life is strange (and kind of gross!)

so this morning before school i'm reading Midnight's Children by Salman Rushdie. i'm assuming most people have not read this book (even though it has won awards of all kinds and is often touted as one of the most important books in the English language) so i will fill you in on the part of it i was reading. it's a chapter called Alpha and Omega, and in it, the main character gets part of his finger chopped off in a door.

after i read this chapter, i pack up and go to school where i park, catch a bus, and then plant myself on a bench to read some more since i had arrived early. that's when i check my phone. (normally, i keep the ringer on until i get to class, but today of all days i turned it off early.) to my surprise, there are several missed calls and a text. needless to say, there had been an accident. and get this! Bitter Half had chopped off part of his finger in a door! while i was reading about it, it happened. strange.

so i leave class and head that way to find B.H. comfortably numb and his finger tip sitting in a cup. (i will try to post a pic for those of you who like that type of gross stuff. it's on B.H.'s phone, and he's asleep doped up right now.)

the docs could not reattach the tip so they did the best they could. when asked if we wanted to keep the tip, we declined. (B.H. seemed rather sad about losing a piece of himself, and i guess he didn't want the painful reminder of his ordeal. i thought it was kind of creepy and yet kept staring at it anyway. and B.H. seemed hurt when i called it creepy, and so i didn't need it sitting around my house where i would probably continue to call it such. in my defense, i wasn't saying his finger tip was creepy, but when you see something out of context, e.g. a finger tip not on a finger, it is rather creepy...)

since i had texted my bro about the incident, he had spread the word to my sis, and then my parents knew, etc. so Tangerine Dream and Gold Digger went to keep me company while B.H. was in surgery, and of course we were getting in trouble throughout the hospital. my sis even went to ask if the ER still had the finger because some macabre part of her wanted to see it after i vividly described it.

i'm a little sad about it, too. B.H.'s hands are one of the features i've always loved about him, and i have often claimed that i could pick them out of a line up blindfolded. (well of course i can now that he has stumpy, but i digress...) a day doesn't go by that i don't kiss his fingertips, but i am grateful that i still have nine intact ones to continue kissing. i'm also grateful that he's okay for the most part.

it's been a long day full of all kinds of drama, and i think i'm going to go to bed early and just do my homework in the morning. i hope everyone else's days were more average than mine.

my weasel is running for president.

why not? everyone else is. i'm not sure if he qualifies age-wise because i don't really know how weasel years work, but i'm thinking he's around middle age so that should be old enough. also, he's very smart, wily when he needs to be, and easy on the eyes. plus, the biggest scandal he's ever been in was when he snuck out of the apartment and into the neighbor's without being noticed. Simon for president!

random news

-when i first noticed the heading on this article about skin tone affecting income, i thought it meant that people with acne got paid less than those of us blessed with nice clear skin. then i read it, and it was just about racism.

-Mozart is having his penis removed, (the iguana not the composer). i felt bad for the little thing (the iguana not the penis) until i learned they have an extra one for just such instances.

childishly mistreating co-workers

-i announced rather loudly that a female co-worker was really a man.

-i sent an email to another one calling her a "caca face." (for those of you who don't know, caca is Spanish for poop.)

-i accused one of being elderly and senile.

-i arbitrarily fired one even though i don't have the power to do so.

*apparently being mean to co-workers goes both ways. i just got called a bastard.

the brilliance that is Tech

if you remember, Tech closed off some parking lots due to falling ice from a radio tower. for about a week, no one knew why until a small story was printed in the university paper. unfortunately no one reads the paper because it sucks so unless, like me, you do the crossword puzzle, you still didn't know. finally, yesterday afternoon, as i headed back to my car which was precariously parked atop a mountain of mud, i saw that the parking lots had finally been reopened. later that day, an email went out stating that the parking lots would be closed due to falling ice and until further notice. wtf?!?! the email is supposed to go out earlier than after the fact, assholes.

serenity now!

well, i've updated my reading list to reflect my new school semester. all but one of those books is for school, by the way. that's sixteen books that i must read in approximately five months. (it's barely two weeks into school, and i've already read three books which is just ridiculous.) of course, i will still be reading and writing tons of short stories, writing thesis papers, taking exams, working on projects, and writing an entire freaking novel. i can't believe i'm taking the time to post this post! i do think i am this close to spontaneously combusting.

religion

i don't mention religion in my blog because, quite frankly, i'm not a religious person. i will attend deaf church services on occasion to help with my sign language skills, but other than that, i spend my Sunday mornings staring at the insides of my eyelids. however,i'm thinking of converting to Catholicism. why, you ask? well, strictly for the rituals. i like rituals. i'm a creature of habit, and those traditions span eons. also, they're beautiful. and so are most Catholic churches. plus i like The Godfather and Latin. do they ask you why you're converting because, looking at my list, i don't think these are acceptable reasons...

i think i might have a problem.

i was using my sugar cookie hand towelettes. then i used my marshmallow hand lotion. that's when i noticed a trend and realized that i have an inordinate number of yummy products. i am currently using pumpkin pie body wash since my hot cocoa one ran out. (and when i say currently i don't mean right this second while i'm at work. that would just be weird. i mean on a regular basis at home.) i also have a matching pumpkin pie body wash, chocolate lip gloss and glitter body spray, vanilla lip gloss and the list goes on. it's like a disease or something! i guess it's better that i'm just applying these things to my body rather than stuffing my face with all that crap. actually, thinking about them made me want hot chocolate so i gotsta go.

assignments

i think that to write for a living one must have a little bit of craziness in their blood. it's part of the whole package. that being said, let me tell you about my newest assignment. my creative writing prof decided to give us a genre for our second story. in one column, we listed stuff such as romance, action/adventure, sci fi, etc. then in another column, we listed more specific topics that we, as a class, felt were interesting. some examples of these are transvestite, amputee, accountant, zombie, etc. then we had to draw one from each column in order to create our specific genre. needless to say, there were some interesting ones. one guy got sci fi accountant. a girl got action/adventure painter. i got romance prostitute. our first story is supposed to be about ninjas, and i haven't started it yet. now i have to worry about writing a hooker story. well, at least our homework isn't boring.

brrr

little chunks of ice were pelting me as i walked around campus today. not snow. ice. it kinda hurt. and now Tangerine Dream wants to take some tubes to the park and slide around. i don't think i'm cut out for that type of shenanigan. i'm meant for the tropics and margaritas on the beach and shit.

finally some answers

yesterday i mentioned how i had trouble finding a parking spot at school, and today i found out why. apparently, since our parking lot is under a radio antenna, huge chunks of ice have been raining down and smashing cars, decapitating students,wreaking havoc, etc. winter sucks.

things that have pissed me off today

-i have negative 10 minutes to get from school to work on a daily basis which, i shouldn't have to tell you, is a difficult task to accomplish. today, i needed to stop at Wal-green's for some essentials. (e.g. toilet paper, tampons, etc.) i run in like a madwoman, grab stuff off the shelves like i'm on a shopping spree, sprint to the checkout lane, and get behind the oldest woman on Earth. she's buying about 9 packs of smokes and cannot seem to articulate what she wants to the lady behind the counter. of course, being the oldest woman on Earth, she can't hear so the employee and the customer are shouting back and forth for about an hour. finally, i get to the front of the line to pay. i feel like the stars are not lined up in my favor.

-i'm rushing to work after the Wal-green's thing, and i get a red light. the lanes are a little ambiguous so i kind of swerve around a little, but i'm not crowding anyone. i look over and some douchebag in a van has a staring problem. i'm pretty crabby by now so i clearly mouth the 'what the fuck are you looking at?' staple. while i'm saying these words, i'm reaching into my Wal-green's bag and pulling out my jumbo box of tampons so i can transfer a couple to my purse. these two actions must have scared the man because he quickly looked away, but when i glanced back up, he was back at his staring games. i really hate other people.

-my work computer is possessed by Satan.

-i have to go home and do a shitload of homework. do these instructors not realize that American Idol has started, and i must watch it? unfortunately, this semester is so arduous that i am giving up all my TV shows except for Days of our Lives and Heroes. my poor TV is probably going to feel abandoned and jump off the balcony.

more reasons i hate Tech

-yesterday when it was below freezing outside, the English building was also freezing. i'm paying fifty billion dollars in tuition, and no one can turn on a heater? my third class is up on the third floor and away from most entrances so it was a little worm, and the feeling started to return to my face. then the air conditioner kicked on. wtf?!?!

-for some ungodly reason, Tech administrators picked the coldest days of the past few years to shut off most of the parking lots and leave approximately five spaces for 30,000 students to fight over. i had arrived early to catch up on some reading but ended up spending 35 minutes driving around stalking students in hopes of stealing their spots as they left. no luck. then i remembered that i have 4 wheel drive and can park anywhere the hell i want to. so i monster trucked it over some little compacts and some rocks and such and parked on the grass. then i had to suffer through arctic winds to catch a damn bus.

this is going to be one long semester. i can tell.

the trip

well this past weekend was my trip to Dallas, and it had some pretty good parts and some pretty crummy ones. first of all, the weather was shit. subzero weather, fog, rain, and ice were in the forecast for the entire trip which meant B.H. couldn't play disc golf which in turns meant i was stuck spending time with him. just kidding. (he complains that i only write mean things about him on my blog so now i have to put a little "just kidding" disclaimer on my statements about him, but i'm not really kidding...)

on the way we saw a cool wreck. a whole bunch of semis were all smashed up. one had a humongous hole on the side of the trailer part, and a FedEx truck was laying on its side with packages strewn all around it. cool!

i wanted to hear Gnarls Barkley open for the Chili Peppers, and i did. but i wish i hadn't. my time would have been better spent in the bar, i think. the sound system in my Honda is better than the crap they had on stage, and i was very disappointed. the Chili Peppers, however, more than made up for that travesty with an awesome show. their stage set up had these huge overhead projections that jutted out about one third of the way over the arena floor and behind them as they played. of course, their playing was awesome as usual. as a bassist, i always admire Flea's amazing talent, and as someone who cannot play the guitar worth a poot, i admire John Frusciante, too. overall the show was fabulous. it more than made up for the weather.

afterward, we headed to the Lizard Lounge for naughty schoolgirl night. i was decked out in argyle tights, navy shorts, an oxford, and pigtails so i was ready. since i haven't been drinking a lot lately, i was moderating myself and watching my fluid intake. i didn't want to be the drunk a-hole who ended the night early by passing out on the dance floor. B.H., however, was drinking rum like it was necessary for survival, and suddenly he was telling me it was time to go because he was drunk. i flagged down Tangerine Dream, and we stared at B.H. in a dumbfounded way because we're always the ones who are drunk and causing disturbances. B.H. is normally the one who has to put up with our dumbasses. we had never seen B.H. this drunk before, and we didn't quite know what to do. finally we decided to head back to the hotel which is a good thing because that's about the time when B.H. started heaving. we called him Ralph for the rest of the trip. poor, Ralph.

the second we packed up our stuff to head home on Monday, the sun came out. nice. then, on the way home, we saw a whole bunch of semis turned over on their sides with their wheels sticking out in a sad display. the ice on the highway was more than they could handle, i guess.

i'm so tired and way behind on my homework, but it was good times. i'm ready to go back.

first sucky day of school

today, as you can tell from my post title, i started the Spring semester. since i forgot my iPod at work, it was a particularly horrendous, music-less experience. i only had two classes, and they both promise to be overwhelming in both assignments and boredom. i don't even want to think about the crap classes that i start tomorrow. you know, people keep telling me, 'this is your last semester!', but that kind of optimism doesn't help me. in fact, it just makes me more bitter. it makes me want to kick 'em in the groin and tell them something ugly about their mother. i'm so glad i'm going to Dallas this weekend to see the Chili Peppers because i need to get out of this p.o.s. town for a few days.

stupid project

my goal over my vacation had been to work out, watch movies, and start putting stuff into storage, but i was really too sick to do anything except mope and moan. (although i did get to watch some movies such as King Kong which just made me sad for the poor misunderstood ape. Skinimax, who is not one to miss a good segue, promptly showed Kinky Kong right after...) so i just started to box stuff up, and i start school tomorrow. only a dumbass such as myself would start a project on the eve of a killer semester. anyhow, B.H. and i have outgrown our small apartment, and i want to be ready to leave this God forsaken town the second i graduate. i'm pretty much throwing anything smaller than a sofa into a box and putting it in storage, excluding my weasels. i hope i don't regret this undertaking later.

random news

-apparently downtown Austin was shut down when a bunch of dead birds were found in the streets. hazmat teams were sent in to investigate, but nothing suspicious was found in the air. some birds are being sent off to be tested. i can tell you the problem. there is an invisible spaceship hovering over the area and the birds are slamming into it, a la Signs. at first, i thought my theory was oulandish, but when i told B.H. about the bird problem, he suggested the same thing. we are geniuses so i'm pretty sure we're right.

-Angelina Jolie is being depicted as the Virgin Mary in a new painting by Kate Kretz. even more strange, she's hovering over Wal-mart on little fluffy clouds. quite honestly, i find the shoppers more disturbing than anything else.

this weather is for the birds!

not literally because they have the sense to move elsewhere when it gets cold. i'm dreaming of sandy beaches and scorching heat already.

for some reason, i've decided to inflict pain on my body on a regular basis and have changed my work schedule to allow for regular X-biking classes at the gym. i'm pretty sure there's something wrong with me.

i thought i would blog freely today, but it looks like i might actually have to work since we are short on people. sometimes i wonder if i really need all the nice things i own and could just do with a more Bohemian lifestyle where i wear Patchouli and don't work. then i remember that those people stink and don't have sweet iPods, and i trudge along back to the ol' job.

i went jogging the other day (before the weather turned against humanity), and i was daydreaming of running alongside my dog. then, to add to the daydream, i was imagining an Austin park complete with actual trees instead of just twigs like in Lubbsuck. a sizely woman with a lack of manners snapped me back into reality. i would have flipped her off and told her to try running, too, but that would have required more energy than i had so i just made a face at her and went on my merry way. i really hate people.

i can't blog and work at the same time. i am going to fire myself and go home and go to bed...

back to work

i came back to work today. that means i will be blogging more regularly because it's a good way to avoid doing anything productive. also, i'm feeling much better so i'm not as bitter as i was last week.

bunch of nothing

-last night, as i was struggling to go to sleep, i happily realized that i have long and luxurious eyebrows. now that i'm fully awake, this epiphany brings to mind several good questions. one, why am i petting my own eyebrows? and, two, why would i consider long and luxurious eyebrows a good trait?

-i just went outside to walk to the laundromat. i got several weird stares. probably because that, even though it is about 35 degrees outside, i am wearing shorts that look more like bikini bottoms. for some reason my legs don't get cold.

-earlier i heard a car making odd noises. it sounded just like the sound on the Enterprise when someone approaches a door to someone's quarters. peeto-peeto. i almost said, "come!" in my most Picard-like voice.

-my TV is on it's last leg!!! this problem is truly a life and death crisis for me. if anyone hears of a store that has some good after Christmas specials on TVs, please let me know ASAP. i am this close to robbing a neighbor.

-i was going to write a post reflecting on last year's resolutions and post some new ones, but i've been too sick and grouchy to be retrospective and idealistic. maybe i'll get around to it next week.

-i'm about a third of the way through The Satanic Verses, and i start classes next week. it's not that i'm a slow reader. on the contrary, i'm unbelievably fast, but i've been sulking. i also read a book that Bitter Half gave me for Christmas instead.

-i cannot decide on what to do to celebrate my looming graduation. at first, i thought of a big party in Vegas. then i thought, "screw all my friends" and planned on a cruise for me and Bitter Half. but where? the less expensive trip means the Caribbean, but i want to see Vatican City and Italy and Spain. i think i'll just call my travel agent and have him figure this all out. it's too stressful for me at this point.

-Bitter Half is watching his all time fave movie on his laptop since our TV is dying. (his laptop is enormous so it's kind of like watching it at the theater.) his favorite movie, you ask? The Princess Bride. if that doesn't tell you a lot about him, then nothing will.