morning conversation

me: the weasels were panting yesterday.

b.h.: why?

me: it was about ninety degrees in here. maybe i should try the A/C since it's supposed to be about fifteen degrees hotter outside today. i think it's broken, though.

b.h.: why do you think it's broken?

me: i turned it on when i was in a sick and feverish state, and it wasn't blowing cold air.

(i'm then standing on the bed with my hand over the vent trying to decide if the air is cold.)

me: it feels colder than i remember it. maybe i'm crazy. are the chances greater that i'm crazy or that the A/C is not blowing cold air?

(utter silence)

pro·cras·ti·nate (pr-krst-nt)-

v. intr.
To put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness

v. tr.
To postpone or delay needlessly

example:
see any day in the life of christine.

Dear fried foods,

i'm sorry to have to tell you what i'm going to tell you. it's over. yes, our affair is finished. finite. no more. we've had some great times, you and i. remember the time i ate the foot long corny dog, funnel cake, fried Twinkie, and fried Snickers at the fair? what about that really delicious experience i had last week when i ate the jumbo curly fries from the local hamburger stand? and who can forget our regular meetings at Popeye's where i disregard potential bird flu and heart burn in order to eat some spicy chicken strips? but, alas, i cannot continue this torrid romance any longer. today, i felt sharp stabbing pains in my chest area. and yesterday, my size eight jeans cut off the blood supply to my legs. i love you, fried foods, but i love my legs more. so farewell. there are no words to describe how i will miss you in my life. it won't even be a life without you. perhaps, on occasion, i will run into you in a dark alley or glimpse you from a distance, but for now, i must say goodbye.

lovingly,
christine

The dark side of the Force...

is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.

But, alas, i have succumbed. yes, i've finally done it. i'm sporting a blogroll. i've actually been meaning to do it since day one, and now it's day 1,654,506,586,975,657. so there you have it. my morning endeavors all wrapped up into one delicious roll. enjoy!

family portrait

golddigger: i've told everyone that i'm throwing the damn cat in the freezer, and no one seems to care.

i love the smell of rain in the morning.

those of you from less arid parts of the U.S. probably don't realize how great it is to wake up to the smell of moisture, but here in Lubbock where a drop of rain is perceived as a gift from God, it is a luxury. the second i graduate, i'm shaking the dry, powdery dust of this crummy little town off my feet and moving to Austin. i mean that statement literally. the second the Texas Tech official hands me my diploma, i'm going to run screaming with my hands in the air like i just don't care down the aisle and out the door. i will then jump in my prepacked Honda and book it over to a better place.

on another note, i've noticed a lot more people are viewing me on Firefox so i've corrected the color problem it was having in order to be a hostess with the mostess. it was a band aid fix instead of an actual repair because i'm busy, lazy, and unmotivated. one of these days, i'll actually go in and work on the problem.

i'm having Brad Pitt's baby.

okay, i lied. but i did add a FAQ section over to your left if you feel like checking it out. (and no one is actually asking these questions at all, much less frequently, so i guess i lied again.)

damn you Issac Mizrahi!!!

i went shopping last night. since i'm broke, picky, and a late shopper, the obvious choice for my excursion was Target. i found myself damning Isaac and his fabulous merchandise everywhere i looked. why? because everything with his name on it is pink, girly, and everything a gay designer and a straight woman could ever want. now, i know he probably doesn't design the actual merchandise, but by slapping his name on the tag, Target can raise the price by fifty bucks. that's really why i'm damning him. for example, this carry on size piece of luggage with a gigantic pink flower painted on the side costs sixty thousand dollars. the matching pieces were even more expensive. then, i migrated to the clothing department, and i damned him again. i did, however, contribute to his empire by purchasing some new sunglasses.

rant inside a rant

i've noticed a lot of people, especially here at Texas Tech, bashing the giant sunglasses trend. apparently, it offends people when we females wear shades that cover half our faces. why the hell do you people care? first of all, if you don't like what i wear, close your damn eyes. i personally love giant Tippi Hedron sunglasses. not only do they block the garish sun, but they also allow me to prevent future wrinkles by impeding UV rays. in addition, my sunglasses double as a headband in class, and since i have enough hair to choke Godzilla should he choose to eat me, only enormous shades will suffice. so to all you giant sunglass bashing, future wrinkly eyed losers out there: bite me.

i then scouted long and hard for the new Andrea Bocelli CD. just as i was about to send a barrage of profanity towards the Target associate for their lack of good music, i located it. however, the damn thing was 14 dollars! is that the price CDs go for these days? my broke ass will be shopping around and hoping to find it cheaper elsewhere. why do you care about my Target trip? you don't. i was bored in class.

mean christine

me: snausage!

tangerine dream: what do chrissy's arms look like?

me: no. tomorrow's the Pancake Festival, and Dad scored us all tix.

td: die.

me: jealous?

td: yes.

me: good. that'll make my pancakes that much sweeter.

malfunction...do not recognize...help

i'm experiencing something. i said hello to a co-worker. i was whistling while i worked. i passed four people who deserved the bird on the the way to the office, but i only gave one. what is happening to me? i am not used to this weird fullness deep inside where my once hollow chest would normally echo my words of spite. i'm unaccustomed to the way my lips keep curling up at the corners. i'm malfunctioning!!!


***my bad. i asked a passerby what was happening to me, and apparently i'm happy. whew. i can relax, i guess. it seems this state of being is fleeting so i needn't worry.***

too lazy to post so enjoy this clip

Fuckrudders

i'm currently at Fuckrudders because they have WiFi. golddigger and i are supposed to be studying, but it's hard to focus on Milton when you've had a case of beer. so far, we've offended a kid of questionable gender, threatened an employee with an obviously fake "finger under the shirt" gun, and witnessed a transparent employee bus our table. we're about to go bowling where we will drink some more, meet some deaf people, and drink some more.

wax on

i've decided to live in the past. the present just sucks too bad for words, and, dammit, i know a whole hell of a lot of words so that's pretty damn sucky. here goes:

i remember one time when i went to visit a friend in McAllen. like the total dumbass that i am, i didn't get any sleep the night before, and it's literally on the other side of Texas. (and in case you're from another planet and aren't aware, Texas is enormous.) so, i start driving with my eyes closed around the time i hit San Antonio. let me stop here and say that San Antonio rush hour traffic is not ever a pleasant experience, but when you're experiencing it and a siesta at the same time, it completely blows. needless to say, i somehow navigated myself all the way to a town where no one speaks English and it's so humid you might as well be living under water. what the hell am i thinking? the past sucks, too! son of a bitch.

it's about freakin' time!

i'm talking to myself. i added the countdown timer that i've been talking about for the last twelve years. currently, it's set for the NIN show in March. as the days creep closer, i will prob order it to display the hours and seconds as well, but seeing as how the event is over a month away, i figured days would do just fine for now.

text message received yesterday

"I rassled me down a Tonton, and I was gonna crawl inside to keep warm...but I forgot my damn light saber. Brrr...It's gonna be a LONG, COLD DAY."

i quit.

i am no longer participating in activities that distress me, take too much of my energy, are boring, involve the words low calorie or diet, and/or don't involve a non-English speaking hunk named Franco. (these stipulations are subject to change and revision at any time.) so to begin my soon to be long list of banned activities, i will no longer:

1. drive in reverse. yes, it takes too much energy to move my shifter two inches.

2. say hello when i answer my phone. instead, i will just grunt or wait silently for the other person to start speaking.

3. pretend i'm listening when people make small talk in public places. it may be impolite, but i really can't participate in this pointless farce just so people can pretend they have friends when they don't.

4. pay bills. it makes me feel tired and frustrated so it's out.

5. remain sober for class. drunken stupors didn't keep me from not learning in high school so i'm sure they won't keep me from not learning in college.

6. eat dessert after dinner. whoever created the rule that dessert comes after you've already filled your stomach with less worthy provisions was a complete imbecile.

7. censor my language. fuck, fuck, asswipe, fuck.

8. pretend i don't follow Days of our Lives. yes, i'll yell it loud and proud. i know who really fathered Belle's baby!!!

so far, these particular items are the ones i'm working on eliminating from my life. as i mentioned, the list is fluid, and i will add or detract as i deem necessary.

weird things in my apartment

furry flowers

Fred and Fred Raider

Korean ramen

a giant wine bottle

potato salt and pepper shakers

the winds of change

i'm thinking of changing my hair. usually, i do neon red streaks, but this time i'm leaning towards blue or perhaps a multi color color. i'm broke so i have to choose a color i already have in my possession, but if you have suggestions or recommendations, feel free to share them.

sausage fest

we've had a couple of very pleasant days here in Lubbock, and i'm suddenly very aware that my upper arms are looking more and more like two salamis since i've been shirking gym duties. i can't very well wear my tank tops and spaghetti straps in this unsightly condition. of course, in typical West Texas style, the weather is predicted to be freezing by this weekend so i have some time to rectify the situation. the problem, however, is that once you stop going to the gym, it's difficult to restart the routine (especially when your new routine includes a lot of TV watching and fried chicken eating.)

beam me up, Scotty

where the hell is my transporter? why am i not being ripped apart molecule by molecule, flown across time and space, and then reassembled at a determined location? because if i have to share any more road space with ignorant buffoons who don't know the purpose of a blinker, a turning lane, a four way stop, or simple traffic signs, i think i am going to send my weasels to attack school and start using them as a weapon.

the travesty

i purposely quoted my idol, George Costanza, under my blog title because i love my naps. now, i don't always get naps because my school/work schedule was generated by a madman who derives pleasure from human suffering, but i occasionally have some time to sneak in some shut eye before work. on these special days, i know the meaning of true happiness. sadly, however, my work schedule is changing. i literally have to be at work and school at the same exact time now. wtf?!?! if anyone has found a way to clone me, please let me know by March 4th when my new schedule is implemented. my future selves thank you in advance.

my own personal damnation

is it bad that i have yet to crack either one of the three inch think Milton books for my Milton class? in my defense, i've attended all but one of the lectures which i think is pretty darn good since i've been plagued by the plague for the entire semester thus far. i have a mid term looming, and i'm beginning to wonder what possessed me to take this class in the first place seeing as how i am not a Milton fan. looking back, i realize that at the time i registered for this semester's courses, i was stressed, depressed, and otherwise preoccupied with familial obligations. i briefly considered changing my classes at the beginning of this semester, but doing so would cause me to have to trudge across campus every day while i had conveniently scheduled my classes in neighboring buildings to avoid such ridiculousness. damn me and my infernal laziness!!!

top dog

Rufus won Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club. i love Rufus! i always root for him because he's not one of those strutting, prancing, or snooty dogs who has to put on a show. instead, he's just himself and lets you take him or leave him. watching Rufus a couple of years ago made me want a bull terrier, too. here's a pic for those of you who haven't yet had the pleasure of seeing his adorable egg head.

happy VD!

i was going to give you a special treat for this holiday, but i'm too lazy so instead i'll just wish you a day full of dashed dreams and wilty flowers. am i bitter you ask? not any more than usual. Valentine's used to be one of my favorite holidays because i am a zombie consumer who likes the color pink. however, since b.h. is in the restaurant business and therefore always absent on Valentine's, i have pushed it sadly down the list. it now rests somewhere between Secretary's Day and the Ides of March. actually, i do have something to look forward to this evening since my sister, Gold Digger, and i have a fun date tonight. i'd better bust out my McDonald's coupons since i'm treating...

curling

has anyone else taken the time to watch this "sport?" i use quotations here because any activity where over the hill, pasty-faced, bowling alley regulars can win Olympic medals leaves me questioning whether or not i know the meaning of the word sport. anyway, i seem to have caught the riveting game midway through the action. (by the way, action means a group of about six of the aforementioned athletes pointing at some pieces of metal on the ice and heatedly speaking in a foreign language.) after a lot of this action, i can tell things are really going to get going when the crowd starts to make noise. when nothing happens, i realize the crowd consists of the one person who probably got lost on the way to the speed skating arena and has resorted to heavy drinking in order to keep entertained. then, one of the coach potato look alikes chunks a metal thing down a frozen runway while his personal slaves sweep the ice in its projected path. then, some more pointing and discussing takes place. that's about the time i clicked over to the weather channel, and yes, it was more exciting to watch animated suns wearing sunglasses tell me how to plan my week.

down with the sickness

b.h. has the bird flu or something. (would it be really mean for me to ask him to sleep in his car until his germ friends departed?) how am i supposed to get better when my home, my office, and the entire Texas Tech campus is infested with sick people?

Duel of the Fates

if you like the Star Wars: Episode I- The Phantom Menace score, you probably enjoy the Duel of the Fates. and you may have even thought that the chorus was singing an old Celtic poem, but you'd be wrong. here are the real lyrics: click me

reasons i don't feel like blogging

1. i'm a little sad. it's a cross between the sad you'd feel if you just dropped your last bite of a scrumptious brownie in the mud and the sad you'd feel if you forgot to set your DVR to record the new episode of ER with Dr. Carter's return.

2. blogging takes energy i can't spare. i can't spare a square.

3. the mean people i work with are trying to make me work. wtf?!?!

4. i'd rather be watching reruns of Seinfeld. well, to be honest, i am watching reruns of Seinfeld.

5. i think my Lean Cuisine was poisoned. i'm pretty sure i shouldn't be experiencing sharp, stabbing pains in my abdomen or searing, throbbing pains in my esophagus.

pea powder

did you know frog bites contain pea powder? i'm not sure if that means ground peas or something altogether different, but i just thought you'd like to know.

the christine update

i've been sick...again. i'm beginning to think that i don't even have an immune system. this time it's the flu. yesterday, i was so weak that, even though i hadn't eaten all day, i decided not to eat dinner because the kitchen was too far away from my futon. those of you who have graced my humble abode with your presence know that it's a total of about 8 feet, but i was positive that i could not make it round trip in my weakened and feverish state. thankfully, b.h. brought me some dinner in between poker rounds at the bar down the street. he also brought me a large iced tea, but unfortunately, it was too heavy for me to lift so i just stared longingly at it from my prostrate position.

my precious has arrived!!! as soon as i have a little more energy, i will post pics for all to gawk at with envy.

i heard some great news today. those near and dear to my heart know the nature of it. (in my best Ozzy voice) mama, they're coming home!!!

i have a group presentation in my Ancient Drivel class tomorrow. i haven't even started working on it, and it's already 5PM. instead, i'm blogging and listening to That 70s Show. i can wait until the last minute because i'm a genius.

watch me...

if you want to see the gayest video ever. note: the christine conglomerate is not responsible if your eyeballs jump out of their sockets in an attempt to run away.

i can't get you out of my head.

Vegas is dominating my thoughts. i think i'm just really wanting to ditch this crummy little town and go somewhere else. though i usually go to Vegas in May, i'm thinking of waiting until August this year even though it will be a scorching 500 billion degrees. b.h. and i usually travel in herds so i'm sure part of the decision will be based on when other people can also go. if we wait until August, i need to find a place to visit now. i have that feeling deep down inside. it's a mixture of fear and loathing in Lubbock and the jitters from all the caffeine i've consumed today. i know i'll be in Austin in about a month in a half, and i don't think i'm ever happier than when i'm in Austin. but, quite honestly, a month and a half feels like six months and three halves when you're going to school and working all the live long day. i've hung up a picturesque Cancun banner in my Dilbert cubicle, and i'm thinking of adding a hammock and some Mai Tais. something tells me it just won't be the same, though.

and the award goes to...

i'm handing out awards this week. and when i say awards, i mean mentions in my blog. so without further ado, here are the winners.

best statement heard (tie): "christine, you're a flowing fountain of knowledge." and "no pasture is complete without nibbling flocks."

e-mail that most excited me: "you Dell has been shipped."

sad sap award (tie): the dumb, dumb bastard who pissed off Oprah and the dumbass klutz who tripped and shattered 3 priceless Qing dynasty vases in Cambridge

worst news ever: McDonald's raising prices

about time award: snowballs in the work vending machine

best 'pink feather love bird pen' received:

100th post

yes, that's right. this post makes one freakin' hundred. i know a lot of you guys questioned my *stick-to-it-iveness, but i have accomplished this giant leap for me and small step for mankind. everyone should bust out in a jig and release some balloons from captivity.

*i'm not sure why people think that, just because you've mashed some words together, you've created a new one. i've heard this particular 'word' several times over the past week, and it's quickly climbing my already long list of pet peeves. i'd better go now. i have to finish working on my avoid-doing-homework-iness.

my own personal Twilight Zone

my day was going okay ( before i stepped into another dimension, i mean.) now, i've been going to Texas Tech for approximately 50 years so i'm well aware of the regular bus routes. so i'm waiting at one of the bus stops waiting for the only bus that makes that particular stop, and when it arrives, i step on. i don't look to see what bus it actually is, and even if i had tried, i wouldn't have been able to see it because some bus designing genius (probably a Tech grad) covered the side LED display with advertisements. the only way to see the name of the bus route is to stand directly in front of the bus. this location is not the ideal place to be in relation to a two ton, moving block of metal. i immediately notice we take a different turn on campus, but i assume the reason for the detour is the Lady Raider game this evening. apparently it's being broadcast nationally, and Texas Tech officials want to project a semblance of a functional campus parking design so they often block streets, parking lots, and entrances in hopes that viewers near and far will not see the reality of people parked on two wheels and up on curbs. by the time i realize the bus isn't on a mere detour, i am already in a place i don't recognize. (to be fair here, i must give a little background information about myself. i do well in big cities such as Dallas, Austin, San Antonio, etc. but i tend to get lost easily in Lubbock. even though Lubbock is only about four blocks by four blocks square, i am often asking b.h. how to find the local McDonald's or bail bond. i believe this lack of navigational skills in my hometown stems from the fact that i don't get out much. just the other day, in fact, i found myself awed by the fact that several new apartment complexes, strip malls, and restaurants had sprouted in a place i only remembered as having weeds and prairie dogs.) so when i realize that this bus has taken me hostage, i panic momentarily. if it hadn't been for my trusty iPod holding my hand, i would have fallen to the bus floor in a hysteric seizure type fit, and the driver would have had to stop and dispense a dose of thorazine. instead, i logically remember that most bus routes move in a circular path, and i will only have to wait it out. right about then, i am afflicted with the big D. no, not dementia...drowsiness. to make a really long story end, i'm not sure how long i was aboard that bus to nowhere, but i finally made it home with enough time to eat some fried chicken before work. fried foods make every day better.