son of a bitch!

where the hell have i been for the past four hundred years?! well i'm back. i plan to resurrect my blog as soon as i find some chicken blood and a lizard eye in order to perform the correct ritual needed for blog resurrection. i haven't decided if it will be this blog or another, but keep your eyes peeled. (that goes double for the lizard...)

when did i grow up?

i bought a house. well technically it's not mine yet, but it will be on Friday. it's essentially a giant dog house as i'm sure the goat-dog will run rampant while i cower in the corner hiding from his wet dog kisses.

it's a three bedroom/one bath cutesy wootsy little house that is completely remodeled. it's all brand new which is good because i'm not a lumberjack. the yard resembles the Amazon before it got bulldozed to death, but i've alerted my lawn service (a.k.a. Dad) of the situation so hopefully he'll jump right on that as soon as i get the keys.

my mortgage is less than my rent. yes, folks, i finagled an awesome deal. and that includes home owner's insurance and property tax. i'm awesome. you can't deny it now.

i'll post pics. and maybe i'll even post a vid of me doing the Snoopy dance. don't worry. i'll put a warning on that one if I do.

my life is BORING

i have nothing to blog about. well i do, but i don't feel like blogging about those things. so i'm going to narrate my life for you.

going to eat carrot cake 100 calorie snack packs.
opening the wrapper.
putting one in my mouth.
mmmm! surprised that they have filling. wasn't anticipating that.
washing down with my monstrous Rockstar.

oh, and btw, i'm buying a house. eeeeek!

It's that time again...

you guys know I do the March for Babies every year. i hate adults. i love babies. so click on the little badge if you want to support me this time around. and if you're in Lubbuttocks this weekend, come walk with me and Edgar, the goat-dog. you'll feel like a million bucks after, and you'll raise awareness for a great cause.

I'm a big ol' liar!

i know i said that i was going to post more often in the new year and blah blah blah, but i was probably wasted when i wrote that. okay prob not wasted but definitely insane. so before i do anything, let me give a list of lame excuses as to why i haven't been posting anything.

1. i'm a lazy asshole. you guys already know that. no big surprises.

2. i started hitting the gym like six days a week. why? no real reason other than self loathing.

3. i think my thyroid is broken again. i'm exhausted all the time. on Sundays, i usually have time for a nap, and when i wake up, i need another nap in about 15 minutes. something is definitely wrong with me. but i'm avoiding the doc because he'll need to draw blood, and i'm a big pansy about it.

4. work has been hectic, and that's where i like to do a lot of my blogging. i've decided to stop stressing so much and start delegating. now most of my job entails making sure everyone does what i've delegated. well that and bugging my boss all day long.

5. i'll dedicate a whole post to this later, but i'm a new doggie mommy! details soon if you aren't my FB or Twitter peep.

So to sum it up, i'm a lazy, thyroid challenged, workaholic, doggie mommy who freakishly exercises all day. i'm surprised i had what it took to hammer out this pathetic post.

geeky conversation of the day

this convo started off about the fallacies of the Star Trek holodeck. (how the hell do you gallop a damn horse into the sunset in a 6' by 6' room anyway?!) then it took an ugly turn.

peep: what i don't get is, with all of that technology, how come they can't invent doors that don't make so much noise when they open and close?

me: it's because they have that dumb blind bastard, Geordi, walking around! they can't very well have him standing in front of a door for ten minutes because it opened so quietly he didn't know about it. the Enterprise has to be handicapped accessible.

peep: oh. that makes sense.

me being shitty

so there have been rude comments and texts directed at me for my lack of posts. well fuck off, people! some of us work at work and do other stuff at home. but i am planning on focusing more on my blog in the new year. i miss it. there was a time when i blogged once a day minimum, and i hope to get back to that. so here's a little bit of me being shitty today:

i was already in a borderline crusty mood. my simple eye exam took about sixteen hours and ate up half my day. but i didn't let that get to me. i was running some errands and stopped at the mall to buy some delicious hand soap from Bath&Bodyworks. i picked up a new scrubby, too, since i'm pretty sure mine is probably an eco-hazard if checked under a microscope.

i get in my car which is about fifteen miles away since everyone in Lubbsuck is shopping in our crappy mall, and i pull into a busy exit area. that's when i realize the flat tire. there are about fifty cars behind me that i have to wave around me. when the last one passes, i have to go in reverse so that i can pull over to a side area and figure out what to do.

that's when this douche yells at a stranger about how people need to learn how to drive. did he think that i was redirecting traffic, hobbling my poor Honda over to the edge of the parking lot, and otherwise wreaking havoc for fun?! the stranger he was talking to was not a complete dolt and pointed to my flat tire. so the a-hole felt like a real dipshit for displaying the idiocy that his parents passed onto him.

something set me off. i leaned out my window and in a voice louder than Zeus' said, "FUCK YOU!!!" well hearing someone yell such profanity at the top of her lungs in the middle of the Bible belt probably threw him for a loop. he looked like he was about to cry. i would have flipped him the bird, too, but i was busy trying to maneuver my poor Honda around a giant mountain of snow at the same time and thus using both hands.

and so later this week, i get to spend a day getting my tire fixed and my alignment fixed since i'm practically driving sideways at this point. hope your days were better.

conversation of the day

this convo took place over IM with a work peep. i often compare the donuts in the vending machine to Snoopy's cookies who call to "eat me! eat me!"

me: i hear the donut chorus.

peep ignores me.

me: i said that i hear the donut chorus.

peep still ignores me.

me: brb. since you don't want to talk to me, i'm going to stuff my face and silence their little chorus!!!

peep: hey. sorry was busy.

this time i ignore him since i'm busy shoveling dimes into the vending machine.

peep: did you silence them?

me: i am. do you hear them screaming?

peep: (in his best Hannibal Lector voice) you stay in touch, Christine. let me know when those donuts stop screaming.

busy....and conversation of the day

i know i haven't posted in a while. i still plan to post about my weasel. I've just been too emotional about it. and i haven't posted anything else because i've been busy with work and NaNoWriMo and lots of other crap. but i'm still alive...kinda. i had a bad case of mutant tonsils for a bit, but they seem to be simmering down. and i have zombie pics to post, but i'll do that later seeing as how i'm about ten thousand words behind on my novel. so here's a conversation that only begins to exemplify the bitterness that i'm feeling today:

me: wish i had a sweet.

peep: i've got two. you can have one.

me: is it stuffed with poison?

peep: it's stuffed with love.

me: same thing.

i miss his furry face.

Most of you know that i had to put my Simon to sleep late Sunday night. i knew he had been sick, but i didn't think he would get that sick so fast. when Macaroni got sick, she showed symptoms for a long time that got progressively worse. so i thought i had more time with my Simon. i would never in a million years have thought that this weekend i would have to say good bye.

i knew he was bad late Sunday afternoon. i tried to make him comfortable. i really thought that he would still make it longer than he did, but by the evening, he was having seizures. and they were getting worse. when he started screaming, i had a friend arrange to take us to the emergency vet.

i cried the whole way there, but i didn't want him to suffer so i knew i was doing the right thing. it was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do.

when Macaroni died, i still had Simon so i didn't have to see an empty cage. a half empty food bowl. a brand new bag of kibble and litter. i don't have the heart to get rid of these things yet, but seeing them makes me very sad.

when i leave my house, it's habit to say good bye. in the mornings, i would feed and water my Simon, and now i have nothing to do. when i got some clothes out of the dryer yesterday, i instinctively turned around to see if the noise had woken him up only to remember that he was gone. there's a real emptiness in my heart and in my life. it's so surreal to think that i'm not a weasel mommy anymore.

i will post a 'remembering Simon' post later this week like i did for my Macaroni. he was so unique and intelligent that it would take me by surprise time and time again.

i can't picture my life without him. there were times when i felt like i had no one, but i always had him.

it's weird how attached we get to our furry babies. i miss Simon's little weasel face so much. i'm heartbroken.

shirking real duties by blogging

-i know i've been MIA lately. work is being a little bitch. and i've been exercising a lot and watching a lot of TV. (you know...important stuff.) i've also been dipping my toe into the dating scene. i'll need to dedicate an entire post to that new endeavor.

-my eyelid has been twitching for the past week or so. it's driving me nuts. it started as a just a cute little unnoticeable spasm, and it's pretty much turned into a violent seizure that encompasses my entire body. (you can picture Elaine Benes' dancing if you need a visual aid.) does anyone have a home remedy or something that i can try? i'm desperate.

-i'm going to cut all my hair off. i need something new. i like this cute choppy look that i'm sporting now, but i need to do something a little more drastic. my mundane life is asking for some change.

-i got this awesome new app for my Pre-tty that logs location and has a real time compass. so now, rather than looking to see where i'm driving, i look down at my Pre-tty instead. it's like having Bat-vision. plus i can text, too! and now that this p.o.s. town is finally selling alcohol, i'll keep an open can o' beer on the dashboard since i'm not looking out the windshield anymore anyway.

-any suggestions for a Halloween costume? i'm leaning toward being a vampire. i want to be something that will let me do my make-ups a combination of pretty and wild.

-i'm often referred to as Dr. Christine or counselor because i'm a good listener/advice giver and because of my Pysch degree. someone at work told me that i reminded him of the therapist on Two and a Half Men. i take it as a compliment! i love that bitter, blunt bitch. she's one of my fave characters.

it's come to this?

-i really shouldn't have to tell my sister to 'try to look like a woman.' however, after last year's fiasco concerning her work place physical mistaking her for a man, i thought i'd at least suggest it. unfortunately, she wasn't allowed to have coffee or food until after the damn thing was over so i'm pretty sure she'll be confused for a man yet again.

-i had a rockin' birthday weekend. i had so many people buying me dinner and drinks and just taking me out for a good time, that i feel really spoiled and blessed at the same time. at work, i had lots of people singing and giving me presents. one guy even did a sexy dance for me in my Dilbert cube since he arrived empty handed. and i still have some more things planned for this weekend. my hermity self is being over stimulated.

-i currently have the worst headache known to man. well maybe not the worst. Phineas Gage probably had more reason to complain. but anyway it kind of feels like someone is hammering some dull, rusty nails into my cranium. who would do such a thing?

-i'm way too excited about the Criminal Minds premier this coming Wed. to be honest, the writing has gone down hill compared to the first few seasons. (i've been watching a lot of the old shows on A&E.) but i need to see what's going on with Hotch. the suspense is killing me. and maybe him, too!

-speaking of incessant TV watching, is anyone else into Hoarders? it's fascinating and horrific at the same time. i love watching TV shows and movies about broken people. which brings me to the Biggest Loser. i really feel sorry for that 470 pound woman. i gained a couple of pounds, and of course all my weight goes to my boobs so they went up another cup size. and i thought that was uncomfortable! can you imagine being 470 pounds? if it was me, i'd kill myself if i thought i could find my own veins amidst all the extra weight.

ramblings of a crazy woman

-i was eating my Lean Cuisine rice pilaf when something rather pungent yet recognizable landed on my palette. it took a while for me to recognize it. it tasted like a Marigold! why are they putting weeds into my food?!

-yest a friend of mine walked into my Dilbert cube. i didn't notice him, and i was just picking my nose like there's no tomorrow. it wasn't like i was up to my wrist or anything. i get scabby around my nostrils when my allergies are bad which is the last few days. and being the weird, compulsive person that i am, i pick at them. of course, this process results in just bleeding and more scabs. aren't you glad you read my blog?

-my birthday is tomorrow! and some of us are going out Sat night to celebrate. shoot me a message or a text if you want to know when and where.

-i forgot to eat the other day and went and did spin. i almost keeled over to my grisly death. i guess my blood sugar dropped suddenly. i was seeing stars (and not the hot Matt Damon celebrity type stars...) anyway, i made sure to eat my Marigold laced pilaf today so that won't happen again.

proof i need to go home

i'm at work with a searing headache. it feels like someone is stabbing me repeatedly in the left temple with what could only be an ice pick dipped in alcohol. but besides that little conundrum, i was having an IM convo with a work peep. here's what he said:

"brb. need go go juice. actually that's gas, and i don't need that but coffee."

but I read that as:

"brb. need to get juice. actually that gives me gas so just coffee."

i had to read it three times before i realized he wasn't giving me the TMI treatment.

also, someone sent me this pic. (who else but Tangerine Dream...) what the hell pooped this giant turd? and why does he feel compelled to share this disgusting crap (pun intended) with me?

dumb ass Microsoft

did anyone see this article where Microsoft edited the black man out of this pic? i'm too lazy to link the article. i barely exerted the effort to upload the pic. what i think is more offensive than the fact that the black man was replaced with a white man is the fact that the black man looked perfectly respectable and the white man looks like the biggest douche on the planet. oh, and no one bothered to edit the hand so the douche still has a black one. way to go, Microsoft!

new career

okay, so i think i found my calling. you've heard of a life coach, right? they are people who help you decide what your purpose in life is supposed to be and then give you guidance and direction so you can fulfill that purpose. well i'm going to be the opposite of that. i'm going to tell you exactly what i think of you and why you're life sucks. does anyone want me to practice on them?

you're probably wondering why anyone would want to pay for these services, but let me tell you. people are DUMB. they bitch and moan about how awful their lives are but they don't do anything to fix it. it's like they're clueless that their stupid decisions are what's making them miserable.

so you're breaking your back and raising fifty kids while your husband sits on his huge ass watching porn all day, that's your fucking fault. you're on your eighth divorce and can't figure out why none of them last when you marry them after knowing them for only two seconds. guess what? that's your own damn fault/ too. you're a broke bastard who can't maintain a single relationship because the only thing you can actually stick with is your alcoholism. well, duh. you're lonely and pathetic because you're an idiot who needs to grow up.

see? my services are needed. sure some people need that loving prod that a life coach can provide, but some of you jack asses need a fucking kick in the teeth already.

so there. any takers?

buncha nothing

-twice this week, i have accidentally kicked over my computer tower whilst using it like a foot stool. both times it died. now it's making a loud whirring sound mixed with a high pitched whine. any techie people out there know what's wrong with it? well i mean besides the fact that i keep beating the crap out of it.

-speaking of techie shit, my Pre-tty keyboard quit working last night. i started hyperventilating and seeing stars because i really don't know how to communicate anymore without text messaging. i've devolved to a higher functioning amoeba. anyway, i ended up doing a hard re-set on it, and it's working again. whew!

-sometimes when i have a lot on my mind, i like to drive around and listen to music. last night was one of those times. i drove down tons of busy streets for 45 minutes, and i didn't get a single red light that ENTIRE time. you'd think that's a good thing, but as i mentioned earlier, i need to text...a lot. so i need stops. what are the odds that during 45 min of driving, you get no fucking stops at all? that's just a microcosm for my life.

EEEEEEEEK!!!

so someone told me to blog already. well, excuse me, a-hole, but some of us have jobs where we actually work rather than just sit and browse Craigslist ads all fucking day long!!! anyway, here's a Chrissy-skin rug to keep you entertained...

EEEEEEEEK!!!!

random crap

-i had a doc appt today with my neuro specialist. i get worked up when i go in there because at any second he could order me down to the lab to have blood drawn. if you're a regular reader, you know that me and and giving blood means a really pathetic scenario full of panic attacks and flailing body parts.

-i'm reading The Catcher in the Rye again. when i read it the first time, i didn't really relate to the main character. my life was all on track, and i was pretty happy. but here lately i've felt lost and not sure about where my path lies. my sis was talking about reading it so i dug up my copy. i'm relating much more this time so i'm enjoying it much more, too.

-Honda got new tires finally! and he got a detail. he's so happy. he tells me everyday. plus, he just passed 30, 000 miles. he's been hinting that he wants to take a road trip.

-i've been battling a really bad case of nausea for about a month. i've lost like fifteen pounds. i'm pretty sure the root of the stomach problems is this stupid town. it's ugly, it stinks, and it's still freakin' dry. i'm going to end up keeling over from old age before i can walk down the street to pick up a beer.

conversation of the day

this took place with Tangerine dream. (by the way, yesterday he made all his employees start calling him Maestro...)

me: i had a dream you had to go into some witness protection type deal.

T.D.: really? did i get a whole new life? new family?

me: i guess. it was kind of sad because we knew we would never see you again.

T.D.: did i change my name to Maestro?

me: i don't know what your dumbass name was.

T.D.: ugh! i hope the dream comes true. i want new friendlier siblings. mines suck!

me: fuck you!

T.D.: see?!