conversation of the day

at my work, i'm always getting flat tires because the lazy fuckers i work with just drop screws and nails and shit all over the place with total disregard to everyone else who uses the parking lot. anyway, Tangerine Dream is currently managing an auto place so i conned him into fixing all my tires. this morning i called him to make sure he would be able to do it today.

T.D.: how many tires do we need to fix?

me: fifty.

T.D.: i don't think we have time for fifty.

me: well at least one. i keep having to air it up.

T.D.: we can do one. i have a new guy that i'll put right on it.

me: a new guy?! he better not jack it up!

T.D.: well he's going to have to jack it up to fix the tire.

me: oh...yeah.

proof i'm getting old

- i generally dye my hair. but here lately i have been growing it out in order to recall my natural color. as i looked in the mirror, what did i see? there glistening amongst the dark brown strands was a grey one! it was sticking up almost as if it was giving me the finger!

- loud commercials make me sick. that one douche from the Oxyclean commercials who feels the need to yell everything he says makes me let out a barrage of profane phrases. i sit there yelling crusty comments at my TV as if anyone can hear me.

- i am obsessed with fiber content. when i'm buying my bread, i pore over the nutrient label carefully to make sure i'm getting the most fiber bang for my buck. all i need are bifocals to make that image more geriatric.

- i am taking so many medications a day that i could easily stock a shelf at the pharmacy. i even have one of those giant pill cases with four little compartments per day so that i can divvy up the pills according to morning, noon, afternoon, and evening. to make matters worse, i actually set aside a time every Sunday night to fill it up for the proceeding week. i remember when my Sunday nights used to be filled with foam parties and last minute binge drinking before the week ahead.

- i sometimes plan my day around a nap. for example, on Saturdays if i can get up early to hit the gym and then come home and get my chores out of the way, i can nap before people start bugging me to go hang out with them. it really does make the day that much sweeter when you can get a little shut eye midday.

cosmic bowling

on Saturday night, i thought it would be nice to take my nephew out for some cosmic bowling. (that's when they turn out the lights, crank up the tunes, and everything glows under black lights.) he turned thirteen earlier in the week, and i thought he needed to let loose with us adults. so the fam congregates, and we're ready to get our drink on. Gold Digger goes to buy a pitcher, and the piece of shit bar doesn't sell pitchers after nine or some nonsense. and the piece of shit bartender won't sell more than one beer at a time. what a crock! so Tangerine Dream and i try to go up there, but our licenses are expired so the cunt won't sell to us. i show her my Texas Tech student I.D. she says it's meaningless to her. well let me tell her what it means. it means that in another thirty years, she will still be working her crap, minimum wage job at the bowling alley while i'm sunning it up on a beach using my retirement money to stay looking young. for a while, G.D. just buys beers, and we are sharing and passing around. T.D. had an arm band that, at a glance, could pass for one from the bowling alley, but mine was naked. i just had to drink on the D.L. but the beers were three bucks a piece. that's crap. so we went to the beer store and bought a twenty pack and just snuck in the beer. our mom didn't raise fools. so we drank and drank to our heart's content without spending five hundred dollars. yay! so i'm not the best bowler (even though i somehow managed to win one game.) T.D. was trying to help me improve my form with unwanted advice. he even bowled once with the over-the-top professional form where your arm goes over your head, and your right leg sticks out to your left until you're almost on the floor. really he looked like a buffoon. but the dude one lane over said, 'nice form.' i immediately start telling everyone that he was warm for T.D.'s form. yes, i'm as mature as they come. overall, it was a fun night full of celebration and laughter. next time we'll know to just bring the beer ourselves.

freaky Friday

today was a fabulous day. first of all, i took the day off of work. that in itself made the day fabulous. but then i accompanied Gold Digger to her son's CT scan. of course, i wasn't planning that part to be great, but contraire mon frere. it was so quick and easy, and Cornelius was so good that it was almost like a mini vacation. here's a keepsake of that event. (doesn't he look super tiny in that giant machine?)



i invited myself to the back area where the tech sits so that i could see Cornelius's brain. as suspected, the monitor flashed "GENIUS" when it took the scan.

then the day got better when i went to get my tongue pierced. i was nervous, but i think i did well. i was a little shaky afterwards from the anticipation but not too bad. perhaps what would qualify as a mild seizure. here is a pic of me immediately afterward.



Gold Digger, who used to have her tongue done until the psychotic nurse made her remove it, didn't need it re-pierced. she just needed the bottom part of it opened up. she was so nervous she told the tech she might barf on her until i reminded her, 'you've had six kids, for petey's sake!' then she was like, 'oh, yeah.' i don't even think she felt it when they rammed the rod into her hole.

but the day was not over by a long shot. we weren't going to be happy until at least one of us got some ink. so we went to a different tattoo shop where Gold Digger got this little number. (the initials in the center are D.E. for the love of her life...)



so the day was a great one. now if the rest of the weekend can go as smoothly, i just might not hate life come next Monday.

conversation of the day

this verbal transaction occurred over the phone. a lot of my co-workers have trainees riding with them since we just did a mass hire.

me: do you have a rider today?

c0-worker: yeah

me: is he a douche bag?

cw: uh. why don't you ask him yourself. you're on speaker phone.

me: oh.

trainee (meekly in the background): sometimes i am.

me: that's alright. your trainer's always one.

back from the dead

and this time i'm not talking about zombies for a change. i was seriously sick this weekend. i must have had some type of stomach flu. let me describe it in detail. just kidding. but the human body is amazing to be able to handle such a harsh sentence.

at one point yesterday, i was so dehydrated that i was seeing tracers and double. i briefly considered going to the hospital at that time, but i lacked the gusto to call anyone. so i just went to bed. when i awoke, i felt a little better, but i was beyond needing fluids and to the point of needing major organ transplants. i drank water.

some time last night, i thought i felt well enough to venture out and find some chocolate which i was craving. i thought that was a good sign. so i took a quick shower and jumped in the Honda and drove to the nearest grocery store. my plan was to get some candy and then some stuff to make sammiches. i wandered to the candy aisle first because i do have priorities. then i went to back to the deli area. that's when i realized i over exerted myself. i was dizzy and hot and contemplating sitting in the sausage bin to rest. when i grabbed the basics, i decided i needed pickles. of course, now i was pushing it. i hobbled to the pickle aisle and grabbed the first Vlasics that i saw. then i went to check out.

who knew so many people shopped so late at night? crap. i was seeing double again and i was having trouble walking upright. the lines were all so long. i chose one where, aside from the person checking out, there was a man and his two kids with a handful of items. by now, i'm leaning against the gum rack looking pasty and clutching my chest. the man went to check out, and i realized that he was having both of his kids buy their own stuff. and he was also buying some stuff. i was about to yell, 'now is not the time to teach your children about fiscal responsibility, sir!' but i held my tongue. meanwhile i was texting a peep about my precarious predicament. he offered to go help me, but i was almost in the clear. i checked out and got in my car where i turned on the A/C to the arctic setting and sat for a few minutes.

then i went to Sonics to get some tea and some food since i figured i would be too tired to even make a sammich.

i feel much better now.

i even insulted a person at the pet store this morning. i didn't mean to. i was telling a dog how ugly he was. i forgot that there was an owner behind him. oh well. looks like i'm getting back to my usual, should not be allowed out in public self.

Happy B-day, Gold Digger!!!

so where have i been lately? that's a good question. if you don't remember it, it didn't happen. that's my motto. actually, i spent most of the weekend celebrating my debt free status. i also did some swimming, some grilling, some slothing about. on Sunday, i kicked my ass so hard at the gym that i could not even move on Monday. i had to shuffle to and fro like a mummy. do mummies shuffle? you'd think they'd have to with the tight bandages and all. but i digress. i also lost my temper with a Denny's manager, heard of a good deal on a tattoo (thanks David!!!), and contemplated moving out of this horrible, horrible town.

plop, plop, fizz, fizz...

oh, what a relief it is! my student loan is payed off. i made the last 561 dollar payment today. i am debt free. i have worked my ass off these last few months, and now i'm done. i can sit back and splurge on myself for the rest of the year or save up for a down payment on a house. let's make a chart:

rolling around in a pile of Twix vs. rolling around in my new house and my weight not 500 pounds

finding a full time non English speaking masseuse named Franco vs. a tense neck but a good investment

an obnoxiously colored Rescue Green Jeep Wrangler vs. a nice two car garage to park my perfectly fine Honda

more shoes than i can shake my stick at vs. my own yard with plenty of sticks to shake

go to grad school for yet another useless degree vs. learn from the school of hard knocks while trying to maintain my own property

continue to invite people to my brother's place to have parties vs. having parties in my own spacious backyard

hmmmm. i can't decide!!!

the real christine

-this past week, i have been called three things which i have never been called before. someone said i was kind. really? me? the person with the "christine hates you" sign on her Dilbert cubicle? another person said i was nice. wow. i'm on a roll. and finally, yesterday, a co-w0rker called me a suck up. i'm not sure how that works since i tell my bosses that i hate them on a regular basis. perhaps, by suck up, this person meant how much caffeine i can suck up in a measly attempt to tolerate my job.

-i'm now a bigger douche than my brother. one of my best friends, an avid sports fan, was super excited about the final game of the Stanley Cup last night. i texted him when it was over congratulating his team only to have him call me and tell me he wasn't watching it live. Doh!

-i've decided to stop being such an overachiever. it's overrated. and you'd think that all of those words that start with "over" would lead to overpaid, but guess what. they don't. the lead to long sleepless days, gnarled fingers, stabbing pains behind your left eye, and the possibility of an ulcer...none of which are attractive.

is this weird?

my plans for tonight are as follows:

i intend to run out of this crap shack at 4:59. then i'm going to hit Target where i am buying more pillows (so i can create a nest at home) and an iPod deck for my bedroom. next i'm going to go eat so much food that i gain twenty pounds in an hour. then it's curtains for me. i will curl up in my nest with my iPod playing soothing music, and i'm sleeping until tomorrow morning. plus i'm sleeping late. man, what a plan!

zombies everywhere

i had some peeps over last night to watch 28 Weeks Later. i didn't want to watch it by myself since my biggest fear is the zombie apocalypse. anyway, it was okay as far as movies go. the characters were kind of dumb which is about par with real people, i guess.

my nephew said his sister shoved him in his "peanuts." kids crack me up!

i have not gone grocery shopping in about ten years. all i've had in my fridge are mustard, ricotta, and wine. nice.

i texted Tangerine Dream the other day, "are we still doing Sex tonight?" i meant the Sex and the City movie. i probably should have worded it better.

if there is ever a time when a version of Law & Order is not on TV, the universe as we know it will collapse into itself.