my brain is turning to sludge.

now that i'm out of school, my spinal fluid is coagulating and my grey matter is getting mushy. i have proof in the form of a story:

so i'm making Tuna Helper because my broke ass can't afford to eat McDonald's every day anymore. i bust out the skillet and, rather than measuring any liquids, just eyeball it. here lies my first mistake. i throw the noodles, sauce powder, and tuna in the pan and go watch some TV. by the time i go check it, it's over boiled onto my nice, clean stove top. sumbitch. so i wait until the damn thing is done cooking. that's when my stagnant brain kicks in.

i start cleaning the mess in the kitchen before it gets crusty and will need chiseling. then, without thinking, i grab the burner with my hand to lift it in order to clean underneath. did i mention that this burner was on mere seconds ago while i cooked the damn Tuna Helper? before i could even feel the pain, my brain kicked in and said, 'ow.' a little late but at least it's working.

so now my finger is burned. great. i knew i didn't cook for a reason.

my neighbor is insane.

first of all, i may come out looking like the insane one by the end of this post, but i assure you that i am not. really. i mean it.

so the illegal, OCDs moved out and i got a new crackhead for a neighbor. i don't think he works because he's always home. i know this because every time i swing by my apartment, i can hear him. and, no, i'm not standing at our shared wall with my ear pressed against it. he's loud. very loud. but not normal living loud. he's always stumbling around in his apartment and either falling repeatedly or having flailing seizures. he makes so much commotion that the whole building literally shudders each time. and he's always slamming his door, but he never goes anywhere. i'm not sure why he keeps slamming it. the other day as i was leaving my apartment, i noticed that there are heavy black marks on his door where someone (i'm thinking him) was trying to kick it in. on yet another occasion, i saw him leaving as i was leaving so i hoped to get a good look at him because the guy who installed his cable said he looked like an insane asylum escapee. before he left though, he stopped at his door, starting muttering to himself, and went back in leaving his door wide open.

today, i noticed a note on his door. i was curious if the other neighbors were leaving him hate mail so i tippy toed over there to peek at the note which was neatly folded in half and attached to the clip. i was positive that i would be caught in the act, but i had to know if i needed to add my own colorful insights about his creepy behavior. just as i was within millimeters of the piece of paper, another neighbor's door swung open. i yelped and ran down the stairs without looking back. i hope i don't go home to hate mail on my door...

luscious locks

i was looking at my hair in the mirror last night trying to decide what tragic thing to do to it this time around when i decided i will probably not cut it. it's down to the middle of my back, and i was considering chopping all off which i have done in the past. i'm not some sappy woman who cries when i have to cut my hair. i mean, it grows back for Petey's sake. but then i noticed how healthy it is. i treat it like a wartime prisoner with copious amounts of bleach, dye, more bleach, hair products, and then another round of bleach, and it's still shiny, silky, and stunning. so rather than going short, i think i will mistreat it with more bleach...

ketchup

-NaNoWriMo is coming up, and i don't know if i should even attempt it because my life is crazy, but at the same time, i should be able to write a novel in a month now that i don't have school. i mean, i wrote one earlier this year in a matter of days thanks to my ever present procrastination tendencies. i'd create a poll or something to see what you guys think, but i'm too lazy. maybe that's my first clue that i should not participate...

-i'm becoming a man hater. i don't really want to because i'd like to find another one, but i can't seem to help it. i'll make a note to post about my ideal mate so you guys can keep your peepers peeled. (well not you, Tangerine Dream, since you can't afford to peel yours anymore than they already are.)

-Halloween is nearing, and i don't know if i want to dress up this year. i'm just not feeling festive. if, however, i run across a costume that reflects my bitter, man-hating attitude, then perhaps i will. i wonder if they sell Rosie O'donnell masks. on second thought, cancel that idea. i don't have enough padding to pull that one off.

-they gave us gumball machines at work. they're ESPN promotional items. no gum, though. i think i'm going to stuff mine with Xanax. that'll teach them not to give us empty gifts.

-i got more gift cards for Bath~n~Body. and one for Express. i have hit the motherload! someone loves me.

-i've been thinking of doing something drastically different with my hair. i dyed it a nice brown the other day on an impulse, but that wasn't a big enough change for me. it's really long so maybe i should cut it. or maybe i should dye it again. if it wasn't so damn straight, i'd kink it up into a fro, but my hair just won't do that.

exhilaration

i just told someone at work to shove it. man, i have not told anyone that colorful phrase in a long time! it felt good.

i think i have a tapeworm.

because i've been eating McDonald's nonstop in a pathetic attempt at winning a major Monopoly prize, but yet i'm still losing weight. despite this little goldmine, i've decided to put myself on a diet. the plan was to follow a sensible eating plan, but things went awry this morning when i inadvertently stumbled onto a great appetite suppressant. sugar! that's right. as i hunched over my coffee cup with the sugar container, i must have fallen asleep. when i woke up, my coffee was more like syrup than a drinkable beverage, but that didn't deter me. no sir. people in third world countries are wasting away so i felt the need to consume my drink regardless of how it would affect my digestive system. so chug a lug i go. it really upset my stomach. to the point where i could barely even use the caramel latte lipgloss that i'm pretty much just squirting into my mouth because it tastes so yummy. so while this diet may not work for, say, diabetics or people actually wanting to lose weight, it kind of works for me. i'm just going to go with it.

M&M issues

i thought my M&M called me a dork. but he was just saying dark.

making out like a bandit

here lately, i've been getting tons of freebies. the dude at the Rosa's counter gave me a free movie rental at Blockbuster. i was with a group of people, and no one else got one. and when i went to Blockbuster, i could not remember what i did with said coupon. but the dude working that counter said he'd take care of it, and i got a free rental anyway. super! then i got a free gift card from Bath~n~Body. by the time i got around to using it, i had already received another one plus one from Victoria's Secret! not only will i be smelling like caramel, but i'll be looking hot in my new lingerie. i also got some birthday freebies from Sephora. it just doesn't get any better than this.

splendid idea

one of the big bosses up here at my work told my supervisor that he wished 'we could just clone christine.' i think that's a great idea. i've been pushing for someone to clone me for quite some time just so that i could get everything done. but now i realize the other benefits. i wouldn't have to deal with everyone's inane conversation because everything i say is full of wit and wisdom. all of me would actually be literate and stunning. sure, we'd all watch a lot of TV, but that's okay when you are a good steward of your time. (and by being a good steward, i mean finding shortcuts for everything.) who can't see that this idea is something the US government should be endorsing with all of their money?

people disgust me (or jury doody pt. II)

i didn't get picked for the actual jury, and i didn't have to answer any embarrassing questions. i also wasn't one of the twenty people who was asked to leave because either the prosecution or the defense thought they were douche bags. it was an overall enlightening experience.

what really surprises me is how sloppy people are to go to jury doody. women had flip flops, sandals, jeans, t-shirts, etc. men were wearing equally disgusting attire. it's not a zoo, people. it's a freakin' courthouse. aside from me, there were about three other people who actually dressed in a somewhat presentable way. do women not wear heels anymore? do men not wear dress shirts? you don't have to wear a freakin' prom dress and tuxedo, but sheesh. my mom raised me right.

jury doody

i said doody!!! i went today, and they actually picked me! i get to return for doody tomorrow morning unless the case settles. aside from an 18 month federal grand jury stint, i've never been picked. i'm stoked.

last night, as i was lying down in my apartment with a stomach chock full or biscuits and gravy to the point of deformed distension, i heard a loud banging on my front door. now that i'm single, i had no one to gesture frantically towards so i went about my way of lying around like a gluttonous beast. then, i heard a lot more commotion. someone fell down the stairs! and the first noise i had heard was probably that buffoon losing his balance and using my door as his last, unfortunate attempt at saving himself. being the apathetic American that i am, i ignored that scenario, too. this morning before jury doody and as i opened my door, i wondered if i'd find a body lying at the bottom of the stairwell. i didn't. good for him, i guess.

the single life...

is interesting. i'm not sure if i'm putting out a single vibe or if things have always been this way and i've never noticed, but guys really flock to me. i went to Wal-green's last night sans make-up, contacts, and presentable attire, and every male employee there went out of their way to make sure i was shopping okay. at one point, i was hunkered over my phone in the toilet paper aisle texting someone, and a man came by to flirt. to top it all off, i was sick. can you imagine if i had been well?

and i went to visit my sister's old man at the prison. don't even get me started on the near riot i caused there. apparently, even a gay dude had the hots for me which created quite the buzz among the inmates that didn't even get to see me. my brother in law is having to beat them off with a stick or whatever prison friendly weapon he has available to him.

and of course, i went to the mall today and a chick hit on me. she said i looked great and wanted to know if i was married. but it's not all based on appearance. i spoke with a customer on the phone the other day who wanted to meet me and also asked if i was married. talk about me putting out pheromones or something! i'm not sure i can handle all this attention. who am i kidding? i love attention!