what this blog desperately needs...

is a make-over. i need to update my information, create a new layout, and reformat my style. but you know what that requires? energy and inclination. of which i have none. so instead i'm just going to post pics of Cornelius Fuckwin because he makes everything better:

here he is looking curious and cute.


here he is looking angry, but he's not. he's just making faces for the camera.

here he is sleeping. wish i could sleep like this. (my mom thinks he has my lips...)


here he is sporting the shirt that Gold Digger had made for him.

i have so many more i can post, but i'm just selecting a few. i'll spare you the ones from his actual birth...

EVERYONE DRIVES ME TO DRINK!!!

if you're reading this blog, i'm probably talking about you.

life lesson #3

once again, i can't sleep so here goes...

when i was in high school, i used to drink heavily. often times during class. i had a McD's mug that was generally filled with vodka. other times, i drank plenty at lunch and then returned to school afterwards. drinking really does make school more fun. anyway, i went to a pretty big high school that was three stories. so one time as i sat happily drunk in my third floor Latin class when we had an unexpected fire drill. filing in an orderly manner down two flights of stairs is harder than it sounds after a few too many. luckily, all my classmates knew i was generally woozy from lack of food, sleep, and too much alcohol. so they guided me down the stairs so i wouldn't make a total spectacle of myself. so what's lesson #3? make sure your friends know your weaknesses and they get your back when you need it.

the walk

so the walk was this morning, and the weather was bee-yoo-tee-ful! the walk went quickly, and then there were plenty of fun things to do afterward. since i took one of my nephews, i let him play for a long time while i redecorated my shirt with a hot dog. anyway, thanks to everyone who sponsored me. i guess my friends aren't that bad after all.

life lesson #2

once i was in Vegas to see some friends get married. the whole trip was pretty much one big bachelor/bachelorette party rife with drunken scandal. anyway, one night we were in a casino and my brother hands me the phone. he says, "convince Dude to come down and party with us. he's already in bed. tell him to quit acting like an old man." i have no idea who this man is on the other line, but i assume it's one of the groomsmen or something. so i get the phone, but on my sexy voice and start talking dirty to entice him to party with us. it piques Dude's interest, but he says he's not coming down. no big deal, right? i hand the phone back to my brother and ask him who Dude is. turns out that Dude is acting like an old man because he is an old man! it's the groom's dad. so i feel really bad for acting like a big whore with him. my mistake with feeling bad was that i was picturing the groom's father to be like my father- gentlemanly and with manners.

cut to the rehearsal dinner which is held in a really nice suite overlooking the Vegas strip. i'm there with someone, but that doesn't stop Dude from hunting me down. he is about a thousand years old, and he's sitting next to me rubbing my leg. he tries repeatedly to get me to go tour the huge bathroom alone with him. i keep telling my brother to tell him something, but nothing helps. i spend most of the night hiding behind the bar drinking heavily. so that's life lesson #2: don't do any favors for Tangerine Dream...ever.

life lesson #1

i am having the worst bout of insomnia that has ever existed in all of mankind. it's 5:30AM, and i haven't slept a wink. i finally just said a big ol' "fuck it" and got up to blog. (my neighbors must think i'm a total freak because i'm always up in the middle of the night, and i come and go at odd hours. but they're the ones with the cat food problem. i'll save that story for another time.) so i've decided to start a series of posts on a few life lessons that i've learned:

when i was a wee lass still living at home, i had this Boyfriend. we were pretty serious (for a couple of kids.) but i still hung out with my own friends a lot while he worked or whatever. one day, i'm hanging out with my Friend-o. he's driving, and we go pick up this Creepy Dude i'd never met before in my life. turns out Friend-o needs something from the store so he leaves me and Creepy Dude in the car while he goes inside. now, Creepy Dude and i have some natural chemistry, but he's a total skeez. i know he'll be a lifer in prison before i graduate from high school. i can tell. plus, i have a boyfriend, and i'm very faithful. anyway, me and Creepy Dude just talk and laugh until Friend-o comes back to the car.

sometime after this innocent little outing, i'm talking to Boyfriend on the phone when my other line rings. it's Friend-o. here's our conversation:

"you and Creepy Dude made out?!"

"we did not!"

"he said you guys did. when i was in the store. he said you guys made out."

"what an asshole! if i ever see him again, i'm going to kick him in the nuts! we didn't do shit."

"i can't believe you made out with him!"

"i didn't! fuck you! i swear."

okay, so that's about how it went for a few minutes. then i clicked back over to Boyfriend who immediately says, in a weird monotone voice, "who's this guy you made out with?"

wtf?!?! i am Bambi about to get smooshed. i try to play innocent, but he tells me he heard the whole conversation. after a few minutes of persuasion, i think he believes me, but this incident brings me to life lesson #1. never trust call waiting.

summer is nearing

i love summer. it's the absolute best season. i really like it because i'm always cold, and i enjoy the scorching heat. but i'm ill prepared. mainly it's my glaringly white legs. they look like uncooked pasta. lovely, i know. so i'm thinking of going to get one of those spray on tans. only i don't want to end up like Ross on Friends so i need to make sure i do it right. i can't go and lie in one of those tanning beds because i have a weird phobia of UV rays. that and i burn very easily. ten minutes in that thing, and i'll be toast. of course, i could use a lotion at home. one of those that causes you to tan naturally over a couple of days. i've never used any of these methods which is why i usually walk around like a pasty, Marilyn Manson groupie, but i don't want to do that this year. this year it's a whole new me, and i need a whole new tan look. i'd post before and after pics if i didn't think my white legs would wash out the before photograph.

THIS IS WHY I DON'T DO CHARITY!!!

because my friends are all douches. so one says to me:

this walk deal, is this a bet on how long i think you can last???

so to clarify, you just sponsor me. there is no betting involved. another person, when i explained that the walk was to benefit preemies, said:

why should i? they shouldn't come out if they're not ready. then we wouldn't have to have these senseless walks.

of course, i may not have the most charitable attitude either. i did ask that last douche:

well, you Grinch bastard, are you going to sponsor me?

so this could be a little bit of a two way street. anyway, thanks to everyone who has committed to making a donation. you still have plenty of time to do so, if you haven't.

there is a good bone in my body!!!

i know it's hard to believe, but i'm being charitable. actually, i've always supported the March of Dimes. it's really the only charity i support. in past years, i've done the walk-a-thons. lately i haven't because of a pressing work and school schedule. but now i have nothing better to do than get cute hair cuts and make middle of the night plans with boy toys so i'm back doing the walk. anyhoo, if you want to sponsor me, please see me or visit my page on the March for Babies site and make a donation. all money goes to help preemies and to fund research for preemies. and who doesn't love tiny, new babies?! so come on. reach into your linty pockets and find a buck or two to donate. and for once, you might be able to sleep at night with a clear conscience.

i have hermitus.

it's an affliction that is difficult to shake. for the past three days, i've been reluctant to leave the house. the only place i went was to get my taxes done, and i only did that because i had to. well that and to get tea. i was desiccating. anyway, you'd think i could blog since i've been sitting at home, but the truth is that my hermitus condition is affecting that activity, too. i'm sure i will get back into the swing of things because i'm going to try to start hitting the gym twice a day. there's no real reason for this self torture other than the fact that the gym centers me, and i need some centering. i had a weird, busy weekend that i wasn't really anticipating. (well i was anticipating the busy part. just not the weird part.) i think a couple of hundred hours on an exercise bike will make things better.

cutting people out

i finally got a new phone. mine just wasn't holding a charge anymore after it went for a swim in my purse. (if you're wondering why my purse was a pool, don't ask.) anyway, i hate putting in all those phone numbers. Sprint says they'll do it, but i'm pretty sure no one has ever actually had it done. there's always a reason why the numbers can't be transferred. i've decided not to add any phone numbers. if people call or text me, then they're in. if not, then forget it. i probably don't like you anyway. i have other things to be doing besides keying in phone numbers to douche bags who probably shouldn't even have my phone number to begin with.

cock knocker!

i called my bro a cock knocker today, and it was the best thing i've said in quite some time.

i have such a busy weekend ahead of me that i'm tempted to just curl up in a ball and shirk it all. but i won't. let's see, my parents' 38th wedding anti-versary is tomorrow. then i have to get my taxes done. there's a party i am attending. i'm participating in a fundraiser. i'm helping my sister with some stuff. i've still got to fix my damn vacuum especially after today's West Texas dust storm. and then there's the weeds. i'm this close to needing a machete to enter my house. so there. if i don't blog this weekend, that's why.

work shenanigans

- since we keep passing the same damn illnesses back and forth at the office, someone had the brilliant idea of installing these humongous hand sanitizers in the hallways. then they sent out an email encouraging us to use them. i love the idea and use them all the time since i have a weird aversion to microbes. well the other day my peep went down the hall to relieve herself because she's a thousand years pregnant and is becoming incontinent. on her way back, she always uses the sanitizer. when i heard the giant dispenser go off (it's an automatic one,) i yelled, "put some on your face, too!" turns out the person i was yelling at wasn't my peep. he gave me a weird look as he walked by. i just shrugged my shoulders as if what i had said made some kind of sense.

(okay after i posted this entry, i heard the hand sanitizer thing go off again. i looked up, and it was that dude who came back to tell me that he'd put some on his face this time.)

- i was on the phone with another peep who jokingly implied that i favored him. i yelled, "who thinks that?! tell me who said it, and i'll go punch 'em in the eyeballs!!!" suddenly i heard my boss from the other side of my Dilbert cubicle say, "there'll be no punching in the eyeballs, Christine." oops!

how would i survive my biggest fear?

47%

so happy together

i feel bad for my Simon because i'm never home. i work all day, and then i'm gone most of the evening. when i'm home, however, i try to let him out of his cage as much as i can. he's old, though, and he gets tired so i often find him lying down somewhere after about thirty minutes of free reign. either that or i hold him for a while until he gets his second wind. anyway, since i'm always rushing in and rushing out, i think he gets sad. he sees me and perks up only to see me rush out the door again. so yesterday i put on a hoodie and stuffed him in the pocket. then off we went. i was going walking with my sister and her fifty kids. we've had really beautiful weather lately so i've been making the most of it. anyway, we went on a walk for about an hour. Simon loved it! he especially liked the evergreen trees. whenever we'd walk by one, he'd stick his neck out really far to smell it. it was a little cold in the shade, and Simon is missing a lot of fur in his golden years so he'd retreat into my pocket until we were back in the sun. we got a lot of stares, and one of my nephews told me i looked fat with Simon in my kangaroo pocket which just made me enjoy the experience all the more.

i was only going to blog about our walk together, but i also had a dream about him last night. it was more like a nightmare. anyway, i found Simon with gashes spanning the width of this body so i rushed him to a vet. the vet diagnosed him with leukemia. (weird diagnosis for a weasel...) from then on, he got progressively worse. he couldn't eat, drink, or regulate his body temperature after a while. i had to hand feed him and keep him close to me so he wouldn't get hypothermia. then for some reason, i had to flee the area with a bunch of other people, and i had trouble taking care of Simon on the run. i know this dream sounds outlandish and odd, but while i was experiencing it, it was heartbreaking.