random news

-so this lady decided to advertise online to hire a hit man to off her husband. on the one hand i feel like she's too dumb to live, but i don't blame her poor judgment. the cheating bastard probably drove her to insanity.

-these fugly little animals don't feel pain. that's cause they don't have to deal with the United States Post Office. every time i have to talk to those buffoons, i get a sharp stabbing pain behind my right eye.

-Hershey's is hiking up prices. good thing i've turned into a healthy eating, yoga doing, productive member of society or i'd just slash my wrists right now.

-i had to work on MLK Day, but other Americans were out celebrating the way Americans do:

my heart's all a flutter

i needed to go get something from the store, and i chose a particular one here in town because i had a coupon. i never go to that store because a friend of mine works there, and i never want to see him. you'll see why by the end of this post. anyway, i looked like crap and was hoping to just run in and run out. of course it was busy, and there were like two douche bags running the whole damn place so i had to wait for about six days to get help. i finally got the item i need, and i was home free because i didn't run into my friend. but then i thought to myself that i should look at one more item since iwas already there. i stepped into a main aisle to get a better look of the store layout, and who was coming right at me with a grin? my friend. crap. why didn't i leave when i had the chance? anyway, we talked for a long time. it was great. here's the reason i avoid him. we have a really strong, natural attraction to each other. we always have. we quit hanging out because i was in a committed relationship with b.a., and i didn't need the temptation. (of course, knowing what i know now, i'd have just kept hanging out with my friend, but that's a story for another post.) well the attraction is still there. even though i was sure i looked like death warmed over, he told me i was just as beautiful as the day he met me. and he even commented on my glasses. yay! i knew i did a good job picking them out. but i digress. (by the way, the reason we never hooked up was because when i was single he was always in a relationship, and when he was single i was always in one. but now we're both single.) when we finally parted ways, i could not even think straight or keep the smile off my face. so now the real question. should i call him or avoid him like the plague? i'm terrified of getting into something i can't handle right now. but it was so great seeing him. also, rebound relationships never work. but who said i wanted a relationship? my New Year's resolution was to be a big ol' slut so who better to kick it off than with someone i already know and trust? i don't know what to do so i'm going to go cook dinner and relax and see if the answer comes.

helpin' a brotha out

poor little Cornelius doesn't have much in the eyebrow department. how's he supposed to express himself? so i've generously offered to carry an eyebrow pencil and fill them in according to his mood. here's a preview:

angry Cornelious



surprised Cornelius


worried Cornelius


confused Cornelius


plotting Cornelius


Brooke Shields Cornelius


unibrow Cornelius

random shit

- my glasses feel crooked. actually, i think my face was crooked when i got them adjusted, but now my face is fine. so my glasses don't fit anymore. how am i supposed to explain that to the eyeglass technician?

- i'm thinking of getting one of those fire pit thingies for outside. my new patio rocks, and i need to keep my peeps warm when they come hang.

- speaking of peeps, some of mine are having a "deep fried Sunday." apparently if i bring it, they'll deep fry it. i thought of taking my weasels, but they're not very meaty. i don't know what else to take. everything tastes better fried, though. can you just fry sticks of butter?

- i have been dying to see Juno, but i just can't seem to work it into my schedule. i have tentative plans on Saturday to go see it. everyone cross your fingers for the rest of the week to ensure that i make it. (your discomfort means little in comparison with my happiness, right?)

- i got to hang out with little Cornelius for a while yesterday. he's so perfect! i almost stuffed him under my shirt and stole him, but my sister has the eyes of a hawk. somehow she can keep up with her fifty kids and immediately knows when one has gone missing without permission.

- i was just talking to my coworker about my weasel's little teddy bear ears. just thinking about them made me happy.

Cloverfield

so some peeps and i went to see Cloverfield on Friday. we're easily swayed by propaganda and hype so it was inevitable. i was secretly hoping the monster would be the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, but alas it was not. also, if you plan to watch it, be aware that it will be a bit of a barf-o-rama. i have never had motion sickness in my life, but even i had to close my eyes several times and say some hail marys to keep from blowing chunks. i've read that tons of people have gotten sick during the movie thanks to the first person video camera point of view. i bet all those minimum wage douche bags who work at the cinemas are slashing their wrists left and right. anyway, here is my concise review.

***spoilers***

wtf?!?! so myriads of us ran to the theater on opening day to finally get some answers. what's the giant thing attacking New York City? where the hell did it come from? what does the government do to stop the chaos and show that America is still a bad ass? well there are no answers, folks. we're just as dumbfounded coming out of the theater as we were going in. oh, and the closing credit music was the most ridiculous thing i have ever heard in my life. i half expected Bela Lugosi to reach around from behind my seat and grab my boob.

brrrrr.

it's ridiculously cold here in Lubbsuck. who's bright idea was winter anyway? i'm ready, though. i bought firewood yesterday so i can hibernate tonight. there are also back to back Law & Orders scheduled. unfortunately, i'm working later than usual, but i should be home early enough to curl up into a ball and whimper until i generate enough body heat to survive. on the bright side, winter sure does suit little Cornelius.

still tired

this weekend took its toll on me. i feel exhausted, and i'm not even the one who had the baby! being in the hospital really bites. they suck all the naturalness out of the birthing process and fill it up with procedures, policies, and paranoia. when they finally released G.D. and the baby, we ran out of there as fast as we could and didn't look back.

i've been helping G.D. with her other kids so she could ease back into her hectic life. i love playing mom. her kids plus the new baby just reinforce the feeling that i'm ready for that stage in my life. of course i'm not rushing into anything. just mulling things over in my head while i let the kids pick dinner. (Spaghetti-Os and Oscar Mayer Little Smokies) so who knows. maybe i'll have my own soon.

reality blogging (again!)

today's the day for Cornelius Consuelo to be born. (didn't i say that last week?) we're giving it another go, and if he doesn't cooperate, the doc is going in to get him. take that!

4:oo am- my new shower has opposite controls as my old one. when i got in, the water felt a little cold so, still half asleep, i turned the knob...the wrong way. i smelled the searing flesh before i felt it. not a good way to start a long day.

4:45 am- we had been told to get to the hospital between 4:30 and 5:oo. i called to make sure. the damn nurse said to be there at 5:45. i could have slept in another hour. damn her! i'll be sure to take it out on everyone once we arrive. maybe i'll stop for breakfast.

6:15 am- we have the worst nurse ever! she's very by the book. she refuses to start G.D.'s induction until her tongue ring comes out, but she can't get it out. it's been in there for years.

7:45 am- the tongue ring came out on its own. guess all that tugging loosened it. good thing G.D. didn't choke on it, or we'd be filing a lawsuit for crappy care.

8:00 am- the induction has been stopped. the baby is transverse. it's using G.D.'s pelvis like a hammock. it's not a lounge, Cornelius! it's a womb.

8:15 am- this hospital is the worst ever! i was on the phone with a member of G.D.'s church when a rude douche bag came in and yelled, 'do you want a C section?' we both looked at him but were speechless. i thought he was accidentally in the wrong room. he said he was an anesthesiologist. G.D. replied that, no, she did not want a C section. the douche proceeded to explain that if G.D. did not do everything the nurse asked her to do, that's exactly what she was going to get. wtf?!?! we explained that G.D. had done everything the nurse had asked her so he needed to simmer down. he thought we had messed with the monitors. what the fuck is it with those damn monitors? that's the same reason the Nazi nurse yelled at her last week. you know, back in the day, women had all kinds of births without monitors. anyway, the guy stormed out after a couple of our bewildered comments.

12:00 pm- the doctor came in and broke G.D.'s water so she's having this baby today somehow or another. i'm also giving the baby a spanking as soon as i see him because he's been so bad throughout this whole experience.

3:24 pm- about four centimeters dilated. G.D. is grouchy from the labor. i need a Rockstar.

6:00 pm- G.D. ended up getting an epidural. her last two kids were delivered without one, but this one is just a problem child. G.D. was tired and super grouchy. well actually, she was prob grouchy because the nurse is a weirdo. she keeps asking G.D. to be her best friend. i've already told her that, no, she will not be her best friend. i've also had to snap at her when G.D. was having a contraction and the nurse wanted her to roll over. can she not fucking wait? sheesh. G.D. is about nine centimeters dilated. i will get to meet Cornelious Consuelo Fuckwin soon.

7:00 pm- baby here! i don't remember the exact time, but it was around 6:30. G.D. did so great. she pushed him out like it was nothing, and he was huge! i got to cut the cord, too. so we've already bonded. i guess he won't get his spankings after all. we thought today would never come! and to top things off, today is the 11th which has a lot of significance in my family as a great day. i will be thanking God in my prayers tonight for things going so well.

boo hoo hoo hoo

i'm crying cause it works! just look at Hillary Clinton. some people think that her recent teary eyed showing of humanity won her the New Hampshire primary. i didn't see it because, honestly, her face gives me the willies. but i'm saying we should all get in on the fun. come on, Obamalama! shed some tears. show some leg while you're at it just to cover all the bases. don't let Michigan slip through your fingers.

a whole new me

i got new glasses today. i picked some that make me look smart and creative. well, i am smart and creative, but these just help propagate the image. i'm hoping they will help spur along the writing that i'm totally not doing. in my defense, though, i have been busy setting up my new home. since my desktop is set up but not yet hooked up to the cable, i will describe the glasses in excruciating detail. they are Nicole Millers with thick black, wide frames. okay, so that's not too much detail. the glasses aren't doing their job and making me write any better. i wonder if i should call the optometrist and demand my money back. oh wait. i didn't pay for them. my insurance did. well crap.

i do believe today is the happiest day of my life.

and let me tell you why. my washer and dryer were just delivered. now that may seem like small potatoes to the likes of many of you loyal readers, but it's not for me. it's huge! no more going out in sub zero weather to wash gym socks. no more lugging enormous laundry bags up and down fifty flights of stairs just so i don't have to go commando. no more digging into the depths of my purse for quarters to wash out the hair dye on my towels. nope. this is the life, i tell you. i'm blogging a mere ten feet away from my soon to be freshly clean clothes. and the weasels are loving it! (no, they're not in the wash. i meant they like all the exciting noises the machines are making. don't sic Peta on me yet.) i don't believe that this day can get any better!

***update***

a mere seconds after i hit the 'publish post' button, the UPS guy knocked and delivered my new bedding! this day did get better! now that i'm single, i got the girliest, cutest, pinkest, stripiest set at Target. i plan to take a picture as soon as i get my desktop computer set up. yay!

the dumb and the blind

yesterday i was shopping for cleaning supplies, and i was standing in the aisle of the dollar store wearing a jacket, some ridiculously wide legged pants, and a NIN shirt. i was also holding a little shopping basket. a stupid bitch came up and asked me if i worked there. i rolled my eyes and ignored her. but that's not even the worst of it. when Gold Digger was attempting to give birth last Friday and nothing was happening, we decided to walk around the hospital to see if the baby might drop a little. naturally, we stopped by the nursery to peek in on the less stubborn babies. there were two in there. one group of people was parked outside the window obviously cooing over their bundle of joy. then one old bag turned to my sister, pointed to the other baby, and asked, 'is that one yours?' now, i'm not one to be rude or anything, but G.D.'s stomach is freaking huge. her baby is like nine pounds and she has extra amniotic fluid. and it's not like she's fat so it's hard to tell she's with child. anyway, when the dumb bitch asked my sister if that other baby was hers, G.D. pointed to her stomach and said, 'no, mine is right here.' i really don't get how some people survive in this world when they are so damn dumb.

finally!

so i've been moving. i haven't blogged about it because b.a. and his fat whore of a girlfriend like to keep tabs on my life. anyway, i love my new place! it's so spacious and great for entertaining. friends and family are allowed over any time, and i am shopping for a dog, too. i'm mainly looking to adopt one out of a shelter, but i really want a Dobie. so i'll be patient until the right one comes along. once i find him, though, we'll be inseparable. we'll be at parks and out meeting people together all the time. maybe we'll even meet other Dobies. anyway, it's late, and i just got home so it's time to hit the hay. ta ta.

reality blogging

it's kinda sorta like reality TV but in blog form. i'm going to be blogging live tonight and in real time. it's the big day for Cornelius Consuelo to be born. i've had the pleasure of having many nieces and nephews, each of who i love very much and in their own unique way, but this time is the first time i will actually be in the room for the birth. since i'm the designated 'support person,' i am taking my job seriously. that means kicking chipper nurses in the teeth or threatening annoying visitors until they leave. some people might call me aggressive, but my sister calls it enthusiastic. so here we go... (by the way, the process of labor is not that fast so don't check back every minute for an update. i will post regularly, though.)

9:20 pm- G.D. just got strapped in. and i literally mean strapped. she's hooked up to all kinds of monitors. when my sister told her she had every intent to remove some of the monitors later on when they became uncomfortable, the overly nice nurse tried to explain each one's important purpose. i quickly told the nurse that this baby is G.D.'s sixth so lay off the explanations. just doing my job, i say.

9:30 pm- G.D. asked what one of the nurse's name was, and i said, "Glenda like the witch." the nurse heard me. honestly, i didn't try to whisper it.

10:20 pm- we're watching the Dallas Cowboy cheerleader tryouts reality show marathon on CMT. in other words, nothing is happening on the labor front.

11:50 pm- still nothing is happening. i'm starving, and the damn cafeteria's closed. apparently there's some vending machines in the basement, but i need real food. i keep seeing commercials for all kinds of delicious looking food which are just taunting me. i wish i had a man slave to bring me some pizza or something.

3:00 am- still no baby. little Cornelius Consuelo just loves it in the womb. we can't sleep either. the nurse keeps having to come in to adjust all the damn sensors that my sister is having to wear. all i brought were granola bars, and i've eaten like fifty. i feel like a gerbil or something. i thought asking the hospital personnel where the hot doctors were cause all i see are ugly nurses, but they barely let me in. ever since Lubbsuck made national news for practically giving babies away to strange people, they check IDs, and i don't have mine. so i figure i'd better not press my luck.

7:25 am- no change on the baby front. but we got a new nurse at shift change, and her name is Tabitha. G.D. pointed out that Tabitha is also a witch's name. something ain't right at this hospital.

8:15 am- a crazy nurse just came in to adjust these damn monitors and was super grouchy. she yelled when my sister told her to hold on so she could send an email. the lady snapped, "don't you care about your baby?!?!' after harassing us for a while longer, she stormed out throwing stuff and yelling about getting one of the witch nurses. i made sure to ask my sister loudly what that nurse's problem was. hopefully Nazi nurse won't come back. anyhow, if nothing changes by ten, they're sending G.D. home. no sense in hanging around here if the baby refuses to cooperate.

1:30 pm- baby not here. going home. exhausted.