oranges stink

and for some reason my whole office reeks like one.

for your viewing pleasure

here's the new Spidey trailer. i think it looks pretty good, but then again i've been a fan of dual personalities ever since Spock's goatee tried to smother the Enterprise with its manliness. enjoy!

some of you guys seem like smart people...

so maybe someone can answer my question. why, if you have a membership to a gym where 99 percent of the cardio equipment has its own flat panel TV attached, would you get on the TV-less treadmill next to mine and proceed to lean over my shoulder for 20 minutes? it's annoying and a little creepy.

small talk makes me want to barf.

why do people always feel the need to fill dead silence with meaningless crap? there is nothing wrong with quiet reflection, assholes. i work with people who are the reigning queens of idle talk. instead of complying, i'm resorting to these responses from now on.

"man, it's hot today." better get used to it because hell's a lot worse.

"that's some bright hair." thanks for pointing it out. even though i dyed it a color named Nuclear Red, i thought it was dull and lifeless...much like you're personality.

"how's school going?" (this one is tricky because, on the surface, it seems that the person is actually interested in my life and making legitimate inquiries, but i know better. the person never really listens to my answer, and the proof will be when she doesn't even flinch at my new response.) it's great. i'm sleeping with all my professors because i got sick of going to class.

"how're you?" not bad now that the boil cleared up.

"what are you listening to?" (this one's the worst because i have my headphones in and my iPod on just so i can avoid this damn chit chat. now, i have to remove them and answer the dolt asking the question.) my 'songs that make me want to go on murderous rampages' playlist.

i weep bitter tears.

i received some sad news a couple of weeks ago, and i've been in denial since then. i know it's real now, and i am truly melancholy. let me start with some background. before bitter half and i joined forces to become the supercouple that we are, i would volunteer to work Christmas and Thanksgiving as long as i had New Year's Eve and Day off. (yes, i have the priorities of a drunkard.) my family generally celebrated Chrismas the day before, and Thanksgiving was never a big deal. however, bitter half's family consists of a bunch of fabulous cooks so Thanksgiving is a veritable feast of heavenly proportions. needless to say, it's become my favorite holiday and one that i begin preparing for well in advance by fasting. this year someone got the bright idea to go to Houston for the holiday. wtf?!?! i probably can't get off of work, and i doubt i can afford a plane ticket. if Texas wasn't the vast expanse that it is, i could drive, but then again i can't drive back with a tummy full of tryptophan. woe is me!!! i guess i'll be eating at Furr's with the other family-less losers.

it's official. Hollywood has run out of ideas.

i'm being nice for a change.

you know how Oprah does an annual "My Favorite Things" episode and then proceeds to lavish her studio audience with one of every item? this post works under that premise only you're not getting shit so here goes:

1.
Powdered Sugar Cookie all in one bubble bath, shower gel, and
shampoo- if you're not using this delicious product to cleanse yourself, you're leading a sad and meaningless life, my friend.





2. Glaceau peach fruitwater- since i beat my Coke addiction years ago, i rarely indulge in sweet drinks (unless they're equally proportioned with alcohol, but more on that topic some other day...) i usually stick with water and unsweetened tea because now most beverages are too syrupy for my taste. this one, however, is perfect.


3.
Slow Cheetah off of Stadium Arcadium- it's quite catchy, and i do believe i've had this damn song on repeat for about fifty days straight.








4. weasels

5. ergoboards- once you go erg, you never go back. i can type sixty billion words, and my wrists never hurt. it's the only kind i use.

6.
Kevin Spacey- i'm not too keen on this new Superman movie coming out because i don't like change and ol' Christopher Reeve had to kick the bucket, but i'm going solely to watch Kevin as Lex Luthor. he's hot.

tying up loose ends

1. one of my critters was ill so bitter half and i have been nursing him back to health. he's much better now.

2. a friend of mine asked me to create a MySpace account so i can leave comments on his page. i left my schools etc just to see if anyone would try to contact me, and i'm getting all kinds of responses. some of these people are from my past and others are just people who want to get to know me- even though under the "who would you like to meet" part i clearly wrote not you. people are idiots.

3. MySpace sucks ass.

4. i watched a whole season of America's Next Top Model when i was too sick to change the channel. those women are as dumb as dirt.

5. i finally booked my trip to Vegas. i cannot wait until i am baking under the glaring August sun with a Grey Goose martini glued to my hand.

stomach flu vs. me

i wanted to throw in the towel yesterday afternoon, but my will to live is stonger than i expected. hopefully, i will be back to my usual blogging self by tomorrow.

the world might come to an end...

because yesterday i actually made healthy brownies. yes, that's right. i went against my first instinct of butter, oil, and lard and created something with applesauce, whole wheat, and zucchini. (yes, you read that right. zu-fucking-cchini.) i was making something for my two dads so i didn't want to encourage their clogged arteries, and i have to say that they turned out really good. here's a pic of the pureed zucchini in pre-brownie status:

and here is a pic of the finished product:

man, i'm know i'm good when i can make something delicious out of weeds and such.

i thought i was getting old...

but i was probably just tired. last night, after several days of little to no sleep, it took me about an hour to finish one beer. then i left the bar before i could finish watching the game so i missed when the Mavs decided to play like girls.

people who got on my nerves today:

1. the mother at the gym who, rather than let her 4 year old play in the kiddie area, insisted on letting him run rampant in the gym while she yelled at him from the top of her lungs every five seconds. when i was on my way to the dressing room and saw him hoist himself up onto the drinking fountain, proceed to wrap his entire mouth over the spigot, and begin sucking, i remembered to renew my birth control prescription.

2. the other lady at the gym who left her checkbook, keys, wallet, etc. on a bench while she went into the bathroom to do her business. there are lockers for a reason. i would have helped myself to a shopping spree if i wasn't a more ethical person.

3. all the shoppers who feel the need to park their asses mid-aisle and converse rather than scoot to the side. it doesn't help that most of their parked asses are about the size of my Honda.

4. in all fairness, this one didn't exactly get on my nerves, but he will probably turn into someone who does. the teenager who sacked my groceries and carried them to my car felt the need to tell me how much he hated the store where he worked, avoided it at all costs when he wasn't working, and claimed it was a shitty job. wondering how long this resentment and bitterness of his had built up, i asked him about the length of his employment. his answer? a week. i cut him some slack because he's a kid, but i hope he outgrows this poor work ethic.

the latest rapper buffoon award goes to...

Jay-Z . he has nothing better to do with his time and money than begin a boycott of his former staple champagne, Cristal. first of all, nobody gives a shit about your damn alcoholic beverages, asshole. second, it seems your panties are in a wad because your illiterate self has no grasp of the English language. if you are too lazy to read the article, this rapper buffoon is offended that some head honcho at Cristal's manufacturing company said he viewed rappers appreciation of his champagne with "affection and serenity." he goes on to say that he can't forbid people from buying it and that any other high dollar bubbly maker would be "delighted to have their business." somehow, Jay-Z heard, "we hate blacks!!!" he's calling the company racist and pulling their product from his lounges. get over yourself, dumbass.

my dumbass goals for the next 50 days:

1. go to the gym nonstop and diet excessively in order to pass for an anorexic waif by my Vegas trip. why? because when i was in Dallas last month i saw a pair of Guess jeans that i must buy, but in my mind's eye, they will only look good on a skeleton. i have not divulged my plans to the bitter half because he hates the starved look and prefers a curvy woman, but when have i ever cared what bitter half likes anyway?

2. try to control my ridiculous spending so i can just take empty suitcases to Vegas and bring them back full of brand spankin' new stuff. this goal may be harder to achieve because i have tuition due, the trip to pay for, and no sense of self control.

3. try not to kill myself when my classes start back up in July.

4. get a storage unit for all my shit because my apartment is about 5'x 5', and i refuse to move until i graduate and buy an unnecessarily humongous house.

5. hit my 10,000th blog visitor milestone. i don't really give a rat's ass about this goal, but i wanted an even five.

Chandler died...again.

i've gone through three Chandlers, and none of them have survived. Chandler III was really tiny, and i was afraid Monica was going to eat him. Instead, he kicked the bucket before she could resort to cannibalism. i was going to take a pic of his sad, tiny corpse for the blogging world to see, but my camera was at home and my frogs live (or don't live, as the case may be) at work. i'm done with trying to get Monica a friend. she's doomed to live out the rest of her froggy days alone.

i almost drowned in the shower.

i was taking a shower earlier when the tub started filling up. i'm not in the mood to have to swim for safety. i guess the ridiculous amount of hair i have atop my head is finally beginning to shed its winter coat. my solution? i'm going to ignore the problem until bitter half fixes it.

i'm having sharp stabbing pains in my chest area.

this can't be good. i think i'll forego the gym and go home so i can clutch my chest and writhe in agony without concerning a bunch of onlookers.

i'm divulging secrets about myself.

1. i've been attacked by pepper spray- the story isn't full of intrigue or suspense so i'll skip it, but let me say just say that this instance is the only time in my life when i felt like i was dying. (i've probably been closer to dying many other times, but i was too incoherent to realize it.)

2. as a teenager, my skin was clear and required no maintenance- (i literally used bar soap once a day as my facial regimen.) now that i'm old and borderline senile, i wake up with crops of zits on my face. wtf?!?! it's like i'm a fucking high schooler or something.

3. i like to make up outlandish stories when talking to strangers- if you read my blog regularly, you know i hate idle chit chat with assholes i don't know. in order to amuse myself, i sometimes tell these people weird things which include but are not limited to: giving them false (and sometimes ridiculous) names, speaking in obviously fake foreign accents, pretending i don't understand English (when i just finished speaking it on the phone), etc. the examples are endless.

4. the only food i really dislike is squash- i'm not sure why the squash is the target of my hatred, but it is. and i'm not a picky eater. i've eaten snails and oysters and store-bought fruit cake. i like to live on the edge.

5. i'm a little terrified of cows- as a kid, Tangerine Dream and i tried to pet one that was innocently standing by the door to our dad's work. they try to trick you with their big, cow eyes and long luscious lashes, but underneath that dopey exterior lies a savage beast. when it started chasing us, T.D. and i started running and screaming like little girls. (to be fair, i was a little girl, but i can't say the same for the older brother...) the fact that T.D. didn't even look back to see if i was okay only added to the trauma.

are you old?

apparently kids are using ring tones that adults cannot hear. if you'd like to know if you're a geezer, check out this article and take a listen. if you can't hear it, go ahead and buy a walker and some Depends. you're mere days away from needing them.

this one time...

a telemarketer called my house, and i don't remember with whom he was employed. it seems, however, that his company's policy did not allow him to hang up on me. i must either purchase something or hang up on him. i realized this when i stated i wasn't interested, and he went into another sales pitch. again, i politely declined so he started sales pitch three. i don't accept that offer so he starts with pitch number one again. now, i realize the rules to his employment. being bored and a bitch, i keep this up for quite some time, and i can hear his exasperation. surely, he will thank me for my time and hang up, but he doesn't. i'm not sure how long we stayed in this vicious cycle, but after it wasn't fun any more, i hung up. are there really companies that inflict such instructions on their employees?

the war in my head.

i have a decision to make regarding my lunch hour. should i go to the gym since i've ditched all week and am beginning to feel like a worthless pile of flab, or should i go home and nap since my insomniac ass only got 53 seconds of sleep last night? on one shoulder i have a big, buff angel whispering, "don't start slacking or you'll end up looking like Fat Bastard in drag." on the other one, a drowsy devil is telling me, "you need all the energy you can muster in order to celebrate your sister's birthday right." i guess i could always take what i like to call an executive lunch and leave the office for about four hours to do both. unfortunately, my anorexic bank account is on it's last (very skinny) leg so that last option is probably not in my best interest. i need more coffee before i make such grave decisions.

reasons i'm grouchy:

1. i received a letter from my college stating that two of my completed courses are currently not applying towards my major. now i have to go up to Tech and challenge the dean to a feat of strength. because my stationary ass is not in the mood to exert physical strength, i will be resorting to a drinking game. hope her liver's prepared.

2. i ditched the gym to work on my new blog design. since it looks like it ate a box of crayons and threw up, i have retired the endeavor for the night.

3. i returned to work today. need i expand on this one?

4. i was summoned to jury duty...yesterday. i called and had to leave a message stating that i was a blight on the justice system of America and an embarrassment to my forefathers. then i begged for a reschedule. (i left out the part that says i will be in class when the reschedule comes and therefore exempt. pray for my degenerate soul.)

5. i have three birthdays and father's day to prepare for in the next week. this means i will be grabbing some sheets of notebook paper and folding them in half to resemble real cards. then on the inside i will have to explain that i spent all my earnings on iTunes and, instead, they will be getting the gift of my shining personality. i'll carry pepper spray just in case.

i miss the poop colored M&Ms.

or, as more sophisticated folks call them, the tan ones. why does everything have to be so freaking vibrant all the time? can't we have some dreary, dull candies anymore? screw the blue ones. hell, screw the red ones, too. while i'm on the subject of missing candy, what happened to Skull Crushers? what's better for cheering myself up than crushing skulls? this world is going to hell when depressed people can't eat depressing candy.

what the hell is wrong with me?

after coming home from my decadent trip to Dallas, i have refused to look at my Discover card statement (mainly out of fear.) and yet, here i am buying more music online. wtf?!?! somebody stop me!

dear blog,

how i've neglected you. you must weep with sadness every day that i ignore your depressing black background and obnoxious yellow font. your daily imported quotes and unnoticed blog roll are surely withering to nothing. please forgive me, but as i was out of town and staying in a cave, there was no way to visit you. my thoughts were with you always, and all my powers were spent trying to get in contact with you. my efforts were futile. do not fret, however. i am home now where the internet flows freely and weak unsecured networks do not taunt me with glimpses of hope. we are together again.

your demented creator,
christine