feeling the urge

i'm feeling the urge to blog, but i just painted my nails so i'm typing like an invalid. if this post is chock full of nuts typos, then just deal with it.

i cut my hair, and it looks super cute. one of my coworkers said i look like a Charlie's Angel. i'm pretty sure that's a compliment. i also got it thinned out because i have massive amounts of hair. so it takes a lot less time to wash and dry now. super!

my vacuum was smoking this weekend. that's not a good sign, i'm sure. i was going to just keep using it anyway, but then i decided i'd better not burn my place down. i almost did that once already, and it's not as fun as it sounds.

ScriptFrenzy starts tomorrow. i haven't decided if i'm doing it this year. on the one hand, i have nothing better to do that sit in coffee houses and write to my heart's content since i'm done with school. on the other hand, it's a lot of freakin' work! plus, i don't feel creative right now. i find it hard to believe that my creativity will spark up overnight and make me change my mind.

here recently on this blog, i've referred to my friends as "drunken buffoons" and "worthless life suckers." apparently friends don't like that much seeing as how one asked me into which category he falls. because i'm honest, i replied that he is both. that'll teach him to take offense.

it's time for another coat of polish so i gotsta go.

work woes

yesterday, a couple of us at work organized a going away party for a co-worker. we had brisket and some yummy sides. well we had an entire brisket left over so we decided we'd make some burritos the next day and sell them for a dollar a piece to benefit the March for Babies. but get this. someone stole the damn brisket! who walks over to a huge, uncut chunk of meat that he/she did not purchase or cook and think to himself, 'i'm taking this home with me?' a real piece of shit, that's who. we let everyone know that this person essentially stole money from preemie babies and that he's going to rot for all eternity in a pool of liquid fire which will sear his flesh much like the Burger King grills. no one has fessed up yet. people are real ass wipes.

ketchup

- my phone battery died sometime early Saturday night. because my phone is older than God, it has a mind of its own. it will only charge on my work charger. i decided to just be without it for the rest of the weekend. the second i plugged it in this morning, it started announcing my billion text messages. i should start turning it off every weekend. it was nice not hearing from anyone.

- i have mixed feelings about the Futurama movie. while it was glad to see my old cartoon peeps, they really weren't showcased enough. the movie was too busy bringing back every recurring character on the entire series. there wasn't near enough of that senile old professor or the disgusting Dr. Zoidberg. (although the one scene that made me laugh the most was when he was yelling at Leela to stay out of his Dumpster.)

- i got a new computer at work. it's much better, but i had to get a new keyboard to go with it. it's one of those fancy, schmancy keyboards with fifty thousand unnecessary buttons. that's not what really bugs me, though. i use the function keys a lot. and these function keys are about two millimeters to the right that my old keyboard. you may think this is nothing. you think wrong. i type a lot, and i type faster than people talk. so when you move keys over just a tad, it really throws me off. i'm this close to taking this keyboard to IT and shoving it.

- i woke up energized today. i am full of optimism and happiness. we'll see how long it lasts before i revert back to a bitter, hateful bitch.

- i've always wanted a guinea pig with crazy hair. i pine for them at the pet store. anyway, guess who got one? not me, but it's pretty damn close. Gold Digger! so i've been hanging out at her house holding him and loving him and feeding him carrots. his name is Earl. since G.D. has fifty kids, he's always running for his life, but i think he already knows me. he knows i'm not one of his tormentors. so he sits on my tummy while i pet him, and he makes cute little "happy" noises. he's a brownish color with one big red spot on his rump. he's unbelievably cute.

best news i've heard all year.

there's going to be a new Futurama movie on Comedy Central tomorrow. yee haw! i prob won't be home, but good thing i have my trusty DVR to save the show for me. you can never have enough Bender, in my opinion.

R.I.P.

“Sometimes I think we're alone in the universe, and sometimes I think we're not. In either case the idea is quite staggering.” Arthur C. Clark

you will be missed.

the gods are laughing

at what? at me and my miserable life. don't call me paranoid. i know it's true.

so guess how i spent my weekend? sick. again. wtf?!?! when i was attending that germ infested cesspool named Texas Tech, i wasn't this sick, and yet now i can't go two minutes without catching Ebola or some other disgusting illness. so here's a brief run down of my weekend.

Friday 5:00PM- i had been feeling a little scratch in my throat and had been coughing all day, but i don't feel too bad. i actually hope that was the worst of it so i can do everything i have planned for the weekend. i don't have extravagant plans, mind you. just some peeps over to the maxi pad and maybe a little shopping and what not with the sis. i am still a cock-eyed optimist at this point.

Friday 7:00PM- i'm in a fever induced delirium. it's not too bad. it's making me playful and somewhat friendly with my friends which is a novel concept for me. perhaps this cold isn't so bad.

Saturday 5:00AM- oh, the agony. who knew a head could hold so much mucous? who knew the body would cycle through hot and cold flashes with the rapidity of a menopausal bi-polar on meth?

Saturday 10:00AM- my damn peeps kept texting and calling until i turned the phone off. who needs them anyway? they're worthless life suckers who can't take a hint that i'm on my deathbed and don't want to chit chat. my weasel is starving, but i don't have the energy to feed him. he's staring at me from his cage with those beady eyes. i think he can see my germs.

Saturday 4:00PM- i want to kill myself. i have no razor blades or massive amounts of sleeping pills. it wouldn't matter anyway seeing as how i don't have the energy to cut through sinewy veins and arteries or swallow anything not of a watery consistency. speaking of swallowing, i have no food. i am eating wheat bread in order to sustain my pathetic self.

Saturday 8:00PM- damn it all to hell!!!! my mother offered to bring chicken soup by at 7, but i was too busy dying to keep up with my emails. now the window of opportunity is closed, and i'm down to about 75 pounds soaking wet. my weasel's still staring at me.

Saturday 10:00PM- i'm drinking Nyquil like it's the almighty serum that will save my soul.

Sunday 7:00AM- how can one head produce so much mucus? i swear it's never ending. i need to do laundry. i need to do dishes. i need to feed Simon. fuck it. i'm going back to sleep.

Sunday 1:00PM- Gold Digger sent me an email asking me if i'm alive. my reply to her is "aaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhhhhhhhg...."

Sunday 2:00PM- i have gone through three rolls of toilet paper just trying to keep my head from exploding. it's not working.

Sunday 5:00PM- time for more Nyquil. if i live, i plan on writing to the makers of this fine product and telling them they deserve the highest honor this country can bestow.

Sunday 8:00PM- i almost passed out loading the washer. when did clothes become so heavy?

Sunday 10:00PM- there is light at the end of the tunnel. i'm hungry. i'm venturing to Sonics for some grub. let me wax poetic for a minute. there are very few redeeming qualities about West Texas, but one is the feeling right before a big storm. the air smells like rain, and there is a crispness in the air. you can feel what's coming, and it's beautiful. i'm grateful that i can experience it.

Sunday 10:15PM- they are taking too long with my food at Sonic. i am about to pass out. the little icon on my cell phone is eating a burger. he mocks me. i hate him.

Sunday 10:20PM- i've driven home drunk and been a safer driver. at least then you can close one eye and stop seeing double. i can't make out medians or oncoming traffic because i'm so sick. who cares.

Sunday 10:30PM- mmm. i can't really taste my food, but it's good nonetheless. the weasel is still staring.

Monday 1:00AM- aaaah. Nyquil, you are my only friend.

Monday 6:00AM- i feel a thousand times better. just in time for work. story of my life. time to feed the weasel.

***i was not purposely starving my critter. weasels are especially susceptible to human colds and flus. i didn't want to get too close to him so as not to spread my germs. he had a little food to carry him through the weekend. i'm not inhumane!***

withdrawal

i haven't really had access to my work computer which is where i usually blog. it's been excruciating. yesterday, i didn't check my email until around nine o'clock at night! i almost went into the DTs complete with convulsing and hallucinations. but i'm better now that i'm getting my fix. here's what's been up.

- last week Gold Digger invited me to dinner. she said, "we'll have pork chops with Shake-n-bake!" so i said hell yeah. then when i got there, i had to cook the damn dinner myself. i guess that's better than when Tangerine Dream invites himself to dinner and then 'forgets' his wallet at home. besides, i've gotten where i really enjoy cooking.

- i stayed up late the other night with insomnia. i noticed that The Last Temptation of Christ was on. i'd never seen it and was curious as to all the hype and controversy so i tuned in to the latter half. you know what i found most shocking? it wasn't the blasphemy, insinuations, or nudity. it was how young Willem Dafoe looked. when did he turn from a handsome man into the Cryptkeeper? (just kidding. i love Willem!)

- last night i got home to find a padded envelope in my mailbox. inside there was a condolence card from the vet. it was signed by everyone in the office. there was also a something wrapped up in tissue paper. when i looked inside, it was a clay imprint of Macaroni's little paws. it had her name on it, too! i was so happy. i will post a pic of it as soon as i can so everyone can mist up with a tear.

- i got an unexpected check last week. now i have mad money, and i can get awfully mad (in both the anger and insane senses of the word.) so what should i do? hire a non-English speaking male masseuse? fly to Austin to visit my peeps? buy my weight in Krispy Kremes, Rockstars, and Starbucks lattes and gorge like there's no tomorrow?

- i had my whole family over to my place on Sunday. everyone was there except Tangerine Dream. it was kind of an impromptu get together. somehow he knew and called me to ask why he wasn't invited. this incident isn't the first time he's done this. he drove by my mom's once when everyone was over there and another time he did it when i was over at my sister's. i'm beginning to think he just drives up and down all our streets to see who's where and what's what. creepy!

- Simon is doing well without his partner. i'm glad. he's been cold, i think, though. he's used to having a snuggle buddy. he's been sleeping all curled up shrimp-like. but he's been roaming free a lot, and we've gotten a lot of one on one time. he likes to sleep in my lap, too. i bought some hoodies with kangaroo pockets so he can learn to travel around in there with me while i go about my business.

remembering Macaroni

i already miss her little face in the mornings. i automatically wake up and start talking to my weasels and checking on them. now i'm short one. but i'd thought i'd focus on the things about her that made me laugh.

- she wasn't the brightest crayon in the box (especially compared to Simon who is a little genius.) she once got her head stuck in a chair. the slats were wider up top where her head fit but narrower at the bottom. she couldn't figure out that all she had to do was lift her head to become unstuck. poor Maroni.

- she did these weird barrel rolls for no reason as she was scampering about. the first few times i saw her come to a stop, do a roll, and then keep running, i thought she had an inner ear problem. but it turns out, she just liked to march roll to the beat of a different drum.

- she loved to stretch. she'd do it all the time. her little hind legs would extend out, and her little toes would stretch far apart. it made me envious of her ability to maximize a good stretch.

- she had snaggle teeth. some people may not know, but weasels are meat eaters and therefore have teeth that look like dogs' and not like rodents'. even with her mouth closed, Macaroni's little canine teeth stuck out. and sometimes she slept with her tongue hanging out, too.

- she hated getting her annual shots. she's let out a big squeal every time they stuck her. who can blame her? the needle was bigger than she was. and every year she bit the vet in protest.

- she was not a morning weasel. it took her a long time to get up and out of her hammock. if you open the cage, Simon comes bounding out ready to conquer the world. she would lie there and take a long time to get going. it would take a lot of stretching and thinking before she mosied out of bed.

- all weasels steal, but Maroni was a klepto. i'd find her stashes all over the place. once i saw her trying to steal a wired controller to a Playstation 2. she pulled and pulled with all her might, but she couldn't get it. it never dawned on her that it was hooked up to something. and she'd carry things way bigger than her from shoes to purses to pillows. i'd bring her to work, and she'd scurry across desks and yank the straws right out of peoples' drinks. she loved adding straws to her collection of stolen goods. all of my flip flops had little snaggle teeth marks in them, and if i couldn't find something, chances are it was in one of her favorite hiding spots.

- she loved to hide underneath the kitchen sink. she was so tiny she fit through a little opening. and even the weasel collars on the smallest hole were too big for her so she was always losing them under there. if anyone tears out the sink at that apartment, they're going to find a lot of little red collars with bells on them.

there are so many more things i loved about her. i hope she's in weasel heaven barrel rolling to her heart's content. if anyone is interested, we will be mourning her death this weekend by going to Furr's and eating macaroni in her honor. she would have liked that, i think.

i love my little Macaroni.

today was a shitty day.

i have a little bit of a cold. it's not too bad, but it was worse yesterday when i called in to work. i figured i'd call in again today to make sure i was rested. i'm glad i did. at around six in the morning, my little girl weasel went into seizures. she'd been sick for some time. i had done my best to care for her. unfortunately, i couldn't do enough this time. i tried to bring her out of seizure by raising her blood sugar. it didn't work. she seized off and on for a while. i decided to try to take a little nap and hope she came out of it on her own. i woke up to her screaming like no animal should ever scream. i comforted her the best i could until she quieted down, but i still could not stop the seizing. i was reluctant to take her to the vet because i knew the doctor would say it was time for her to rest for good. i waited as long as i could until my heart bled for her suffering. then i called the vet's office and told them i was coming. as i drove down there, i knew i would not be bringing her home. i cried the whole way, and i talked to her to comfort her. she seemed less scared when i had her pressed against my chest.

at the vet's office, i was told what i expected to hear. they could try to help her this once, but what would happen the next time she started seizing again? what if i was at work and couldn't help her? (not that i was much help anyway.) her little body had been suffering for several hours already. i did what i knew was right in my heart and signed the papers.

because she was such a tiny animal, euthanasia involves a shot to the heart. they gave her some anesthesia first so she wouldn't feel it. then they carried her in to me so i could say good bye. i didn't want them to take her away. i didn't want to come home without her.

my heart is breaking into a million pieces. she was tiny, but i loved her so much. i do feel comfort in knowing she's no longer hurting or scared. and now i'm worried about my other one. how will he feel now that she's gone? he will need extra attention. i plan to let him roam free around the house. he's very smart and capable, and the only reason i didn't let him run free before was because it wouldn't have been fair to Macaroni. but now it's just me and Simon. so we'll just have to stick it out together.

one loooong night

my plan had been to relax and then catch up on my soap and on some rest. i figured maybe i was overdoing it at work and needed to spend the weekend chilling. so after a long day out shopping, i came home and read and took a nap. then i got up to watch my soap and enjoy a calm, quiet evening.

after a while i heard a lot of yelling. i figured it was an overzealous party somewhere. then i heard a little kid yelling, "help me! help me!" so i ran to my kitchen window, but i couldn't see because i have a giant tree blocking the way. so i grabbed my cell phone and ran to my side yard. did i mention i was in my underwear? i didn't run to the front because of my attire, or lack thereof, and because i wasn't going to get in the middle of it. i heard lots of yelling and some douche saying, "i'll come back and shoot you! i'll come back and shoot yo momma!" i don't know if he was telling the kid he was going to kill his mom or if he was threatening the grandmother. either way, i thought it was shitty. (by the way, i don't live in the ghetto. i live in a very respectable neighborhood.) after a while, the dude drove off. later i heard more yelling so maybe he came back. no gunfire though. i thought that surely my night would settle down after this, right?

i had some guys texting me all night. one wanted me to burn him a disc because my taste in music is so spectacular. and he likes to work out so he wanted some good, upbeat music. that wasn't so bad. another guy was offering to come give me a back rub since i had been so crabby all week. he was also texting me throughout the night trying to get me to go to the bar. that wasn't so bad either. at three in the morning, i thought it was time to turn in. that's when another guy started texting me.

i had just turned off the lights when i heard the text. i thought it was the drunken buffoon from the bar, but it wasn't. it was someone who wanted me to call him so we could have phone sex. in his own words, "i was watching Fight Club and thinking about fucking you." wtf?!?! why would a movie about beating the shit out of other people make anyone think of little ol' me? anyway, i didn't call him, but he called me. no, we didn't have phone sex, but we talked for hours. he drove me outside to smoke (in my underwear again.) i mentioned how i had been considering motherhood lately, and he practically volunteered for the job. he thinks our kids would be great, and i guess he likes the idea of being a dad. plus we get along fabulously and have great chemistry. but, as i told him, i just want a simple life right now. for once, i'd like things to be uncomplicated and easy. so maybe i will consider his offer at a later time.

so my night wasn't stressful, by any means, but it sure wasn't the epitome of quiet and relaxation that i had hoped. but that's okay. i feel very rested and ready to face the coming work week anyway.