Bitter Half sucks.

he's acting like it's the end of the world because we didn't go to Austin this weekend as planned. apparently i've ruined his life by being sick. what an a-hole. i'll remember his behavior when he's dying of lung cancer and chained to an oxygen tank and both are lives are really ruined. i know his countup timer says he quit smoking, but that' because i hadn't bothered to take it off. well it's still there, but i changed the heading. go check it out for yourself.

me being weird again

i was having abdominal pains, headaches, a sore throat, and grouchiness so i went to bed quite late last night. after i'd retired, i noticed a flash of light. using my quick deductive skills, i whittled the list of possibilities to these two: a) someone had scaled my apartment building and was perched outside my window taking pictures with a flash or b) whatever illness had me in its venomous grip had caused my retinas to play tricks on me. so i contemplated getting up to check outside and rule out possibility "a" after which i planned on entering my newest symptom into WebMD to see if i did, in fact, have some horrible disease. then i heard the thunder. i'm such a dumbass.

that's what i get...

for bitching and moaning about having a cold. one of my little nieces or nephews gave me a stomach flu. i know it was probably the one with the cutest, most innocent face. it always is. anyway, that's how my vacation is going. of course, now that i've bitched and moaned about the stomach flu, i'll probably get Ebola or something.

being sick sucks

yesterday, my throat felt like lava was being poured down it every time i spoke, and unfortunately my job consists of me talking all day. fortunately, however, i only talk to co-workers and not customers so i can tell them to "fuck off and die and leave me the hell alone." and apparently my raspy voice scared so many employees that they sent me home early. today and tomorrow i have to do the family thing so i'm taking Zicam, Airborne, and Tylenol Cold in order to try to avoid being grouchy. it's working a little.

random shit

you know when sometimes you hear a song, and it just transports you to another time and place in your life? i just heard one on the way home from shopping, and it amazes me how long ago that memory seems now. i was a whole different person back then. i've died and been reborn. what an odd thing to look back and see yourself and not even recognize what you see. oh. by the way, i'm all drugged up on cold medication so that could be part of the problem...

speaking of shopping, i had a pretty good experience this year. i didn't have to yell at any sales people , and aside from a total moron at CompUSA yesterday, almost everyone has been very helpful. here's a little clip of what i had been expecting:

wait...i lied. i guess youtube yanked the SNL clip i was going to show you so here's another one that's disturbing on so many levels i cannot begin to warn you. it's been circulating around for the past week so you've probably seen it, but if you haven't, then have fun!

the good, the bad, and the ugly...

concerning my new cubicle:

the good: my old cubicle was near a hallway and the VIPs didn't like me turning off the hall lights, but my new cubicle is way in the back so it's like a cave. apart from the glow of my computer and my TV, it's freakin' dark!

the bad: this new space is a little smaller. i didn't really need all that extra room so i don't mind too much, but i lost my window. i don't care for the outdoors so i don't mind so much on that either, but Robert Plant the plant might.

the ugly: i sit next to someone who has a voice like an air horn. i used to sit a ways down from her, and even then i couldn't hear myself think sometimes. now i sit next to her, but since i'm not one to be shy, i will be telling her to quiet down until she either gets sick of me and moves or learns to simmer down.

i hate change.

a while back, i posted about how i was having to move out of my luxurious Dilbert cubicle to a new one down the hall. here's a reminder of what my old one used to look like:



and here's a picture of my new one:



okay so maybe it's not that bad. i'll try to take a picture of it soon so you guys can pity me.

Pachelbel Rant

as a musician of several instruments, i can appreciate the good and bad of Pachelbel's Canon in D. this guy, however, cannot. he's a tormented soul.

X-biking

i got it in my head that i needed to get back to taking spin classes at the gym. unfortunately, my crazy schedule doesn't allow me the luxury of taking just any class so i see that there is one called X-biking available. i invite Tangerine Dream to join me, and he agrees. somehow i misinterpret the class description and am anticipating a leisurely bike ride through open meadows and dewy glens where bunnies hop freely to and fro. instead i am transported to hell. within five minutes we are sweating literal rivers. i can't control the bike and remember the instructor saying that if i should run into that problem, it's because i don't have enough resistance so i raise it until i feel like i'm swimming in concrete. sometime during this nightmare, T.D. glances over and says, 'leisurely?' in a miserable tone. when i finally get my groove on, my legs are spaghetti. i decide to stick to it and try some combos that the instructor is urging us to do. after two, i think i'm going to vomit. if i thought i could have made it to the restroom, i'd have made a run for it, but my legs no longer follow orders and merely flail about helplessly in a pathetic display. so i sit down and just try keep some semblance of normalcy. i think i might have blacked out, too. i remember one song starting and ending, but i don't remember anything in between. later T.D. relates an equally disturbing experience in class so i know i'm not the only person who almost collapsed in a pile by his/her bike. anyway, we're going back again on Thursday to do it all over again.

random news

-i didn't fail any tests this semester, but if i had, i'd pray to God it wouldn't be the gender test.

-a mass dog wedding being organized to promote "canine culture" was cancelled because an animal activist group believes that marriage is cruel and akin to torture. i think most of us would concur.

-my mother's birthday is tomorrow, and i figured i'd go online to find some fashion tips for a good 'mother's birthday outfit.' Britney Spears never lets me down!

-Time Magazine named its "Person of the Year." it's you. that's right. you. look at yourself right now and picture that image on the cover of a high profile magazine. it's a disgusting thought, isn't it? either mankind is truly on the verge of negating the existence of the universe with its complete uselessness, or Time just pulled the biggest cop out since Clinton's "i didn't inhale" fiasco.

scaring people at work

i just ran out of the office to tell the guy that washes the company vehicles to spray off my car. he looked at me with my bright red hair, then to the package of donuts i was waiving around like a lunatic to get his attention, and then to my car which was so filthy it looked like that mountain of mud thing that Richard Dreyfuss makes in Close Encounters. i think he was afraid because he stopped washing the car he was doing and started on mine. who knew that insanity could be so effective?

free at last.

i'm finally done with this semester, and now i just have to sit back and watch the As roll in. i'm positive that, as time passes, each term gets longer and longer. i think that one lasted ten years. it's like hell, really.

i am going to see The Nutcracker tonight. i'm so excited. it's an event i love every year. unfortunately, i missed the yearly performance of Handel's Messiah so i will be blaring that at work next week. Hallelujah!!!

i will post again soon. right now i'm too damn tired to type, but i've got a gallon of coffee and am perpetually slurping it through a straw so i should be good to go by this afternoon.

is it bad...

that i'm thinking of ditching the gym to go home, stuff my face with Taco Villa burritos, and watch The Biggest Loser finale?

i probably have some hideous, disfiguring disease.

ever since my post about the dent on my leg, i've had a lot of hits from people looking up such things as "leg indentations" and "dents on shins." i hope it's not a precursor to some hideous, disfiguring disease because i really don't need that kind of stress right now.

grrr.

whoever thinks it's a good idea to schedule exams at 7:30 AM is sadly mistaken.

i hate dumb people.

here's a pretty lengthy video of some Verizon douchebags who can't do math. no one at the company seems to know there is a difference between .002 dollars and .002 cents. at the very end, the woman actually says that the difference is "a matter of opinion." people like that make me wish we did prenatal screening for intelligence.

good waste of time

instead of working on my portfolio Friday, i thought i'd waste some time dyeing my hairs again. i opted for a soft black with a swathe of a subdued red (as opposed to the usual neon red i normally do.) i just mixed a bunch of left over hair colors which turned it an almost blood red. and i like the black, too. i don't think i've ever had my hair this dark before. anyway, here are pics.

ding a ding dang my dang a long dongle

i'm free! of what, you ask. well, not school or work or Bitter Half or my family. what the hell am i so happy about? oh, yeah. i'm free of wires. i got a wireless headset for my new iPod yesterday, and it is fabulous. i laughed and pointed at some sad sap who spent his entire bus ride untangling his earbuds. wires are so eighties!

i learned that the little gizmo you plug into the mp3 player for the headphones to work is called a dongle. the English language has officially run out of good words. we're scraping the bottom of the barrel, folks.

this week, Tangerine Dream and i have made buffoons of ourselves all over town. for no reason whatsoever, T.D. started randomly talking about his underwear into the Arby's drive thru speaker. the person on the other end was so flabbergasted, he couldn't take our order. then we told the CompUSA guy yesterday that my iPod was too big and black for my liking. (but i ended up getting another black one because, as they say, once you go black...) later i called him a bastard ,and T.D. told him that he'd stuffed his coat full of merchandise. despite our antics, we were well recieved because that guy waived my restock fees.

i should be at the gym, but instead i'm pretending to be working on my portfolios. i think i'd rather put my eye out with a red hot poker than do more schoolwork. hootchie mama!!!

my friend went to heaven, and all i got was this lousy t-shirt.

here's a website run by atheists that promises to deliver messages to people that have been left behind after the rapture. you simply write down "told you so!" or some equally important message, and it will be hand delivered to your loved ones once you're gone. the highlight of this particular service is that, since everyone working there is an atheist, they will surely be here post-rapture to ensure that your letters are safely delivered. genius! (be sure to check out the "God Hates FAQ" and merchandise sections, too.)

The Post-Rapture Post: The Postal Service of the Saved

merry Christmas to me!!!

Bitter Half gave me my X-mas present early because he can't help but spill the beans on everything as soon as possible. anyway, he got me a black 80 gig iPod when i clearly asked for a white 30 gigger. wtf?!?! so he gave me the receipt and told me to go get what i wanted. i really don't think i need 80 gigs so i'm going to use the extra dough to get some wireless headphones. B.H. got himself some, and they are so fucking nice!

since Tangerine Dream and i were going to the nephew's skating party last Sunday, we took it upon ourselves to buy some new roller blades. (we'll use any excuse to shop.) i'd post pics, but i'm at work pretending to listen to this yahoo on the phone. i'll post some later.

conversation of the day

i was watching Seinfeld and looking at my legs when i noticed an indentation on my right shin. i looked on my left to see if there was one there, too, and to my dismay, there wasn't. Bitter Half was in the kitchen.

me: there's a dent on my leg!

B.H.: what?

me: a dent on my leg!

B.H.: let me see. he then proceeds to take a look. that's a muscle.

me: but there's not one on the other leg.

B.H.: well you're working out wrong then.

he then goes back to the kitchen.

me: you're rather nonchalant about me having a dent!

B.H.: it's just a muscle!

me: well do you have a dent?

B.H.: babe, i'm so ripped, i've got dents all over.

that's when i started muttering profanities under my breath.

aaaaah...

today is the last day of class for this semester (not counting finals.) on one level i'm very excited about it, but on another, i'm stressed. i have two portfolios due this weekend and three major finals for which to prepare. i can't wait until i have nothing to do but sit around in my pjs and watch TV. (i probably won't even have time for that leisure either because i'm trying to read ahead for next semester. i'm well into The Satanic Verses already, and i hope to finish it and at least start Midnight's Children.) "eye on the prize!" i keep telling myself.

Dear Ass,

i'm sorry you're bruised, black, and mighty sore. it's really not my fault. i did my best to stay upright at the "Roller Rink Massacre," but Bitter Half didn't and he took me down with him, that bastard. good thing you had your winter coat on, or i might have broken my pelvis or worse. i can't avoid sitting on you today either because i'm stuck at work. i'm pretty sure using a sick day due to a sore ass is unacceptable and would probably have raised a few eyebrows as well. hope you get better soon because you're making me walk like a geezer.

christine

kid's birthday party

so one of my nephews is having a party tonight at the local skating rink. i know you probably think i'm the graceful, ballerina-esqe type, but i'm not. i hope i don't break any bones, mine or someone else's. (although if anyone is going to incur bodily harm, i hope it's not me.) i will take my camera to record the "Roller Rink Massacre," as i've already dubbed it, but it may be hard to take pictures when i'm lying bloody and mangled and curled in the fetal position by the wall. i'm also in charge of the cake. baking is my forte, but i'm too tired and grouchy to don the domestic diva apron today so i will be buying the most obnoxious, sugar-laden concoction i can find at United. if it's not hideous enough, i'm planning to ask a baker to add to it. i'll show 'em to what happens when they give me responsibilities on my day off... well, i hope everyone has an equally entertaining day today!

oh yeah...i'm a big failure and doomed to hang my head in shame.

remember when i said i was going to participate in the whole NaNoWriMo thing? i gave up faster than...uh...something fast. i couldn't do it and keep up with my schoolwork at the same time. normally, i would have just sucked it up and accomplished it anyway because i'm such a freakin' overachiever*, but i'm pooped. it was him or me, and he got the axe. but i will still be writing a novel here soon because my senior level creative writing prof requires one. so see? i didn't technically weasel out of it.

*i'm sure you thought i was just a slacking piece of shit, but i'm not. hell, i'm getting a double major degree in three and half years- all while working full time and trotting around Texas for no particular reason. i should have a statue erected in my honor, i'm so damn super.

things that suck ass

-my incoherence today due to lack of sleep (again!). so if you find yourself scratching your head and wondering what the hell this post is about, it's not you. it's me. wait a minute. did we just break up?

-Bitter Half. he's such an a-hole sometimes.

-lost gloves. how come i can never find my gloves? i buy a new pair every year, and somehow or another i end up losing one by the following winter. i really think there is a conspiracy in my apartment, but i will squelch it soon. damn gloves.

-coworkers. they are almost as bad as customers, but at least i can yell profanities at them without too many repercussions. they prob think i have Tourette's.

-pagers. who the hell still has a pager? they're worthless and limit my ability to convey my true feelings.

-cheap toilet paper. i guess this one should really go under the "things that chafe ass" post but whatever. i'm pretty sure i'm using onion skins or something equivalent at work.

bunch of nothing

-so i'm watching Madonna's Confession Tour thingie on Bravo, and i feel like i'm on a hallucinogen. the camera changes about every .25 seconds, and all the slow motion/special effects are retarded. i had to change the channel within a minute.

-i finally upgraded to the new Blogger beta. i haven't seen anything fantastic yet.

-the Cinemax Star Wars marathons are great. the music alone is reason to keep my TV blaring all day. and the original is about 30 years old. it has stood the test of time fo sho.

-what happened to the Nasonex bee? he used to be French with big, bushy eyebrows, but he's been replaced with an eyebrow-less Spaniard. fuck that new little bee.

-Lubbuttocks was frozen today. i want to hibernate.

-i want the new Rescue Green Jeep! Tangerine Dream took me to see it last weekend, and it's a thing of obnoxious beauty. must...have....Jeep.

-i have one official day of class left. i am so happy about that i would do the Snoopy dance if i wasn't crashing from my caffeine buzz.