crappy mood

-for some ridiculous reason, i didn't have any caffeine today. this, my friends, is a recipe for disaster.

-a co-worker brought me candy yesterday. i wasn't sure if it was a bribe or if it was poisoned. i haven't croaked yet so it might just be a bribe. i'm still not sure for what, though.

-i am just letting my weasel run loose when i am at home. he usually gets tired and curls up in his hammock. last night he decided that he'd rather sleep next to me. who needs a man when you have a weasel, i say. i woke up to him rummaging through the garbage at six A.M. i couldn't be mad after i saw his cute little face, though.

-i swear a bird was chirping a damn symphony outside my window the other day. it wasn't bothering me or anything. but it was super detailed and showy. i'm sure it was a male bird looking for a mate. of course, once he finds one, he'll go back to being mr. tweet tweet again.

-i had a whole shitload of things to blog about, but i think the lack of caffeine is making my smarts dissipate. need stimulants.

sorry for being such a douche bag

and not posting in fifty years. we were short handed at work this past week so i actually had to *gasp* work. and this weekend is full of murder and mayhem, but i will try to post something tonight or tomorrow. until then, here's a short run down of my weekend thus far:

- i kicked someone in the shin at a Japanese restaurant. he deserved it. promise.

- i cleaned my house, did laundry, and did dishes. not bad for a holiday weekend.

- i invited a bunch of people to Tangerine Dream's place and then told him i heard he was having a party.

- i swear i saw a sign at a Burger King saying "gay help wanted." while pondering why they needed such specific help, i realized it said "day help wanted."

- i have had a killer headache for the past few days. my solution lies in copious amounts of booze. it's not working, but i'm going to keep trying.

just for the record:

ladies, you don't need perfume if you're going to the gym.

but if you really feel the need to wear some, there's no need to spray so much on that flora and fauna are collapsing in your wake.

but if you really feel the need to douse yourself in perfume, there is absolutely no need for you to wear one that smells exactly like morning breath after a night of hard drinking and questionable middle of the night restaurant choices.

if, however, you just can't live without doing these three things, don't sit on the bike next to the woman wearing the "BITE ME" shirt. because that would be the least wise decision including those heretofore mentioned.

attention to everyone not living in Lubbsuck:

give me a reason to get out of here for a few days. buy me a plane ticket just for the hell of it, get married, try a lame suicide attempt, anything... i am dying here! seriously, i will take any reason at this point. even if i don't really like you. please............

crikey.

i forgot some stuff on my shopping list from the last post. i want a new poster and an iPod deck for my bedroom. that puts me in a tight spot. i will have to steal more than lawn chairs. perhaps i can finagle a good deal from the tattooist. or maybe i can just get one office chair and wheel it back and forth from desk to make-up table. i mean, they do have wheels for a reason, right?

squandering the government's money

so i got my IRS stimulus check. unlike the tight wad, thrift conscience bores who are going to clutch onto the check with the tenacity of a rabid Doberman, I am going to start stimulating myself. er, i mean the economy. so here's the list of items i plan to purchase in order of importance. i may run out of money before i get everything, but i'll try my darnedest.

- get something tattooed and/or pierced. prob pierced since i'm not in any condition to decide on something which should be permanently placed on my body.

- two office chairs. one for my desk and one for my make-up table.

- the aforementioned make-up table.

- plastic lawn furniture. although i may just steal these from somewhere instead. that's what i usually do.

- a new futon mattress. mine is unbelievably uncomfortable.

- futon mattress cover for aforementioned futon mattress.

i will actually be getting most of this stuff before the body art because i'm waiting on Gold Digger to get her check so we can go find ways to piss off our parents together. otherwise, i will be buying these things in order of my list.

the aviary

somehow my sister's house turned into the world's largest aviary. it was a freakin' scene from The Birds this weekend. she starts texting me about birds in her house. first it was just one that she caught as evidenced by these pictures:

it had been trapped within her walls and somehow she wrangled it out. one of her kids caught it by the leg. later Gold Digger starts texting me about more birds. now they're flying out of her closet. i'm wondering if she's hallucinating, but she'd already sent me the pics of the one so i know it's got to be partly true. by the third bird she's frantically chasing around the house, i'm wondering if she's trapped in an episode of The Twilight Zone. if she was, it wasn't an emergency so i decided to spend the day hanging with a friend. so Gold Digger called Tangerine Dream to go help with the bird conundrum. i heard the story later. i guess the indoor bird problem was resolved, but there was another bird problem outside. some baby birds had fallen out of their nest and were dying in her drive way. two were already ant food...literally. the other lived long enough for these pictures:

here it is smiling for the camera.

here is Tangerine Dream's GF holding it.

here he is belly up and ready to die.

i felt bad for the baby birds because i love birds. (one kind in particular...) but the mother bird abandoned them after they fell. not a really nice thing to do on Mother's Day, but i guess birds don't follow societal rules.

christine the cat killer

i may have killed a cat. it all started with my crazy neighbors. they were feeding a cat on my property which i didn't mind too much. i love animals, and even though i'm severely allergic to cats, i figured the cat lingering in front of my house was not that big a deal. then the neighbors had to get weird about it. i noticed cat food sprinkled on some decorative concrete step stones in front of my kitchen window. i think this is odd, but again it's not that big a deal. a while back, though, i found a pile of cat food on my drive way by the garage door. this i didn't like. i don't want to encourage the damn cat. and i sure don't need an ant problem. i figured if the act occurred again, i'd leave a note that said, "THIS FOOD MAY OR MAY NOT BE LACED WITH LSD." i figured that would stop any future cat food problems. however, i never saw any more piles on my driveway. then the other night, i stayed at my sister's watching Fight Club until two in the morning, and when i got home, there was a humongous freakin' pile again. but this time there were about a zillion giant cockroaches having a feast. i went postal. i grabbed a giant can of Raid and went on a murdering spree. so now my other neighbors must think i'm insane because i was screaming as the bugs ran and cussing up a storm at the whole ridiculous situation. i saturated the pile of kibble and then sprayed all along the outside of my house. my plan was to clean it up the next day when it was daylight, but i forgot. when i finally did go outside, i noticed all the food and dead bugs had been cleaned. the cat food dish was suddenly not on my property. and the cat has been no where to be seen. i think i poisoned it. i have another animal story that i will post later today. it comes complete with pictures.

i need therapy.

let me tell you why. actually, the reasons are endless, but i'll just touch on the basics here.

- my friends are craptastic. i can't tell them anything without them getting booty hurt by my bluntness or wanting more than friendship. so i have no one to talk to about some of the things that have been on my mind.

- my tolerance level for stupid people has hit an all time low. it's always been pretty low, but generally i try to be civil in public. now i'm just telling people whatever i'm thinking. to hell with social norms. i even wore my "BITE ME" shirt to work today in case i'm too tired from lack of sleep to say it out loud.

- i am considering covering my body in tattoos. i have a lot to say, and i have an IRS stimulus check coming. put two and two together, and what have you got? another need for therapy.

- my insomnia has taken on a life of its own. i don't even desire to sleep anymore. i just mill around making sammiches and cleaning my duplex until four in the morning. well that and dodge drunk dials from everyone i know.

- the best part of my day is when i pour that first cup of coffee and take a giant, scorching gulp. as it sears my esophagus, i know it's just all down hill from there.

- i am seriously considering running away. i might just stuff my weasel in a sack and hit the road. who needs this town anyway? i don't.

when will it end?

my day just kept getting better and better yesterday. right before i left work, i got flowers delivered to me. they are so beautiful. i took some pics, but they just do not do the flowers justice. the arrangement is huge and very brightly colored. (that's my industrial size microwave under there.)




anyway, the manner in which they were delivered was a bit of a fiasco. apparently the delivery driver left them with someone at the front counter. that's where the problem started. my good friend who works up there saw them. she's possibly the most obnoxious person on the planet. so she's carrying them back to my Dilbert cube talking in her super loud voice about me getting flowers. curious co-workers began following her back. everyone wanted to know who got me flowers. by the time she arrived at my desk, there were about ten people standing there waiting for me to open the card. i didn't need to. i already knew who sent them. also, i don't like my personal life broadcast at work. in fact, i really hate that. so i had no intention of announcing the person who sent them. i was just going to tell a couple of my good friends, but everyone was just milling around waiting. even my supervisor was waiting. (the one that thinks i hate him because i left him that hate mail. he has only glared at me since then and has refused to speak to me, but suddenly he was chatty as he tried to find out who sent me stuff.) anyway, i was on the phone working and trying to ignore all the people crowded around when i heard my sup saying he was just going to open the card himself. that's when the office turned into a hostile work environment. no one would leave. why is my personal life of so much interest to the entire office? either way, i kicked everyone out after a while and opened the card and just showed my friends. everyone else can just go to hell.

i'm in love!

this day can't get any better. really. for some reason, as i mentioned earlier, i was in a great mood. then, i found a PayDay in my pocket. and then i fell in love...with Trent Reznor. his new album is out, and in his own words, "thank you for your continued and loyal support over the years - this one's on me." yes, that's right, the new NIN album is free. artists who care about their work and their fans more than money always win my heart.

my weekend

so my weekend was interesting to say the least. i had planned a whole list of boring household chores to get done, and i didn't do a damn thing. i did, however, drink too much, get that much needed neck rub, and help Gold Digger get some of her shit done so the weekend wasn't a total waste. i also got a call from a friend who has been trying to get in touch with me for some time, and i hope to be seeing more of him in the next few weeks. i finally got the lawn service to come out and spray my Amazonian jungle of a backyard. and by "lawn service," i mean Dad. the lawn service will be out next weekend to edge and trim.

i just got another neck rub here at work! i'm on a roll. who needs to pay for massages when people just come up and give them for free?

back to my weekend, i did get some grocery shopping done which is nice because i was down to eating peanut butter from the jar for meals even though peanut butter makes me break out. so i have been making the best sammiches ever on my little sammich maker. in fact, just blogging about it is making me crave one. i also managed to shove a blanket in the washer but never got around to drying it. normally, i like to get the chores done on the weekend so i can veg after work every day of the week, but now i have to do the damn chores after work. plus, i feel self conscious because i've gained a couple of pounds so i have to pencil in extra time at the gym. this weeks sucks already, and it just freakin' started.

i know this post is a meandering one, but i'm pretty sure i killed some brain cells this weekend. and i'm in an oddly good mood for it being Monday. so either the world is catastrophically ending sometime today, or i am finally starting to relax a little.

hateful Christine

the other day, my co-worker and i were milling around our office mail room. i don't remember what we were doing in there, but we were really just fucking around. she was drawing on a piece of paper with a marker when i told her to write a note that we could stuff in our supervisor's mail box. i began contemplating what kind of mischief we could start with the note when i noticed she was already writing. when she was done, i looked to see what she had written, and in giant neon letters the note read, "CHRISTINE HATES YOU!!!" nice. so i left it there and forgot about it. later that day, he walks up giving me a dirty look and handing me a piece of paper. i was on the phone so i just grabbed the paper and looked at it. it was my hate mail. he proceeded to go around telling the office that i hated him.

since i already had the giant paper with the hateful message, i tacked it up outside my Dilbert cubicle so everyone walking by would know how i felt about them. several guys have dejectedly asked if i mean them, and i just point to the sign. yesterday i noticed someone wrote on there that i need a hug. if anyone touches me or tries to hug me, i'm going to stab them in the eye with a straw. i don't like people touching me.

speaking of hateful, i threatened to kick a co-worker in the nuts the other day. maybe i need to relax. do i hear Vegas calling?

i would give anything for...

a neck rub right now. seriously. a serial killer could come to my door right now and offer me one, and i'd fucking take it. i've been stressed because something has been weighing on my mind lately, and it's causing my shoulders to kink up. i resemble the hunchback of Notre Dame. and my hump keeps switching sides...

zzzzzzzz

so you all know that i'm the biggest insomniac ever. it's no secret. but does that mean you people can call and text me at all hours of the night? granted it's always a dude that's calling so i know you're all just lonely a-holes needing something or other, but i mean, what if i was actually asleep for once? or at least pretending to be asleep? i just have so much concealer to hide the giant bags of luggage under my eyes, guys!