night. i'm not sure when exactly, but it's been a few days now. i almost called in to work with my sloth syndrome, but i came in anway. no one noticed. i guess i just blend in with all the other sloths around here.

there's a rumor that Sen. Obama is coming to Lubbsuck. if so, i'll be there with my peeps to hear him speak. i enjoy people who are well spoken. plus, i'm going to call him Obama-lama-ding-dong if i get the chance.

i finally watched The Departed. i really enjoyed it. (well with my man, Matt Damon, what was there not to like?!) anyway, someone told me i should go to work with the attitude of Mark Wahlberg's character to which i replied, 'i think i already do...' i'm not one to censor myself, but here lately even i am appalled by my own language. maybe it's time for a vacation. good thing i'm planning several this year.

i'm trying something new this week which may make me extra grouchy, borderline insane, and/or even comatose. i should be implementing this new routine tomorrow. what is this new fangled idea, you ask. it's a low carb diet. why am i doing this to myself? i don't really know. boredom? i like to torture myself? early onset dementia? either way, i'll keep you guys posted on how it goes.

i ♥ Jason Bateman.

i finally went and saw Juno. i enjoyed it. the dialogue was a little trite here and there, but overall i thought it was a cute movie. and don't get me started on Jason Bateman. he makes every movie fabulous.

ketchup

-weird searches are bringing people to my blog. i'm getting a lot of people who are looking up "squeaking bras." i didn't realize that this issue was so widespread. it should be addressed by people who actually have influence! why aren't the presidential canditates making it top priority?! we can't have these squeaky bras ruining people's lives. also, "purple Klingon blood" is bringing people here. i'm not sure why. i'm neither Klingon nor purple-blooded.

-yesterday i became the epitome of gluttony. i arrived at work where my peep was making everyone breakfast burritos. i ate some of those. by the time i was done gorging, my peep was making us all fajitas and stuffed japs. so i ate some more. a guy brought me Valentime's candy so those went down the hatch. then the Girl Scout cookies arrived. you'd think i couldn't eat any more after that obnoxious display of no self control, but you'd be wrong. i got more Valentime's candy. then when i got home, i made spaghetti. this morning we had donuts at the office to celebrate Valentime's again. i didn't eat those. i'm already pushing the limits on my office chair's weight capacity...

-i know that for the past twelve years i've been saying i'm going to go watch Juno, but i mean it this time. i'm going tonight. for the reals. it's true.

-someone from my past has resurfaced in my life. he texted me last night trying to be elusive, i think. but i guessed who it was from his user name since i know him so well. he seemed happy when he learned that i was newly single. i'm glad to have him back in my life.

-Tangerine Dream is trying to poison me. if i croak, put him on the top of the suspect list.

-i sent a mass text out to my good friends that said, 'happy Valentime's Day! love you!' but i forgot that i had put this guy on the list. i just met him. we've talked but nothing major. anyway, he probably thinks i'm a nut case now that i told him i love him. i had a good laugh over that one after i realized what i had done. but really who doesn't like to be loved? i could have told him i hated him with the fire of a thousand suns. so it could always be worse.

a weight has been lifted!

free at last, free at last. thank God Almighty, i'm free at last.

and now the update that i promised you guys.

-my dad was almost dog food. there have been a rash of pit bull maulings here in good ol' West Texas, and Dad got in on the action. he arrived at work only to find a bunch of dead goats and pit bulls having a party amidst them. if i had witnessed that gruesome scene, i'd have jumped back into my car and assumed the duck and cover position until the cavalry arrived. but that's just me. here's the story if anyone wants to read it.

-Cornelius turned one month old on Monday. can you believe it? seems like just yesterday when i cut the cord and leaned in just to hear him whisper "caca" to my face. he's fitting in nicely with the rest of our potty mouthed family.

-i filled up my work gumball machine with green M&Ms. it's the color of love, you know. i'm only letting the hot employees eat them. if you hit all the branches of the ugly tree on the way down, then no M&MS for you.

-i almost burned my new house down to the ground. i'm not kidding. without going into any minutiae, let me just say that there was lots of flames, smoke, ashes, and panicking. i could envision the firemen rescuing me in their big, buff arms. but then i got the situation under control. the weasels and i are fine.

-i finally saw Clerks II. i had to keep rewinding the scene where Jay dances to Goodbye Horses in order to watch it again and again. i have not laughed that hard in a really long time.

i'm still alive.

i can't believe it's been so long since i posted last. i was on the brink of death and had one and a half feet in the grave! but looks like i'm going to survive...for now. there's nothing exciting to report, but i'll be sure to find time to blog all the mundane details sometime tomorrow in between working on crossword puzzles and cussing out my coworkers.

sick sick sick

i have never been so physically and emotionally sick. ever. my goal is to just make it through this weekend without dying.