gone off the deep end

November is National Christine Rocks Month which means you get to lavish me with material items that prove you love me. well, maybe not, but it is National Novel Writing Month, and i'm participating in the whole write a novel in 30 days crap. i figured i didn't have enough on my plate with a full time job and a full time course load so i heaped on some more obligations. that means that, in addition to the writing i do for school, i will be writing approximately 1,666.666 words per day. (see how evil this whole idea is?!) come November 30th, i will have an entire novel to force my family members to read. i hope i don't turn out like that dude from The Shining...

happy blogiversary to me!

well today marks one year of pointless banality on my part. i'd say that time flies, but this past year has trickled by so slowly that, at times, i was sure it was going backwards. one year ago today, i started this blog as a way to get my mind off of reality, and i must say it has succeeded. i can vent, bitch, moan, and groan, and my blog still loves me. i love you, too, blog!!!

the good, the bad, and the ugly

the good: the McRib is back! i love the particle board textured, pre-formed McMeat.

the bad: when i ordered at the drive thru speaker, the man taking my order said, "your total is four *burp* ninety six."

the ugly: after i pulled up to the window, i saw that the man who took my order was the manager.

conversations of the day

yesterday, Tangerine Dream and i went to the mall to shoe shop. we decided to go ahead and browse around because we don't get out much. we're both Bath & Bodyworks fans so we went in to smell all the fabulous holiday products, and here's the conversation that ensued:

Tangerine Dream: the guys are all going to laugh at me tomorrow when i tell them i went to Bath & Bodyworks.

me: who cares? they're the ones missing out.

T.D.: they are missing out.

then i kept on shopping when i hear a defiant Tangerine Dream.

T.D.: i really don't care if they laugh at me. i'll be soft and supple and they won't!

that's about when i started pretending he wasn't with me.

*********

in my office, we like to work in the dark. the only problem is that when we turn off our lights, our boss's lights turn off in her office too so we can only pretend to be in a cave when she's not here. lately we've been turning them off during her lunch break, and she gets mad when she gets back to find us sitting in the dark which is what happened again today. she threw the switch up and mumbled under her breath.

me: my eyes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

boss: oh, shut 'em.

me: okay!

co-worker: don't tell her that. she's probably already asleep.

me: zzzzzzzzzzzzz

you don't want to read this post.

but i'm sure you will now. so my good friend comes to me and tells me that she lost her tampon. moreover, she wants to me to look for it. i'm pretty sure that's her husband's job and tell her as much. so she calls her friend who works in a clinic and asks for advice. after getting some suggestions about how to best position herself to try to find it, she goes about trying to fix the problem to no avail. i tried assuring her that she prob took it out and forgot (because she was drunk the night before), but she's not sure. i told her to quit worrying about it unless she feels some kind of pain so i guess it's a wait and see issue now. do you see why i don't like my friends?

random shit

-i wish i had a million dollars. i'd buy fifty pairs of oversized sunglasses and a Jeep.

-i'm in an unusually good mood today. i think it's because i've been taking something to help me sleep. it's surprising what a little sleep and a lot of caffeine can do for you.

-i'm amazing. i felt like one of the papers i turned in recently was shit. then i got it back, and i got the highest grade in the class.

-now that i have this little radio at work, i just play songs off my iPod at random. four times i've heard an awesome song and look to see what it is. all four times it's been by Hot Chip. Tangerine Dream gave me a lot of their songs, and they're super. check 'em out, yo.

-i need to get out of this town. i can feel its oppressive stagnation on my shoulders everyday. i can't take off of work to spend Turkey Day in Houston like i wanted so i'm stuck in this crummy city indefinitely. i hope you don't see me on the front page of the papers doing something drastic.

-i wish i was crafty- not like a fox but like Martha Stewart. (well i guess she applies to both definitions, but you know what i mean.) it's not that i'm not creative because thinking outside the box is my forte. it's really that i'm impatient. who has the time to spend gluing beads onto sweaters and making popsicle stick cabins? i guess i'd have more time if i quit blogging. (don't cry. i didn't say i was quitting.) i need to eliminate something from my life so i can make crappy crafts for people.

Bitter Half is a corner stealer!

i usually go to bed a lot later than Bitter Half because, since i can't ever sleep, i'm up to all hours of the night lurching around the apartment. when i finally went to bed last night, Bitter Half had three corners of the blanket to himself. i'm accustomed to this behavior so i just gave the blanket a tug like usual. he didn't want to give it up. i pulled some more. nothing. i braced myself by putting one foot on the edge of the bed and yanked hard. still nothing. i put my other foot on the bed and leaned back until i was parallel to the floor and grunting like one of the spandex-wearing meatheads at the gym. after about thirty minutes of that pathetic display, i got my corner back. wtf?!?! i mean he's gained a little weight since he quit smoking, but i'm pretty sure he doesn't weigh a metric ton so i don't think that was the cause. was he subconsciously clutching onto it because he secretly hates me? i hope not because that could seriously impair my chances of getting the new iPod for Christmas.

what a perfect day

even though i wasn't drinking sangria in the park, today was great. what constitutes a great day? a buncha nothing, that's what. i slept in and then ate breakfast with Bitter Half. i did a facial, introduced my new downstairs neighbor to my bass speaker, drank some unbelievable strong coffee(because i was still asleep when i made it and inadvertently dumped about a pound of grounds in the damn machine), painted my nails an obnoxious color, caught up on my soap, cleaned the house, did laundry, and blogged. since the only asshole i had to talk to was Bitter Half, i feel perfectly content. it's exactly what i needed because, as i told my coworkers yesterday, i'm going to have a nervous breakdown before the Turkey Day break. i'm thinking of playing hooky with regards to school and/or work this week to catch a matinee. i'm sure it'll come back to kick me in my ass, but i'm adopting a 'here and now' type of mentality. i think it might help with the ulcer that used to be my stomach.

i think my head is lopsided.

recently i learned the benefits of wearing a baseball cap at all times. i always wear a Malibu liquor one because it's the only cap i own that doesn't have my company logo on it. today it doesn't fit right. my head is suddenly misshapen.

while i'm bitching about things you don't care about, i can't beat this Pogo Mah Jong. i've played about ten games, and i've only won three. i wonder if this ineptness is at all related to my now deformed skull.

my biography in a nutshell

updated

i update my reading list over to your left. yes, i'm aware Atlas Shrugged has been on there since the mid eighties. i'll get around to finishing it evenually.

bummed

one of my good friends was hoping to buy a house right down the street from my apartment. it was perfect 'stumble home' distance, too. she didn't end up getting it. i guess i could always make some new friends who live around me, but that would mean i'd have to make an effort to get to know new people. it's just not worth it.

i command you to watch Heroes.

if you're not, you're really missing out, and NBC is airing the opening episodes this Sunday night. if you're a sorry excuse for a human being and have no loved ones or even a pet with which to spend time, watch it. if you have a life, set your DVR.

bingo

so Gold Digger wants to go play bingo with the blue hairs this weekend. i'm always up for trying to win some cash so i said an enthusiastic 'hell yeah!' plus, bingo is a good way to avoid doing research papers and other non-important school work. first, i'll need to run to the flea market and pick up some obnoxious good-luck trinkets to surround myself with whilst i play. maybe i can go pick up some horn-rimmed glasses and put a bright turquoise chain on them, too. wish me luck!

gross

the Business Administration building smelled like urine today. it appears students are taking on hobo-esque characteristics.

i'm almost too ashamed to admit this...

but i've spent a ridiculous amount of money on Starbucks coffee in the past two weeks. i can't help it. each 50 dollar cup of joe is a tiny bit of heaven. normally, i just go to Starbucks on occasion, but here lately i've found lots of excuses to swing by. got out of the meeting earlier than expected? well Starbucks is on the way home if i take the long way. class dismissed early? might as well go to the bookstore to kill some time where the Starbucks just happens to be located. they rolled out their seasonal pumpkin lattes? better go grab one before they go back on pumpkin hiatus. i'm so pathetic.

ditcher!!!

i ditched my 9 o'clock class. i just couldn't muster the energy to get up and get ready. plus, my tummy hurt. i think Bitter Half is trying to poison me, but that accusation is for another post. anyhow, good news from Lubbsuck, Texas. i'm graduating in May! i can't believe it. it seems like a dream from which i'll wake up and find myself in a Freshman English class with a never ending school career in front of me. i'm starting to plan the celebration now so everyone find babysitters, take off of work, squirrel away some cash, work out your liver, and get ready to party come May 12th 2007. yee-haw!

conversation of the day

Bitter Half loves ice cream. i, on the other hand, don't. i do, however, like to try some of the new flavors he brings home. the other day he bought some Blue Bell pecan pie. it was pretty good, but my favorite parts were the pieces of crust. i suggested that there should be an ice cream with just a lot of pie crust in it. then i remembered that you can go to the Ben and Jerry's website and suggest names and flavors. here's the conversation that ensued:

me: i need a good name to go with my flavor suggestion. what do you think?

B.H.: how about Christine's Cream Pie

me: i'm not naming my ice cream that. how about Crustacean Nation!

B.H.: that's gross. what's wrong with Christine's Cream Pie?

me: that's offensive.

B.H.: why?

me: do you not know what a cream pie is?

B.H.: no. does it have to do with gay sex?

me: uh. i'm submitting Crustacean Nation.

do you see what i have to put up with around here? and in case, like Bitter Half, you don't know what a cream pie is, here's a definition. (that page does not contain photos, but it is probably not work sensitive.)

bored at work

this vid is being featured today on YouTube. it's titled "Sweet Tired Cat" and shows a kitten that keeps dozing off uncontrollably. i don't really think it's a cat. i think it's an Ewok.

sappy christine

i love Christmas. i love decorating my fat, little tree. i love eating pumpkin flavored everything. i love sitting in front of my fireplace while drinking a hot, spiked beverage. but most of all, i like buying stuff for other people. i know, you're probably wondering how a selfish, stingy, rude bitch like myself could take pleasure in giving gifts, but it's the shopping i like. (see it really is about me.) anyway, last year, amidst depression inducing family problems, i didn't even take out my tree or spend time with my family. if you're a long time reader, however, you'll remember that Bitter Half went out of his way to make sure i had a little Christmas joy. well some of my family is still having problems but what better way to cheer them up than making them fat with Pumpkin cheesecake and hideous with red and green scarves? needless to say, i'm really looking forward to the holidays this year, and here in a few days, i will begin blaring Christmas carols at work and putting up festive lights around my balcony. i wonder if i still have that Santa hat... either way, i'm going all out this year so be prepared.

everyone say a prayer

or sacrifice an animal or whatever the hell you guys do. i have a meeting with my advisor on Tuesday morning, and i should be able to determine if i will graduate in May. why do you care? because my mood for the next seven months is directly correlated with what she says. in other words, if the classes i need are unavailable to me next semester then i might step over that fine line that separates the normal world from the realm of crazy. i can't say that i'd mind really because normal is overrated and involves paying bills and being sober before noon. once i've made the transition to insanity, i might even start wearing glow in the dark face paint and flashing devil's horns all year round.

can it be true?

i did something unbelievably out of character today. it's almost as if an alien entity took over my body and made me do horrible things. what, you ask? well, i did some homework early instead of waiting until the last minute. i wrote a paper and found an article over which to write another paper later this week. wtf?!?! the only explanation for such odd behavior is the fifty cups of coffee i drank at McD's with Mom and Tangerine Dream earlier today. i hope the world doesn't end tomorrow. if it does, sorry guys.

let's laugh

i thought i'd share some stuff that has made me laugh recently. here's an article about a man who bought a Dell specifically to see how long it would live if he clicked on pop ups, opened spam, and downloaded porn. the thought of such actions almost made me seize, but i guess he likes to live on the edge. check it out, yo.

this douchebag over at slightly drunk cracks me up. i particularly like this post, and quite honestly, he reminds me of some people in my family who shall remain nameless.

go watch this vid. it's hee-larious.

and, finally, this little video is a parody of Timberlake's Sexyback. it's about mental issues, and it's called Paxilback.

Halloween

so there's a lot of talk about the coming holiday, and normally i like to dress up because i didn't' get to do it as a kid. recently i've gone as Yoko Ono (because Bitter Half looks exactly like John Lennon) and as a silver robot (because robots are cool.) i even went as Marilyn Monroe once. i don't know what i want to be this time, though. i'm thinking of going as a cartoon character because i feel two dimensional this year. maybe something from some anime. my sister always says i look like a Disney character with my humongous eyes to maybe i'll go as the Little Mermaid. i don't really know. any suggestions?

doomsday

well, since i've been too sickly to go to the gym, i'm putting myself on a diet. yikes. here i am at work craving Little Debbie brownies when i remember that my gut is starting to take on a life of its own. no one should have to turn down sugar. anyway, i will be on this diet indefinitely seeing as how germs have decided to take up permanent residence in my bronchial tubes. i almost passed out yesterday trying to climb the stairs to my apartment, and if the temperature hadn't been in the forties, i would have just layed there in the grass until Bitter Half came home and carried me upstairs. on top of such a drastic decision, i've also realized that i haven't really worked this week. i keep coming in early and leaving late, and now i need to make up my time so i will be here trying to kill 9 hours of my time by blogging. maybe there's a good movie on...

wtf?!?!

has anyone seen that commercial for the Sci Fi network where that guy is blowing into a dog's butt? i had to look at it twice in order to make sure my demented mind hadn't made it up, but my eyes were right. i gave a half assed attempt to find the clip online so you guys could be as disturbed as i was, but i couldn't find it. trust me. it was foul.

*updated*

thanks to earwacs for helping me out with this one.

call me twitchy

my right eyelid keeps twitching. it's been doing it almost nonstop all day. it looks like i'm being electrocuted. if this malady is a symptom of some exotic, rarely seen disease that you happen to have knowledge about, please keep it to yourself. i have other things to worry about besides death.

Chad Vader episode 4

this one's not too funny, but it seems to be a good segue to another one. if you need to see episodes 1,2, and 3, you can find them here: episode 1 episode 2 episode 3

light at the end of the tunnel

i feel a lot better today. i'm taking this near death experience to write something a tad serious. i know i am always writing posts about my sorry excuse for a life, and i come across a little negative in my view of the world. but, to be honest, i have a great life, and i am very lucky to be able to do the things that i love like go to school and work a cushy job. i have great people in my life like Bitter Half, Tangerine Dream, Gold Digger, and tons of great friends. all of those people make me laugh and always make me feel connected to the outside world when i have a tendency to shut everything out. when i was really sick Monday, several people asked me if i needed anything before i "kicked the bucket" or "croaked." the maternal unit didn't even need to be guilted into making chicken soup for me- she had already run out and bought the ingredients before i even talked to her. when Bitter Half is out of town, at least one friend always calls me to make sure i'm not lonely or sad. when i just need someone with whom to have a beer, i have a whole list of people who are willing to keep me company. so you see, i have a near perfect life, and i am eternally grateful for every minute of it.

still alive

ask me where i was last night. that's right. i was in the E fucking R. i started to feel better once i'd been in the waiting room for about an hour, but i wasn't about to leave until they hooked me up with the good meds. and guess where i am right now. i'm not taking my midterms, that's for sure. rest assured i will be taking them some time later this week when i'm not on my deathbed. the hot male nurse at the ER hooked me up with an excuse for class. yee-haw! (i haven't slept in a few days so i don't even know if this post is even close to articulate. i don't have the energy to sort it out. i'm using the little strength i have to write my mom and guilt her into making me some soup.)

i am too sick for words.

i'm pretty sure the one lung that is still working is partially filled with *fluid. if i don't make it, i bequeath all of my possessions to Bitter Half. if anyone has a problem with it, take it up with him, but i forewarn you. he's a lot scrappier than he looks so you'll die a horrible and painful death like me. you probably deserve it, too.

*i use the term 'fluid' loosely. i'm thinking it's more of a viscous type substance similar to what i've been hacking up for the past day. hope you enjoyed that visual.

this morning's numbers

5- curse words i muttered when i woke up with the first inklings of a cold

1- mini heart attacks my coworker had when i jokingly called in to work

2- Wal-green customers i would have kicked in the shins if i'd have had any energy to expend

1- Dayquil liquitabs rolling around under my desk after my in-dexterous dumbass shot one out of its child proof package like a bullet

3- people at work who accused me of being drunk and/or hungover because i sound like shit

1- coworkers blaring (and singing along with) Ice Ice Baby from their cubicle

4- cups of coffee i've had before 10AM with no end in sight

1600- dollars my previous company is giving me out of my pension which i will either roll over into my 401K or cash out and take it from behind in incurred penalties

3- times i've almost fallen asleep midsentence today

2- tissues that are about to be plugged up my nose for the remainder of the day because i'm sick of blowing it

new gadget

Tangerine Dream "lent" me a little radio for work. my trusty iPod plugs into the top so i can blare my obscene music to everyone in the office. it's a godsend, and it charges my little iPod while it plays so i don't have to worry about it dying on me. T.D. has made it a point that he wants it back at some point in the future, but i've made it a counterpoint that he will have to come and get it first. he'll have to pass through a gated fence with a security panel, a secured door, a retinal scan, a secret handshake, and a daily code word. then, if he manages to work through all of that rigmarole, we have one more line of defense. it's a clearly posted sign saying "authorized personnel only." good luck with that one!

i think i might have a bad attitude.

i was reading a few of my latest posts, and they all seem to have a bitter, hateful feel to them. (more than usual, i mean.) i contemplated on the issue, and the only conclusion i can reach is that my spitfulness is building up inside of me because i haven't been working out. so instead of taking out my agression on a treadmill or eliptical trainer, i'm taking it out on everyone else. i kind of like it, but my pant seams don't so i will be returning to my regular work out routine soon.

huffing paint at the maxi pad

since i'm such a worthless procrastinator, i waited until the last possible minute to write my short story and prepare for my "Blaming Your Mental Problems on Your Biology 3327" exam. so i decide to work on my short story before i go to work and pretend to work, and i smell paint. at first it's faint, and i can't put my finger on what the odor really is. then it's permeated my entire body, and i think i'm hallucinating which is fine because i am writing a sci fi story. (our assignment is to write a story that is not typical of your usual writing, and since i've never written science fiction, i opted for that genre.) it's coming along spectacularly, but that could be the paint talking. anyway, i think the smell is coming from Crotchtastic's old apartment. they must be dissolving the walls with paint thinner and than rebuilding them with paint. my head hurts.

BE sucks ass

well that's no surprise. according to blog rumor, this new site is supposed to be better. i don't believe it for a second, but that's because i'm a pessimistic prick. try it out for yourself (or just adopt everyone else's opinion like most other American douches.): exlinks

help!

i'm getting letters from Texas Tech about my coming graduation date. it doesn't seem real. hopefully, by May 12th, i will be free from the oppression of school. it's weird because i don't involve myself in any school activities, and the only football game i've attended was when i wallowed in luxury in my company's private box. school is more an intrusion in my life than an actual part of it so i don't feel the same as i did when i graduated from high school. i am, however, worried that i will regress into a troublemaker when i suddenly have a lot of free time so i need to start planning ahead. i need activities that will suck the life out of me and steal my freedom. so far, i've got the gym and my soap opera family. there's always food. maybe i should really consider my Master's, but the thought of more school makes my neck twitch. any suggestions?