about time

it's been awhile since i blogged. i've been in a Chocolatey Lucky Charms induced coma. now that i've awoken, i have nothing much to say. i have company in the form of an obnoxious older brother. he tried to hijack my blog but was quickly thwarted by my superhero caliber powers of intuition and suspicion.

"Lazy Sunday"

apparently, these two yahoos work for SNL and made up a little video that aired last week. since then, the dumbasses who surf the web all day have made it one of the currently top downloaded videos. it's pretty funny. i especially like the engaging banter involving the best internet map service available. check it out for yourself, yo.

Syriana

i usually go to the movies on Christmas day because, quite frankly, there is nothing else open. this year, the goal was to get tickets for The Chronicles of Narnia, but it was unattained. so, instead, my peeps and i got to see Syriana. it was a really great, thought-provoking movie that makes you angry and sad all at once. the fact that it is much closer to fact than fiction only adds to the feelings it invokes. don't get me wrong. i am as patriotic as they come. i honestly believe we live in the best country in the world, but i am also realistic. i know our perfect facade is one that is beginning to chip away in the clear eyes of other countries. Americans need to wake up from their slumber and see with clear eyes, too. being an American comes with duties and responsibilities. we cannot sit idly by and watch all that our ancestors have worked to achieve slip through our fingers like sand. i'm not sure if i'm still talking about Syriana...

Christmas presents 2005

even though i was too bitter and jaded to celebrate my favorite holiday this year, my bitter half (who will be known as b.h. from here on out) surprised me with a Christmas gift basket. he wrapped it himself, and i must say he did an excellent job. (click on the images if you'd like a closer look.)



here's the first thing i received. it's a t-shirt from Hot Topic with a pic of the Boondock Saints on the front and their killing prayer on the back. i am in LOVE with this shirt! b.h. knows me so well.



i got some miscellaneous stuff like chipotle black bean dip, pumpkin butter (sounds yummy! i'll let you know if it's as tasty as it sounds after i get a chance to sample it), chocolates, nuts, Coke in a festive bottle, and some bar utensils.



b.h. got me a couple of books. one is a much needed writer's market. the other is a Dean Koontz bestseller that he thought sounded interesting. then there's a Christmas Eeyore complete with a detachable tail.



and the grand finale was a pair of pink sapphire rings! aren't they beautiful?



i actually felt a twinge of Christmas spirit after i opened my present. i can't thank b.h. enough right now.

crane jerky

before

after

It's a Wonderful Life

as i sit here and watch this perennial favorite, i wonder what happened to actors with class. i love Jimmy Stewart. his voice, his look, his style- it is all so unique and entertaining on so many levels. this movie is also such a great example of the holiday spirit, and it is a reminder of what is really important in life. who can hold back the sadness when George Bailey spirals down into self destruction? and who can help but feel his triumph when everyone repays his years of kindness and compassion by redeeming him at the end?

'What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word, and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary.'- George to Mary

'You're worth more dead than alive.'- Mr. Potter to George Bailey

'Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around, he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?'- Clarence

'You see, George, you've really had a wonderful life. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to just throw it all away?'- Clarence

Remember, George. No man is a failure who has friends.- from Clarence to George

my sentiments exactly...

my family

Dad- a paranoid perfectionist who buckles under stress faster than i can say, 'get this man some Valium!'; very generous with the green, however, so let the man have his episodes

Mom- way more intelligent than she gives herself credit for being, but she still says share when she means chair

Sister- we're almost the same person except she's nicer than i am, more outgoing than i am, taller than me, has different colored hair than i do, and she doesn't believe TV is the best pastime in the world. we're totally different.

Brother- watches so much TV that i'm positive he must watch 8 shows simultaneously in order to keep up with so many series; calls me chreeeesy when he's drunk (which is pretty much all the time); lives in an igloo

my vacation has bipolar disorder.

overall, i must say this vacation sucks. it's stressful, work-filled, and kind of depressing. however, as i sit here and blog away, i am content and relaxed. i plan to spend tomorrow watching TV and/or reading until my eyeballs pop out of my head and roll around on the floor. then, i will sleep and dream of a never ending supply of Mickey D's Holiday pies until my peepers regenerate. at that time, i will resume my TV watching/novel reading until it's time for bed. no amount of slothfulness will be too much tomorrow.

random news

scientists claim that more rings were found around Uranus. next time try Charmin triple ply.

the publishers of the U.S. Catholic magazine are profusely apologizing for inadvertenly allowing an image of a condom covered Virgin Mary to be published in its December 5th edition. in a statement released by a Jesuit priest who runs the magazine, it was discovered that the image was allowed to print because 'no one noticed the giant rubber prophylactic enshrouding our most sacred icon. besides, the devil made me do it.'

status

def: position relative to that of others; high standing or prestige; the legal character or condition of a person or thing; a state of affairs or situation

usage: the current status of the American judicial system leaves much to be desired.

i expect people in positions of power and who claim to possess four year degrees to know the definition of the word status. maybe i expect too much. maybe my standards are too high. or, maybe i just don't like dumbasses to attain such levels of authority. if you are not basically familiar with the English language, please go work for the fast food industry where you belong.

curled in the fetal position

i plan to curl myself into the fetal position on my bed and watch daytime TV until, well, it's time for primetime TV. it's difficult to find inner strength when you have given all you have and still have not made progress in your own personal war. (although, i know that sometimes it only seems no progress has been made.) it's time to call in the big guns. for those of you who don't know my personal situation, i will elaborate more later. it's pretty much damn near impossible to type when you're lying shrimp-like in front of the television.

no where close

i'm no where close to hitting my 100th post so i'm not sure why i made it my short term goal. i think this post is number 44 or something. i'm pretty much writing this one just to inflate my numbers.

hello my name is Simon,

and i like to do drawrings... isn't this critter the cutest critter in the world? and he's probably way more intelligent than any of you blurkers out there. i thought he deserved his own post.

men are dumb, and i can prove it.

am i a man-hater, you ask? why, no. not yet anyway. but i read an article that confirms my suspicions. it doesn't technically say that men are feeble minded inferiors, but it should. according to those rascally Canadians in Talfourd Creek, the gargantuan amounts of pollution in the environment are wreaking havoc on the residents. looks like the girl to boy ratio in this wasteland is askew. girls are popping out of mothers at an unusually high rate of 2 girls to every 1 boy. (the normal ratio is generally 1:1.) of course i wouldn't say that 'natural' selection is weeding out the weaker sex but more like technological selection. sure looks like the more men pollute our world, the more they seal their fate. can't say i'll miss 'em, really. if you want to read the entire informative article, you can find it here. i don't recommend men attempt to comprehend its complex statistics and language. take it from us girls. your fate is doomed!!!

don't read me.

apparently you can't follow directions because you're still reading. i don't have anything even remotely productive or intelligent to blog, and i warned you. my vacation officially starts in 50 minutes. i actually started it yesterday when i decided that doing my job was beneath me. i have this desire to book it to Mexico or at least South Padre and park myself on a beach with a case of Dos Equis and a good novel. instead, i will be blogging every hour for no sane reason whatsoever. i may even resort to posting my grocery list, the ingredients label from a box of Chocolate Lucky Charms, and pictures of my blog postings in order to hit my 100th post. see what my life has been reduced to?

my body has aged 60 years this week.

yes, i live in the body of an old woman now. i still have this ridiculously persistent headache. although, i'm beginning to think its roots lie somewhere between caffeine withdrawal and total lack of sleep. my back is hunch-like and progressively getting worse. my fingers are in a perpetual flexed position. that, combined with my new bent over posture, makes it appear as if i'm constantly trying to claw my way through the floor. now, my rack is still fabulous and perky. it's the only part of my body that hasn't succumbed to the ravishes of rapid, stress induced aging. no one can appreciate it, though, because they're too busy staring at the pulsating veins in my temples and listening to the wheezing gasps of breath i take with each shuffle. i'm days away from resorting to a walker and a mere week away from needing to utilize an old people scooter when i do my grocery shopping. i thought things would get better after my classes ended, but it seems as if my mettle is being tested. there was no need for a test. i can assure you, my mettle is as flimsy as the excuse i use when i shirk homework duties and sheepishly tell my prof i am conducting a behavior analysis on slacker-type personalities.

the spoils of a wasted life

as i stated on my potential new year's resolutions post, i was considering starting another blog. well, i have started creating one, and i will be working on it over my holiday break if i have the time. it's going to be a more artsy fartsy type blog with aesthetic pictures from my digi cam, interesting quotes i may find while shirking work duties, snippets of writing from my portfolio, and the like. there is a link to your right if you wish to scope it out, yo.

headache from Hades

i feel a sharp stabbing pain behind my right eye, my neck has developed an involuntary twitch causing my head to bob abnormally to one side, and everywhere i look i see speckles of incandescence akin to twinkling Christmas lights. i wonder if i should be concerned.

aaaahhh!!!

i am finally done with this semester! can i get a collective whoop whoop?!?! my final final took place at approximately 1:30 today, and i can say with certainty that it was a masterpiece. i actually did the Snoopy* dance when it was completed. with the burden that is Texas Tech off my back, i can now focus on my Martha Stewart-like crafts and general Christmas time merry-making. (and when i mention my Martha Stewart type craftiness, i don't mean the kind that will land me in a 6' by 6' cell.) it looks like i may actually survive this sorry excuse for a year!

* i've included a demonstration for you poor culturally deprived souls who are scratching your heads wondering, 'who is Snoopy, and what is this dance of his?'

down in the dumps

i know i haven't written a post recently. i don't need you reminding me that i am 'neglecting my audience' which i'm pretty sure only consists of a few select family members with nothing better to do with their time and a regular band of blurkers who are too intimidated by my superior writing to contribute any of their own. the truth of the matter is that i am not in the blogging mood. surprising, i know. do not fret, however. i will be dragging myself to the gym tonight in order to work some of my aggressions out on the stairclimber. i'm sure i will feel much better after i jam someone's generic MP3 player into the slot reserved for energy drinks, pile 400 pounds worth of weights on each step, and then rip the LED display from its lifeless body. i call it the 'Bite Me' workout. try it sometime.

yesterday

this is how i expected yesterday to unfold:

after i pulled an all nighter, i expected to arrive at school early and ace my first exam. then i'd go home, study for my next exam, and take a nap. after rising from my perfect slumber, i'd go to work and goof off for a couple of hours. then i'd go ace exam number two, finish goofing off at work, and go home to watch Law and Order. by midnight, i'd be dreaming about M&Ms big enough to live in.

here is how yesterday really unfolded:

i go to school, and ace my exam. (did you expect anything less? i mean, really.) i go home and study. here's where things begin to go awry. i can't sleep. i didn't get a second of sleep the night before, and yet i can't sleep now. so i go to work. i'm there for about twenty minutes when my phone rings. it's a family emergency. i jump up, hurdle my cubicle wall, and win the gold medal by the time i arrive at my supervisor's office. i announce that i am leaving, and i will be back 'someday.' i attend to my family's needs as best as i can. somehow, i find myself in the midst of Cold War Russia...well, at least if feels like it. i know i started the day as an American citizen, but somehow between then and now, i was transported to an alternate universe. or else i just witnessed a government agency take a huge dump on the Constitution. i somehow manage to drive myself to school where i can barely focus on my final. (yes, i still aced it. did you even have to ask?) i still have to go back to work to finish goofing off so there i go. afterwards, i have family concerns to handle so my date with my Magnavox is postponed. by the time my head touches my pillow it's past three. i can't sleep. my alarm clock gives me the finger when i finally do enter REM.

can you spot the differences between these two pictures?

yeehaw!

(i can say that because i'm from Texas.) well looks like ol' Trent Reznor is a touring fool now. he's planning another North American tour next year, and he just announced some Texas dates. i sold a kidney to see Nine Inch Nails the last time they were in Austin so i may have to resort to prostitution this time around. either way, i didn't learn my lesson with the broken, bruised, forgotten, and sore body in Dallas so i will be in the pit again fo' sho'. and, to top it all off, the show is on a Friday. i sense a weekend of music, mayhem, and debauchery. i'll be installing a countdown timer on my blog for this one.

mutant noodles

i eat a lot of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup so i'm well aware of what the noodles are supposed to look like, and these specimens are not it. just look at them! they're not noodles, they're sheets of pasta. some stoned employee forgot to shape my noodles, and i demand restitution. i'm sending this exact photo along with a strongly worded letter to the Campbell's company. i'll let you know what transpires.

the wonderful world of Wally

and by wonderful i mean crappy. i went to Wal-mart at midnight in order to see if they carried a particular camcorder battery (which was imperative that i have since my procrastinating self needed it to record a video midterm due first thing in the morning.) anyhow, i call beforehand to see if they carry the correct one, but the uninformed associate who i speak with sounds typically inept and unaware. so i brave frost bite inducing weather in order to haul myself to the store in search of the battery. while there, i find the first Wal-mart qualified employee to show me where the camcorder batteries are located, and i'm pointed in the presumably right direction. when i get to where i am told the batteries live, i find three giant pallets of merchandise blocking my view. so i return to the afore mentioned employee and tell her my dilemma. she tells me that if the batteries are behind the pallets, there is 'nothing i can do. i can't move them.' i take this opportunity to sigh heavily in her direction and tell her to find someone who can because i called and was told i could come browse for the battery. i mention how the employee i spoke to on the phone made no mention of the giant mountains of unstocked merchandise i would have to see through in order to locate what i need. (besides, the x-ray vision glasses i ordered from the Archie comic book back cover haven't arrived yet so even if he had said something, i was plumb out of luck.) so she proceeds to go and peek around the merchandise as best as she can and points at the first thing she sees and asks me if it's what i need. i say, 'that's a rechargeable battery charger. i need a camcorder battery so, no, that's not what i need.' i make a mental note that this employee is either blind or illiterate. another associate walks by who seems a little more aware of his surroundings so my blind/illiterate helper asks for assistance. this new employee sheds some light on the entire situation and shows me where the batteries are really located. by this time, i've wasted about six hours of my life. i look through the batteries, and there is nothing even remotely resembling what i need. apparently, Wal-mart only stocks giant brick shaped batteries normally used in 80s era camcorder prototypes. i leave wishing i had just stayed at home in my toasty 90 degree apartment. damn.

i have lost the will to live!!!

or, more precisely, i've lost the instinct to live. i keep forgetting to eat. who forgets to eat?!?! i mean, really. i often find myself at work on my hands and knees looking for anything that the vending machine will mistake for a dime because i didn't eat any lunch. and i never eat breakfast (unless by breakfast you mean a multi-vitamin and twelve pots of coffee.) of course, i never find anything to shove into the machine so i resort to violently shaking and beating it hoping it will begin hurling granola bars and powdered donuts in my direction in a feeble attempt to save its life. unfortunately, the damn machine has a death wish or a masochistic tendency because i always end up empty handed. today, as i sunk to the floor with every intention of reaching my now anorexic arm into the slot to try to steal a bag of hot fries, i realized i'd hit a new low. when you have to incorporate 'eat' into your daily to do list in order to remember to actually consume some life sustaining product, you need a vacation. good thing mine starts in a week and a half.

after my K.O. of the vending machine, i decided to watch some TV. my job rocks. not only did i get to see Dodgeball on Saturday, but i get to watch the whole Peanuts gang point and laugh at poor Charlie Brown for picking the losing end of the Christmas tree natural selection battle. A Charlie Brown Christmas is must see TV. 'Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you are the Charlie Browniest.'

i need a haircut.

i was walking to my car yesterday and admiring my shadow, when i noticed my hair is ridiculously long. it's practically sweeping the floor behind me as walk. i can't remember the last time i actually got a hair cut, but it must have been earlier this year. i think my follicles are producing at an exponential rate. the problem here is that i have no time for a hair cut. although my last day of class is tomorrow, i have four finals looming. by the time i make it to the hair stylist, my hair will be long enough to classify it as the eighth wonder of the world. Captain Picard and the crew will be able to see it with their naked eyes when they're orbiting above us. people will line up around the block to glimpse its massiveness. well i have to go. holding up a head with such humongous quantities of hair and brains is tiring. i need to lay down.

things i like (part II)

1. my new digital camera- not only did i get a spectacular deal on it (without using the five finger discount, by the way), but i didn't even have to shove one overzealous Christmas shopper into a pile of fake snow to get it. although, when i come to think of it, that may have actually made the experience better...

2. radishes- nothing is funnier than a radish. of all the root vegetables, radishes are by far the most happy.

3. coffee- what would i be without this heavenly beverage? i'd be a prostrate pile of worthlessness, that's what.

4. people who don't text me at 3 o'clock in the morning just to see if i'm awake- those people are courteous and considerate while the ones who participate in this practice are not. now, admittedly, i don't sleep so i was not really disturbed, but since i don't sleep, such texts are pointless. yes, i am awake at 3 o'clock in the morning.

i work in hell.

yes, that's right- i work amidst brimstone and the gnashing of teeth. to clarify, the damn heat in this building will not turn off! the thermostat is possessed by the devil. i'm sure of it. no matter how many times a sweat drenched employee drags himself to the dial in an attempt to change it, the effort is futile. by the time each bedraggled coworker has returned to his/her desk, the thermostat has mysteriously returned itself to the setting labeled 'surface of the sun.' the water in my fish tank has almost entirely evaporated, and poor Monica is crouching in a corner savoring her last minutes of life. for the love of God, pray for our souls!!!

tgif

ah! Friday has arrived, and with it, the weekend draws nigh. if i can make it through my Friday classes, i may just survive the semester. if i had the strength, i'd add a little countdown timer to my blog to tick away the minutes until my last final is over...but i don't. so i'll just continue to remind you (and myself) that this nightmare that i call Fall 2005 will soon end.

potential New Year's resolutions

i know i still have a month before i am socially obligated to try to better myself, but i figured i'd kick around a few ideas before i decide on anything. here's what i'm considering so far:

1. i know most Americans vow to lose weight, and while most of those couch potatoes do actually need to get off of their gargantuan bums and shed some tons, i do not. i could stand to lose a little and perhaps tone up so i may resolve to attend the gym more often.

2. i really need to take the time to send out work and get it published. the process can be very time consuming and, honestly, tedious. i am tentatively resolving to get 3 works published in the coming year even if i have to resort to submitting letters to Playboy.

3. as some of you may know, i've been contemplating the single life. if i decide on ditching my bitter half, i resolve to become a big ol' whore. i'm sure that's not really considered 'bettering' myself, but i will need something to work on for 2007. call it planning ahead. besides, i'm justifying my future behavior with a new study linking creativity with promiscuity. it's a gift and a curse to be so absolutely ingenious, but what can you do?

4. perhaps i'll take up yoga or some other trendy stress releasing pastime. or, maybe i'll just start another blog. who am i kidding? i apparently can't even post regularly on this one. i think bonsai sculpting is supposed to be relaxing...